10.23.2013

Hard Ground

 Sometimes, usually while washing dishes for the third time in a day after baking four loaves of bread & spending an hour flipping tortillas, I find myself thinking, "What am I doing out here?"

I find myself daydreaming taking a drive back home in Washington.  I imagine loading up my car (i love my car) and going on a trip to visit my grandparents.  I imagine sneaking off with Josh to the movies while my mom watches the kids for us.  I imagine the boys and I at the Oregon Zoo, the damp cold seeping into our bones while we soak in the green of trees & foliage that surround every exhibit.

But the truth is, we aren't going back.
(Aside from summer vacation, of course!)
Alaska is our home now. 

*

It scares me to not know for certain what the future holds. I am one of a few people who was totally comfortable with the cookie-cutter life I had mapped out since forever, including getting married, having children, buying a house and someday dying in Vancouver, the place I was born.  But God had different plans for me.

"Do not go where the path may lead;
go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And so it is that I find myself and my three children in the middle of nowhere along the Yukon River, following where my husband's career may lead.

10.22.2013

Weekend Update + What Makes Me Happy

Weekend Update:

It was a great & productive weekend, and I was happy for that yesterday morning when I woke up. My to-do list is organized into days & my menus (snacks, lunches & dinners) are scheduled for the week.  I have also made sure we have our "One Fun Thing" planned each day as well as some other supplemental school activities.  I wrote these into our days in an effort to minimize the boys' screen time.

*

PEACEFUL PARENTING: 
Peaceful parenting is going great.  I have had three no-yelling days in a row (a record, thus far!) and I can see the boys responding to each other differently because of it.

Yesterday Jack chose to share with Logan and when I asked him why, he said he remembered how he felt when Logan wouldn't share, and knew that if he shared with Logan now that later in the day his brother would be more likely to share with him.

*

BEDTIME:
Going to bed at 9pm has officially become habit, and I am so pleased. I don't even fight with myself over it. I just climb the stairs, knowing that I get to crawl into that oh-so-cozy bed, read for a while, get plenty of sleep and wake up ready for whatever the day holds.

*


HOMESCHOOLING: 
School with the boys is going beautifully.  We are 30 lessons into our 100 Lessons book, and it's amazing what they are reading & learning each day.  The reading has gotten a lot easier.  The first ten lessons or so had a huge learning curve and took each boy a long time to complete.  The lessons are now comfortable for us, and things are running smooth, thankfully.

We are working our way into our math curriculum, and I am anxious for the "real" work to begin. Right now it's mostly review (numbers, counting, ordering) but Jack's excited to start working on addition and subtraction.

Last night he did his own word problem at bedtime. "Mom, we started with five days this week. But we already did one, so now we only have four!"

*
ORGANIZATION:
At the end of last week, I took on the humongous task of switching the boys' upstairs bedroom closet with the downstairs playroom closet.  I knew it would be a complete pain, but I am happy to report that less than a week later, it's complete, and I am so glad I did it.

We started out storing old clothes (baby sizes for some future Babyham & big boy sizes for Wyatt to grow into) and our holiday decorating Rubbermaid totes in the playroom closet simply because it was empty.  Soon the closet filled nearly to the brim.  

Meanwhile, the boys' toy collection was also growing, making it necessary for me to trade out bins of toys to keep the playroom maintainable.  And so it happened that every few weeks I was toting bins upstairs and lugging different bins downstairs and the whole thing was quite undesirable.  So much so that even though I knew switching bins would buy me a day of peaceful child play, I wouldn't do it because I dreaded how much work it was.

So I finally made the switch, sorting through every single item in each closet to be sure it warranted space in our house, and then labeling and moving each tote into its appropriate place.  

The boys are thrilled to have easier access to their toys, and I am content to know that every thing taking up precious space is worthy.

*

What Makes Me Happy:

* Writing in my journal
Oh how that thing can relieve me of all that's on my mind.

* I have twins
I sometimes forget this little fact. I am so busy raising them (feeding them, teaching them, meeting their needs) that I have to be reminded of their twinness.  Pictures like this, with their bodies close together, or their clothes matching, or their faces holding the same expression remind me how lucky I am to be their mom.

* October
I just love the coziness that it brings.  Dark grey clouds outside, warm delicious candles burning inside.  Rain & wind & cold weather pounding against the windows while we enjoy pumpkin muffins fresh out of the oven.

The only bummer is we don't get to go to the pumpkin patch. Luckily we got the hook ups from our care package senders and there are pumpkins aplenty at the Cunningham's this year.  Wyatt's Little Bear had an impromptu photo shoot with some of them yesterday during snack time.  Lucky little guy.

* Snow on the mountain
It's coming. The snow.  Today I saw it on the mountain out my front window.  Meanwhile, I am enjoying the last of the fall colors.

* Simplicity
Joy for kids in Marshall? A huge puddle. That's it. That's all it takes. You should have heard the shouts and laughter as we headed to the park yesterday.

I find I need to be reminded that joy can be found in such beautifully simple things.  A hot cup of coffee, brothers reading to each other, a text message from my husband.  It's the little things that brighten my days.

* Boys being boys
The second we step out our front door, the twins begin begging to take off their big coats.  Yesterday it was 35 degrees outside, with a pretty strong wind. And yet.

"Mom, please. Mom can I take it off now? Mom, it's fine! Come on!" sigh.  Of course I relent and let them take them off.  I can tell they feel so cool running around in the freezing weather wearing nothing other than their Captain America sweatshirts.

Boys.  {...shaking my head with a smile on my face...}

* My companion
Wyatt walks alongside me (in Logan's old snow coat) and says, "I'm walking careful, mom."  And last night as I tucked him in bed, singing him the same old songs in our rocking chair, he whispered to me, "Can we hold hands mom?" as he took my pointer finger into his doughy pink fingers and squeezed it.  I managed to squeak out a "yes" under my tears, and he said, "That made you happy, mommy?"  I am cherishing everything about this guy lately.

* Light
It's getting darker.  Both outside my house and inside it.  Thankfully Josh knows how much bad light bothers me, so tonight he stopped doing homework to help me replace the bulbs in the living room.  Unfortunately, there's nothing either of us can do about the light outside.  It's a slow progression toward darkness from now until December 21st.  Today the sun rose at 9:49am, and it will set at 7:14pm.

I was happy to get the kids outside in the sunlight today.  And I will continue taking advantage of good weather to soak up some rays for as long as it lasts.  And when we can't get out anymore, at least I know we'll have great lighting inside!

* Inventions
The twins are big into inventions lately. This invention (tying their keys on a string) was to prevent them from being stolen.  Other inventions have graced the walls of my dining room (paper kites, Frankensteins & cars) as well as the playroom.  In addition to physical inventions, they have taken to drawing new creations in their daily school journals.  Those are really fun to see, too.

* Kids under foot
There are certain things in my life that I have craved without knowing.  One is falling asleep with Josh's hand over my shoulder.  I never knew that I fell asleep missing that, until I had it. Another is cooking in the kitchen while all three of my children are in there.  Last night as I made macaroni & cheese and hot dogs for dinner (super gourmet, I know!) all three boys poured through Wyatt's toy box, playing with the stacking cups, Mr. Potato Head, and the baby toy camera in turn on the floor behind me.  It made the house feel alive, and gave me a peaceful feeling of wholeness.

***

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, 
the entire evening sky would be held in the palm of my hand."

The other morning the twins were up early and they wanted to go out and see the stars. So even though we were all in our pajamas, we bundled up and headed out.  There we stood, three in a row, looking up to the heavens, pointing out our favorite, brightest stars, breathing in the cold morning air, surrounded by dark stillness.  Since that morning, this quote has held new magic for me.

Truly, those boys, those amazing gifts from God, have given me more joy and more smiles than I can even fathom.  I really would hold the sky, in its entirety, in my hands.

10.21.2013

Do something!

 Last week on Thursday, Josh decided to stay home & take care of me.  My migraine had me in tears before my shower, and the medicine, while amazing, made me feel worse for a long time before it made me feel better.  So he went to the school for a short time to make lesson plans and once he got back he sent me to bed for some much needed rest.

I stayed in bed until just before lunch.  At first, I read for a little bit. Then I felt the center drop out of my stomach as the anxiety began to creep in.  Whenever I am sick in bed, I feel a heavy sadness, like cold sand burying me, making me feel claustrophobic & alone.  Then I started freaking out that I had taken expired medicine and googled "Can you die from taking old Imitrex?" before convincing myself that a little rest would put my anxiety to sleep better than WebMD could, and I forced myself to lay my phone down and close my eyes.

I awoke two hours later feeling quite refreshed and emotionally full.  I was so grateful that Josh had stayed home to take care of me.  He had done school with the twins, and played with them & Wyatt afterwards.  It was a much needed family day, and by the time I laid Wyatt down for his nap, my headache was fully gone.

*

I have begun to recognize now situations where my anxiety is likely to show up.  

Sick in bed? Make room, cause the anxiety's coming over. Invited or not.  
Kids have a random illness symptom?  Take a deep breath, cause here comes the freak-out.  
Giant to-do list without enough time/energy to get it done? Get ready for a meltdown.

Knowing when it's going to entangle me gives me the upper hand, 
so I am thankful to know what some of my triggers are.  

*

Yesterday I knew Josh was going to spend the majority of the afternoon at the school working in his classroom and meeting with some classmates for his masters program. I had quite the to-do list I wanted to accomplish in his absence, and was suffering (again) from a massive headache.  Not quite a migraine, but just on the edge.

I was standing in the kitchen, deciding what to do, 
leaning towards laying on the couch reading,
when I read the scripture I have above the sink:

"She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.  
When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.  
She carefully watches everything in her household, and suffers nothing from laziness."
-Proverbs 31:25-27

And then I knew.  I had to do something.

I started with tortillas, making two batches, one for the fridge and one for the freezer. Then I did a load of laundry & ordered Wyatt's new snow mittens.  Followed by a double batch of pumpkin muffins (thanks Erika! It's still my favorite recipe!) which I split in half, freezing two dozen for later use.  Then I cleaned the entire downstairs and planned my menu for the week.

Between all the chores, I played with the kids, letting them help where they could, and tried to enjoy the jobs I was accomplishing.  I went to bed last night with zero anxiety, looking forward to the wonderful week I had planned & prepared for.

I hope to remember this sweet little lesson. That when life feels overwhelming, instead of shutting down, I just need to start somewhere, do something.  

That always feels better (and more empowering) than doing nothing.

*

10.17.2013

Gorgeous Stream of Consciousness

I woke up this morning with a migraine.  And I didn't have a post planned. So I decided to post these gorgeous pictures from earlier in the summer, and do a little stream of consciousness.

Peaceful parenting went really well over the weekend. And Monday. Tuesday & yesterday, not so much. I struggle during reading with the kids (yelling at the kids who interrupt me, not the one reading!) and I struggle when I am trying to accomplish anything other than the kids or household chores. (Namely, if I am online, on the phone or working on a project.)  

I am hoping now that I know, I can work on it.

My kids haven't been sleeping. They've been up in the fours for about two weeks now. Not always all three, but at least one of them.  Today they all slept until 6am. I was so excited, but then I had a migraine, so my excitement drained away.  Thankfully I have medicine. It makes me even more miserable for about an hour, but then the symptoms are all gone. So right now it's a waiting game.

I am hopeful that the kids (now that they are well-- no more colds or ear infections) will start sleeping through to morning. Or at least to the fives. Being up in the fours is just wrong!

I am currently reading One Thousand White Women: The journal of May Dodd by Jim Fergus. It's historical non-fiction, and is so fascinating. 

I have decided to take scrapbooking off my October to-do list. I had too much weighing on me, and feel that simplifying is in my better interest. So I am spending my spare time reading or journaling.  The scrapbooks aren't going anywhere. My hope is that I will be able to work on them while Josh is home for Christmas break with us for three weeks.

Well, I am off to take a shower. 
Here's hoping this migraine goes away quickly!

10.16.2013

Ferris & Milo

October is my nephews' birthday month. One was born on the 2nd and one on the 30th.  So I am meeting them in the middle with a sweet-boy-celebration on the 16th.

This year, in honor of their big days, I would like to share the life lessons they've taught me.

*

Starting with Ferris

*Be who you are

even if it means taking your time doing something that everyone is pressuring you to do
(like, ahem, riding a bike)

*Never turn down a smore

this, I'm certain, he learned from his mother
it's an oldie but a goodie

*

And now for Milo

*Find joy

lay in a mud bath at camping
& smile because it's a day you are alive

*Make the best of every situation

when life throws you lemons (or puts you in a wash basin for a bath) roll with it
splash around & giggle a little
before you know those hard times will be over, and you'll feel warm cozy (& clean!) all over again


*

Ferris & Milo,

this is My Wish for you

{by Rascal Flatts}

I hope the days come easy & the moments pass slow
and each road leads you where you wanna go
and if you're faced with the choice & you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things, too
Yeah this, is my wish

I hope you never look back, but you never forget
all the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get

I hope you find God's grace in every  mistake
And always give more than you take
but more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things, too

***

Love,

Aunt Shelly

10.15.2013

Wyatt

It's been a while since posted anything about just Wyatt, so I thought today, which marks 28 months he's been on the planet, that I'd sort through some fun pics of our sweet little singleton and give him the spotlight for a minute.

This first picture is from when we first got here.
He's all tan and chubby.
I miss his tan little arms.

And this picture is actually from the summer.
He was going on a playdate at my sister's house.
He insisted on wearing his backpack.
The outfit he's wearing was my favorite.

And when he got home that afternoon, he mowed the lawn with daddy.

This one is one of my favorites. It's quintessential Wyatt. He is very meticulous and focused. He loves the challenge of stacking cars or trains and making "car carriers" as he calls them.  I think it tickles me that he does this because my nephew Ferris is the same way, and I feel connected to my sister when I see attributes of her son in my son.

Ferris also does "set ups", which is another thing that Wyatt started doing when we got here. 
Like how he parked all these animals in a row under his high chair.

I was talking to Josh yesterday about how different Wyatt is than his brothers.  I was talking specifically about his shape. He still looks like such a baby.  At two the twins looked like big kids.

They were also much more sure of their bodies & physicality, whereas Wyatt is more cautious physically.

I love comparing him with them, and vice versa. It fascinates me. They prove the adage that you are born who you are.  The twins came out ready to go-go-go!  Wyatt was born content.

*

When I am getting frustrated, I tend to take a deep breath. Wyatt will notice and say, "You breathe, mom?"  Or when I make a mess and mumble "Grrr" he will ask me, "Why you say Grr, mom?"

He is God's gift to me.  He has made me the mom I am today.  With him I became a breastfeeding, attachment-parenting, baby-wearing stay-at-home mom.  And I couldn't be happier.

For a time after we got here, he would walk over and ask me if he could give me a hug.  It was so heartwarming.  He gives me the best snuggles, laying his little head on my shoulder. And he loves when I kiss him, but he always says to give "little" kisses. He doesn't like big smacky ones!

I still rock him to sleep at both nap time and bed time.  This is such a sacred time for me.  I think I am especially appreciative of it because I  missed this time with the twins.  I missed it at nap time because I was working, and I missed it at bed time because, well, there were two of them, and rocking never really worked out that great.  

In the rocking chair we pray & we sing. And often, we both fall asleep.

That room is my sanctuary.  It is where I meditate, where I can gather my thoughts in the quiet and reflect on my days.  I am so grateful for it.

Wyatt is also really fun when he's awake.  "You play with me, mom?" he always asks.  
Then he'll go get us each a train, or bring out a puzzle to do.

But his absolute favorite activity is reading.  After I read one book he will ask, "Get another book???" And when I nod my head, he gives me this smile that is just... priceless.  

Full joy.

When I ask Wyatt if he's poopy, he'll tell me, "I not poopy. I fresh." 
And if I disagree he will argue, "Yes I are!"

The twins had, at 28 months, been working on potty training for over eight weeks. We are not there with Wyatt. I have no idea when we will be there.  I am in no hurry. That is something I noticing the second time around. I am in less of a rush. Wyatt crawled & walked incredibly late.  I wasn't worried. We did extended breastfeeding, quitting just before he hit eighteen months, and I loved every minute of it.  I didn't start him on solid foods until he was over eight months old. With the twins I was in such a daggone hurry!  It's nice to feel less frantic now.

Wyatt adores his big brothers.  And they love him. The twins fight over who gets "special time" with Wyatt.  They like to read to him, play hide & seek with him and do puzzles with him.  Their all time favorite is to snuggle with him, either at bedtime or while they watch a show.

In the mornings they love to watch Paw Patrol & Team Umi Zoomi together.  During bedtime prayer Wyatt is often grateful for Bot, Millie & Geo, the characters in Umi Zoomi. His big brothers are often thankful for him.

*

This is the shirt I ordered for him from Carter's. I love it.
When I ask him, "What's your shirt say?"
He'll answer, "It says Genius."
And when I ask, "What does that mean?"
He says, "It means my smart."

And he is. He is such a smart boy. He remembers details, can recite things he's only heard a handful of times, and has great attention for detail. Today he wanted to find his Mater and he kept saying, "Let's stop and sink." Over and over I tried to figure out what he was saying, but I couldn't. Finally I said, "Let's stop and THINK?" And he smiled and said yes.

He was looking at a train book the other day & one of the pictures has a Burlington Northern/Santa Fe railroad train in it, and looks like it's going through Montana.  We saw a lot of trains during our road trip this summer, and somehow he remembered. Because when he opened to that page, he goes, "It's like our train in Montana, mom!"

Aside from being smart, I think he's quite adorable.  The kids at the park all love him as well. It's funny though, because they aren't used to seeing children with light eyes. Many of the younger children will ask, "Is he wearing contacts?" and I have to assure them that he was born with blue eyes.  It's so cute.

Another time we were on the playground, one of the kids asked, "Why does he love you so much?"  He tends to like to stay close to me, and prefers that only I pick him up.  I was touched by her question and told her that he likes me because we spend so much time together.  But it stuck with me. And it made me feel so good.  I love that I am someone he's attached to and comfortable with. I love that when he is hurt or sad, I am the one he wants. I am grateful that I get to be his everything for this short while.  Being his mom is one my greatest joys.

And watching how he has changed our family-- how in love Josh is with him, how much the twins have benefitted from being big brothers, learning empathy & caretaking-- warms my heart.  He is how I know God has a plan for my life.  When I found out I was expecting, I had no idea the joy he would bring.  Now I get the pleasure of not only being his mom, but of being a stay-at-home mom, enjoying with him the things I missed out on the first time around.  What a blessing.

"There is an enduring tenderness 
in the love of a mother to a son 
that transcends all other affections of the heart."
-Washington Irving