Around Here: Week Ten {2018}

Reading... 600 minutes over the last two months to earn Silverwood tickets from the school with my kids.  The boys each had sheets to fill out & turn in and when we get those tickets we are off to that magical theme park where we had so much fun last summer!  It's one of our best memories!
I personally am reading The Nightingale (which I cannot put down! as in, I read about 300 pages in two days) after finishing The Great Alone and slipping into a post-good-book depression. (That feeling you have where life has no joy because you finished your book and there's nothing to live for. Does that happen to anyone else? No? Just me? Ha!)  Thankfully The Nightingale is just as good (in fact, even better!) and I am reading every chance I get!

Freaking out... while listening to (and finishing) The Case Against Sugar.  Wow.  So much food for thought (little joke there) about diabetes, what we are feeding ourselves (and our children) and how we can do better.  It's a long (and somewhat boring read) but the last two sections (I listened to the audio version) make it worth every hour.  It has lit a new fire under me to keep as much sugar out of our diets as possible and to keep our diet as close to "real food" as possible.

So grateful... for my local book club girls.  That night out once a month means so much to me.  To talk and laugh and listen and be heard.  Girls, you fill my cup!

Loving... date night in my jammies & sweatshirt Friday after a long couple weeks of sick kids.  It was some much needed down time, just watching a movie with my guy.

Attending... a friends' little girls birthday party at the bowling alley and feeling so proud of all our kids.  They were so sweet and well behaved.  It's so weird to have older kids.  After years of dreading parties because it meant hours of hot, sweaty, child-chasing, now I go and it's honestly pretty relaxing.  The older three help chase Carly, (who was actually really good at this one) and are well mannered.  I just had a really lovely feeling as we left the party.

Laughing... as the kids tried Pop Rocks from their Party Favor Bags from the birthday party.  It's like a childhood rite of passage.

Making... March goals & getting stuff done around here this week.

Teaching... the twins to make breakfast so I don't have to because they want to learn.  It's a total win/win!  They make our eggs and sausage every morning and call us when it's ready.  It's seriously the best!

Playing hooky... with the kids Monday while my parents were here.  It was the most fun 24 hours and we enjoyed every moment.  A little shopping, some time at the arcade, some relaxed screen time, and some bedtime stories.  It was lovely and over all too soon!

Whining... about the "raining inside" that's happening cause of our "thirty year roof" that's 34 & needs replacing.  I'm amping up my hours on VIPkid, selling stuff we don't need on Facebook Market and praying we don't need to rip it all off.  #homeownership + #adulthood = #sadShelly

Cleaning... out the garage with Josh in an amazing one-day overhaul that was like they show on TLC.  I was so proud of us.  He's hoping to put some workout equipment in there, and I'm just glad to be rid of stuff that's been there since before we moved in.  It feels so good!  (see before/after photos above)

Crying... Thursday when Josh brought home "just because" flowers for me.  Man, I love doing life with that guy.  I am so blessed by him.

Cracking up... at my sister emailing me her vision of Josh and I parenting together:
Me, getting too close, helping too much, the epitome of helicopter parenting, hovering...
Josh, stepping in, pulling me away, or "shooting me down" (like when he told me he thought Logan (who has EPILEPSY!) could ride to school alone!) from my prime hovering position and my sister shouting from a distance,
"MAMA HAWK DOWN! REPEAT! MAMA HAWK DOWN!
God I love that girl.
She just gets me.

(I joke, but Josh and I talk seriously all the time about how this is why kids need two parents.  Because his tendency is to SHOVE THEM OUT OF THE NEST, and mine is to HOLD THEM THROUGH EVERYTHING, while what they actually need is some tightrope walk in between the two.  Navigating that is a lot of work for a marriage and often feels it requires much compromise and many small miracles.)

Enjoying... the way Carly brings out the soft side of Logan.  This week he enjoyed holding her during bedtime stories, and wearing matching jean jackets with her.  He is just extra tender with her, and I love watching their relationship.  He has a super sweet voice he uses with her, and he can't stand when she's in trouble or sad.  It's so sweet.  She's very blessed to be so loved by him.

Finally... sleeping after weeks of waking to sick kids & then 10 days of round-the-clock 6 hour penicillin doses for Logan.  When Jack had the option, we chose the shot instead of the pills for his ear infection because I could not face another week and a half of middle-of-the-night-alarm-clock-waking & pill giving.  (I haven't had coffee since the new year, and the last three weeks, these mornings without coffee have been extra rough!)
It's amazing how much energy I have now that I'm sleeping again.

Lastly... please join The Inspired Readers Book Club in reading The Immortalists starting next week! We'd love to have you!

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Throwing My Uterus Away

Well, I did it.
I got rid of my week-by-week baby, pregnancy & infant sleep books.
It basically felt like throwing my uterus away.

Alright, that's dramatic.
But also, accurate.

So, we're done.  Handing them to the man at the local Goodwill, was basically the same as handing the surgeon my fertility.  Glad to have that finished.

For a while after I had Carly (basically until she was about a year and a half) I still had occasional thoughts about having a fifth child... but now I feel total peace about the size of our family.  Four is it. We're good.  I am so blessed by our three boys and by our one girl.  The only thing (seriously, the only thing) that gives me pause is the fact that Carly will not have a sister.  But I console myself with the fact that some of my best friends don't have sisters. She'll just find really good friends.

Afternoons are when my life tends to be the craziest.  The boys get home from school and they're emptying backpacks and telling me about their day and asking for help with homework while Carly is getting into everything and tantruming that I won't let her draw on Wyatt's Parent Chat folder... and it's in those moments I know I have a little more than all I can handle. Also, when they're all sick, one after the other.  That's a lot for one mama to handle.

How did you know (or do you know yet???) that you were done having babies?  For me, finally knowing (and having complete peace about it) has been such a gift because it has allowed two things.  One, it has allowed me to get rid of all the baby things easily.  (Baby saucer? Buh-bye! Baby bath? See-ya-later!) And two, it has allowed me to really cherish every stage Carly has entered and left.  I know it will end (both the good, and the bad) so I can enjoy the good, and laugh my way through the bad, which has been really nice.

I did love being pregnant, and I'm sad about never being pregnant again. And I'm sad to never nurse another baby.  But I won't regret not having a fourth c-section and I'm so glad to know I'll never experience post-partum anxiety or migraines ever again.  Those were kind of the worst.

It's weird, though.  I was telling my mom, I spent my whole life dreaming of having babies and being a mom and POOF! In less than ten years, that chapter of my life is over. (Not the being a mom part, but the 'having babies' part.)  I'm sure glad I enjoyed it while it lasted!

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March Goals:

Read 8 Books:
I already finished The Great Alone & Little Soldiers, which feels terrific! On the recommendation of a good friend, I picked up Nightingale, also by Kristin Hannah, like Great Alone was, and I have not put it down. I bought it Saturday, and I'm already on page 300.  It's so good.  In fact, this morning when Josh got up at 5:00am to work out, instead of rolling over to go back to sleep, I turned on my bedside lamp and laid in bed reading until 6:30 when I finally got up and made his lunch.

Phantom Illness
The Immortalists
(Audio:)
The Case Against Sugar
The Untethered Soul
Braving The Wilderness

The books I actually choose to read may or may not be these specific books, but these are the ones I have my eye on. We shall see!

Track Eating:
Write down what I'm eating every single day in March

Track Swearing:
Mark with tick marks any swearing I do on my wall calendar each day

Track Yelling:
Put a sticker on the calendar for days when I am successful

Journal 2x weekly:
Write down my feelings, especially on days when I yell or lose my temper

Blog 3x weekly:
Get creative with the blog.  Keep up with weekly "Around Here", monthly book reviews, and Carly's monthly updates.  Brainstorm other ideas as well.

***

Around Here: Week Nine {2018}

"This is it, I thought, the absolute sweet spot of motherhood- these unguarded moments of pure intimacy, love assumed, the delicious hour when time slows at the end of a day and parents and children come together, reweaving their connections with one another."

-Katrina Kenison

Finishing... my puzzle after working on it for several weeks.  I love working on puzzles, and honestly feel kind of sad when I finish them.  I mean, it feels good to push that final piece in, but then I feel kind of lost. The boys are so sweet, though, and always celebrate when I finish.  It's nice.  I've decided this month, though, not to start another puzzle.  I'm going to focus instead on more reading cause I have a bunch of books that just came in from holds placed at the library.  So I'm going to be doing more reading!

Losing... my temper this week after months of doing so good. I sure didn't miss that terrible feeling I had afterwards!  Determined to get back on track this month.

Taking... care of Jack who came down with what Logan & Wyatt had last week.  Bless his heart, he ended up with an ear infection and a nearly-ruptured ear drum and was oh-so-sick.  Thankfully he was able to get an antibiotic shot which works extra quick and we avoided that ruptured ear drum.  It's been one sick kid after another around here, so we are upping the probiotic intake (to get our guts healthy again after all these antibiotics!) and our vitamin D intake (which also supports healthy immune systems) and washing our hands like it's going out of style!

Tossing... out homework for Wyatt after fighting with him for two days and deciding my relationship with him wasn't worth four pages of math.  It was a hard call to make, but I know it was the right call.

Writing... about Carly at a little over two years old.  She is full of character and fun stories and there are certain things she says that I hope she never stops saying.  Like, "My okay!" when she falls down. It's just so darn cute!

Reviewing... February's books and highly recommending two:  Turtles All The Way Down and The Wisdom of Sundays.  Go read my reviews!

Sending... Wyatt to class by himself (!) and letting Logan riding to school by himself (!).  All the independence over here at the Cunningham ranch! It's SO hard for this mama! Josh was joking last night that I'm over here trying to helicopter parent and he keep shooting me out of the sky.  #butseriously

Feeling... grateful that it's March!  February was long and grey and sick and boring and brutal.  I am ready for a fresh month and some fresh goals (which I'll be sharing tomorrow!) and spring!  Bring on the daffodils and tulips!

Tallying... up our total weight loss for the month of February and continuing to be inspired.
I am down from 188 pounds to 184 pounds  -4
Josh is down from 218 pounds to 213 pounds  -5
Logan is down from 108 pounds to 106 pounds  -2
Jack is down from 120 pounds to 118 pounds   -2
Wyatt is down from 86 pounds to 84 pounds   -2
We are eating pasta (noodles, rice, or macaroni) maybe twice a week as a side dish now as opposed to 3x a week and are enjoying veggies more than ever.  The kids are eating salmon without complaint (hooray!) and love the new cheesy cauliflower dish we make instead of noodles once a week.  Overall, the changes have been really doable for our family and I am super proud of us.

The boys know that the weigh in is just one of many ways we are tracking our progress towards a healthier life, including being more active, eating together as a family every night (with more meat and veggies, less carbs & sugar), healthier lunches & healthier shopping trips made as a family.

We enjoy a "splurge meal" every week, which is our family movie night, where we enjoy homemade pizza and dessert, so the boys don't feel deprived in any way.  It's important to all of us that this change feel sustainable and realistic and not at all like a diet.

I would never have imagined that I could do it.  That we could do it.  But here we are.  Making meals that are healthy for our family, that support Josh in his diabetes, that are making our kids healthier, and that are eliminating all the excess sugar from our lives. It feels so empowering.  And it started with just taking dessert out of their lunches.  And increasing veggies at dinner.  Then slowly but surely we increased the health value in the house. And now here we are, dropping LB's and feeling amazing.  I guess I say all this to say, if you feel overwhelmed or like you aren't sure you can make a whole lifestyle change, don't try to change everything. Pick one thing to change. Drop the soda. Or stop buying fruit rollups. Seriously. Eliminate one sugary thing. It can make a difference.  A week later, eliminate one more. You can do it! I believe in you. (Okay. Stepping off my soap box. Ahem. Sorry.)

Quote I'm loving this week:

"It is a way of being. 

A domestic, considered attention 

to familiar routines 

and the small, essential details 

of everyday life.  

I would create it by being present.  

I would try to do better."

-Katrina Kenison

***

{Books} February 2018

Turtles All The Way Down
by John Green

This book is a YA that I could not put down.  It's about a young woman with health anxiety, and I can't even put into words all the ways I could relate to her. If you wonder how it feels to suffer hypochondria (or if you ever wanted to climb inside my mind during a bout of health anxiety) read this book! I listened to it and I got through it so quick!  


Grief Cottage
by Gail Godwin

Grief Cottage was a bit slow in the beginning, but I enjoyed the winding tale of the story.  Sometimes I need a slower paced book, and this one hit the spot.  The main character is a boy whose single mom dies in a car accident at the beginning of the book, and how he deals with that loss as he moves in with a recluse aunt.  It's a good read, but not necessarily a page turner. 


Happier At Home
by Gretchen Rubin

After having this book on my shelf for literally years (it came to Alaska and back with me!) I have to say I was sorely disappointed by it.  I had loved The Happiness Project and Better Than Before, and was enthused by the idea (as a homemaker) of a happiness project that focused solely on the home.  Instead what I got was a hodgepodge of random goals that Gretchen worked on for a year to make herself happier.  None of which seemed directly related to the home except for "Create a Shrine" which lead to some controversy on our Inspired Readers Book Club page and left us all feeling a bit confused about how we felt about our belongings. 
The book was good in that it did inspire us to look at our homes and our lives to find areas where we could improve our happiness, but it did not inspire me the way her previous books have.  My two cents? Skip it.


Purple Hibiscus
by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Purple Hibiscus was like Grief Cottage in that it was not a page turner, but more of a long, winding story.  I enjoyed the story and found myself rooting for the main character to find her voice, but I don't know that I would read it again or recommend that anyone else read it. The ending left me feeling really down, honestly, for quite a few days, and I didn't love that. 


The Wisdom of Sundays
by Oprah Winfrey

The Wisdom of Sundays, which I borrowed from my library on Overdrive (it's an app you can download on your phone for free & use to borrow ebooks & audiobooks from your library) was awesome.  It was like listening to multiple podcast interviews with Oprah and several of her favorite guests.  I myself had multiple aha! moments that I had to sit down and journal about, and it felt so good to spend some time each day listening, working on personal development.  I highly recommend it. 

***

February Tally: 5

2018 Tally: 10

Yearly Goal: 10/60

Carly at 2 years, 1 month

An Ember of Hope:
Tonight as I went to lay Carly down for bed, we sat in the rocking chair together, her in her ridiculously long 24 month footy pajamas (is it just me, or does it look like a six year old could fit in them when you fold them?), and me in a pair of jeans, and we sang songs from JJ Heller's I Dream of You album, which is also the album I listened to every night after my first miscarriage, rocking three year old Wyatt to sleep.
Tears streamed down my cheeks tonight as I remembered the deep hopelessness I felt during the cold, dark nights in Alaska after my baby had been scraped out of my abdomen.  I didn't believe that another baby was possible.  After three healthy boys, I didn't think I deserved another baby.
And yet.
Somewhere deep inside, there was a spark of hope.
A tiny ember that kept burning through that winter.

By spring I had agreed to give God another chance at hope.  And oh my holy goodness can you imagine my life now if I hadn't? Can you imagine our lives without Carly? Without that sweet, joy-filled rainbow baby?  Our whole existence would be so dim.

Just last week Wyatt said to me, "Carly is so much fun."  And tonight Logan's bedtime prayer-gratitude was for taking a bath with her. He washed her hair and played with her water pipes and made her laugh. 

She was worth every tear and every heartache.  And let me tell you, two miscarriages, suffered in rural Alaska, away from family where medical care is two airplanes away, there was plenty of tears & heartache.  And yet.

She was worth it.
Worth it.

***

Now on to all the ways she delights us at 2 years, 1 month:

I cut her hair recently, just a little trim, and she looks so fresh. I love it.
But, now I am terrified she will cut her own hair!

At meals:
She wants broccoli and noodles. And she loves rice.
She puts ketchup on everything.  It grosses the boys out.
She yells "I need-" about everything:
"I need ketchup!"
"I need Molly McButter!"
"I need milk!"
She likes to get down IMMEDIATELY upon finishing.  She's a demanding creature!
When she is naughty, like pouring her food out or making a mess, as I'm cleaning it up, she tells me, "That a no-no."
For breakfast she likes toast and peanut butter and sausage.  Sometimes cereal.  And god forbid you give her what she did not want that day.

At bedtime:
She prefers mommy over daddy.  And we go in and get her three taggies, her blanket and her little stuffed animal Chase and sit in the rocking chair in the dark.
She requests songs specifically, and sometimes sings with me.
After a few songs, I lay her in her crib.
We usually sing one more song (Sunshine, typically) in her crib.
When we say I love you and I ask how much, she'll choose a number. Usually twenty four. Ha!
She says when she wakes up she's going to say, "Mommy, come get me!"
Then she will go over what we will do in the morning.  "Get up and play, and eat breakfast with brothers."

When she wakes up from naps she says, "Mommy, come get me!"

Funny Girl:
When she can't find something she will ask, "Book are?" or "Chase are?" instead of "Where is Chase?" or "Where is my book?"  I told Josh the other day that I will be sad when she asks where things are the right way. 

She always wants to do what brothers are doing so if Logan says, "I'm going to play Legos" or if Wyatt says he's going to go outside, she will run after them saying, "My play Legos, too!" or "My go outside, too!"

When she falls down, even if she's crying, through her tears she will get up and say, "My okay!"
I just adore the way she talks.

She gets the cat treats out out of the pantry and then calls the cats and shakes the cat treats to try and get them to come to her.  She makes little noises with her mouth like she hears me make to try and get them to come to her.

Her favorite books are the Llama Llama books, the David books, Paw Patrol, UmiZoomi books and The Quiet Book currently.

She plays mostly with Paw Patrol and her Miffy playhouse.  She also really likes the sand and magnetix.

I Can Do Hard Things:
Carly's favorite lovey is a dog named Chase, from the TV show Paw Patrol.  It's a stuffed animal which she commandeered from Wyatt when he got home from the hospital back in December. My mom bought it for him at the gift shop while he was suffering from severe asthma in the PICU.
As soon as we got home, and Carly laid eyes on the thing, she fell in love, and Wyatt let her have it.  (He's such a selfless big brother.  He constantly blows me away.) 
I will admit to you here that I was so sad when she fell in love with that stupid dog.  Before this, she had started to love the cutest little (noncommercial) bunny rabbit.  But I have come to realize that for Carly Chase represents "I can do hard things".
She went from having her mama around 24/7 her entire life, nursing 4x/day to not seeing me for four entire days.  She had no idea where I was, where her brother was, or why her dad was home and taking care of her instead of me. 
Her sudden, intense attachment to Chase is equivalent to the sudden absence of her mama for that week in December when Carly, contrary to what all of us imagined would happen, adjusted beautifully to Josh laying her down for naps and bedtime, had no problem not nursing to sleep.  Where Carly showed us just how resilient children can be, and she played and laughed and was her merry little self, despite the sudden change in caretakers. 
The only souvenir of that hard time in our lives (other than the medicine Wyatt now takes at bedtime) is the little brown dog Carly takes to bed at night.  Her "I can do hard things" bubba that reminds her she's gotten through tough things before, and no matter what life throws at her, it's not gonna keep her down!

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