All The Feels

With the move, I expected some misbehavior from the kids.  I expected tears and anger and some big time adjustment issues.  Instead I have only had occasional bedtime emotions.  And only from Wyatt.  I guess the twins are so used to this "on-the-go", constant-change lifestyle that it doesn't bother them in the least.  All those years leaving for Alaska in the fall have paid off.  

With Wyatt what usually happens is this:

I tuck Wyatt in, we say prayers and I sit in the rocking chair to feed Carly.  Then Wyatt rolls around a bit, talks about something random (like earth spinning really fast, "but we can't feel it") or asks me questions (like "Can water sunburn?") then he stops and says to me, "I feel sad." 

So I lay Carly down and scoop Wyatt up.  "Why are you sad?" I ask.

"I miss everybody," he tells me.

Even though it makes me sad that his little heart hurts, I am so, so proud of him for talking about his feelings and I'm so happy that just a hug from mom helps him feel better.  My hope is that with time he will see that we aren't as cut off from our people here as we were in Alaska.  Poor little buddy!

***

Homesick, Heartsick

I've been a touch sad the last couple of days. Crying over nothing, at totally random times.  I'm not sure if it's my hormones, the miscarriage (it's been 8 weeks now) or my being homesick.  This year is the worst for my homesickness.  It's never been this bad.  I miss my people.  I miss my places.  I miss being able to distract myself with running errands and spending time with friends and family.  I miss being able to get the kids out of the house-- going to the zoo, or my mom or sister's-- to enrich their days (and mine!).  I miss picking up an easy meal out after a long day, and the ease of driving myself wherever I need to go (namely the doctor).  I also miss shopping.  And vegetables.

I have a trip to Anchorage coming up. To meet my bestie.  I know it will be a super fun, much-needed break, but along with all my sad emotions, I am feeling really guilty about leaving Josh and the boys.  There's so much I am looking forward to doing while we're there-- eating out, shopping, going to the movies, and catching up with Julie.  But I can't help but feel that niggling sense of guilt about being gone so long.  It feels selfish. 

Josh encourages me to look forward to the trip.  Telling me that it will be a wonderful mini-vacation, that he and the boys will be fine without me, and that he's glad I get this little bit of time away.  He assures me I will come back refreshed, and that it may be hard to say goodbye, but it will make coming home ever-so-sweet.

On this trip I would have been finding out the sex of our sweet little baby. So I think that is making the trip a little bittersweet as well.  New Years would have marked the halfway point of this pregnancy and instead of growing a little one inside me, I have no idea what the future holds.

***

"I know sometimes you cannot breathe deeply,

and the night sky is no home,

and that you are down to your last two percent, 

but

nothing is infinite

not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day,

you are going to find yourself again."

-Finn Butler