Around Here: Week 20 2025

 {May 11 - May 17th, 2025}

{My little brother Dallas}

Mothers Carrying Things

"We begin by carrying the car seat, the diaper bag, the pump parts and pacifiers.

Then they grow and bring us collected rocks, Lego blocks, remains of snacks, dirty tissues.

All of this, we take in so they will know, whatever you hand to me, I can handle-

no matter how heavy it gets.

I once carried my whole world in the crook of my elbow.

There is nothing I cannot hold for you."

-Rachel Beachy

Feeling... the love on Mother's Day.  Carly asked me the night before what time I would be waking up, and then she surprised me wearing her apron to let me know breakfast was ready for me downstairs. She is so absolutely adorable, I can't stand it. She made me a fruit & yogurt plate, as well as an english muffin with grape jam. Yum! Carly gave me a coupon card and some sugar scrub she made with her class. Josh bought me candy and had the boys write in a card for me, which is my favorite because words of affirmation are my love language. 

Spending... the day with my mom and Roxanne painting pottery and then eating out. It was exactly what I needed after a week of hard parenting and life-ing.

Ordering... the cutest Cheeky Plum leotards for Carly for gymnastics. I cannot even with how precious they are.

Letting... Carly do my makeup and loving her current interest in makeovers. She gave me a very extra-bronzed look that I rocked all day. I'm telling you, having a daughter just never gets old.

Crafting... to help myself feel better and having so much fun doing so.  I made a frame out of popsicle sticks and hot glued beads on it in a pattern. Along the top I used letter beads to make it say, "See The Good". 

Edging... a breakdown. I can feel it waiting in the wings and it has me on high alert to do what it takes to reduce the risk.  I was telling Wyatt one morning that I could feel myself being more anxious than usual and feeling just.. useless? After attending his appointment, where I answered questions about his symptoms, and past surgeries, etc., Wyatt said, "You better not have a breakdown, mom. We'd be screwed without you. There's no way that dad would have remembered all the stuff you remembered for that appointment." He went on to tell me that I am not useless and that the role I play in our family makes me irreplaceable. Man, I'm so lucky to have that kid. 

Reading... Three Women, When Night Comes Falling and The Fibro Manual. Three Women is an intensely provocative book about three different women pursuing fulfillment in their sexual lives. It's been made into a mini series that I want to watch when I finish the book. When Night Comes Falling was about the Idaho Student Murders in Moscow and offered a lot of insight about both the victims as well as the perpetrator. The Fibro Manual I am taking chapter by chapter and applying to my own fibromyalgia as I see fit.  It's been really good and validating to read.

Looking... into my massage benefits through insurance after reading that massage can help with my fibromyalgia.  Turns out my insurance covers two massages per month with just a $15 copay. I'm so thrilled!  My fibromyalgia has been so bad, I would do anything to improve it. A reduction in stress would also help... but I don't see that happening magically on its own any time soon. So bi-weekly massages will have to do!

Listening... to "Then You Look at Me" by Celine Dion and "I Can Do It With A Broken Heart" by Taylor Swift on repeat. I also listened to this weeks' episode of De-Influenced. I don't necessarily agree with everything that Dani and her husband stand for, but I do really like them and their dynamic. They're hilarious and relatable. 

Canceling... a job one day this week for Carly because she had a migraine, and canceling another day because Jack was struggling. I hate canceling jobs because I know that my friends are depending on me to be in their classrooms, but I feel so blessed that they also understand I am a mom first, and a substitute second. 

Celebrating... Logan & Elyssa's five month anniversary. Those two are so cute and silly together.

Parenting... the kids together with Josh and practicing saying no. I often have to remind myself that, as the boys say, "It's not that deep." I mean, sure, they're disappointed in the moment if I say no, but they get over it. 

Struggling... to keep Logan & Jack at school all day everyday. The real bummer of those two driving and having their own cars is that they can leave campus, or sit in their cars and skip class... I keep telling them, "One more month!"

Grounding... Logan after catching him skipping class. He was so angry to lose his driving, friend and phone privileges... but it had to be done. We're so close to the finish line. 
Since he was grounded from everything else, we hung out in my room watching a BBQ cooking show, during which he fell asleep. Gosh, I just love him so much. 

Subbing... in my friend Rebecca's first grade class and even without her there, her classroom is just such a warm environment. It was a really nice day.  
I also subbed in my friend Amy's class and I came home with some pretty funny stories that day. As a sub, I don't always have a strong connection with students. So to get them to eagerly participate and follow directions, I will pass out Skittles. Near the end of the day, one of Amy's little kindergartners (with a strong speech impediment) said, "Thanks for passing out so many Tittles." Oh, I was cracking up. Then at recess I saw a kindergarten friend from another class. I told him I liked his fresh haircut and he responded, "Thanks! It's a mullet!" Another little friend was with us and he said, "I only have one mullet," and he started pulling up his shirt. Startled, I looked on as he pointed out a mole on his stomach and said, "This is my mullet." Bahaha.  I corrected him, that it was a mole, and giggled all the way back to class.  This is why I love kindergarten so much.

Going... to Jazzercise and loving how I feel during and after class.  It's necessary for my stress relief and just feels so good.

Breaking... up a fight between the twins, who have been absolutely at each other's throats lately. They haven't fought like this in years. Probably since seventh grade. After the fight, though, we had a really good talk, all four of us, downstairs and we really cleared the air. It needed to be done. 

Attending... counseling after a three week break and having SO much to cover. A lot of life happens around here every week. The main lesson I learned this week was that I can come home to myself.  By that I mean, I don't need Josh or my mom or sister, or even my counselor, to find and feel peace. I can turn to myself and find peace within. 
We also talked about how the work I put in with my family now is so much less tangible than it once was.  My counselor is so validating and talked about how being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) is one of the heaviest (if not the heaviest) roles a person can serve.  Parenting older kids is less hands-on, which is nice, but it's also less visible, which means I am carrying this invisible load that no one can see. She also reminded me that when I screw up (which honestly feels like it's happening all the time lately), it's good for my kids to see me making repairs. No one is perfect, so showing them how to apologize or fix cracks in our relationships is an important skill for them to witness and learn. 

Sending... Jack to therapy as well.  He's liking it much more now that he's seeing Heather again. She's really real and relatable and easy to talk to. I am so grateful for her. This week she was encouraging Jack to utilize some positive affirmations. I love this idea because I think he's really hard on himself in his own head.

Forcing... Jack to take walks each day for his mental health as well.  It's the only thing in the last (nearly) year that has really improved his mood.  Unfortunately he hates doing it. So it's been a constant battle. Luckily Josh has been walking, so he just takes Jack along with him. 

Taking... all three boys to the doctor together, which I haven't done in ages. Thankfully I was able to leave Carly with Josh, so it was just the four of us. And they met me at the clinic because I had to get there directly from work. Walking in behind them, I was blown away that these... these men... are my children. Were once my children. Truly, where does the time go?

Chatting... with our doctor about whether Wyatt's ADHD meds would restrict his growth or not. Thankfully because he only takes it 5 days a week during the school year, it shouldn't impact his growth. It's funny he's worried because he's already taller than Logan and nearly the same height as Josh. 

Getting... an increase in Jack's anti-depressants in hopes it will help his depression and suicidal ideation. At this point it feels like we're just throwing everything at it and waiting to see what sticks/helps. 

Changing... epilepsy meds for Logan as his Depakote started causing acne all over his head and torso. Thankfully his neurologist is amazing and not only changed his meds, but also wrote up a titration schedule for him so he can quit the Depakote slowly and start the Zonisamide as well. 

Playing... baseball when we got home from the doctor's office, the whole family.  It was 100% what we all needed to reconnect.  There was so much laughter, cheering and trash talking. It was amazing.

Grateful... Logan is working so hard at umping each week. This first job of his just makes me so damn proud.  

Sending... Wyatt to school all week knowing he'd spend the days doing SBA (state) testing. He hates tests.  And he's really smart. Which is unfortunate for him, haha, because the smarter you are, the harder and longer the tests are. So testing has always been a challenge for him. Thankfully he puts in full effort, even though it's so much work. 

Also, sending Carly to school for testing this week. Her testing was iReady reading, and she scored a 600! Which was the highest in the entire third grade. I am so proud of her. 

Eating... dinner with just Wyatt & Carly one night this week when Logan was umping and Jack was detailing someone's car. It was really quiet. Like, eerily quiet. And Wyatt spoke up saying aloud what I had been thinking, "This is what dinners around here will be like soon." Gah. I wasn't prepared for the devastated squeeze in my heart. How is it possible that in thirteen months those two boys could spread their wings and leave the nest? I'm not ready for them to fly the coop. How did an entire childhood pass so fleetingly?

Visiting... the orthodontist with Carly and getting her new bands. Her smile is really starting to come together!

Enjoying... gymnastics now that I've made friends with the sweetest grandma who brings her granddaughter to practice every week. I so look forward to visiting with her. She's the best. 

Carpooling... Carly and a friend to a birthday party and feeling glad her mom will drive them back. 

Watching... the original Anne of Green Gables with my book club on Saturday night, and loving how fancy Jessica made everything. She made punch, and carrot cake and it was just so fun. I LOVE Anne of Green Gables, but had never seen the original show, so they insisted we get together and watch it. They were right- it's a classic. I loved it so much.

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{This was a lightbulb to me}

Amen

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Memories: