Around Here: Week 44 2024

 {October 27th-November 2nd}

Carly's drawing of our family on
Golden Mushroom Soup night, a favorite of hers.

Carly & her amazing teacher Mrs. Francisco
How blessed we are by her

Wyatt's x-eyes pumpkin

Carly's crying pumpkin

Green Twix!

Doing... chores per usual on Sunday. I just love how that sets us up for the week with clean bathrooms and bedrooms. A little reset for Monday to start us off on the right foot. 

Visiting... my doctor (who is our whole family's doctor) to see if we can increase my meds since I'm feeling depressed. When I told Josh I hadn't read a book in six weeks, he was like, "What do you need to do? Who do you need to talk to?" so I made an appointment. We increased my Cymbalta from 60mg to 120mg and I am hopeful it will help. 

Receiving... a text from Jack during first period that he was essentially having a panic attack. He said he just couldn't stay there. I texted him through some breathing exercises, but eventually he had to come home. He stayed home the rest of the day and we talked a lot about why school makes him so uncomfortable. He's really struggled this year which wasn't the case in 9th or 10th grade. He's not sure what it is, but he's having a hard time staying in class. 

Subbing... for an hour at the end of the day on Tuesday for my fav kindergarten class and that made me happy. 

Walking... with my sister-in-law and talking about all our life struggles. I am so grateful for her, and for the sunshine and blue skies we had while walking. What a blessing. 

Canceling... my sub job on Wednesday so I could stay home with Jack who couldn't face school. He physically wouldn't get off the couch to go with Logan and Wyatt when they left. I hated to have to cancel, but we have to get Jack well, so he's my priority right now. It's really hard to feel unreliable at work though. 

Proud... of Jack for managing a half day at school on Halloween so that his girlfriend Cadence could come over that night. Then he managed a full day Friday. It was like we slowly built his tolerance back up and I was so relieved when he went and stayed all day. 

Sending... Jack on nightly walks with Josh to help him with stress relief and sleep. I am so grateful that Josh takes him on those walks and that Jack is willing to do what it takes to get better. I'm not sure every teenager would be so good about it. 

Taking... Carly to the Trunk or Treat at her school and freezing our butts off!  I wasn't feeling like myself that night. I didn't get ready for the day- just showed up without my hair or makeup done and I just feel... off... I'm not my normal sunshiny self and I have to force myself to do things that normally I would enjoy. It's really hard. 

Happy... when my Halloween earring order came so Carly and I could wear them this week. It's so fun having her ears pierced.

Finding... that sleep is really the key to Jack's mental health, which is hard because both his ADHD and his depression mess with his sleep. But if he sleeps well, he tends to have a good day whereas if he sleeps poorly, he has a hard day. It helps to make that connection, though, and to know we have to make it a priority.

Joining... Josh as he drove around the neighborhood showing Carly all the Halloween lights. I don't remember Halloween being such a big holiday when I was growing up, but in our area, people go nuts for it, and it's so fun! Orange and purple lights, big skeletons and blow up vampires... it's really cool.

Disagreeing... with Josh on how to handle Jack feeling down and not being able to stay at school. He wants Josh to stay at school and to be punished if he comes home, whereas I think because he's having mental health issues and struggling with depression and what seems to be social anxiety, we should handle him with kid gloves and take a gentler approach. It's been absolutely exhausting to worry about Jack and then have to decide with Josh how we want to handle it as a couple. I know we both want the same for Jack. For him to be successful and healthy. It's just our approach to reaching that goal is wildly different. Josh knows when you grow up, you have to man up and just push through. I know that's what society expects but also want to be the one soft place Jack can land in this world... so it's been really challenging.

Reaching... out to my sister's friend Robin who is a therapist and telling her I am completely out of my depth here. I've never handled teenage depression before. In fact, the only experience I have with teen depression is my mom's friends' son dying of suicide at 16. They're just so impulsive at this age that it feels terrifying to be in charge of keeping them alive when they don't want to be here. 
She suggested we get a 504 started for Jack and said we want to increase his window of tolerance at school (like we have this week- ie go to one period, then two or three, then the whole day). She said, "Avoidance is a monster that grows the more we feed it." I love that. It's sooo true!

Grateful... Josh did pumpkin carving with Wyatt & Carly because I get something called "squash hands" where they turn red and swell up and itch. It first happened when I was shredding zucchini for zucchini bread two years ago, and then happened again when I helped carve pumpkins. So I am off squash duty now. Haha! So random! 
The kids pumpkins were SO cute and creative, and Josh is such a fun dad. Last year he ordered cool battery-operated candles that change colors to put in our pumpkins, and he got this "cookie cutter" kit that you use with a mallet on pumpkins and the kids LOVE it! He's the best.

Driving... Wyatt to Quincy after work on Halloween so he could go trick or treating with his cousins and skip school Friday as a reward for his awesome grades and hard work so far this year. He was so excited to go trick or treating with them. 

Distracting... my brain from terrifying thoughts with lots of Gilmore Girls and word game this week. I just can't shut it off otherwise. 

Enjoying... a break from worrying about Jack when Josh took him with him to drive his mom to the airport in Spokane. I had no idea how much every phone call or text alert was triggering me until I knew Jack was safe with Josh and I could really relax that day. What a blessing.

Feeling... weak with gratitude when my sister showed up at my house Saturday to bring Wyatt home and have a play date together. She knew I was struggling and had a lot on my plate, so she loaded up her FIVE kids and came to us to bring a little fun and keep me from having to go anywhere. I was so thankful and we had the best day! I love you Roxanne. Thanks for showing up BIG for me when I need it most. 

Heartbroken... when Jack messaged me saying, "Sorry I'm hard". I told him "You aren't hard. Depression is hard." 

Dealing... with Carly's ADHD brain at bedtime. I am in her room, it's dark, we have music on and she's snuggled in, eyes closed, when suddenly her eyes pop open and she says, "You have five holes in your skull," mumbling counting to herself, "Yeah. Five." 
Another night she was almost asleep and she opened her eyes and asked, "Do you know anyone without arms?" 
Like where is she coming up with this stuff?!? Just go to sleep girlfriend!!!

Suffering... insomnia. I imagine it's a mix of my own depression and stress that's contributing to it, but it's not something I've ever experienced before. It is so frustrating! My brain is just suddenly ON and no matter what I do, I cannot calm it down enough to drift off to sleep. I am hopeful with time it will improve. 

Ordering... a new winter coat and boots for Carly who shot up like a weed! Her boots don't fit at all, and her winter coat comes to the middle of her forearms! 

Trading... Carly the candy she can't have (braces & an expander limit the candy you can partake in!) for green Twix I found at Walmart. It tastes the same as regular Twix, but looks a little funny!

Loving... the Barbie that Carly set up at the "beach" (her play sand) with a bag, headphones and a book. "It's you, mom," she told me. Haha! I love it! And also, I wish!!!

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{sent to Jack}

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