Around Here: Week 16 {2018}

Peak Flow: Wyatt's "normal" is 250
His yellow zone: below 200
Hospitalization: 125

Going... to see my new counselor for the first time.  He provided a lot of insight considering we only talked for an hour (and most of that was me pouring my heart out, while crying).  He validated that what I've been through with Logan and Wyatt has been traumatic (both getting the phone call from the school that Logan had been seizing and witnessing the seizure at our house in third grade; as well as going through Wyatt's hospitalization for his lungs not working back in December) and he said I may be working through a bit of PTSD and that those experiences may be leading to my own physical health anxiety. Like my mind may be trying to predict the next big thing, and that's why when something hurts, I freak out like I do.
He also said that life has always been vulnerable- I've never had the ability to save my kids or loved ones- but we build up walls and safeties to protect ourselves from that truths, and I had mine ripped away in a pretty traumatic way in December when Wyatt was in a  hospital bed unable to breath, with a doctor in our hometown telling me there was nothing else he could do. (Thankfully, another medical team was on the way to transport us to Spokane where the children's hospital could do more, but it was a scary time nonetheless).
So my work with him will be on accepting the truth that life is unexpected and fragile.  Along with some other things.  I'm looking forward to getting to the bottom of some of my issues.

Feeling... better, bit by bit.  I am working on sleeping enough and exercising (walking the kids to school as much as possible, which is my favorite exercise) and taking my Prozac.  I haven't been feeding my body well this week, and I'm hoping to improve that next week, cause I can tell it's impacting how I feel. I crave comfort food, but it doesn't actually make me feel better, if that makes any sense.

Appreciating... all the love & support I've received after sharing about my (sort of) breakdown in my last "Around Here" post.  You all are amazing, and I'm so glad to have such an awesome village of mama's who have been where I'm at and rally around (and don't judge) when I am going through a rough spot. I have seriously felt nothing but love all week, and it means so much to me. Thank you.

Remembering... that recovery from anxiety is an up and down process.  I'll have two days where I feel pretty darn good, and then the third day I wake up feeling like I have been chased by a bear and downed two dozen cups of coffee.  It's frustrating, especially when I'm doing the same thing everyday for my recovery... but I just breathe, and know the scared feelings will pass, and especially remember that (for me) the mornings are the worst.  I move about my routine at a normal pace and trust that with time I will return to my old self.  I am also trying to watch my thoughts- staying in the moment helps me be assured that my thoughts aren't contributing the anxiety.  If I "hang out" in the future ("Is Logan going to have a bad reaction to his medication?" "Will I have more migraines next month?" "Will Josh get in a car accident on the way to work?") I tend to have more physical symptoms. It's a vicious cycle.  Staying I the moment, where I am, really helps.

Watching... Jack receive the Roaring Reader award at his school (Go Jack!) and getting all the boys' report cards.  They were all pretty darn good, and I'm proud of them for their hard work.  Wyatt especially is an amazing student, and I can't wait to see where the future takes that kid.  He's in first grade and already completed all the first grade reading curriculum, and first & second grade spelling words.  Little smarty!

Enjoying... date night with Josh (last week and this week) with some homemade pizza (Hawaiian, our current fav) after the kids went to bed Friday night and dreaming of getting away together.  Life has been heavy lately, and the thought of going away somewhere just the two of us is a dream I often indulge!

Reading... Marcelo in the Real World by Francisco X. Stork (who also wrote The Memory of Light, which I loved) which was such a good story about a boy with Aspergers trying to make it in "the real world".  I listened to it, and really enjoyed it. I want to read all his books now.
I am also still working on Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood: A Guide for Parents.  I am learning a lot about how Logan's seizures changed and what that means for him.  I am hopeful that at his follow up appointment in three months, I'll be able to ask more intelligent questions and understand more fully what is happening in his brain.
And lastly, I am listening to the second half of The Untethered Soul, which I started in March, but my library checkout ended before I finished it.  It is full of life changing advice.  I'm hoping to do a post devoted to its advice soon!

Taking... the twins to the dentist, and hearing "No cavities!" which makes me so happy!

Meeting... Josh for lunch one day last week with Carly in tow.  It was so nice to squeeze in some extra time with him, and to show Carly where daddy goes when he's "at work".  His students (he teaches fourth grade) thought Carly was the cutest, and it was so sweet.

Attending... baseball games Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights this week.  It was a crazy-busy week at the start, and so freaking windy and cold! I can't even describe the cold. It was miserable!  But it was also awesome because Josh got a chance to come to one of Wyatt's games finally, and I was able to go to one of the twins' games. (So far, we have missed each others' games because of overlapping game schedules!)  Josh was so proud of little Wyatt hitting the ball and running his heart out to first base, and I was SO proud of Jack pitching and SO proud of Logan (our leftie!) playing first base.  They both got multiple players out, hit like champs, slid into some bases and just played super awesome.  Seeing them out there in their uniforms also confirmed for me that the changes we've made have definitely made a difference in their bodies.  I know they have lost weight (at least ten pounds each) since the new year, but seeing their bodies from the bleachers, I can really see it.  It makes me so proud of us.

Grateful... Logan is adjusting well to the secondary anti-seizure medication so far.  We are on week three, and he's taking a small dose, twice a day.  By week five, we will be upping the evening dose (-it's a very specific titration schedule that we have posted in the bathroom, so that we increase his doses very slowly so he is less likely to develop the very rare, but super-scary, possibly life threatening rash that can occur with this and other epilepsy medications.  Deep breath, Shelly.  Deeeep breath!)

Caring... for Wyatt as he went from playing in a baseball game with a slight runny nose Wednesday night (and blowing a 250 on his peak flow meter) to coughing all night long and not being able to get off the couch Thursday morning (and barely blowing a 200 on his peak flow).  A drop of 50 peak flow points is unheard of for Wyatt thus far, and it had me thoroughly freaked out.  I managed to get him a same day appointment with our doctor, who put him on oral steroids (a 5 day course) as well as albuterol and inhaled steroids for his nebulizer (a 3 week course) and also found a double ear infection (Wyatt's third in three months!) and prescribed a course of 10-day antibiotics, as well as gave us a referral to see the Ear, Nose & Throat specialist to talk about getting tubes put in once he's healed up.
Thursday his peak flow number dipped down to 195, and he spent much of the day coughing on the couch moaning with flushed cheeks.  After just one dose of oral steroids, we could see a difference, and by yesterday (Friday) night his numbers had jumped back up 225 after albuterol treatments every four hours and while he's still coughing and we are not at all in the clear, I am far less scared.  This sickness took him down so fast, just like the one back in December did, and it's been an exercise in faith to walk it with him.
The truly crazy thing is that Carly has the same cold, and other than some snot, she's perfectly fine. Wyatt's asthma just kicks in as soon as he gets a cold.  So while he has an "asthma" diagnosis, "Reactive Airway Disease" is a far more fitting explanation of what happens to him when he gets sick.

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A note of encouragement for everyone fighting their battles:

Keep going!