Week 13 Around Here {2019}

Giving... Carly the bubble maker I bought for her birthday back in January.  It has been a huge hit for all the kids and I am so happy with it! I think it's going to get a LOT of use throughout spring and into the summer.  Just watching all the bubbles float happily into the sky brings me so much joy. It's kind of ridiculous. #kidatheart

Attending... my friends' twin girls' birthday party at the local arcade.  All four kids had so much fun.  It was a great way to kill a Saturday morning & make some great memories.  They loved the prizes they got with their tickets and Carly had fun trying to play the games like her big brothers.

Having... Jack's best friend who moved away over for the afternoon Saturday.  He was able to stay for movie night and Jack was so happy to see him again.  We have all missed him, honestly.  He's one of those kids that you just love having around.  He lightens the mood, is super sweet to Carly and just really easy to be with. 

Going... to Wenatchee Sunday to see my sister and celebrate her birthday.  Carly fell asleep for some of the drive (thank you, Dramamine for Kids -before that, she would throw up. Every time.), and I took pictures, and I'm so glad I did.  They are the last pictures I got of her with her beloved favorite feather taggie, which we lost this week.  The party was really fun- we played charades, got to visit and catch up with my sister as well as my parents who were in town.

Needing... to find (and believe in) my value as a human being without tying it to what I accomplish in a day.  I have been feeling lately like I don't have value because I don't bring in a paycheck.  I have been second guessing myself in every area of my life, and really feeling down on myself.  Feeling like a failure as a wife and mother, and just questioning whether I am effective in what I do.
I put a lot of thought into it, and I think it is the stage of parenting I am in.  When you have a baby, your duties are very clear and you know if you are doing a good job because the baby is healthy & thriving. It's very cut & dry.  But I don't have a baby anymore.  I have two 10 year olds and a 7 year old.  A lot of the parenting I do is planting seeds that I won't see grow (let alone bloom) for years.  Teaching kindness and morals is much slower work than teaching ABC's and potty training.  The turnaround is less immediate. All I can do is keep working (and working, and working), praying that it's all getting in there.

Working... to combat my lack of confidence by staying in the moment with my kids, and finding that it really works.  I've been focused at bedtime on listening to each kid, giving them all my full attention, and also by making lists and accomplishing a handful of specific things each day so I feel successful.  I think some days the things we do as moms are easy to forget because each day we just have to do them over again (feed the kids, do the dishes, wash the laundry...).  Having a list to cross off makes me feel productive and confident that I am working hard & making a difference here.

Laughing... when Logan came home sick from school one day this week and couldn't play with friends after school, so he was left playing with Carly.  I knew they were going to play Nerf guns (a favorite around here), but was dying when I saw that Logan had "arrested" Carly, zip tying her hands together.  She was totally willing to play, not even irritated, just going along with his orders. Oh that girl is just the best sport! #lifewithbigbrothers

Walking... to school finally after what felt like the longest winter ever.  It was just me and Wyatt because Jack had patrol, so he and Logan rode home once his duty was over.  It is just so nice to be outside again, hearing the birds, looking up at the blue sky, and seeing some green after a winter of grey and white.

Feeling... the strong urge to spring clean as the snow melted and spring suddenly "turned on".  I did a big Goodwill run, bought some things we have been needing on my Walmart list (lightbulbs, etc.) and feel much better about the state of our house as we prepare to spend more time outside working on the yard.

Reading... No Exit and listening to Becoming on audio.  No Exit was disturbing with a ton of twists and turns. Super exciting and edge-of-your-seat. Whoooo! (Warning: it will make you want to avoid rest stops for the duration of your life. Ha!)  Becoming was equally engaging, and I found myself doing extra chores just so I could listen a little more. (It's nearly 20 hours long!)

Being... heavy hearted when Carly took her favorite taggie on a walk to the school to pick Wyatt up and we lost it.  I walked back, then drove back, then looked in the school lost & found... it's nowhere to be found. She is heartbroken.  I feel so sad for her!

Thankful... Wyatt has found some neighbor kid friends in our neighborhood.  He is so happy to go out and play after school, and I'm so happy for him to finally have friends around us.  The twins have had friends nearby since we moved in, so I'm happy for him to have the same now.

Icing... the black eye Wyatt got from a friend during a playful wrestling match.  Somehow he didn't cry when he got it, but that sucker looked painful, and only got worse as the week pressed on!  He couldn't even wear his glasses for the first two days because his face was so swollen!  Poor kiddo!

Loving... the Mother's Day gift Josh said I could order for myself (a huge splurge!) from Lisa Leonard Designs.  She had a huge sale on rings a few weeks ago, and when I saw that the rings I've had my eye on for years were on sale, I asked him if I could order my Mother's Day gift early.  He said, "Whatever makes you happy, baby," and with that, I ordered myself four sweet little rings, one with each of my kids' names on it. 
I have worn them almost everyday since, and love how they remind me that this is my greatest work, my greatest privilege.  As Ricki Lake said, "Motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing." Amen.

***

For a laugh:

{Do I have to answer this???}

A sweet reminder:

*

Confidence

Feeling anxious about hitting publish on this one. 

It's not really tied up with a neat bow, which I hate, 

so taking a cue from C.Jane's book, we'll call this my "First Draft".

There are days when I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.  I feel like my years of parenting and my parenting confidence have an inverse relationship.  The longer I do this parenting thing, the less confident I feel about how I'm doing it.

In the course of a day I will question: my discipline methods, homeschooling the boys, how much I use social media, what toys we own, how much television we watch, what screen time should look like, the meals I prepare (how nutritious they are), and how to simplify while still making sure the boys' lives are enriched... The list goes on.

And those are my daily concerns.  My long term concerns are far bigger.  Are they kind? Do they empathize? Can they express their feelings properly?  Are they helpful?  Can they complete tasks independently? 

And perhaps most importantly, are they loved?

Do they know it?  Do they feel it?  When they're at their lowest, do they know way deep down that no matter what I love them?

***

 I remember my wedding day very clearly.  I look back at that girl the way you look at your favorite Hollywood starlet.  I gaze unabashedly at her body, taking in all the tight skin, the flat belly under her pure white dress and the million watt smile that knew nothing of the life that was to come.  I want to take her by the shoulders and shake the sparkle from her smile, and tell her to "get real" or "get ready" for all that life is going to throw at her.

I could never have imagined that in five years time we'd be expecting twins.  Or that three years after that, we'd both be college educated, jobless & expecting our third child.  I miss the naïveté of that beautiful girl.  The way she was so sure life was going to be good to her, and that she could, undoubtedly, handle any challenge that came her way.

Since that day twelve years ago, I've been beat up a bit.  But what bothers me the most aren't the bruises or the way my story has been woven (its made me who I am, so I can't help but love it despite it's darker parts).  No... what bothers me is the sunshiny optimism that was swept away with the storms.

***

As we prepared this summer for Josh to leave for Alaska for the school year, I had none of the confidence I should have had about my ability to handle the hard times that were surely coming.  I wondered at my ability to take care of our three boys and grow our fourth.  I wondered how I would manage being both mom and homeschooler.  I wondered how I would balance life in the city with the simplicity I fell in love with while living in rural Alaska.

As the weeks have passed with him gone, instead of feeling more confident about how I'm doing with the responsibility currently on my shoulders, I feel the opposite.  More unsteady, more unsure, more unhinged with every day that passes.

I've been having lower back pain for about two months now.  I imagine it's from picking Wyatt up (I can't help myself. He's still my baby!) and my center of gravity changing with the pregnancy as it's progressed.  This pain lead me to the doctor and then a massage therapist.  When I saw the massage therapist she told me that my ribs are out, in addition to a million other things wrong with my body, and that that happens when your body is curling inward, toward a fetal position. 

Since then I've worked really hard on opening my chest, standing taller and sitting up straighter.  I find that it's really uncomfortable (not physically, but emotionally) for me to do these things.  It's like I don't think I deserve to take up space in this world.  What a terrible, terrible realization.

I wonder, if the table were turned, what that girl in her beaded gown would think as she looked at me a decade into the future.  Would she recognize me?  Would she pity me?  Would she shake her head and ask, "How could it be?"

Maybe, just maybe, she'd hug me and lend me some of her confidence. 

Heaven knows I could use it.