35 Lessons I Learned In My Thirty Fifth Year

We often keep track of our kids' growth year to year, but not our own.  This year, for me, has been a transformative one.  I have gone from feeling weak to feeling strong, and from constantly fearing what's in store to spending more of my time believing God's got my back, and whatever comes my way, I'll be able to face it when I get there.  Here are 35 lessons (both big & small) that I learned in my thirty-fifth year of life.

It honestly, has been a year of suffering for me.  A year of hard, painful heartbreak and growing, watching my kids struggle with asthma & epilepsy among other things.  But Ann Voskamp says, "The miracle happens in the breaking." And I have to say she is right.  I feel like a newer, better version of myself.  And that's kind of a miracle.    

1) I need to let my children be who they are. 

Not who I think they are or who I dream they should be.

2) Perfection is not required.

I was running late to school one day because Wyatt had forgotten his backpack and we had to turn back and go get it.  When my friend Emilia passed us after hearing why we were late, she yelled to me, "Perfection is not required, mama!" It was like a warm hug.  What a lovely reminder.

3) Give grace.

Cause God knows I'm gonna need it (especially in friendships & in marriage).  I am gonna screw up, forget stuff, be a jerk... If I have given my friends grace when they needed it, they are way more likely to give it to me when I require it.

 4) Make the beds.

The whole house feels clean & organized if the beds are made.

5) Have the children help.

A lot.  It's good for them. And me.  We're a team, and we're only gonna get through this together.

6) Prioritize my sanity.

See my counselor; workout daily; journal often; pray ceaselessly, & cry as needed.

7) Put intimacy on the calendar.

Our marriage deserves alone time, and if putting it on the calendar is what it takes to make it happen, then so be it.  Happy husband + happy wife = happy life

8) Think horses, not zebras.

This gem from my friend Shana is how I overcame my health anxiety.  She said if I have a stomach ache, I need to think of simple explanations, not stomach cancer or liver failure.  Remembering this saying has been incredibly helpful as my health anxiety has reared its ugly head. 

9) Eat real food.

This is how I lost 35 pounds this year.  Well, that and moving my body.

10) Contentment is dependent on self acceptance.

If I accept myself, I will be more likely to be content with both my belongings, and my life in general.

11) Read more books.

Sometimes you can't change your life.  Escaping into a good book is the next best thing.
Also, self help books may be cliche, but they can also be life changing.

12) Take time to delight in  your kids.

It's okay to be the mom laughing with your two year old in the cereal aisle.
Or screaming with them on the zip line at the pumpkin patch. (Just sayin')

13) It's my resistance to life's events that causes stress.

The actual event itself doesn't cause stress.  My resistance does.  Acceptance is key.  I learned this from Michael Singer, who wrote The Untethered Soul.  (I highly recommend it.  It is life changing, no joke.)

14) It is what it is.

The sooner you accept, the sooner you can make a plan and move forward.  Repeating this mantra helps me with #13.  It keeps me from resisting life's events.
For example, Logan has epilepsy.  His brain gives him seizures. We don't know why, and no amount of tantruming on my part will change it.  The sooner I accept this reality, (no matter how much it may suck) the sooner I can move forward with a plan for him and get on with living & enjoying him regardless.

15) Other people want to help me.

I need to let them.

16) It's okay to not be okay.

Even if my life is currently good or great, it's okay to have a hard day, week or month.

17) Being real & vulnerable is beautiful.

I love this quote about it by Brene Brown:

"Vulnerability is about having the courage to show up and be seen." 

Yes. Just, yes.

18) It's okay to need a break from my children.

Everyone needs a break from their job occasionally, and my kids are my job.  It doesn't make me a bad mom.  It just makes me human.

19) Book clubs are the best.

Seriously. Join one. Create one.  You won't regret it!!!

20) I can do hard things.

Like moving to a new town; walking my kid through epilepsy; surviving the PICU & status asthmaticus as a parent.  There is strength in the depths of me that I had no idea existed.

21) Listen to my mom-gut.

God uses it to speak to me.  Like taking Wyatt in when he was breathing funny last year before he was hospitalized and wondering this year if he needed his tonsils & adenoids out (turns out he does!).

22) It's okay to have boundaries.

I'm not a doormat. I am not super great at setting up or keeping said boundaries, but that's something I am working on.

23) Say "thank you" in stead of "I'm sorry".

"Thank you for waiting for me" instead of "I'm sorry I'm late"- it allows the person to say "You're welcome" instead of having to excuse my crap behavior. Hah!

24) Walking loved ones through heartache is a privilege.

(This is technically from my 34th year, but I'm still learning from it) It hurt like hell, but being there for my sister when she lost her foster daughter meant more to me than anything. 

Truly, any time someone lets me inside their pain, I see that as a privilege, and I try to treat it as such.

"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot.  All of that unspent love gathers up int he corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest.  Grief is just love with no place to go." 

-Jamie Anderson

25) I am not in control.

I repeat. I am not in control.  I hate this one.  Logan's epilepsy is the catalyst for this lesson and it's been a tough one, but learning to let go has been ultimately good for me.  I'm just along for the ride.

26) It's best to be as honest as I can 

with the kids about everything.*

This year we have been telling our kids about their health stuff, our family  happenings, why their bodies are doing what they're doing, etc.  It has made it easier when new/scary stuff has happened because they weren't blindsided by it.

27) *Except when it comes to magic!

We are keeping Santa, The Elf on the Shelf, and the Tooth Fairy alive as long as possible!
#longlivemagic

28) In a blood emergency, I am no good.

But in other emergencies, I am very level headed.  I've learned to take a moment to breathe before responding or deciding anything and it's amazing what that does.  It's saved us many ER visits and probably many panic attacks as well!

29) Anti-anxiety pills & anti-depressants 

are nothing to be ashamed of.  

We all need help sometimes, and for me this year that included a Rx of Prozac.  It has reduced my health anxiety, my generalized anxiety, my panic attacks and my depression.  Do I love the stigma that comes with saying, "I'm on Prozac"? No.  But my mental health, for the sake of my family and myself, is worth it.

30) Sitting with a negative feeling is one of the hardest things I've done, but it's also one of the most important things I've done.  

And as I keep doing it, it gets easier.  Plus, then I don't have to wait for those negative feelings to resurface later.

When I think of my strong, tough, cool, invincible ten year old boy being vulnerable and having to tell a classmate that he's going to have a seizure, then losing control of his body and coming out of it, dazed and confused, looking like a Japanese anime character, with huge black pupils and no one there to hug him and hold him, it hurts me physically that I'm not there.  But sitting with those feelings, accepting this reality ("It is what it is" "I'm not in control") is so important for my growth.
And the truth is, he is okay, he is cared for at school, and he has accepted this reality... so I need feel those feelings to do the same.  It's just really (really) hard.

31) Marriage is work some days.

But good night (!!!) is it ever worth it!  Josh and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary this summer and I am so grateful that he is by my side.  He fills in in our parenting where I am lacking, and he buoys me up when I am down.  I honestly don't know where I would be without him.

32)  People are good.

When times are tough and life gets hard, if you look around, you'll find the good people doing what they can to lighten your load. That day when Wyatt was getting ambulanced to Spokane and I was scared out of my mind, there was a nurse who asked if there was anything he could do.  I told him I hadn't eaten at all that day.  He was on with no breaks in sight, so he couldn't go to the cafeteria for me, but he could give me his own personal lunch from the fridge. So that's what he did.  It sustained me for HOURS on what was the longest day of my life.  To him it was a small act, but to me, it was so, so HUGE.

33) I feel best when I am giving.

I try to remember this, and make sure that I plan times when I am helping a friend, baking for others or just doing little things for my kids & husband that will make their day.  (Like earlier this week when I put the boys' fleece snowflake sheets on their beds, much to their delight!)

34) Admitting my weaknesses can become a strength.

For example, as stated above, I know I don't deal well with blood.  Knowing that, I can call in reinforcements (Josh or a neighbor) if I'm faced with a really bloody situation.  It's okay to call for help, and knowing my weakness allows me to get what I need in that situation.

Another example is from this summer when I was at my wits end with parenting and asked Josh to take all the boys out of town to see his mom.  When all was said and done, reaching the end of my rope became a strength because it taught me to ask for what I need.

35) And lastly, but perhaps most importantly, I am enough.

I am good enough, and strong enough, and smart enough, and pretty enough.
I don't have to be constantly improving myself or changing myself or comparing myself.  There isn't some yardstick by which I need to be constantly measuring my life.

"You alone are enough.

You have nothing to prove to anybody."

-Maya Angelou

God gave me these children, and this exact life because he knew I was strong enough to live it, and in this year, I have come to trust that.  It's not always easy, and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I've come a long, long way, and that feels really good.

***

Around Here: Week 46 {2018}

I cracked up when my sister sent this to me with the caption:
"Carly's Asian doppleganger" 
#totally

Working out... five days this week.  I've been waking up before the kids and doing my Leslie Sansone Walking video, which is great.  After my workout, I have been meditating, which is such a lovely way to start the day.  A couple times I also worked out after the kids were awake and I'm happy to report that at their current ages, that was actually okay as well.

Staying... overnight with my girlfriend Shana at a hotel here in town to celebrate my birthday early.  She was so sweet and splurged on us so we could both get away from our kids & responsibilities for a night.  We got good food and watched HGTV and talked and talked and talked. It was so lovely.  I'm so blessed by her friendship and the time together was so filling to my soul.

Waking up... to what looked like snow on Sunday morning at the hotel.  It turns out it was actually just freezing fog, but the whole town looked magical and sparkly.  The wintery magic continued Monday & Tuesday as well.

Discovering... that I am highly effected by the weather.  It creates a lot of anxiety for me, trying to prepare the kids for the weather (making sure they are wearing the right gear, making sure they are warm enough), trying to prepare our house for the coming weather...  I was really nervous for the fall, and now that fall is nearly over, I was getting really nervous for the winter.  But now I am trying really hard to embrace the seasons and all they hold.  Throughout the fall, I lit candles and cozied up with good books and sweaters.  Now that the weather is in the twenties every morning, I'm wearing my winter hats (I love hats!) and turning on my heating blanket twenty minutes before bed every night.
The other night I was washing my face & slipping into my pajamas before dinner and I could hear Josh and the kids in the kitchen.  He was finishing dinner, and the twins were setting the table, and I thought, "I love this time of year." The thought surprised me, but I knew it was true. It was about 5:30pm, completely dark outside, but inside our house felt so warm and full.  I found myself feeling so grateful for this little family we have created and the joy we have together, no matter the weather.  It was a good feeling.  I guess saying goodbye to summer isn't all bad.

Laughing... as every morning I go in to find Carly naked in her crib.  When you ask her why she's naked, she rubs her belly exaggeratedly on her super-cozy blanket from Nanny (my mom) and says, "I wanted to feel the cozy!" Thankfully, she leaves her diaper on!!!

Grieving... another seizure on Sunday which ended a nine day streak of no seizures for Logan.  This one, for some reason, hit me really hard.  I think maybe because I wasn't there (I was at the hotel with my girlfriend) but also because I had really put my hope in his new secondary medication.  The good news is that he's not on the full dose yet (and won't be for another week) so there is still hope that he will hit the sweet spot and it will work to stop his seizures.
I just found myself wanting to know whyyyyy he keeps having them, and wishing I could stop them.  He was playing outside with the neighbor kids when he felt it coming, and he told them.  He got himself safely to the sidewalk, and our neighbor boy had to run to our front door to get Josh and tell him Logan was having a seizure.  I just hate this life so much for Logan. Of course, things could be worse, and I often remind myself of that, but things could also be better-- he could have nothing wrong, like Jack.  He could be perfectly healthy like his identical twin brother.
Life can just be so confusing sometimes.

Spending... the rest of the weekend cleaning the house and going to the grocery store as usual.  I have started making sure those two things get done over the weekend so that I can spend the time that the boys are in school relaxing or getting other big things crossed off my to do list.  I like the kids to come with me to the grocery store (to help) and they are in charge of a lot of the house cleaning now (the twins alternate bathroom cleaning and vacuuming) so getting it done on the weekends just makes sense. It's so nice to start the week off with a full fridge and a clean house!!!

Relishing...  having Monday off for Veteran's Day.  I'm telling you, if we could have a three-day weekend every weekend, we would get so much done!  With three days off there is enough time for work and pleasure.  We got time to relax and time to cross things off our to do list.
This Monday I took the twins shopping with me.  I had a bunch of random errands to run and they have had terrible attitudes about running errands lately, so I made them come with me.  It actually ended up being really fun to have them tag along with me, and I think we will do it more often.  They may not love it, but it is a nice way to spend a little special time together.

Surviving... early release all week this week for parent/teacher conferences.  I have dropped the boys off at 9:00, just to turn around and pick them up again at 11:30 (I go early to get a good spot in the parent pick up line #momlife) while eating my lunch in my car everyday.  Our parent/teacher conferences were on Tuesday, back to back to back, and the kids actually did surprisingly well, considering I had all four of them for all three conferences.  Logan's teacher said that he is so respectful and empathetic and polite and that he just needs to work on talking less in class.  Jack's teacher said she loves having him in class, and that he's super friendly and respectful, and he just needs to work on talking less in class.  (Hah! I love that both twins need to work on the same thing.)  Wyatt's teacher said that he is a joy to have in class, that he is super smart (excelling in math and reading beyond his grade level) and that the only thing he could improve on is his desk organization, which surprised me & cracked me up. He held his little hands up above his shoulders & shrugged, and we all giggled.  He said it is a mess in there.  Haha!

Loving... our beautiful new bedding!  For my birthday Josh asked me what I really wanted (other than tennis shoes, which I needed) and I told him I wanted a new bed set.  So I took myself (and the twins) out to chose something new.  I went to Ross and found a beautiful light purple comforter (for only $23.99!), a set of brand new 400 thread count sheets, and some new throw pillows for both the bed and loveseat we have in our room.  I am in love with how our room looks!  It's so nice to have such a lovely place to retire to each night.

Walking... the twins through their twice yearly dentist appointment.  Jack was up in the night beforehand, worrying obsessively about if he was going to have cavities.  I assured him that while I don't want him to have any cavities, if he ever gets one, it will not be the end of the world.  It was causing him so much anxiety. 
Thankfully the next morning they were both cavity free, and their mouths look great!  We are faithful about brushing twice a day, but we need to get better about having the kids floss.

Luxuriating... in our living room with new curtains that Wyatt helped me pick out.  I was having trouble choosing, going back and forth, and back and forth, and he pulled the ones we chose off the shelf and said he liked them.  I hadn't even noticed them before that.  But they are really gorgeous!

Organizing... the office, or at least getting started on it.  I still have a ways to go, but it feels good to have it started.  It's the last room left in the house that needs to be sorted & organized!  It got REALLY bad before I finally tackled it, but that just means the results feel even more amazing. Hah!

Reading... The Untethered Soul while drinking tea, bundled up under blankets and also spending lots of time journaling.  I have also been reading Thanksgiving books to Wyatt & Carly from our collection.  We love Thanks for Thanksgiving. The art is my favorite, and Carly likes pointing out all the kitties & puppies!
I also finished listening to A Spark of Light by Jodi Picoult on audio, but I did not care for it at all.

Feeding... Carly way too much candy because it's impossible to tell her no. Thankfully the Halloween candy is now officially gone, so it shouldn't be a problem anymore.  She loves candy, but luckily she also loves fruit & veggies.  Otherwise, we'd be in trouble!

Delighting... in the new cubbies that Josh and his brother built me. I've dreamed of these cubbies since we moved in, and this week, they are complete!!!  I love them! The kids have two baskets each (for mittens, gloves & hats), a place for their boots & shoes, and three hooks- 2 for coats & 1 for their backpacks.  They are epic!  (Thanks Josh & Samuel! You are the BEST!)

Taking... Wyatt to the follow up appointment for his sleep study Thursday (after getting the day wrong and trying to take him on Wednesday #momfail) and getting some disturbing news.  It's normal for people to stop breathing up to 5x an hour while they are sleeping.
Wyatt stops breathing 24x an hour.  He has Obstructive Sleep Apnea.  The solution for this is an adenoid and tonsillectomy.  After he has those removed and is all healed, we will do a repeat sleep study to make sure they have solved the problem.  (In 70-90% of cases, the removals solve the obstructive sleep apnea.)
The scarier issue is that Wyatt also has Central Sleep Apneas, periods of time where his brain is forgetting to tell his body to breathe.  Those are happening 17x an hour.  And that is not normal for a child. At all.  The doctor asked us if Wyatt had had any head injuries, and I looked at Wyatt, racking my brain, trying to remember if he had had any head injuries recently, and Wyatt came through and remembered that he had cracked his head open in July during a pillow fight with his brothers.  The doctor then started explaining that head injuries can take time to heal and that was probably why those were happening.

Literally as he was talking, I suddenly remembered that Wyatt had had a terrible fall at the pool {see pool injury photos below} shortly after cracking his head open.  (I have since looked and it turns out, it was exactly two months after his pillow fight accident.)  I told the doctor and he looked serious. He said secondary injuries to the same area are not good for the head.  But he said the only thing that helps is time.  Wyatt had his sleep study about six weeks after that second injury.  So our hope is that with more time, his brain will continue healing, and it will remember to tell him to breathe consistently.  If not, we will follow up with an appointment to see a neurologist.
In the meantime, our course of action is to get his tonsils and adenoids out to address the Obstructive Sleep Apnea, and to pray for his brain to heal and solve the Central Sleep Apnea.

{I had freshly cut his hair that morning, hence the haircut marks}

Driving... to Wenatchee to see a movie with my sister for my birthday.  We decided to see Instant Family because I love Mark Wahlberg and foster care is my sister's passion.  It was such a good movie, so well done.  The perfect mix of serious emotions and laughter.  We both loved it.

Hosting... a playdate at our house after school Friday, with a playmate for each of the boys, plus one neighbor boy, meaning we had seven boys, ages 7-11 at our house from noon to four Friday.  It was a little loud & crazy, but they all had a great time, and I felt like a good mom, so it was totally worth the mess & headache. Bonus was that it wore them out so completely, they were all ready for bed extra early that night!  #momwin

Connecting... with this quote from A Spark of Light, even though I didn't love the book:

"Parenthood was like awakening to find a soap bubble in the cup of your palm and being told you had to carry it while you parachuted from a dizzying height, climbed a mountain range, battled on the front lines... All you wanted to do was tuck it away, safe from natural disasters and violence and prejudice and sarcasm, but that was not an option.  You lived in daily fear of watching it burst, of breaking it yourself.  Somehow you knew that if it disappeared, you would too."

-A Spark of Light

Jodi Picoult

Lately parenting the twins in particular has been challenging.  They are growing and stretching and bucking against all the boundaries, and it's been so hard.  I definitely identify with the fear of breaking it myself.  I try and try with all my  might to do my best, but I know that no matter what I do, none of it will be perfect.  And that's really frustrating.  Luckily, perfection is not required.

This week I also came across this:

This is everything.

I love the reminder to:

breathe in the amazing

hold on through the awful

and relax and exhale during the ordinary...

Such beautiful reminders.

***