Six Years of Super Wy

This boy. This beautiful single baby that graced us eight years into marriage has walked me through some of the darkest times of my life.  We first learned of his existence when I had just started my third school year as a working mom, when everyday as I left his brothers behind, my heart would break.  He was a tiny spark in the dark.  

At the time I wondered what in the world God was doing.  We were broke, living in a dumpy duplex, struggling to make ends meet with the two we had while Josh was in college.  But, as always, God knew exactly what he was doing.  

I was five months pregnant when I decided to go out on a limb, quit my job, cash in my retirement for us to live on, trusting God that Josh would find a job for the next fall so I could follow my dreams and be a stay-at-home mom.

Come August Josh hugged a squishy eight-week-old Wyatt goodbye, and took off to start our Alaska adventure.  (We joined him four months later when the teacher housing was complete.)  During our time apart, Wyatt was my constant companion, my sunshine, my buddy.

Fast forward four years, and we were living in Alaska, ready to add another baby to our family when I learned that I had miscarried.  (More miscarriage posts here, here, here and here.)  Then, after the new year, I miscarried again.  It was a very, very sad time for me.  Hopelessness was waiting to envelope me.  But this boy (and his brothers) needed me.  And that's all I needed to carry on. 

He has always been such a light in our family.  Making us laugh, keeping us wondering about life, and being adorable.  (I mean, look at these pictures!)

When Josh was gone again for the year I was pregnant with/giving birth to Carly, Wyatt and I leaned, hard, on each other, knowing we each knew how it felt to be "breaking apart" from Josh when he would leave.

Now, I feel like we are in a sweet spot.  We have Carly, our rainbow baby; we have Josh, our beloved Daddy; and we have a home where we all live together.  Instead of Wyatt carrying me through heart break, or me carrying Wyatt through heartbreak, we're together, enjoying the simple pleasures of our small, beautiful, family life.  Corn on the cob at dinner (his favorite), bedtime snuggles with Carly (also his favorite), and reading books together (my favorite).  We are so blessed.

Yesterday Wyatt turned six years old.  He is such a wise, old soul.  He's taught me so much about faith (If God takes your baby, and it goes to heaven, all the grandma's in heaven are there to take care of it); about kindness (it feels good in your heart too!) and about sloths (because, let's be real, sloths are cool. --and did you know? they can hold their breath for up to 45 minutes while swimming and they are faster in water than on land, so they prefer to move in water).  He keeps me on my toes always (Which end of the worm is the head? If a worm isn't an insect, what is it? What is a "universe"?), and is the most emotionally connected person in the household.  Jack had a consequence the other day and he sobbed for over thirty minutes about it, which made Wyatt come to me crying, trying to figure out ways to help cheer Jack up.  He is so empathetic.  I love that about him.  He also often cries when Carly is crying.  

He's growing up to be one fascinating, tender hearted, smart kid and I couldn't be more proud to call him my own.

***

Super Wy, 
I am so glad you're mine.  You are a treasure, a joy and the light of my life.  I am so grateful God knew I needed a Wyatt in my life.

Happy Birthday, buddy.

Love, Mom

Currently...

(Jack is SO good with Carly. He even holds her during school!)

Last week I organized homeschool stuff to kind of figure out where we're at and it turns out we will be done by the end of May.  I am so excited for the break.  And pretty pleased that despite several breaks (some for mental health & others for physical health) we will still finish up before June.

Homeschooling since adding #4 to our family has been really challenging.  We are definitely contemplating public school for all three boys next year (third grade for the twins & kindergarten for Wyatt), but a lot of our decision making will depend on where we end up living.  In the meantime, I am determined to finish out the year strong.

Carly has started crying when she needs to sleep.  Not so fun, but it makes her need for a nap obvious.  So I swaddle her and rock furiously until she passes out. I'm hoping this is just a phase!  It makes homeschooling a bit of a challenge if she needs to sleep while I'm teaching.

 We are full on into baseball season.  The twins are on a team together and Wyatt's on a team.  This means we have baseball at least four nights a week, sometimes five nights a week.  Luckily we all enjoy it, and I've made friends with moms on both teams, which makes it more fun for me!

That said, we're all really excited for Josh to get here so he can help out with running kids to games and practice and getting dinner on the table.

 Despite her day-time sleep-fighting, Carly's night sleep is still as awesome as ever. Currently she's sleeping 10:30 to 6:30.  Although last night she was up at 3:00 and ate a little.  But even when she wakes up, it's just to eat and she's right back to sleep.  The only downside to this long sleep is that she nurses a LOT in the morning and a LOT in the evening. But it's totally worth it!

 I have officially lost 15 pounds since starting Shakeology April 4th.  I've also lost 5 inches around my middle! And I'm in a size 14 jeans again!  I do a quick workout each day and drink a shake instead of having breakfast or a morning snack.   In my shake I usually put peanut butter, strawberries & a banana along with almond milk.  Super yummy!  Other than that, I'm just eating healthier and trying to keep my calories down & my activity up.  I feel great and am so happy to be heading in the other direction on the scale.

 Carly got a stuffed bear named Carly Bear from my aunt. Wyatt has taken her on his own and re-named her Elizabeth ("Isn't that a beautiful name, mom?" he asked) and has slept with her every night since Carly got her.  His favorite thing to do is put "Elizabeth" in all of Carly's baby things-- the bouncer, the swing and the car seat. It's so cute.

 ***

We are moving.
Our time in rural Alaska is up.

Here's what moving out of rural Alaska looks like:

{Our Household in its entirety}

{Our Sleep Number Bed, ready to ship}

{The boys' room in our Alaska house}

{Our bedroom in our Alaska house}

Last night Josh wrapped up packing all our earthly possessions into about twenty boxes and totes that will be shipped over the next two weeks.  When he sent me these pictures, I'll be honest. I started crying.  As much as I am ready for our next adventure, I am going to miss that house.  Those memories.  The people.  Seeing the house empty and those boxes stacked up, ready to go, makes it very real to me that we are done there.

I was determined to control the tailspin of emotions that started last night with those pictures, so when I woke up this morning I made plans for a smile-inducing happy morning.  Starting with snuggles from this little cuddle bug.

 Then an early trip to Safeway to get donuts for my crew.

 Good tunes on the radio in our van (which I am still loving!) and a super smiley selfie set us off on the right foot.

And when we got back from getting donuts, I caught this cutie sucking her fingers like my sister used to do.  So precious!

Then I cut myself some fresh lilacs from my mother-in-law's beautiful garden, and got out my first Inspired Readers Book Club read for May. (When I Found You by Catherine Ryan Hyde) I can't wait to start it this afternoon!

 We let the mess be in the boys' room, and enjoyed a lazy morning of cartoons & chocolate milk.

 Then I bathed this little doll and put on one of her summer rompers since it's supposed to be near ninety degrees today!  She smells so fresh & looks adorable!  Hello, baby thighs!

***

I am hopeful this next week (and the one that follows) fly right on by so that Daddy will be here.  I am more than ready to have a hand at dealing with these kiddos and I kinda miss having someone to talk to at night.

3 Weeks Until We're Reunited For Good

I couldn't remember if I ever shared these (very blurry) pictures from our last airport pick up (in March).  I let the boys come along this time, since it wasn't late at night, and they were SO happy!!!

In three short weeks our family will be reunited for good!

While we don't know yet what the future holds for our family, we are content in the meantime to imagine waking up next to each other.  Just being together is enough for now.

Separation Anxiety

Since Josh left last time, about two weeks ago, Wyatt has been GLUED to my side.  He barely wants me to go to the bathroom without him, much less doctor appointments or errands.  It's honestly been a bit suffocating.  I have been able, thankfully, to find extra reserves of patience for him, but I am more than ready for this separation anxiety to be a thing of the past.

He calls out, "Mom?" to assess my whereabouts each day more times than I can count.  (Literally, probably fifty times.) And often when I'm not nearby, by the time he finds me (usually downstairs) he has tears in his eyes.

I talked to him at length about it one day and he said that he doesn't want to be without me because I'm the only grown up.  We talked more and surmised that he means "parent".  I'm the only parent. He's got me there. I am the only parent here currently.  And it's hard on both of us.

I'm not sure why this last departure of Josh's has been so hard on Wyatt specifically, but I feel the same way.  It hasn't gotten any easier being without him.  And the home stretch for some reason feels particularly long.

With the help of loved ones who care about Wyatt, I am inching away from him and trying to give him back his independence.  And, fingers crossed, when Josh gets back he'll be back to his old, confident self.

to be treasured

Summer 2011

From the day we met, Josh has shown me what it means to be treasured.  He felt privileged to hold my hand, to kiss my cheek, to be my boyfriend.  

Sixteen years later, the same still holds true.  He still acts privileged to be sharing this life with me; raising our kids and being side by side through thick and through thin.  

He's not the only one who feels lucky.  I feel lucky.  Beyond lucky, I feel blessed.  

***

But all this love, of course, means that missing him this year, living without him, has felt, quite frankly, unbearable.  

source

I don't like the days without him.  And so I'm praying the 33 days until his return pass quickly.  I want to hug this man who has now spent HALF OF HIS LIFE with me!!!

(And also, selfishly, I want his help with the kids, 

who currently have the flu and have, 

I believe, given it to me... 

Lord help us all!)

Struggling

Josh and I have spent every evening this week Face Timing and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of as he works to wrap up five years of living in Marshall.  That's right.  Our adventure in rural Alaska is over.  

Now we are on to the difficult tasks of: finding a job elsewhere and downsizing all our earthly belongings into the number of blue Rubbermaid totes we have in our laundry room in Marshall.  

Last night as we sat sorting through the boys' homeschool stuff, Josh in our dining room in Alaska, me in my in-law's upstairs office-turned-bedroom in Washington nursing Carly, I burst into tears.  This is hard.  It's hard being away from him.  It's hard "packing" while I'm not there.  It's hard to have someone else (even if it's your beloved husband) sort through things for you.  It's hard to make the decisions I'm having to make.  

But just when I was feeling really down about the whole thing, I thought how lucky I am, really, that I am here and he is there.  Because if I was there, I'd have been doing the sorting & packing all myself instead of holding our sweet baby daughter.  If I was there, we'd have to take into account what the kids and myself would need to use/play with for the next three months.  Since it's just Josh there, he can sort and sell and pack whatever he wants cause we're not there to need it.  These are the silver linings I'm clinging to.

I'm not the only one struggling and wishing for this school year to be over.  Last night Wyatt wandered into my room around 10pm, tears in his eyes, looking for a lap to climb into.  I shifted little sister to one side and hugged them both tight while we all cried a bit.  He's just "sad dad's not here" he says.  That's all.  And there's nothing I can do to fix it. So I hug him.  And I cry with him.  And I tell him that I agree... It stinks.

We're on the downhill slide-- he'll be home for a visit soon and then we only have two months more... but honestly it feels like it'll be forever till we're living together again.  And if it feels like forever to me... I can't imagine how it feels for Wyatt or his brothers.  

I guess I keep expecting it to hurt less, for me to miss him less, for it to suck less... but it doesn't.  I haven't gotten used to being without him.  I still hate it.  And that makes each day feel particularly long.

I'd appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement as we push through this last bit of time being apart.  Not knowing what the future holds for our family is stressful; and days like yesterday & today, being apart feels simply unbearable.  

This Week (Week One Without Daddy)

The last two days have been emotionally tough.  Not for me with the baby, but for me with the big boys.  This guy especially is having a hard time with daddy gone this time. I'm not sure if it's because Josh was home three weeks this time, or if it's because my attention is even further divided now that there are four kids... but it seems that every emotion he has is on steroids.  Happy is HAPPY and sad is SAD.  It's been a challenging week of parenting him. And his brothers, really.

Thankfully our adjustment back to school and life without dad has been pretty seamless.  Josh's mom (we're living with his parents currently) has stepped in big time to help me with meals and laundry and care for the boys and I am healing up from surgery well.  Both those things together have made for a good, routine week following Josh's departure.

But I can feel that each of our boys is on edge emotionally and it hurts my heart for them.  To help, I am trying to keep my expectations clear, my empathy high and my parenting consistent.  It's tough, but I know we'll get through this.

 In more joyful news, sister is gaining weight!  From last week's breastfeeding class to this week's breastfeeding class, she had gained ten ounces!  So she's weighing in at 8lbs. 11oz.  I'm no longer pumping at all or supplementing the pumped breast milk, and she is completely off the nipple shield as well.  So things with Carly & nursing are on the up & up.

 More good news-- she's sleeping!  She goes down around 10 at night and sleeps until 2.  Wakes up and eats and gets changed, then goes back to sleep from 3 to 6am.  It's such a beautiful thing and I am so so grateful.

 She's a great sleeper, but when she's awake, she is so alert!  Everyone comments on it, and I find it's true.  She'll just loooook all around and take it all in.  It's adorable.

Sidenote: I still love dressing her.  Every day.  Even her pajamas get me excited.  I do wonder if it will ever get old... I figure maybe after seven years of dressing a girl I'll get tired of it, since I had only boys to dress for seven years. ;)

Speaking of the twins, they took me out to donuts on Monday with their allowance.  It was completely their idea and it made me feel so loved.  Despite their own emotions about Josh being gone, they've been very aware of my feelings and checking on me to make sure I'm not feeling sad.  It makes me feel like I must be doing something right to be raising such empathetic souls.

And they aren't only good to me.  They are the best brothers to Carly.  They hold her and rock her and talk to her.  They turn the music on her bouncer or tell me when they think she needs to be changed or held or fed.  I am so grateful for them.  Especially since Josh left-- having their hands to help me out is priceless.  

(She likes to keep an eye on me. hehe)

Aside from Carly growing & sleeping, what's currently making me happy is holding her.  This is how I spend my evenings.  I nurse her, then hold her on my chest while she cat naps before bed.  There is truly nothing like holding a sleeping baby.  It's the cure all for bad moods, sadness or anxiety.  She's such a sweet, sweet bundle; and I can't imagine life without her.

Another happy moment from this week?  Josh got me a new phone!!!  He was supposed to get himself a new phone and send me his old one... but instead he surprised me and when I opened the box, instead of finding his old cell phone, I found about ten Bath & Body Works items (lotion, body spray, bubble bath...) and a brand spanking new iPhone6 in rose gold.  All for me.  Cause he loves me.  He got me the one with all.the.memory, so I immediately downloaded all my music and every app I ever wanted.  I am overjoyed!!!  And feeling quite spoiled!

 I rearranged our room this week and put the Tiffany lamp Josh sent from Alaska on my bedside table. It makes me so happy to hang out in our cozy room now, which is good, cause I spend a lot of time in here feeding Miss Carly & tending to her needs!

It's been a busy, emotional week adjusting, but I have to say, I just feel like every suffering we've gone through has been worth it because of her.  Living without Josh is not what I want for myself or our boys (or Carly) but if we had to do it for this school year in order to get Carly here safely, then I say every tear we've shed has been worth it.  She's so perfect and we're all so happy to have her in our lives.  Each of the boys has independently thanked God during bedtime prayers for giving them a sister and getting her here safely.  They may not understand now what their sacrifice is for, but someday they will, and I believe they, too, will say it was worth it.

*** 

As I said, we're back into school and it's going really well.  I am thankful we had such a steady schedule established early on in the year because it has made getting back into the swing of things really manageable.  I sit at the head of the table with the Boppy & Carly, pretty much nursing the entire time.  I am able to multi task and give lessons while keeping sister fed & happy.  I have to be honest, I was scared about homeschooling with a newborn, but it has been beautiful and so easy.  

As easy as homeschool is, hands down my favorite part of the day is bedtime.  Dinner is done and it's a time when we can really unwind.  The boys get cozy in their pajamas and we all take turns holding Carly and reading bedtime stories.  The twins have really stepped up their read aloud game and read the stories most nights.  Often I spend all of bedtime in the rocking chair nursing the baby, but they know the routine and expectations so well, that I'm able to just sit back while they make bedtime happen.  

Their favorite part of the bedtime routine is bedtime prayers.  That's when Carly and I visit each brother's bed and they get to hold her while they pray, then give her snuggles.  They all just melt when I put her on their pillows next to them.  

 (The night I took these pictures, Wyatt had shared his favorite bubba with Carly...)

(It reminded me of this picture of Wyatt with Jack's bubba when he was a newborn.  So sweet!)

 Carly was making the sweetest noises the other night when Wyatt woke up with a headache and when he heard her, he said, "I love those cute noises she makes."  I just love navigating my kids through the love of a new sibling.  There's nothing else quite like it.  

 I love how involved they want to be in her care (like today when I bathed her and the boys took pictures for me) and the questions they have.  Wyatt asked three days ago when I am going to paint Carly's toenails.  I thought it was the cutest question.  And it made me feel like he totally gets why I was excited to have a daughter.  

 All in all, I'd say this first week solo-parenting four kids without Josh went swimmingly.  Sure, there's room for improvement, but I'm pretty darn happy with how it went & am thanking the stars above for such a smooth transition.

***