Life Lately

Here are some snippets of life lately around here:

The other day Logan was saying "In this house I think Carly's first word will be "Seahawk".  That will make dad so proud."

He considered this for a while then said with a smirk,  "Or maybe it will be Patriot.  And dad will not be proud."  Then he was cracking up!

That same day Jack and I were discussing last names and he said he wished all his family was "Cunningham" cause that would be simpler.  We talked over who has different last names and why and he decided that boys should take the girls last name some of the time.  I thought that was very progressive of him.

We talked about my old last name being Raatz and he told me, "Because that is your past, it will be dropped!" in a creepy, mystical voice, while waving his hands around like a magician.  I don't know where they come up with this stuff!

Jack was guessing my favorite number (which is 26).  He assumed my favorite number would be my age and said, "Well, I don't know how old you are." I told him it wasn't my age and that it was a big number.  He guess 100, then 99.  I told him it was below 30.  He guessed 29, 28 and then 23.  I laughed and said it was a number that sounded beautiful.  So he proceeded to opera-sing the number twenty-three.  "Tweeenntyyyy threeeee," he sang.  I lost it. I was laughing so hard I cried.  He goes, "What? It sounds beautiful, doesn't it?"  Oh my gosh. It felt good to laugh so hard.

***

Wyatt got new clothes from my mom.
He stacked them up in his bedside table for the next day.

Spring weather has meant walks with mommy.
So much fun!

Wyatt loves riding his bike at the school nearby.

The boys always fight over who gets to drink the last of the milk from the jug.
This day it was Wyatt's turn.

Exciting news!  My baby cousin (who is 21 now-- how is that possible!?!) is getting married in May, so my sister and I are throwing her a bridal shower this weekend. I'm excited to see her and her sister and meet the groom.  (These are her invitations)

I absolutely love that Logan "corrected" the spelling of SHELLEY in his Daily Oral Language sentence since I spell it SHELLY. :)

This made me laugh.
It's so true.

Wyatt makes "guys" of everything.
Drawings, Legos, even Magnetix.

Life with boys:
They were killing a spider. It was intense!

Spring is here, and with it sunshine & flowers.
They both make me so happy!

I'm back at reading. Hooray!
This one: Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin

Speaking of books:

Our book club has made a list of summer reads to take us from now through August and we would love to have you join us if you're interested! Request to join the club on Facebook and order your May books!!!

This month I read:

The Edge of the Water

And I'm working on:

Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth

Little Face by Sophie Hannah

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

May is rapidly approaching. I guess I better get reading!

I walked in on this scene after brushing my teeth one night.
Wyatt reading to his little sister.
He makes me so proud!

We pushed through mommy's spring fever and are carrying on with homeschool.
I am so excited for summer break though!

We are on the three week countdown to Josh coming home.   Between my Workout Challenge and the boys' two baseball teams, I'm praying time flies between now & then!!!

Struggling

Josh and I have spent every evening this week Face Timing and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of as he works to wrap up five years of living in Marshall.  That's right.  Our adventure in rural Alaska is over.  

Now we are on to the difficult tasks of: finding a job elsewhere and downsizing all our earthly belongings into the number of blue Rubbermaid totes we have in our laundry room in Marshall.  

Last night as we sat sorting through the boys' homeschool stuff, Josh in our dining room in Alaska, me in my in-law's upstairs office-turned-bedroom in Washington nursing Carly, I burst into tears.  This is hard.  It's hard being away from him.  It's hard "packing" while I'm not there.  It's hard to have someone else (even if it's your beloved husband) sort through things for you.  It's hard to make the decisions I'm having to make.  

But just when I was feeling really down about the whole thing, I thought how lucky I am, really, that I am here and he is there.  Because if I was there, I'd have been doing the sorting & packing all myself instead of holding our sweet baby daughter.  If I was there, we'd have to take into account what the kids and myself would need to use/play with for the next three months.  Since it's just Josh there, he can sort and sell and pack whatever he wants cause we're not there to need it.  These are the silver linings I'm clinging to.

I'm not the only one struggling and wishing for this school year to be over.  Last night Wyatt wandered into my room around 10pm, tears in his eyes, looking for a lap to climb into.  I shifted little sister to one side and hugged them both tight while we all cried a bit.  He's just "sad dad's not here" he says.  That's all.  And there's nothing I can do to fix it. So I hug him.  And I cry with him.  And I tell him that I agree... It stinks.

We're on the downhill slide-- he'll be home for a visit soon and then we only have two months more... but honestly it feels like it'll be forever till we're living together again.  And if it feels like forever to me... I can't imagine how it feels for Wyatt or his brothers.  

I guess I keep expecting it to hurt less, for me to miss him less, for it to suck less... but it doesn't.  I haven't gotten used to being without him.  I still hate it.  And that makes each day feel particularly long.

I'd appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement as we push through this last bit of time being apart.  Not knowing what the future holds for our family is stressful; and days like yesterday & today, being apart feels simply unbearable.  

This Week (Week One Without Daddy)

The last two days have been emotionally tough.  Not for me with the baby, but for me with the big boys.  This guy especially is having a hard time with daddy gone this time. I'm not sure if it's because Josh was home three weeks this time, or if it's because my attention is even further divided now that there are four kids... but it seems that every emotion he has is on steroids.  Happy is HAPPY and sad is SAD.  It's been a challenging week of parenting him. And his brothers, really.

Thankfully our adjustment back to school and life without dad has been pretty seamless.  Josh's mom (we're living with his parents currently) has stepped in big time to help me with meals and laundry and care for the boys and I am healing up from surgery well.  Both those things together have made for a good, routine week following Josh's departure.

But I can feel that each of our boys is on edge emotionally and it hurts my heart for them.  To help, I am trying to keep my expectations clear, my empathy high and my parenting consistent.  It's tough, but I know we'll get through this.

 In more joyful news, sister is gaining weight!  From last week's breastfeeding class to this week's breastfeeding class, she had gained ten ounces!  So she's weighing in at 8lbs. 11oz.  I'm no longer pumping at all or supplementing the pumped breast milk, and she is completely off the nipple shield as well.  So things with Carly & nursing are on the up & up.

 More good news-- she's sleeping!  She goes down around 10 at night and sleeps until 2.  Wakes up and eats and gets changed, then goes back to sleep from 3 to 6am.  It's such a beautiful thing and I am so so grateful.

 She's a great sleeper, but when she's awake, she is so alert!  Everyone comments on it, and I find it's true.  She'll just loooook all around and take it all in.  It's adorable.

Sidenote: I still love dressing her.  Every day.  Even her pajamas get me excited.  I do wonder if it will ever get old... I figure maybe after seven years of dressing a girl I'll get tired of it, since I had only boys to dress for seven years. ;)

Speaking of the twins, they took me out to donuts on Monday with their allowance.  It was completely their idea and it made me feel so loved.  Despite their own emotions about Josh being gone, they've been very aware of my feelings and checking on me to make sure I'm not feeling sad.  It makes me feel like I must be doing something right to be raising such empathetic souls.

And they aren't only good to me.  They are the best brothers to Carly.  They hold her and rock her and talk to her.  They turn the music on her bouncer or tell me when they think she needs to be changed or held or fed.  I am so grateful for them.  Especially since Josh left-- having their hands to help me out is priceless.  

(She likes to keep an eye on me. hehe)

Aside from Carly growing & sleeping, what's currently making me happy is holding her.  This is how I spend my evenings.  I nurse her, then hold her on my chest while she cat naps before bed.  There is truly nothing like holding a sleeping baby.  It's the cure all for bad moods, sadness or anxiety.  She's such a sweet, sweet bundle; and I can't imagine life without her.

Another happy moment from this week?  Josh got me a new phone!!!  He was supposed to get himself a new phone and send me his old one... but instead he surprised me and when I opened the box, instead of finding his old cell phone, I found about ten Bath & Body Works items (lotion, body spray, bubble bath...) and a brand spanking new iPhone6 in rose gold.  All for me.  Cause he loves me.  He got me the one with all.the.memory, so I immediately downloaded all my music and every app I ever wanted.  I am overjoyed!!!  And feeling quite spoiled!

 I rearranged our room this week and put the Tiffany lamp Josh sent from Alaska on my bedside table. It makes me so happy to hang out in our cozy room now, which is good, cause I spend a lot of time in here feeding Miss Carly & tending to her needs!

It's been a busy, emotional week adjusting, but I have to say, I just feel like every suffering we've gone through has been worth it because of her.  Living without Josh is not what I want for myself or our boys (or Carly) but if we had to do it for this school year in order to get Carly here safely, then I say every tear we've shed has been worth it.  She's so perfect and we're all so happy to have her in our lives.  Each of the boys has independently thanked God during bedtime prayers for giving them a sister and getting her here safely.  They may not understand now what their sacrifice is for, but someday they will, and I believe they, too, will say it was worth it.

*** 

As I said, we're back into school and it's going really well.  I am thankful we had such a steady schedule established early on in the year because it has made getting back into the swing of things really manageable.  I sit at the head of the table with the Boppy & Carly, pretty much nursing the entire time.  I am able to multi task and give lessons while keeping sister fed & happy.  I have to be honest, I was scared about homeschooling with a newborn, but it has been beautiful and so easy.  

As easy as homeschool is, hands down my favorite part of the day is bedtime.  Dinner is done and it's a time when we can really unwind.  The boys get cozy in their pajamas and we all take turns holding Carly and reading bedtime stories.  The twins have really stepped up their read aloud game and read the stories most nights.  Often I spend all of bedtime in the rocking chair nursing the baby, but they know the routine and expectations so well, that I'm able to just sit back while they make bedtime happen.  

Their favorite part of the bedtime routine is bedtime prayers.  That's when Carly and I visit each brother's bed and they get to hold her while they pray, then give her snuggles.  They all just melt when I put her on their pillows next to them.  

 (The night I took these pictures, Wyatt had shared his favorite bubba with Carly...)

(It reminded me of this picture of Wyatt with Jack's bubba when he was a newborn.  So sweet!)

 Carly was making the sweetest noises the other night when Wyatt woke up with a headache and when he heard her, he said, "I love those cute noises she makes."  I just love navigating my kids through the love of a new sibling.  There's nothing else quite like it.  

 I love how involved they want to be in her care (like today when I bathed her and the boys took pictures for me) and the questions they have.  Wyatt asked three days ago when I am going to paint Carly's toenails.  I thought it was the cutest question.  And it made me feel like he totally gets why I was excited to have a daughter.  

 All in all, I'd say this first week solo-parenting four kids without Josh went swimmingly.  Sure, there's room for improvement, but I'm pretty darn happy with how it went & am thanking the stars above for such a smooth transition.

***

"Supposed to" Life

At my book club Tuesday night we were talking about how some people have a "supposed to" life  that they constantly compare with their actual life.  When we were talking about it, it was abstract.  We were talking about other people.  

Not me.

Then I woke up this morning, grouching at the kids again, barreling through school, wishing my kids would act this way or that, instead of the way they were acting... 

And I realized that I, too, have an imaginary "supposed to" life that included kids who always listen, patience that never ends and days that progress with nary a bump in the road.  

Constantly comparing my actual life to this unrealistic imaginary life is stealing the joy I could be garnering from my days.  And that makes me sad.  There is beauty in the mess.  I just know it.

So tomorrow I am going to try & push my "supposed to" life (the perfect fake one in my head) aside, and focus on finding the good in my real life.  Wish me luck.

***

Josh's Final Message

 Josh's final shower message to me (written with Wyatt's foam alphabet, that has only one of each letter) was "U CAN DO THIS".  I had been doing great.  Holding it together, feeling optimistic.  At the sight of that beautiful encouragement from my husband, I lost it.

It reminded me that I would be doing this alone.  But also, it reminded me that he believes in me.  And that vote of confidence was so uplifting.  I left it up for two days.  I needed it to buoy me along as we hugged our last hugs and said our goodbyes.

 It was strange for him to pack (in about an hour) everything he needed into just two pieces of luggage and a backpack.  Normally we have ten pieces of luggage, plus a backpack per person!  It was strange to drop him off and not go get on the plane with him.  For four years now, we've traveled together as a family.  The last time we did a drop off like this was when Wyatt was about six weeks old.

 It was very, very different this time.  The boys understand that Daddy's going to be gone a long time.  They, along with me, have their own feelings about this.  Thus far, we haven't had any tears from them, but I can see in their behavior that they're dealing with his absence in their own ways.  And last night at bedtime Logan said, "I hope daddy surprises us and comes home early."  I felt bad crushing his dreams, but I reminded him Daddy will be home on Halloween and not before, simply because I don't want him to have any unrealistic expectations.

 I won't lie. I did the ugly cry when he was hugging those boys goodbye at the airport.  

They were so sweet. 

"I love you, dad."  

"See you soon, dad."  

"Have a safe flight, dad."  

"Do good teaching, dad."  

They totally get it.  They know that him leaving is hard, but also necessary.  They know that he's working for our family.  And what I know is that this will all be worth it when I have a healthy baby in my arms, and we're back together as a family.

***

 This first bit apart is eleven weeks.  He'll be home for Halloween.  Then we have six weeks until he's home for Christmas.  Then it's just three short weeks before he'll come home for my planned c-section.  We're hoping he'll get two weeks home for that.  And after that, we're not sure.  He may come home one more time in the spring, but we might not see him again until May when school lets out.  Honestly, I am taking it one bit at a time.  Right now my focus is on the fall, starting up homeschool (on Monday! Eek!) and staying busy until Halloween.  (Including fall ball- baseball- which I signed the twins up for on Saturday. They are so excited! And swim lessons, my personal favorite.) 

***

So many people have reached out to us during this time of goodbyes, and I can't tell you how much it means.  A lot have asked what, if anything, they can do.  A few suggestions:

Send Josh a care package

We can make him feel loved even though we aren't there to love him.  Snacks, meal items, prizes for his students... It doesn't matter what makes up your care package-- it truly is the thought that counts.  I want him to know that he is loved and supported and appreciated for what he does.  Yesterday Wyatt told the lady at Winco Foods that his dad was going to Alaska "to teach all the kids".  It was so sweet.  What he does is really amazing and really challenging, and if we can collectively add a little sunshine to his weeks alone, I want to do that.

Reach out to the boys and myself

If you think of us, let me know.  Send me a message, comment on a blog post, shoot me a text.  And if you want to get together, even better! Nail me down for a time so that the boys and I have something to look forward to on our calendar.

Pray

Pray for Josh, pray for me, but mostly pray for this baby.  It's the reason we're sacrificing all that we're sacrificing and I can't wait to meet him or her.

***

In other news, I hit sixteen weeks today, four whole months, and I am so relieved to have made it this far. I will be even more relieved when I hear Little's heartbeat again on Thursday at my prenatal appointment.

Meanwhile, I'm contemplating gender reveal ideas to make things fun for Josh who won't be here when I find out.  There are so many awesome ideas!

"I love you mom"

And I'm enjoying my boys: Jack wrote me this note last night during his bath; apparently taking a note from his dad's book.  Logan hugged me while I was brushing his teeth and said he was sorry I cried at the airport and was going to miss daddy.  And Wyatt cracked us up on the way home from baseball sign ups.  Exasperated with his brothers, he sighed loudly then said, "For the love of pete! Would you listen to me?!?"  They are the sunshine in my days, and I'm so so grateful to be home with them.

***

You & Me

Love is absolutely real.  I know love is real because I have felt it every day for the last twelve years with this man by my side.  Today is our wedding anniversary.  In twelve years we've seen each other through some hard times-- car accidents,  illness,  poverty,  college courses that kicked our butts, the birth of our twins and our singleton, (the raising of said twins and singleton!!!), living apart for six months and then (finally!) living together in rural Alaska, which provided challenges all its own.

We have laughed and cried together, been overjoyed and frustrated together.  But through it all, good and bad, stressful and hilarious, we've been just that: together.

We are a week away from things changing.  A week away from doing things apart.  2,500 miles apart.  I am dreading it. I've done it before, so I know I can raise these three boys without him, but oh how my heart aches for those guys to miss their daddy.  Not to mention myself.  I haven't worn makeup in four days because I just keep crying.

Imagining saying goodbye at the airport. Imagining him getting home to our house in Alaska and us not being there.  Imagining him falling asleep alone in our bed instead of next to me.

In twelve years of marriage Josh has shown me countless ways he loves me.  But my favorites are the simple ones-- folding the laundry for me, primary colored love messages left in the shower with Wyatt's foam alphabet, and most of all, letting me sleep in.  I'm so thankful he speaks my love language. ;)

Beyond his sweet gestures, he lets me be me.  He lets me cry when I need to for no reason.  He lets me tell him where to hang things, change my mind, and make him do it again.  He assuages my parenting guilt when I've had a hard day being a mom, and he knows how to make me smile.  Because of all this, I will miss him.  I will miss him desperately when he leaves.

Here's to enjoying the light while it's still here.

***