Thoughts on Motherhood

My Mother's Day gift was a break from mothering.
Well, mostly. ;)

Josh took the three boys to Vancouver to see his mom over the weekend, which left me with only Carly for three glorious days.  At first we weren't sure Wyatt was going to be able to join him, but after his appointment Friday morning confirmed that his lungs were clear and his oxygen levels were good, we both felt comfortable with him going.  (Plus, Josh's truck has a plug in, so Wyatt could nebulize on the go if need be.)
And let's be honest, I needed the break. Desperately.

Friday afternoon I gathered up the kids, met Josh at work, and sent them off on a road trip to Grandma's.  Then the fun began for Carly and I.  I rented a movie from Redbox, made myself some egg rolls, put pajamas on before 7 and was in bed by 8:30pm. 
Sleep was the priority this weekend, followed closely by having fun and cleaning house.  Both nights I went to bed early, slept as much as possible, more than eight hours both nights, and felt great because of it.  Saturday was my day for fun.  I woke up and worked out, then watched another movie, blogged, gave Carly a bath and told her I wanted to paint her toenails. She was so excited, it was adorable. I told her she could choose a color and she immediately said pink.  When she was out of the tub, true to her word, she chose the pinkest pink I have, and I painted it on her toes.  All day when she would notice the, she would tell me how cute they are.
While I was painting her toes, I thought to myself, "This is my Mother's Day gift. Her. Being with her. Being her mother. She is my gift."  I am so grateful God knew to save her for last.  I know I wouldn't cherish her the way I do if I hadn't had three boys first. But since I did, I do. And I know what a gift she is.
Saturday night I made us pizza and after Carly went to bed I took a bath and did a face mask.  Then I meditated and went to bed.
I woke up today, on Mother's Day, rejuvenated and ready to give back to my family.  I woke up naturally at 6:00am, so I got right to work organizing and cleaning our house that has been sorely neglected since Wyatt first got sick over a month ago.  It felt so good to be back in my element, taking care of our home. 
Carly slept until 8:00am, so I got a lot done. It was awesome.  Once she was up, she played and I just kept on working. I vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned, organized and did laundry.  I changed sheets, put in new smell goods, bleached around the toilets, clorox wiped the light switches and dusted every surface in the house. The house looks great and I feel amazing.

I feel blessed to be (finally) feeling better both physically (the cold I had the last two weeks is finally gone!) and emotionally (my anxiety seems to have lessened), and I really had some time over the last three days, especially because it's Mother's Day weekend, to consider how motherhood is my calling.  While it is exhausting taking care of Wyatt and Logan with their medical issues, there is literally nowhere else I would rather be.  Having that thought this weekend changed my mental attitude about it. I know this is where God wants me.  He gave me these children because he trusts me to care for them.  I was made to be these four children's mother.  And He will continue to see me through the hard days. 

Another thought I had this weekend that made me really excited was about the two babies I lost.  Someday I am going to get to meet them. Two more children that I haven't met yet. A little boy or girl, like Logan or Carly, or Jack or Wyatt, that was made of love, exists in heaven, just waiting for me to meet them.  And that's a pretty sweet thought on this Mother's Day. 

What I love the most about this weekend is that all my friends who heard about my weekend off gave me no shame.  They were all so happy for me, proud of me for taking time off, for asking for what I needed, for taking a break before I reached the end of my rope.  They recognized that I was struggling, drowning, and applauded me for my self care.  They didn't make me feel like a bad mom for having needs.  They assured me I was normal, and that my husband was capable.  My sister texted me that she'd trust my husband with every single one of her kids. Another girlfriend said she'd love a weekend off and that I was smart to take this time to regroup after all we've been through the last two months.  What a blessing to have those kind of friends around me.

As I close out this last day of just me & Carly, I feel so blessed to have a husband who supports me, who is capable of caring for our children just as well as I can; to have four beautiful children who call me mom; to have twin sons, a single son, and a beautiful daughter to call my own; and for the village that surrounds us and makes this parenting journey easier when the road gets rough.

Happy Mother's Day

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Around Here: Week 19 {2018}

 Loving... my husband.  We had date night last Friday night, which he made pizza for (it was delicious) and we watch Dodgeball, cause I could use a laugh, and when I was done eating and curled up on the couch, about ready to fall asleep, he turned off the TV and walked me to bed, even though it was barely 9:00.  He's a good husband like that.  He knew it had been a long week and I needed rest.

Teaching... Wyatt & Jack what Logan's new seizures look like after they unknowingly witnessed one last weekend on the trampoline.  His old seizures (grand mals) were big, fall-down-on-the-ground, easy to recognize, whereas his new ones are different.  He stands still, eyes open, and often the only clue that he's having one is that he makes repetitive noises with his mouth (clicking, smacking, breathing heavy or panting).  Afterward he complains of a headache.  I hate that this is his new normal, but for the time being, it is.  We are half way through a twelve week titration schedule getting him onto a new medication that should stop both the big and small seizures, but in the meantime, he's at risk.  It's a waiting game.

Making... the most of our weekend.  We played outside a lot!  I also meal planned and grocery shopped, gave the boys summer haircuts, plus got the house cleaned.  Then on Sunday my sister and her crew came over so I could take six month pictures of her daughter.  (Isn't she adorable?!?)

Keeping... Logan home Monday for what I thought was sickness, but later I figured out was probably another seizure.  He complained about how tired he was and he fell asleep in my bed for two hours Monday morning, but the rest of the day he was completely fine.  I think he must have had one while getting ready for the day.

Worrying... as Wyatt became sick again Monday night, coughing and needing treatments.  We got him a same-day appointment Tuesday and the doctor put him on steroids again, this time with a 3 day taper (3 days at 10ml's, 3 days at 8ml's, 3 days at 6ml's, 3 days at 4ml's, 3 days at 2ml's and 2ml's every other day for three days) instead of a two day taper. I am hopeful it will work.  He'd only been off the previous steroids for four days.  He ended up missing school the rest of the week, and missing his only baseball game this week.

Letting... Josh take over some of Wyatt's care Wednesday night when the advice nurse said he needed to go to the ER because of his coughing and how often he was requiring albuterol treatments in the nebulizer.  Josh let me stay home and sleep, knowing how exhausted I am from Wyatt's constant care, and I'll be honest, those few hours of sleep while Wyatt was at the hospital are the best I've had in a long time. Because I knew Wyatt was in really good hands.
The ER doctor said maybe we are dealing with some seasonal allergies.  Wyatt's lungs sounded clear and his oxygen is good, but there is so much congestion, it's leading to a LOT of coughing and some bad peak flow numbers.  So he suggested we get Wyatt on some Claritin and follow up with allergy testing with the pulmonologist.
We got a last-minute canceled appointment assigned to Wyatt, but then found out that during an asthma flare up, he's not a candidate for allergy testing, so we had to cancel the appointment and the next appointment isn't until August 23rd. I am frustrated to say the least.

Missing... MOPS again because Wyatt was sick this week.  It's so hard to miss out on that time with my mom friends when I need it most because of sick kids.

Thankful, grateful, humble and blessed... by those around us who have offered love & support in a myriad of ways this week as I have struggled in taking care of Wyatt & our whole family.  Steve for helping with the twins at their game when Josh and I couldn't attend.  Megan for making us dinner Thursday night.  Amanda and all my MOPS Table #4 mama's who put together the most thoughtful care package- it made me feel so loved & buoyed up.  Shana for bringing flowers & prayers Friday night.  Kara for watching Carly & Wyatt so I could see my counselor.

And lastly, whoever it is that sent me two mystery Amazon packages- one with pens (you know my very heart, and I love them!) and one with the cutest black shirt {ALL DAY. EVERYDAY. #momlife} I love it so much. You made my day today!!!

And I can't say thank you without mentioning the people who are my lifelines daily-- my mom, my sister, and Josh's mom and sister.  Those four ladies are the ones I reach out to when life is really hard, and they've been there for me so consistently.  It means so much to have them in my life, there for me, rooting for me, loving my kids as much as me, and praying when things get hard. I love you all.

Giving... Jack a spelling pretest every day this week because his spelling test was so stinking hard!  There were two words I had to look up because I didn't know the meaning (and I have a bachelor's degree!!!) For the record, the words were "elodea" and "hydroponics".  I can't wait to see how he did on the test!

Enjoying... watching Josh and the boys put in our garden.  Josh takes full responsibility for our garden (I have no green thumbs) and I know he gets that from his parents, particularly his mama.  She is an amazing gardener.  So he comes by it naturally.  Plus he knows how much joy Wyatt gets from growing a garden.  So he came home Thursday night this week with a bunch of plants to put in- corn, peppers, watermelon, tomatoes, cucumbers... and he had Wyatt help him dig holes.  Wyatt was so happy to help.

Taking... Wyatt back to the doctor again Friday when things still weren't getting better.  I was relieved to hear from her that his lungs and oxygen are good and that she agrees with the ER doctor that allergies are the likely culprit for his coughing.  (It's frustrating for me because Wyatt doesn't wheeze when he's having asthma. He coughs.  So when he coughs I don't know if that means he's having asthma or if he's just coughing. Super scary for this mama.)  She suggested we add Flonase (a nasal spray) to our allergy arsenal and see if that helps.  It instantly did, and I am so relieved to report that he is already doing a lot better!

Meeting... with my counselor again this week.  We've been meeting every other week, and that seems to be working well.  I was tempted to cancel this week because Wyatt was sick, but my sweet friend Kara said to just leave him with her (her son has Reactive Airway too, and she knows all about asthma) since she was watching Carly anyway, and I was so grateful.  So I went to my appointment, knowing that self care was really important.
We talked about making the best of this life I'm living.  I can't control Logan's seizures, or Wyatt's asthma.  But I can choose to live in joy regardless of how they're doing.  So trying to find moments of joy.  We also talked about letting go, bit by bit, and accepting help.  I am working really hard on that.  I took a couple big steps this week- letting Josh take Wyatt to the ER, having my friend watch Wyatt for me, and letting my friend bring us dinner.  It is hard and humbling to need help. To say, "I can't do this alone", to be so vulnerable... but the truth is, I can't.  So it's important to be honest about that and accept help.  I'd much rather be the one helping than be the one needing help.  But I'm not currently in that position.

Sending... the three boys to Vancouver with Josh as a Mother's Day gift to myself (and my sanity, literally) to enjoy a quiet weekend rejuvenating with only Carly to care for.  Last night we watched a movie and ate egg rolls and I was in bed by 8:30pm.  For the rest of the weekend I plan to mix self care and relaxation with getting things done so that I can start next week feeling a little more like my old self.  Sleep is the top priority, followed closely by having some fun and cleaning the house. ;)

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Around Here: Week 18 {2018}

Do you spy those big boys riding off to school?

Photo of my favorite ring by Carly ;)

New roof, new fence, now she just needs a paint job! 

Sending... Wyatt back to school (finally!) after missing nearly two weeks for this last bout of asthma following a terrible cold.  He was so happy to be back in class.  I am so glad he loves school.  But boy did Carly and I miss him when he went back!

Gushing... with pride for Wyatt as he rode to school (and home again too) with his big brothers three times this week when I was sick.  Suddenly he is such a big boy with a strong desire for independence and I couldn't be happier about it. 

Watching... Jack and Logan and Wyatt play baseball.  I love watching them so much.  I especially love watching the twins since Josh is their assistant coach.  Seeing them work together with their dad makes my heart happy.  And Jack's been doing an amazing job pitching.  He's got such a strong arm!

Counting... down the days to summer with Wyatt's classroom.  They're using the alphabet, and the first day was stuffed Animals, so Wyatt got to bring his bear to school with him.  He was so excited!

Enjoying... the new (to us) beanbag that Josh's sister Laura gave us.  The kids adore that thing. They are reading in it, cuddling with the cats in it, watching TV in it, and the other day I came out to find Josh and Carly snuggled up on it.  So fun!

Loving... the white picket fence Josh completed last weekend for the front and side yard.  It was a childhood dream of mine to have a white picket fence.  It is so adorable and has increased our curb appeal tenfold.  With the new roof and the new fence, all that's left to do is paint.  I can't wait!

Suffering... with my anxiety (still...) in addition to the worst cold I've had in years.  So it's been a week of self care (read: naps and rest) and doing the bare minimum in hopes of getting better.  If I hadn't been sick (runny nose, sore throat, cough) I think my anxiety would be on an upswing, so I am hopeful next week I will see a big improvement.  I upped my prozac from 20mg to 40mg, so that should help as well.  And I did notice a big difference in how much I was thinking about health anxiety- it was a lot less this week!  So things are moving in the right direction.

Reading... nothing.  I know that my anxiety is high when I can't get into a book.  I haven't read (or listened to) anything lately.  Hoping to change that soon.

Watching... Teen Mom 2 instead of reading.  It's my guilty pleasure. ;)

Rejoicing... that my Grandpa Jerry's bladder cancer wasn't as bad as the doctor originally thought and he won't have to seek any kind of intensive treatment.  It's a huge answer to prayer and a big weight lifted off my mind.  We've been praying for months for it.  What a miracle. 

"Happiness is the joy we feel 

as we strive toward our potential."

-Shawn Achor

Recognizing... three huge things I am doing that I wasn't giving myself appropriate credit for. 

One is clean eating- I am avoiding sugar and highly processed foods for both myself and our family, which is so awesome, and such a change from last year.  As a family, we have lost 76 pounds since January.  We are reducing our kids' risks for diabetes and increasing their health simply by reducing the amount of sugar they are intaking at home.  I am hoping to write a post about some of the simple changes we have made that have made a huge a difference very soon.

The other is that I have not been yelling at the kids or swearing, for basically all of April and May so far.  I've spent years (literally since 2013, I think) trying to give up yelling and swearing.  And now that I've done it, I haven't given myself any credit for the effort that went into quitting, I just jumped right into the next thing I want to work on. Why do we do that to ourselves?

And lastly, I am meditating and it's having a big impact on how I feel inside my own skin.  I meditated everyday this week using the Calm app (I highly recommend it!) and twice when I started to panic, I reminded myself to breathe and was able to talk myself down. Huge progress!

So I want to remind you, fellow mama's to take a minute and look at what you've done! Tell yourself you're awesome!  Celebrate what you've accomplished.  You deserve the recognition.

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Around Here: Week 17 {2018}

Worrying... over Wyatt as he continued with an asthma flare up following a cold.  His peak flow numbers dipped and rose, dipped and rose, my worry rising and falling with each set of numbers. 

Missing... the baseball parade Saturday and a coffee date and countless baseball games and MOPS and more school days for Wyatt than I can count because of his sickness.  We spent lots of time snuggled up together on the couch, reading and watching TV, him doing breathing treatments with the nebulizer and trying so hard to get better.

Taking... him to the emergency room Tuesday night when his numbers dropped 40 points in a little over an hour at bedtime.  He told me it felt like his throat was closing and we did his peak flow, only to discover what had been a 215 was now a 175.  I called the advice nurse and she had me count his breaths (something I often do to see how he is doing while he sleeps) and while he usually falls within normal ranges (12-20 breaths per minute) he was breathing 36 breaths per minute.  So off we went to the ER.  We had finished the steroids from his doctor the day before, and it turns out some kids need a slow taper from steroids and Wyatt is one of those.

In the ER they gave him a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia cause he was wheezing and sounded a bit crackly on the left.  Luckily his x-ray was clear.  They also gave him a nebulizer treatment and a prescription for more steroids with an incredibly slow taper: 10ml's 2x a day for 2 days, 8ml's 2x a day for 2 days, 6 ml's 2x a day for 2 days, 4 ml's 2x a day for 2 days and finally 2 ml's 2x a day for 2 days.  We then followed up with Wyatt's doctor the next morning to make sure his vitals (mainly his oxygen and his lungs) were better (they were), and we scheduled another follow up for closer to the end of his taper next week.

Thankfully by the end of this week he is better, with less coughing and good peak flow numbers, but it's hard for me to rest, knowing how quickly things can turn bad again, and also knowing that things can get worse when he ends the steroids again.  Hopefully the taper will make the difference!

Emotionally... feeling like total garbage.  Anxiety is such a roller coaster.  I woke up most days this week feeling like I'd been in a car accident. Shaking, with adrenaline pumping through my veins, like my arms wanted to levitate into the air.  My reaction to everything feels like it's under a magnifying glass and I am constantly having to talk myself down.  It's exhausting.  I did a much better job eating well this week, and I think that helped as much as it could (and I lost three pounds this week!), plus I squeezed in a couple work outs, which is also supposed to help with anxiety.  Not to mention the Prozac, which hit two weeks on Thursday.  I know it just takes time, but it's hard not to feel impatient when you feel this awful.  I just feel scared and on edge all the time!

Seeing... my counselor for the second time.  I brought Wyatt with me, along with a tablet and some headphones because I knew I couldn't afford to miss it.  Thank goodness for my friend Kara who is willing to have Carly every time even though she cries every time I drop her off.  She's always fine once I leave, but she's never very happy at the idea of being left.  My counselor and I talked about a lot of things I am hoping to write a post about here soon.

Feeling... Wyatt's feelings right alongside him as he dealt with being told no about doing certain things (jumping on the trampoline, going to his baseball games, attending the baseball parade, riding his bike, playing outside... the list goes on) as he recovered from his asthma.  The steroids make all his emotions a little bigger than they'd usually be, so almost everyday we'd spend a little time on the couch crying together. Luckily Wyatt's really emotionally mature, so he understands that crying gets the bad feelings out and after a good cry we feel better. 

Having... guilty feelings as Jack bombed a spelling test we forgot to give him pretests for.  Normally he only misses one or two words.  This week he only got half the words right. And it's totally not his fault. Sigh.  There's only so much of me to go around, and this week, I was 100% devoted to Wyatt.

Making... it to book club this week, which was such a happy thing.  I needed that time out, with other adults, away from my responsibilities, talking and laughing.  Those ladies are a lifeline, and I am so, so grateful for them.

Helping... Logan find better ways of dealing with his anger (which currently include clenching his fists, swearing, flipping off his brother, back talking, tantruming and hitting).  We made a list of more appropriate ways to manage his angry feelings and so far it seems to be working.  The main one that seems to have struck a chord (surprisingly to me) is keeping a journal.  I let him choose a special pen and notebook and when he's angry and writes down his feelings in there.  I think he's been surprised to find that often there are other feelings under the anger.  It has led to some really good conversations between us, and some self awareness for Logan that will go a long way.

Loving... how snuggly and attached me to me Carly has been lately.  She's always saying, "Mama, I want a snuggle." I love it so much. 

Thankful... for Josh.  For how he can calm me down when I am worrying and how he loves me so hard.  He's an amazing husband and father, a crazy-hard worker and awesome provider.  For eighteen years I've had him by my side, and I'm just so blessed by him. He knows me so well, he even ordered me poetry books from his school book order!  I was so surprised when he brought them home for me! 

There's no one else I'd rather take this crazy journey with, that's for sure.  I love you, babe.

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