To Be Needed...

These boys of mine... 

they are needing me lately, and I am so grateful.  The loss of the baby, whom I was so excited about having, made me feel quite useless when it came to parenting after my miscarriage.  That baby was going to need me in all the exhausting ways a newborn does.  Whereas my six & three year olds are nothing but more independent with each passing day.

{My Jack & me}

But the last two weeks, they have been gently reminding me that no matter their age, a boy always needs his mommy.

Jack asks to be tucked in at night and to be tickled daily.  I remind myself that even though he's big, he still needs to be held and hugged and loved.  Logan began requesting that I lay with him at bedtime and sing.  Then when I'm done laying with him, Wyatt has been asking to lay on my chest "Because it's cozy" he says.  Today he asked to sit in my lap during morning cartoons, and when I asked him why he said, "Because you are part of our family."  Well, you can't argue with that logic!

{Logan & Mommy}

In addition to daytime tickles & bedtime snuggles, I have become their go-to for bad dreams.  First it was Logan, dreaming that he had died and couldn't be with me anymore.  Then it was Jack, dreaming that Wyatt had stopped breathing in his sleep like Josh's baby sister Margaret did.  Both of them were seriously shook up by their dreams, and I happily slid out of bed and tucked them back in, whispering prayers in their ears as they drifted back off.

These moments, where my services (as it were) are needed have made me feel like a mommy again. 

{He hates kisses}

At bedtime I sing Dixie Chick's "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" and JJ Heller's "Keep You Safe" pretty much on repeat for them.  Their favorite is "Keep You Safe", which they call "Your Heart" and mine is "Godspeed", which lately reminds me of my baby in heaven.  

"Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams"

But laying there, as the sad feelings wash over me, I can't help but simultaneously feel incredibly blessed to have the three souls I do, in the room with me, peacefully tucked into their beds.

As I enjoy being mommy to these beautiful boys, 

another song I have been loving is 

Stand Still by Hilary Weeks.

"I've been taking pictures for a long, long time

Some are on paper, but most are in my mind

Snapshots and memories of the days when we were young

I plan to keep them

Long after you've grown and gone

I remember watching as you took your first step

Seems the clocks been running faster ever since

Every day a little taller, it says so on the wall

The days are passing

And they're not going to stop

And if I could

I would

Ask time to stand still

So I could hold you a little longer

I'd make the minutes stop

So we would always have today

I won't let the sun go down

Until you know how I feel

I love you so much

I wish time could stand still

Fingerprints all over the sliding glass door

And I can barely see underneath the toys on the floor

I have wished away the sleepless nights,

the noise and the messes made

But my heart reminds me

I'm gonna miss these days

So if I could

I would

Ask time to stand still

So I could hold you a little longer

I'd make the minutes stop

So we would always have today

I won't let the sun go down

Until you know how I feel

I love you so much

I wish time could stand still

***