Around Here: Week 38

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Doing... so much laundry. Load after load after load on Wednesday and Thursday... but I didn't get around to folding it all, so I ended up with TEN loads in my bedroom. Blah! I am normally that obnoxious person who washes, folds & puts it away all in the same day. But since school started, I feel like life has been a whirlwind and I've been off my groove.

Reading... A Tree Grows in Brooklyn; Yes Please; and Junie B. Jones with the boys.  Yes Please is so, soo good and surprising, and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn has been such a sweet gift. I love it.  My boys think Junie B. is hilarious, so even though she's naughty, I love her. Ha!

Laboring... alongside the boys as they do homework every week.  Such a steep learning curve for them (and me!) as we adjust to this routine again.

Feeling... amazed about Carly getting her flu shot and not shedding a single tear.

Finding... my IUD on ultrasound.  My strings are a bit short and I was feeling panicked last month when I couldn't find mine. We finally got an appointment and found it is where it's supposed to be and all is well.  It was good confirmation for me that I am definitely done having babies.  The thought of being pregnant again accidentally (if my IUD was missing) had me terrified!!!

Selling... lots of baby and maternity items. As I have worked my way through the house (all storage areas & closets) per my 100 small things list, I've come across so many things we no longer use or need, so I've made good use of Facebook Market, selling things & bringing in a little bit of much needed money for our family.

Working... on the yard in preparation of winter-- tidying and weeding and organizing.  That bled into organizing the garage and sorting through the boys' toys.  I am feeling like life is much more under control now that all the bins & closets in my house aren't busting at the seams.

Pulling... in the reigns on my children.  Our fourth graders in particular have been sporting some disrespectful attitudes and trying to get away with stuff.  They spent most of this week grounded, and honestly, it's the best thing I've ever done. Ha! Okay, maybe not the best... but it was kind of exactly what we needed. Like a pause button for our family.  We have spent the afternoons finishing up homework, and playing outside together.  They've spent the mornings riding to school with Wyatt and me, and I think the extra time with myself (and Josh in the afternoons) has been really good for them.  I am hoping to carry on this family time idea, even after they're done being grounded.

Relieved... that Logan does not need a larger dose of his seizure medicine.  Communication got mixed up between his primary care doc and me, and the blood test we did was for the wrong medication.  Then I got a message saying Logan needed to increase his meds and I was freaking out. Thankfully I called his neurologist for a second opinion, and after the labs got faxed to the children's hospital, she noted that the test had been for the wrong epilepsy medication, and that she felt confident that Logan's dose is correct or we would see an increase in seizures.
I feel like we dodged a bullet and I'm so grateful. Increasing his meds when he first began the Oxcarbazepine was a nightmare and I wasn't looking forward to putting him through that again.
Because of this, I took the opportunity to read more of Seizures and Epilepsy in Children which I had started earlier this year. I am telling you, this book is like a giant hug for parents of children with seizures. There are so many positive statistics for children outgrowing epilepsy, and the book is a huge proponent of children having a childhood, regardless of their seizure status.

Shaking... my head at Carly and her antics.  She is very independent and has a super strong opinion on things.  When a door opens in this house, she thinks she should be allowed to go through it. Whether that means free reign in my craft room; the ability to run free outside; or getting into the little Legos in her brother's room.  Twice this week she took a 40 minute nap, deciding that was long enough.  I'm telling you, she's killing me softly.  She will yell at me until I pay attention, and is very specific about who she wants at certain times (Josh after work, Wyatt in the morning, and me at bedtime) and will yell our names repeatedly until we stop what we're doing and go to her.  It's most hilarious when she does it to the twins. She does not want the twins to push her in her baby stroller (a new gift from my mom, which she climbs into herself) she wants Wyatt to push her in her baby stroller, thankyouverymuch. Such a character, she is!

Giving... Carly her first pony tail.  It was pretty hilarious!

Cheering... that the Seahawks won the game Josh attended with my brother-in-law.  Blake got the tickets and gave Josh a seat in gratitude for Josh helping him move & set up house. It was totally unnecessary, but such a thoughtful gift for Josh's help.  I think he really enjoyed the day.

Impressed... by Wyatt's reading scores at school.  I knew he liked to read and seemed like a good reader, but those scores are insane. I can't wait to get his DIBELS scores next week.  I think all the reading he did (by himself and with us) over summer really increased his ability.

Crafting... (when Carly deigns it appropriate to take a nap) and feeling very anxious to share what I'm up to with you all. One more week!!! Eeeee!

Feeling... at times invisible.  I posted this about feeling run over by life currently, and shortly after that, my friend tagged me in this post, which I found so validating.  Go read it.  And know I'm sending you a virtual hug-- I see you! I know what you're doing and remembering and sacrificing.  Keep up the good work.  It will all be worth it.

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Just The Worst

And just like that, Josh is gone again.  

We had the most amazing week, and I'm so glad he came... 

but waking up Monday without him again? 

Brutal. Just brutal.

Sunday was the most wonderful day.  Truly idyllic.  We spent a slow morning bathing the boys, then Josh started making homemade pizza for all of us for lunch.  We ate his (insane, amazing, crazy-good) pizza while watching the Seahawks (Go Hawks!) play the Cowboys, all the boys (and Josh) matching in their jerseys.  It was precious.  Josh got me a shirt too when he was out getting pizza ingredients.  I love that he's so thoughtful & wanted me to feel included.

For most of the afternoon all of us were smashed together on the couch downstairs, enjoying pizza and the occasional bite-size candy bar from Halloween.  It was, in a word, perfection.

But before we knew it, the game ended, dinner time was approaching, and the end of our week together was rapidly coming.

We took the boys out to eat (at Red Robin) as we had promised and we had a great dinner.  I was glad the boys were well behaved and all went well at the restaurant because as our time together was coming to a close, I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger by the minute.

I had held it together all morning until I saw my toothbrush.  Alone.  In the holder.  All week I so enjoyed watching our toothbrushes co-mingle in that glass jar.

After dinner we came home and put the kids to bed, and the waterworks really started for me.

Watching Josh hug and kiss each of the boys one last time ripped my heart wide open.  I had predicted that I would miss Josh, the boys would miss Josh and Josh would miss me.  My brain had neglected to think of Josh missing the boys after a week with them constantly at his side.  Seeing him crawl into Wyatt's bed for some last snuggles was the most tender, heart wrenching thing I'd seen all week.

And even once we had laid them down & Josh had said his goodbyes, Logan got up again, claiming he "heard" something (which he often says) and as I was assuring him there was nothing, he admitted that really he was sad about Daddy leaving.  So I walked him back into our room, where he collapsed into Josh's arms sobbing.  I stood behind them, silently sobbing as I snapped this most precious picture.  This being apart stuff?  It's just the worst.

As I cried later, I apologized to Josh.  He hugged me and said, "It's okay to be sad.  This is a sad thing."  That permission to feel to my feelings, to cry and feel heartbroken was just what I needed.  

About an hour later, after all the kids fell asleep, Josh said goodbye to his parents and we drove to the airport.  When we got there we parked the car real quick and hugged, me crying semi-hysterically into his shoulder.  He gathered his things and we said "I love you" one last time as he walked by the passenger side of the car.  Then, against every part of my body, I drove away as he walked into the Alaska terminal.  

The drive home was awful.  It feels so wrong to drive away from him.  Every time.  I just have to do it.  I cried harder than I probably have in my entire life on that drive back to the house.  I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.  I was thinking about this, how hard I cried, how awful it feels to exist without him by my side, and I've decided to accept my feelings as valid.  When you love someone, it makes sense that you would hate to be away from them.  When you love someone, it makes sense that you would want to spend your every day with them.  When you love someone, it makes sense that saying goodbye hurts.

When I got home my eyes were on fire.  But I am blessed to have a support system that is out of this world.  My mom, sister and more friends than I can count were praying for me and thinking of us all day Sunday, so I fell into a deep and restful sleep shortly after returning from the airport.

Monday I woke up early and was in the boys room as they woke up.  Jack seemed a bit melancholy.  When I asked him what was up, he started crying.  He missed daddy, he told me, and was upset that they never got to play baseball together.  I thought dealing with my own emotions was hard, but I was wrong.  Watching them be upset and not being able to do anything about it, that's hard.

This is the first time the boys have cried about Josh leaving, so this is new territory.  My intention is to navigate it with as much kindness and understanding as possible.  To acknowledge their emotions and validate their feelings.  And just be here.  Any time they want to talk.

The good thing is that we did it for three months already, and this time it'll only be two months.  And we know from experience the first few weeks are the worst, and it gradually gets better as the countdown gets closer.  In the meantime, we'll keep plugging along, taking it one day at a time.

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