Around Here: Week 43 2020

 {October 18-24th}

{My mom & my older brother Dalton}

{My grandpa getting his chemo}

{note the high heels}

Welcoming... Josh home after he was gone all weekend working at my grandparent's house. It was so kind of him and his brother to do all that work for Grandma Pansy & Grandpa Jerry, and I really appreciated him being my hands while I am able to do so little to help them. 

Grateful... that Grandpa's second chemo treatment went really well, and he isn't suffering any side effects or anything other than tiredness.  It's such a blessing. Also a blessing that they can get the treatment in a neighboring town. They don't have to go all the way to Portland to get it each week. 

Enduring... Carly waking every night at least once a night. It is just exhausting. But it's also bittersweet because I know that this phase won't last forever, and soon I won't have any kids waking me up at night regularly.  So while I wears me out, I am also trying to cherish it. I feel like that balancing act in itself sums up motherhood.  Trying to enjoy it while not letting it kill you.

Washing... dishes for dayssssss when I didn't do them the entire weekend Josh was gone. A lot of people asked why the kids don't help with the dishes, and please don't worry, they do.  But that weekend we were on the go and then just relaxing, so we just never got to them.  And by the time I needed to face them, it was a bit overwhelming of a task to lay on the boys, so I did them myself. But the twins do dishes a lot, and Josh cooks or does the dishes pretty much every single night. I am very lucky!  (But I do need to get better at adding paper plates to my regular grocery list. Hah!)

Laughing... when Carly showed up downstairs in a dress up dress and crown and demanded that I "bow at her".  (For those wondering, I for sure bowed at her... I was a little afraid of what might happen if I didn't.)

Swearing... at the twins when they lost their shit over a zoom meeting I made them attend and wanting to just disappear Monday... They weren't listening; I had no patience; and together, we made school at home feel like hell on earth.  We are six weeks in, and still I am struggling.  They want to set the agenda for the day, or only do what the teacher says... but I am the adult in charge here, and reminding them of that constantly is getting quite old.  

So...

Grounding... the twins from their game consoles and all screens for the foreseeable future until they can say, "Okay mom" to whatever I ask without arguing or losing their minds.  While Josh was home, it was much less of a struggle to get them to listen, but now that he's at work everyday, I am feeling very on my own, and we had a bit of a "Come to Jesus".  All the things they have here in this house, are a privilege, and one they have to earn by doing their jobs- both chores around here and school.  So until they shape up, screens are out. 

Trading... screens for chores on Tuesday.  
The twins cleaned out the garage, weeded the yard and did multiple jobs in the house during what would normally have been their screen time. I am hopeful this motivates them to be more respectful of me.

Watching... When Calls The Heart, season by season, working my way toward the new seasons (6 & 7) that I bought on Amazon Prime.  I can't wait to see what the new seasons hold. 

Feeling... proud of the twins for pouring themselves into their NWEA testing (reading) on Thursday.  They both took their time and got scores that were right where they should be.  I'm always glad when their test scores reflect what they actually know.

Suffering... a migraine Friday and letting myself stay in bed. It meant the kids got more screen time than I would have liked (the twins earned theirs back with their good job/focus on the NWEA) but when I have a migraine, it's about survival. 

Removing... Carly's pink booster seat from her kitchen table chair.  I don't know what it is, that she's my last, or maybe that I only have a few things left from her infancy & toddlerhood, but moving on from those baby items is super hard for my heart.  

We sold her bike trailer because she can ride a bike with training wheels now.  We gave her tricycle to my niece.  She no longer wears diapers or bibs, never took a bottle or a binky, and I have her stroller, but I know that I won't ever use it again. I just haven't bit the bullet and gotten rid of it yet. 

So unbuckling that tiny chair from her seat before dinner this week felt monumental.  

She will be five in two months. Five. I can't even believe it. 

And even though it's going too fast, and I want to slow time down, I also wouldn't trade it for anything. Watching her grow up is my greatest joy. 

So very bittersweet. 

Enjoying... book club which met via Zoom this week to discuss our book, Lila by Marilynne Robinson. The discussion went from distance learning to the book to our value as women, and what impacts our self esteem and our self worth. It is just so good for my soul to spend time with those women.  They all understand my role as wife and mother, and they understand the demands placed on my shoulders.  They are so kind and good to me (and each other) and they have been a super bright spot throughout quarantine.  I love you Legenda Ladies!!!

Reading... The Body Keeps Score (which is a slow read that I want to fully absorb before rushing to the next chapter) and Leave The World Behind, which is a page turner from Book of the Month.  Seriously, I was dying to find out what happens in Leave The World Behind. (But, semi-spoiler-alert, I was not pleased with the ending of LTWB at all!)

Seeing... the pic of my older brother and my mom sharing one last dinner before she moves away (from him, but closer to me & my sister!) made me tear up. I am so grateful that they were able to do that, and I just love my brother. 

Falling... head over heels for the tree in front of our house. It is the most beautiful color in October, and it feels like a gift.  It always makes me think of Anne of Green Gables saying, "I'm so glad I live in a world with Octobers." 

***

Week 15 Around Here {2019}

Loving... how God gives me hugs in the form of sunrises and sunsets.  This week it was the most spectacular sunrise that had our sky turning pink & purple and looking more like a watercolor and less like real life.  It was stunning, and took my breath away.

Squeezing... the last bit of fun out of Spring Break by renting Bumblebee for the kids for movie night and letting Wyatt have his friend over for pizza & cookies with us, and having my sister and her crew come over for the day Sunday.  The kids had fun together and I fell even more in love with my little niece.  She came over to me with her lovey blanket and cuddled in my lap on the couch and I seriously MELTED.  Oh how I love that little lady!

Preparing... for the week ahead by cleaning house with the kids Sunday evening and grocery shopping with Carly on Monday.

Struggling... to get back in the swing of things after Spring Break despite my preparation & good intentions.  We got out of our routine (read: had fun) over spring break and getting back on schedule (read: going to bed on time) was really hard all.week.long!  This struggle lead to some really rough mornings.  My tiredness coupled with the rain and some serious tween attitudes forced me to take some really deep breaths.  There were SO many fights to break up that one morning they found themselves grounded for the day because of their behavior.

Choosing... eye glasses for Carly who saw the eye doctor for the first time this week and is far sighted with a severe astigmatism, just like her three brothers before her.  Her prescription is not quite as strong as Logan's, which is a +5. something, but stronger than Jack's, falling at +3.5 Rx.  She looks ridiculously cute in her glasses.  I can't wait for them to get in with her lenses ready.
They had to dilate her eyes pretty severely so her pupils were huge for two whole days, and I joked that if she had asked for a unicorn I'd have gone out looking for one. Thankfully I had found a pair of tiny pink sunglasses on sale at Walmart earlier this week.  She put them to good use those two days.
Even though all three of our boys have bad vision, I don't think I had prepared myself for the idea that she would need glasses.  I was a bit in denial that we produce children with bad vision, I guess.  Luckily she's excited to match the brothers and I think she'll be adorable in them.
We also chose new glasses for Logan & Jack after their annual eye appointments this week.  I am so grateful for our awesome local eye doctor's office- the doctor and everyone on his staff is so great.  They fix the boys' glasses when they break, help us choose good glasses that tend to come with the best warrantees (because they know they will be seeing us soon with broken glasses in hand) and are so kind & engaged with my kids.

Reading... The Life You Longed For, which was slow to start, but then really good (& interesting- about Munchausen by proxy, so creepy!) and also Queenie, which I still haven't gotten totally into.  Meh.
I also listened to the rest of My Year of Rest and Relaxation, which was bizarre, but totally entertaining, and Lousiana's Way Home, which is a middle-grade read by Kate DiCamillo and is a sweet, short read.
Receiving my Book of the Month order, containing three books I can't wait to read!  This month I ordered Normal People by Sally Rooney, Miracle Creek by Angie Kim and Lost and Wanted by Nell Freudenberger.  If I can't get myself into Queenie, I may just jump into one of these next!

Thankful... that when Wyatt gets sick it doesn't produce in me the same anxiety that it used to.  We know so much more now, and we have the right mix of meds to keep him out of the hospital and off of oral steroids, both of which feel like miracles.  Every time he gets sick, I never cease to be grateful that the nebulizer does what it's supposed to (we use albuterol & budesonide in it 2x daily when he's sick) and it keeps us from having to be seen and keeps him from getting worse.  Hearing him cough doesn't send me off into a panic like it used to.  I never imagined that could happen.  What a blessing.

Smiling... about my new haircut.  It's been six months since I started Monat, and about eight months since most of my hair fell out, following a really stressful period of parenting Wyatt through a bout of bad asthma and Logan through a period of severe seizures that were uncontrolled by medication. I am taking some strong vitamins as well as biotin, plus using Monat shampoo (Black & Renew) and conditioner (Revitalize) everyday as well as their Replenish hair mask weekly, Rejuvenique hair oil twice a month, and Intense Repair Treatment & Rejuvabeads Split End Mender daily.  At first it felt like a lot, but my girl Haverlee assured me that in the end it would all be worth it. And thus far, she's been right.
I've been keeping it shorter since it started falling out, and this most recent haircut has me actually feeling like it's getting better.  I am so excited!  It's so true that you don't know what you got till it's gone.  I totally took my "good" hair for granted.  I actually envy Carly's messy bun. Hah!  But hopefully not for long.

Rolling... right into baseball season with practice every day of the week for either the twins or Wyatt's team.  It's crazy, but it's also kind of our favorite.  Plus it has meant Uncle Samuel is around more because he is helping Josh coach the twins' team, and that is everyone's favorite.  He makes us smile more and laugh harder.  Carly is especially in love with him.  He always says yes to reading a story or a playing a game with her, and it makes her so happy.  It's the most precious little relationship, watching her light up when he gets here.

Confirming... with our amazing orthodontist that Wyatt does need a spacer for his tiny little palate/nasal area.  It turns out he has a deviated septum, which makes it very hard to be a nose breather, which is what everyone should be.  If we can put a spacer in his mouth, spreading his palate a little wider, it will also give his nose a little more "room to breathe" (pun intended) and will allow him to breathe through his nose despite his deviated septum.

Impressed... by Carly's ability to draw things.  A few weeks ago she started drawing faces, and now her faces have legs and arms and sometimes hair.  Then earlier this week she drew a whale.  She's only three and I'm kind of blown away by her talent.

Momming... so hard this week.  You guys.  Sometimes I think that maybe we shouldn't be the ones who decide how many kids we have.  Like, when I had Carly, parenting the other three was relatively easy.  But now? Now that hormones are involved? Oh sweet baby Jesus, hold me.
I am parenting so hard that most days I can barely get into my pajamas at bedtime.  I forget things, I am constantly running late, I resolve to be patient, lose my temper, resolve to be patient again.  Lose my temper. Again. Sigh.
We are working with the kids on problem solving with our words instead of our bodies (there is seriously so.much.fighting with three brothers born within three years); teaching how to wash our bodies completely in the shower now that none of the boys are bathed by mom or dad; and how to choose the right friends to hang around. (Why is being "cool" so cool?)
They never stop moving, never sleep, never shut up.  (For reals. Is there even that much to talk about? There can't be. And yet.) They wake me up at least twice a night for nightmares, anxiety or imaginary ailments.  I am always so flipping tired.
But also, being with them, hearing their thoughts at bedtime as I tuck them in, rubbing their backs as I sing them a song from JJ Heller's lullaby album, it's like my church.  They are my devil and my redeemer.  They are my savior and what I need rescuing from.  Children's books read out loud in their beds, piled high with blankets & stuffed animals, followed by hugs, kisses and snuggles? That's my church.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  But some weeks, I'll tell you, I am putting in the WORK. And this was one of those weeks.

And since... laughter is good medicine, here's something funny I read this week about mom sleep.  "It's like regular sleep, but without the sleep." 
It's funny cause it's true.
#dying

Heartwarmed... when I went to plug in the twins' cell phones and found they both had Carly's picture as their lock screens.  They may fight with each other, and drive me CRAZY, but they are amazing big brothers, and they love her like nothing in this world.  She's so lucky to have them.

***

Next week, I am going to try to get on top of my self care.

• 1) Go to bed on time
• 2) Wake up before the kids
• 3) Working out in some fashion everyday
• 4) Take time to read 
• 5)  Journal something each night

***

Week 13 Around Here {2019}

Giving... Carly the bubble maker I bought for her birthday back in January.  It has been a huge hit for all the kids and I am so happy with it! I think it's going to get a LOT of use throughout spring and into the summer.  Just watching all the bubbles float happily into the sky brings me so much joy. It's kind of ridiculous. #kidatheart

Attending... my friends' twin girls' birthday party at the local arcade.  All four kids had so much fun.  It was a great way to kill a Saturday morning & make some great memories.  They loved the prizes they got with their tickets and Carly had fun trying to play the games like her big brothers.

Having... Jack's best friend who moved away over for the afternoon Saturday.  He was able to stay for movie night and Jack was so happy to see him again.  We have all missed him, honestly.  He's one of those kids that you just love having around.  He lightens the mood, is super sweet to Carly and just really easy to be with. 

Going... to Wenatchee Sunday to see my sister and celebrate her birthday.  Carly fell asleep for some of the drive (thank you, Dramamine for Kids -before that, she would throw up. Every time.), and I took pictures, and I'm so glad I did.  They are the last pictures I got of her with her beloved favorite feather taggie, which we lost this week.  The party was really fun- we played charades, got to visit and catch up with my sister as well as my parents who were in town.

Needing... to find (and believe in) my value as a human being without tying it to what I accomplish in a day.  I have been feeling lately like I don't have value because I don't bring in a paycheck.  I have been second guessing myself in every area of my life, and really feeling down on myself.  Feeling like a failure as a wife and mother, and just questioning whether I am effective in what I do.
I put a lot of thought into it, and I think it is the stage of parenting I am in.  When you have a baby, your duties are very clear and you know if you are doing a good job because the baby is healthy & thriving. It's very cut & dry.  But I don't have a baby anymore.  I have two 10 year olds and a 7 year old.  A lot of the parenting I do is planting seeds that I won't see grow (let alone bloom) for years.  Teaching kindness and morals is much slower work than teaching ABC's and potty training.  The turnaround is less immediate. All I can do is keep working (and working, and working), praying that it's all getting in there.

Working... to combat my lack of confidence by staying in the moment with my kids, and finding that it really works.  I've been focused at bedtime on listening to each kid, giving them all my full attention, and also by making lists and accomplishing a handful of specific things each day so I feel successful.  I think some days the things we do as moms are easy to forget because each day we just have to do them over again (feed the kids, do the dishes, wash the laundry...).  Having a list to cross off makes me feel productive and confident that I am working hard & making a difference here.

Laughing... when Logan came home sick from school one day this week and couldn't play with friends after school, so he was left playing with Carly.  I knew they were going to play Nerf guns (a favorite around here), but was dying when I saw that Logan had "arrested" Carly, zip tying her hands together.  She was totally willing to play, not even irritated, just going along with his orders. Oh that girl is just the best sport! #lifewithbigbrothers

Walking... to school finally after what felt like the longest winter ever.  It was just me and Wyatt because Jack had patrol, so he and Logan rode home once his duty was over.  It is just so nice to be outside again, hearing the birds, looking up at the blue sky, and seeing some green after a winter of grey and white.

Feeling... the strong urge to spring clean as the snow melted and spring suddenly "turned on".  I did a big Goodwill run, bought some things we have been needing on my Walmart list (lightbulbs, etc.) and feel much better about the state of our house as we prepare to spend more time outside working on the yard.

Reading... No Exit and listening to Becoming on audio.  No Exit was disturbing with a ton of twists and turns. Super exciting and edge-of-your-seat. Whoooo! (Warning: it will make you want to avoid rest stops for the duration of your life. Ha!)  Becoming was equally engaging, and I found myself doing extra chores just so I could listen a little more. (It's nearly 20 hours long!)

Being... heavy hearted when Carly took her favorite taggie on a walk to the school to pick Wyatt up and we lost it.  I walked back, then drove back, then looked in the school lost & found... it's nowhere to be found. She is heartbroken.  I feel so sad for her!

Thankful... Wyatt has found some neighbor kid friends in our neighborhood.  He is so happy to go out and play after school, and I'm so happy for him to finally have friends around us.  The twins have had friends nearby since we moved in, so I'm happy for him to have the same now.

Icing... the black eye Wyatt got from a friend during a playful wrestling match.  Somehow he didn't cry when he got it, but that sucker looked painful, and only got worse as the week pressed on!  He couldn't even wear his glasses for the first two days because his face was so swollen!  Poor kiddo!

Loving... the Mother's Day gift Josh said I could order for myself (a huge splurge!) from Lisa Leonard Designs.  She had a huge sale on rings a few weeks ago, and when I saw that the rings I've had my eye on for years were on sale, I asked him if I could order my Mother's Day gift early.  He said, "Whatever makes you happy, baby," and with that, I ordered myself four sweet little rings, one with each of my kids' names on it. 
I have worn them almost everyday since, and love how they remind me that this is my greatest work, my greatest privilege.  As Ricki Lake said, "Motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing." Amen.

***

For a laugh:

{Do I have to answer this???}

A sweet reminder:

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