Anchorage Trip: Round Two

 I hesitantly left December 30th for Anchorage, planning on meeting my best friend there for a five day rendezvous minus our collective six sons, and enjoying a mommy respite.  The trip was originally planned for OB appointments, as I would have been twenty weeks pregnant, having my big ultrasound and follow up.

When I lost the baby at the end of October, we kept the trip on the calendar, knowing we could both use a break after the holidays, but when the time finally came to leave my boys, I was having a hard time getting excited.

It didn't help that that morning I had taken a pregnancy test, and it was positive. 

Barely, but still.  

I could hardly wrap my mind around it, and Josh and I were both hesitant to believe it was current, considering I never had a follow up after my D&C.

 Despite delays on both ends,  Julie and I made it to Anchorage that night and we celebrated with dinner at Red Robin, both in shock that I might be expecting again.

 The following morning I took another pregnancy test, and sure enough, it was positive.

 Thankfully I had a doctor appointment planned for later that morning, so my doctor did a blood test to double check and took an HCG measurement.  She also ordered a follow up HCG (to see how the numbers were rising) for two days later.  Aside from taking care of my pregnancy questions, she looked at my ears, which have been bothering me since my last trip to Anchorage.  She said I have dysfunctional eustachian tubes and that a nasal steroid spray should take care of it within a week.

 After my doctor appointment, we went to Walmart to place my bush order. 

I filled a grocery cart with everything on our list and left it in the bush department.  They will box it up and ship it out COD (Cash on Delivery) to our post office.  We'll write a check when we pick it up, and that's it.  It's pretty much the coolest thing.

 We also went to Barnes & Noble.  I didn't buy anything, but it was lovely to wander around, looking at all the books, journals and stationary they had.

 Then we crossed a new "first" off my list.

First trip to Target in Alaska.

It was as great as I remembered Target to be, even though it's been five sad months since I set foot in one.  I found some great toys for the kids, new cups for the kitchen and a few other things that were on my list.

 Then we went and saw Unbroken.  It was really moving, and I loved it. Almost as much as I loved the movie theater popcorn {with butter!} that I got!

Wednesday night we rung in the new year with me in the emergency room, thinking I was having a reaction to the nasal steroids. Long story short, I wasn't.  I was having a panic attack.  I was embarrassed that it wasn't a reaction to medication but a reaction to my life circumstances that landed me there, but the ER doc was really understanding and sent us on our way as quickly as possible.

 Friday we headed back to the lab so I could give more blood for a second HCG count to make sure the levels were rising as they should.  Then we headed to my follow up appointment (two months late) for the D&C.  

At my OB's office I informed the nurse & doctor that I'd had a positive pregnancy test and that a blood test had confirmed it.  We proceeded through the appointment as if it were a first trimester care appointment.  They took more blood for a full prenatal panel, and the doctor walked me through the odds that it was left over HCG from my D&C two months ago.

Then we waited for the results of my quantitative HCG from my primary care doctor.  They finally called and confirmed it was a new pregnancy, but the numbers looked questionable.  From 25 to 38 over 48 hours.  Not awful, but not great.  So my OB ordered a progesterone test.  That, he promised, would tell me more.  (Namely, is it a normal pregnancy or is it an abnormal or ectopic pregnancy.)

We waited for what felt like an eternity for the results of that test, knowing that I couldn't go home to my village until it was clear this wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.  Finally he called us in.  The test was inconclusive.  My progesterone was high enough it could be a normal pregnancy, but low enough he couldn't rule out ectopic.

I would have to stay. 

Two more days.  

For further testing. 

 We headed reluctantly back to the hotel to change our flights, car rental and hotel reservations.  Instead of going home Saturday as planned, we now wouldn't leave until Monday.  The time between leaving the hospital on Friday night and going back for more blood work Sunday morning was an eternity.

I was devastated to be stuck in Anchorage two more nights, away from my children and husband.  I was devastated to find out that I was indeed pregnant again, only to discover that the pregnancy wasn't progressing as it should have been.  

Somehow we limped through those two days and made it to Sunday morning.  All night we had prayed that the results, whatever they were, would be clear.  The idea of having to stay in Anchorage indefinitely until the pregnancy proved it was either viable or not, felt like torture.  

Sunday morning I gave blood and exactly two agonizing hours later received a call from my OB.  My progesterone had dropped from 14 to 7, and my HCG, which had gotten up to 49 the afternoon I gave blood at the hospital, had dropped to 30.  With both numbers dropping my doctor felt confident that this was not an ectopic pregnancy.  Unfortunately this also showed it not to be a normal, healthy pregnancy.

He assured me it was safe to go home, and that it should pass naturally within a month.

So now, I wait...

***

 In the meantime, I had to get home.

 So yesterday morning we packed our bags,

 headed to Ted Stevens International Airport in Anchorage,

 and said our goodbyes.

The trip was certainly not what we had envisioned (before the first miscarriage and after it!) but I am so grateful she was there, by my side, as I walked through yet another heartbreak.

 I hopped on my plane and got one step closer to my boys.  The flight was quick and painless, except for all the empty time I spent thinking about how I am most likely done having babies.  

~

 When you leave Anchorage it's all snow capped mountains like you saw above.  By the time you reach Bethel, it's all flat, frozen tundra, covered with tiny ice lakes.

It was freezing when I had to climb out of the belly of the plane and onto the tarmac in Bethel.  It was five degrees and COLD!  While I was waiting, I was approached by a person named Simon (who was adorable), whose wife Kristina (Sorry if I spelled your name wrong!) had spotted and recognized me in the Anchorage airport, but didn't want to approach me.  Once she left to go check in for their following flight and he was waiting for their luggage, he asked if I was the Cunningham girl.  I laughed and said yes, and we spoke briefly about how my blog had helped them in preparing for their move from Pennsylvania to bush Alaska.  It's always so fun to randomly meet blog fans (if I can call them that!) and I love to hear that my experience and posts have been helpful to others who are relocating.  

Please, if you ever see me about, no matter what I am doing, or how flustered I may look surrounded by my three energetic children, feel free to say hello.  Tell me you read the blog.  Let me know that you're there, and we should be friends!

 After that fun encounter, I quickly gathered my luggage and booked it over to RAVN to get checked in for the afternoon flight to Marshall.

 After four hours of reading and waiting, our pilot called our flight.  We loaded the plane and I let Josh know I was on my way.

We took off with tears in my eyes.

I was finally going to see my boys.

Seeing Mt. Pilcher and that red barn building at the airport have never made me so happy.

I landed and as soon as my feet hit the ground, I was in Josh's arms. Oh, I was so happy to hug that man of mine!  Then I made my way to the truck where our beautiful boys were waiting.  I hugged Wyatt first, and by the time he peeled me off of him, I was bawling.  Then I hugged Jack and Logan and they were like, "Are you crying happy tears?"  

Yes.
This mama is home.
And she's crying happy tears.

***

Under The Same Moon

Tonight, as I celebrate the new year in Anchorage with Julie, I will take comfort in knowing the boys (Josh included) are under the same moon, albeit a few hundred miles away.

I miss them crazy, and leaving yesterday was so hard for me.  (Flying away from them always feels wrong. So so wrong.)  But they are having a blast with daddy, and I am trying to have fun here in town.  So far we've eaten out, gone to the doctor and this afternoon we plan to see a movie! (My favorite!)

2014 was a hard year for me, and I am ready for 2015 to come, bringing with it new things and a whole lot of hope for the future.

Hugs & kisses from me to you, boys!!!

Happy New Year!

***

{Photo credit: my husband}

Homesick, Heartsick

I've been a touch sad the last couple of days. Crying over nothing, at totally random times.  I'm not sure if it's my hormones, the miscarriage (it's been 8 weeks now) or my being homesick.  This year is the worst for my homesickness.  It's never been this bad.  I miss my people.  I miss my places.  I miss being able to distract myself with running errands and spending time with friends and family.  I miss being able to get the kids out of the house-- going to the zoo, or my mom or sister's-- to enrich their days (and mine!).  I miss picking up an easy meal out after a long day, and the ease of driving myself wherever I need to go (namely the doctor).  I also miss shopping.  And vegetables.

I have a trip to Anchorage coming up. To meet my bestie.  I know it will be a super fun, much-needed break, but along with all my sad emotions, I am feeling really guilty about leaving Josh and the boys.  There's so much I am looking forward to doing while we're there-- eating out, shopping, going to the movies, and catching up with Julie.  But I can't help but feel that niggling sense of guilt about being gone so long.  It feels selfish. 

Josh encourages me to look forward to the trip.  Telling me that it will be a wonderful mini-vacation, that he and the boys will be fine without me, and that he's glad I get this little bit of time away.  He assures me I will come back refreshed, and that it may be hard to say goodbye, but it will make coming home ever-so-sweet.

On this trip I would have been finding out the sex of our sweet little baby. So I think that is making the trip a little bittersweet as well.  New Years would have marked the halfway point of this pregnancy and instead of growing a little one inside me, I have no idea what the future holds.

***

"I know sometimes you cannot breathe deeply,

and the night sky is no home,

and that you are down to your last two percent, 

but

nothing is infinite

not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day,

you are going to find yourself again."

-Finn Butler

Flight: Russian Mission to Marshall

On my trip home from Anchorage back in October, for the first time since I've lived in Marshall, I had to stop in Russian Mission before landing in Marshall.  A few people got off the plane, as did some mail; then a few new people got on the plane and off we went to Marshall.  Here are pictures of our trip.

(The first few are actually from my flight that went from Anchorage to Bethel)

***

Here are the ones I took from the 207 traveling Bethel to Russian, & Russian to Marshall.

{Russian Mission from the air}

{Marshall is just on the other side of that mountain}

{Marshall is just off the river bend to the right}

** home sweet home ***

Life Lately

Coming back home after my trip to Anchorage was a bit nerve wracking. I knew we only had a few days of vacation before Josh would be heading back to work after three weeks at home, and I was nervous my anxiety would rear its ugly head when he returned.  

Thankfully, that has not been the case.  With my medication, counseling, hypnosis track (thank you, Jessica!) my journaling, emailing and texting friends when needed, I have managed to find myself better than I've been in a while.  Also, Josh and I started working out together every morning.  It makes a HUGE difference in how my day starts. We wake up together, before the kids, and exercise. It's a nice chance to talk and spend time together before the kids wake up and all hell breaks loose.

Each day I make all the beds upstairs, plug in "smell goods" (AKA Scentsy plug ins), play happy music and get completely ready for the day (dressed, do my hair, make up and wear jewelry). It's amazing what those little things do for my psyche as I begin each morning.

I have also been making sure I take time to read a novel for pleasure each day.  It was hard at first, but now I look forward to it.  I just finished The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty, and have started The Hypnotist's Love Story, also by Liane Moriarty.  I have a stack of books that I will be blogging about soon that I am excited to get started on.

Aside from focusing on self care (which is obviously really important right now!) I have also been focused on giving back to my family, who has been so amazing at putting up with me.  I find that I missed taking care of Josh-- I missed making him food, welcoming him home, and cooking dinner for our family.  It's so nice to be able to do these things again.

I have also been paying special attention to our boys.  Just a few days away, and I feel like I am seeing them with new eyes. Everything they say is adorable. Everything they think is brilliant.

I love how the twins call wolves "woofs", and they call barking "roofing". 

I love how excited they get when I let them watch grown up TV shows.  We love Alaska shows: The Last Frontier, Gold Rush, Bering Sea Gold, Mountain Men.  We love cooking shows: Chopped, The Pioneer Woman.  We love house shows: Love It or List It, Property brothers (hello, handsome identical twins!).  They particularly love Gold Rush and just this morning they saw a commercial and were like, "Mom! It's a new one! This Friday!!!" So cute!

Wyatt's been sick, just a cold, and I have to say, he has been so good about the nose sucker.  He still can't blow his nose like the older boys can, so I use that before he goes down for naps or bedtime to try and get his nose working.  A few nights ago when I was laying the boys down for bed, Jack told me in a serious voice, "Mom. I made a bad choice. I put water in that thing you use for Wyatt and I drank out of it. I think that's why I'm getting sick." Oh.my.god. I almost threw up. I thought for sure he was talking about the nose sucker (you know, the blue things they send you home from the hospital with?)... Thankfully, he continued on, "You know, the shooter you use for his medicine? There was one in the bathroom and I filled it with water." I breathed a sigh of relief. They were clean, had not been used, just empty medicine shooters. I can only imagine what my face looked like when I thought it was the nose sucker!!!

Logan has started telling Wyatt stories.  They start with "Once upon a time" and usually end with some kind of exciting violence. Often an alien or witch is involved. At the end Wyatt says, "Ooh, Logan! That was a scary story!" all excitedly.

Wyatt likes telling stories now, too. When we're in the rocking chair he'll ask me if he can tell me "one more story?" with his pointer finger up, indicating one.  "Once upon a time there were bad guys on Dora." Or "Once upon a time there was a robot and a witch." That's about it. But his face is so earnest!

The twins love to hug him, kiss his forehead when he's going to bed.  It is so sweet.  And Wyatt is still telling me every night that he's so happy I'm home.  Melts my heart!

Wyatt's prayer the night I came home was this:

Dear God, thank you that mommy's heart is all better. Thank you that she was brave on the airplane. Thank you that she came home to me. Please bless her. Give her blessings. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Seriously, the kid slays me.

When he gives me snuggles at bedtime, he'll ask me, "I'm a sweet boy, am I mom?" I love how he says it, and will be a little sad when he corrects his English.

He always tells me, "You're a nice mom." Or "You're the best mom ever!" I don't know where he got that from, but I don't question it. It feels good to hear!  

And it feels good to be back.

***