Him

Last night I dreamed Josh & I were moving in with his sister Andrea & her husband Taylor. We had to fit all our stuff into one room, and we were arguing about where stuff should go. Josh kept telling me it wasn't going to be perfect, and he was just so angry. He was making me furious.  I woke up thinking that even though we'd been fighting in the dream, it was nice to feel like I spent some time with him.

He's been gone for four weeks. I can't believe that much time has gone by.  I feel like each day it gets easier. Not like I don't miss him, I do. But like it's becoming normal to do it all myself. I'm not waiting for him to come relieve me. I am doing it.

Even though I am adjusting to a new normal, I also find myself missing him at the most random of moments.

The other day I was at the river with my family and when Blake started skipping rocks on the water, Jack was instantly intrigued.  Blake showed him how it glides along the water.  I wanted to jump up and tell Blake to stop. Tell him that Josh was supposed to teach our boys how to skip rocks.  Thankfully I maintained my sanity & let the rock skipping lesson continue... It just surprised me how emotional I got inside.

I also get really emotional in the car.  I hate driving. I hate putting in gas. Josh told me yesterday it needs an oil change & the tires rotated and I really don't want to do it.  I miss him doing maintenance, and I miss him driving me around. I miss his company in the car. I miss singing (badly) to songs on the radio with him. I miss being serenaded by Josh's all-time favorite song by Journey. (Don't Stop Believing, which is oddly fitting considering how long it took him to achieve his dream...)

There is a car in our neighborhood this last week that has had me stopping in my tracks. It sounds exactly like Josh's car did. And every time I hear it I expect the gate to squeak & for Josh to open the door, bringing me flowers or Panda Express or to be returning from some errand with one of the boys.

We met with his family at Marine Park last weekend, and the whole time all I could think about was the fact that although I'd been to that park maybe a hundred times, I had never actually gotten out of the car. That was where we went parking when we were in high school.  I kept smiling to myself, picturing our seventeen year old selves making out after dinner & a movie.  So old school.  It made me miss the smell of his cologne.

I was making the boys' favorite dinner of lasagna & french bread the other night, and I burned the french bread. I always burn the french bread. Eventually, Josh took over in that department.  Now it's back on me, and I stink at it. After I pulled it out of the stove and set it, charred, on the counter, I leaned against the stove and had a good cry. Then I wiped my eyes & got the boys up in their boosters.  It's the first time we've had lasagna without Josh. The boys always LOVED when we would have that dinner and eat it "together as a family."

I also miss knowing every detail of his life. When we were home together for all of June & July, we would literally run out of things to say to each other because we already knew everything.  Now, it's like we have to cram it all into our conversations and there's never enough time. For instance, he & his roommate had a mice problem, or so we thought, and they set some traps.  Then a few days later I brought it up and Josh said they had caught the mouse and had no signs of any more.  I hated that I didn't know it the instant he caught the mouse.

I miss sitting & watching our beautiful kids with him. I miss shaking our heads together when they act silly, crazy or goofy. And I miss laughing with him at their shenanigans.  I miss holding hands looking in awe at the life we created together.
I also miss his back up-- I miss him saying, "Kids, listen to your mother!"

I miss back rubs.  I miss hugs.  I miss the way he would always say, "Hey, beautiful," when I walked into the room.  I just miss him. So to pass the time apart I am working really hard on preparing for the time when we are finally together.

I love you, Josh.
And I am so glad this time apart is only temporary.

"Within you I lose myself.

Without you I find myself wanting to be lost again."