My Miracle

 "Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense, everything that comes from love is a miracle."

-Marie Lloyd

 I've been thinking a lot lately about Wyatt, my second born (so to speak), my singleton... This baby, this miracle of mine, is such a blessing to me.  When I found out I was pregnant with him, I wondered what in the world God was thinking. It was a Tuesday morning, October 5th, and my period was almost a week late.  Logan woke me up crying at 5am and I thought, "There's no time like the present," and peed on that stick.

I was really just taking it to confirm that I wasn't pregnant.  There was no way I could be pregnant.  Well, there was a way, but I couldn't imagine that I would be.  We'd been using protection based on the calendar, and I just didn't feel like it was time.  Three weeks earlier I had felt God whispering to me about pregnancy, but knowing Josh was unemployed & I was miserable being a working mommy, I pushed those thoughts aside.

 Then, there on the counter, two pink lines stared up at me expectantly.  My  heart pounded in my ears and I felt suddenly hot in the cold, damp bathroom.  I walked deliberately back to bed, climbed under the blankets & said to Josh, my voice just above a whisper, "Are you awake?"

 "Why?" he asked.  "I have something to tell you," I replied.  I was so nervous. I was never going to be this girl. Me, Shelly, who waited until marriage and planned everything, was never going to have a surprise pregnancy.  Yet there I was, laying next to my husband, my entire body rigid, wondering how I was going to say it.

Josh, God bless him, said, "You're pregnant, aren't you?" Sparing me the agony of choosing words.  "Yes," I said, trembling.  He took me in his arms and said, "This is good news. This is wonderful. We're going to have another baby." He rubbed my already stretch mark covered belly & told me he was delighted to be having another baby with me.

 Time passed and I became more & more sick, certain that this time it was a girl because my symptoms were so different than my twin pregnancy. I was nauseous for 18 weeks, sick through most of my second trimester with a sinus infection & stressed beyond belief about working, Josh's employment status & our finances.  I wondered why on earth God thought another baby was what we needed. We couldn't even afford the two children we had.

"Impossible situations can become possible miracles."

-Robert H. Schuller

But He, in His infinite wisdom, saw what I couldn't. He saw this journey ahead of me.  He saw Josh leaving for Marshall to support us. He saw that this time I wouldn't have to leave the baby. Ever. He saw that I would need something to quell the loneliness Josh's absence would create.  Wyatt is my silver lining. The cloud of Josh leaving is a little easier to take thanks to Wyatt's presence.  He is my constant companion. He comes to bed with me every evening, accompanied me to the movies last night, and joins me in the bathroom for my morning shower.  He also keeps me busy- which stops me from missing Josh too terribly most the time.

 Not only is he a blessing because of Alaska, he is a blessing because of who he is. He is mellow. He is sweet. He is happy. He is easy.  He's perfection.  I can't believe how easy a singleton is.  I can't believe how simple it is to care for him.  It's just so natural. He has needs, and I am able (by myself) to meet them.  With the twins I rarely, if ever, experienced that.  Breastfeeding him is the most beautiful thing ever.  I love that time where he ravenously searches for his meal, finally latching on and settling in to a suckle, swallow, breathe rhythm that lulls me into a dreamy place where all my problems seem a little more manageable.  I feel so amazing- everything he needs to grow & thrive, I am providing.  I hated that I couldn't breast feed with the twins, and am so grateful that my experience with Wyatt has been what it is.  I believe the breastfeeding success has dampened my disappointment over how his birth went.  Despite the fact that I didn't have a VBAC as I had hoped, I feel like more of a mom than ever.  My body knows how to do this.  Those baby thighs are proof.

 I am thankful for this little cherub for so many reasons. For my experiencing a singleton, of course, and for my experience at successful nursing.  But also because every baby that makes it into this world is such a miracle. I have three very close friends who have recently suffered losses- all their hopes & dreams dashed in a moments time when a heartbeat, searched for, was never found.  I can't understand this.  I can't wrap my mind around why it happens for some and not for others.  It's so unfair.  I already had two healthy children.  Two beautiful boys in perfect health. Why did I, who wasn't even trying to get pregnant, have yet another healthy, full term baby boy?  It is a grace from God that is not lost on me.

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."

-Pablo Casals