“If you look into your own heart,
and find nothing wrong there,
what is there to worry about?
What is there to fear?”
-Confucius
Unfortunately,
despite the fact that I have checked within my own heart and found nothing
wrong, I am still wrought with fear. I
am scared. I hate feeling this way. So I
figured I would deal with it the way I deal with everything. I would write
about it. But beyond that, I decided I would blog about it. I would share my
fear with the world.
Perhaps by
sharing the fear, it will lose some of its strength.
Also, I am
hoping I am not alone.
I am
freaking out about the coming darkness.
For those of you who don’t know, we will reach a point, in late
December, where the daylight here in Marshall lasts roughly four hours. The sun will rise at 11am, and set near 3pm,
meaning Josh will miss the sunny window entirely while at work.
By the
time I got here last January, we were on our way out of the darkness. Each day got longer, by about five or seven
minutes. I have heard, from more than
one person, that its going into the
darkness that can do you in.
I fear
being stuck in the house, cold, dark day after cold, dark day, with my many
(loud, rambunctious) children. I fear
facing the holidays (my birthday, as well as Thanksgiving), and I fear
depression consuming me the way it did when I was pregnant with Wyatt fall of
2010.
This fear
hit me with a vengeance last night after I had flipped the calendar from August
to September. Fall is upon us. There is no denying that.
I fear
facing the darkness and longing, like no other, for the warmth of the sun upon
my face.
I have
only been here two and a half weeks, and already I have a laundry list of
things I miss.
I miss
people: my mom, my sister, Julie, Ferris.
I miss
places: restaurants, stores, the beach.
I miss
events, plans, social outings, parties.
I know not
what to do with this fear. Seeing as I
am here, and the darkness will come, I guess my plan had better be to face
it. I will journal daily, as well as
offer my gratitude for all the blessings that surround me. I will remember that I chose this because
being here, even if it is somewhat isolated, is easier than leaving my boys to
go to work every day. I will work hard
to stay connected. To call people, to
write people, to stay up to date on Facebook and the blog. And lastly, when the holidays come, I will
celebrate with those here. I will
remember that I am not alone, that we have friends and a support network in
Marshall, too.
And until
the darkness does come, I am going to remember to take it one day at a
time. I need not look ahead. I just have to make it through today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every
experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”
-Eleanor
Roosevelt
7 comments:
Can you get a sun lamp? For some vitamin d for y'all? Makes you happier, I hear. You will be fine. Being away from family on holidays is hard. I've been away probably a total of 9... Maybe 10 years of being married 13. It gets easier... Make traditions very important and seeing the magic of the holidays trough the kids eyes... Makes your heart warm.
See U have it all figured out. And U have a husband that is supportive. Some day you will look back & say what an adventure that was. Take care.
Alida
I was so excited to read this, first let me clarify, not because you are experiencing fear but because I lived in Alaska during the dreaded "darkness".
First of all, it's really not that bad, so breath and remember that on the longest day, it is also the day you start gaining daylight.
I too worked during it all and we literally would go to the windows in the breakroom at work and just stare into the horizon as the sun came up, take a moment to enjoy it and then back to work, we'd do it again as it was setting. It really is a beautiful time of the year, and really if you think about it, when I worked in the lower 48 I was up before the sun, getting the kids ready for daycare and me work and then home after it had already gone down.
The idea of a lamp is great, heck maybe even a community endeavor, everyone pitches in and gets a big one that can stay at the school, if not they have table top sun lamps that can be purchased at reasonable prices (just put your mom on it, she is the queen of finding good deals).
Another thing that we did during the winter was have crazy days to celebrate. One day would be inside out day, then maybe next time it would be crazy hat day, only wear red day, what ever the someone can come up it. It kept us distracted and entertained, and then we would all get together after work.
Have more get together's like you had only make them bi-weekly, or monthly and have them at the school if you can where space isn't an issue, potlucks are great, make them themed.
Start a walking group, coloring group, book club, baking group, something that you not only enjoy doing but could get other's involved with as well.
You can even have silly, fun days with just the boys.
You are so creative that I am certain you will find many many things to get you through the winter.
Breath, release the fear, grasp the adventure....you are growing and changing...it was beautiful to see the woman that you are...embrace it,
Much love
Aniko
I think being aware and sharing was a big, important first step to avoid depression. Make sure you have vitamin D supplements, too. You're great at staying on a schedule, that's going to help immensely. Is it unsafe to go out at all in the dark? Because the kids might have fun with flashlights.
I know you have Fridays that you look forward to with Josh, maybe make things to look forward to during the week, too. With J&L, like movie Monday, taco Tuesday (they help cook), things like that! Or funky Friday where you play/do anything they want to!
Hi
My name is Jenna and I came across your site. Your kids are special miracles, full of life, spunk and smiles.
I was born with a rare life threatening disease, developmental delays, 14 medical conditions.
http://www.miraclechamp.webs.com
I would have to agree with what Roxanne mentioned. The best way to first face your fears is to admit to, as well as, confront it.
Winter has never been a favorite time of mine, due to the already fleeting daylight, but I can most definitely sympathize for what you must be going through. To be honest, when it comes to winter I do my best to try to focus on enjoying the limited daylight while appreciating the personal family time one can spend indoors at night. Get the fireplace started, work on arts and crafts at the table, commune together, or just play a set of cards.
Although limited daylight can effect my mood, creating meaningful memories and fun despite the daylight can also assist to make things better. I wish you well this winter, and knowing you - I know you'll pull through! :D
So much wonderful support and ideas in the comments before mine!! I love it! First, I miss you too!! And I think if you've suffered from depression once, it is only natural to fear it. BUT - when you know better, you do better, and I can tell you you've learned so many coping skills and have so many interests that I believe you will not only get through it, but you will conquer it! Just read this post and take the ideas and run with them!! xoxox
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