around here: week 24 2021

 {June 6-12th}

{32 weeks pregnant/Spring 2008}

 

Finished... reading The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah.  I was disappointed majorly in this book.  I ended up giving it only two stars.  I was invested in the story, but certain parts of it were so rushed!! It was awful. Uncomfortable and unrealistic.

Reading... Meg & Jo by Virginia Kantra and rereading The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison.  Meg & Jo is a modern retelling of the sisters from Little Women, and I am reading it in preparation of Beth & Amy, which I preordered and have been looking forward to for a year. 
The Gift of an Ordinary Day is the most comforting book about motherhood, offering little insights & inspiration on every page. 

Starting... our next book club book, The Book of Lost Friends, and liking it more than I thought I would.  It's a huge book, so I'm going to have to read my heart out to get it finished before book club next week!!

Making... a hard phone call to address some big emotions and feeling proud of myself for doing it. I used to avoid confrontation at all costs, but my counselor brought it to my attention and said to me:
"So you avoid confrontation to keep other people from feeling uncomfortable, but then you feel uncomfortable?" I was like, Oh Em Gee. She's right. I am sacrificing my needs to keep others happy.  And that's no way to live.

Celebrating... Logan & Jack's 13th birthday with a family party at my mom's house and hosting a fight (Logan Paul and Floyd Mayweather) for the twins and some of the guys at our house.  We ordered chicken wings, and I made cupcakes.  They had a great time.  Logan got a punching bag for him and Jack and they were thrilled.  

Enjoying... a tea party with Carly one morning after I had told her I couldn't play because I was paying bills and she said, "I wish you were my sister," because I told her that moms have to work. It's just a fact of life. 
Clever girl.

Finding... Josh crawling into bed at 5:30am Sunday morning after working through the night on his car with his brother.  His car is done, it's fixed, and we are all so thrilled! Way to go, guys!

Taking... Carly to (drive through) kindergarten round up, where she got to meet her four (potential) kindergarten teachers, and was given a pack of activities for summer/school prep.  It got her so pumped.  As we drove home, she said, "I'm not going to be able to sleep a wink tonight! I'm too excited!" Gosh I love her enthusiasm.  

Experiencing... anxiety Tuesday & Wednesday about the future. Specifically about Carly starting kindergarten and whether Josh was going to expect me to go back to work or not.  I had to remind myself that I am safe with Josh, and asked him what his expectations were for the fall.  He was so kind, ever my soft place to land, and assured me that he does not expect me to return to the workforce.  He is worried that my anxiety or depression might get the best of me with no kids here to keep me on routine, so he wants me to be sure I'm taking care of myself, but otherwise, he is 100% fine with me continuing my role as a stay at home mom.  
The relief that came from having that conversation is immeasurable. 

Joining... my book club ladies in a health challenge.  Each week we are encouraged to workout, eat our fruits & veggies, drink plenty of water (along with some other things) and keep track of the points we have accumulated.  We each donated $20 to a pot, and whoever gets the most points, will win that!  I am not doing every thing I can to earn every single point, but instead am slowly building what healthy habits I'm doing each week.  64 ounces of water each day the first week, working out the second week, etc. 

Attending... Wyatt's last baseball practice where he got a pizza party and trophy.  While he palled around with his teammates, Carly and I played at the park and I got some super cute pictures of her. 

Hanging... out with Samuel & Josh on Thursday after the kids had gone to bed, and it was so fun.  Those guys are FUNNY and they make me feel relaxed, in the moment, and funny myself.  

Grateful... for Josh's last day this Friday.  What a year it has been!! Our kids, meanwhile, have another week left, and we are over it.  Because of that, I let Wyatt stay home Friday.  He took a mental health day, and it was much (MUCH) needed.  We are all OVER IT and I may be counting down to summer more enthusiastically than the kids are. 

Logging on... to Doctor on Demand to meet with my counselor, and talking about:

• the hard conversation I had this week
• my anxiety about Carly going to school & what it means for my future as a SAHM
• focusing on body positivity

She said speaking up for myself is a way of maintaining my own integrity, and that she was proud of me for having the hard phone convo.  She was also proud that I talked to Josh about his expectations for next year because it was bothering me so much to not know. 

We ended our session deciding that I needed to spend some time immersed in researching the value of stay-at-home-mothers since I tend to devalue what I do. 

In case you are a stay-at-home mom questioning your own value, I will cite what I found on verywellfamily.com

• My focus is 100% on my family
• I am able to spend time with my spouse
• Time invested raising kids
• Cleaning the house
• Running our life/calendar
• I make life easier for my spouse
• I make life smoother for my kids
• I don't miss out on milestones
• I am in charge of setting & keeping our family traditions
• I am there every step of the way
• I am my children's first, most influential teacher
• Duties included:
•     nurse
•     chauffeur
•     chef
•     teacher
•     playmate
•     housekeeper
•     school involvement/volunteering
•     laundry attendant
•     accountant
•     baby sitter
•     organizer
•     planner
•     grocery shopper
•     counselor
•     pet keeper
•     socializer
•     routine keeper
• What makes it hard includes:
•     No sick pay
•     No vacation
•     I am ALWAYS on duty, 24/7

In conclusion, the article said I do contribute to my family, I just don't contribute a paycheck.  If I were paid for my work as a SAHM, the website said I would make $143,102 per year for all that I do. 

(Please, please, please, if you are a working mom, do not take this to mean that any of this is not ALSO true for you. It is. You do all of this AND have a job outside the home on top of that.  I am impressed by you and am cheering for you! I just needed to dig into what it is I do here so I could feel a little better about what I am adding to our household. xoxo)

Walking... with my friend Becky and loving the time we share because it doesn't feel like exercise. It just feels like time with my girlfriend, chatting about life. It's awesome!

Planning... Wyatt's birthday pool party and feeling disbelief that he will be ten.

Dressing up... to go out with my bestie and her friends at Michael's on the Lake for her birthday.  We had the best time- great food, amazing dessert, and even better company.  Gosh, I am always so grateful for social time.

Writing... a post about rocking chairs, and what it's like to reach the end of that era of my life. It feels surreal that the part of my life I looked most forward to (having babies and raising toddlers) is already over.  Thankfully this stage is lots more fun than I would have imagined, but there is still a mourning in letting go of what has passed. 

Joining... my writing group (Mine To Tell) and writing about our bedroom in Alaska.  It was a great jumping off point for much of my story, which has me excited about what is to come. (Mine To Tell is a writing group with leaders Kathy & Ashmae, that meets on Tuesdays to write and gives you access to all sorts of writing courses they've made in the past. It's helping me get in touch with "Shelly", as opposed to "Logan, Jack, Wyatt & Carly's mom", and reminds me how much I love writing. I am loving it.)

Loving... the kids doing the dishes each day.  It's funny, but as they have gotten older, it's gotten harder for me (somehow) to keep up with the daily chores. I feel constantly behind on laundry and dishes, so having them jump into a rotation (Logan, Jack, Wyatt, repeat) of loading the dishwasher and unloading it, has relieved the burden on my shoulders a lot. 

***

{I needed this message this week!}

My kids have started guarding me from the other kids if I'm eating and they know I'm hangry.  It is equal parts sad and AWESOME. "No! Don't interrupt her. She needs to eat!" 

{Hate how accurate this is}

I bought myself this sweatshirt.
To remind myself:
"I'm doing THE BEST I can"

***

Around Here: Week 43 2020

 {October 18-24th}

{My mom & my older brother Dalton}

{My grandpa getting his chemo}

{note the high heels}

Welcoming... Josh home after he was gone all weekend working at my grandparent's house. It was so kind of him and his brother to do all that work for Grandma Pansy & Grandpa Jerry, and I really appreciated him being my hands while I am able to do so little to help them. 

Grateful... that Grandpa's second chemo treatment went really well, and he isn't suffering any side effects or anything other than tiredness.  It's such a blessing. Also a blessing that they can get the treatment in a neighboring town. They don't have to go all the way to Portland to get it each week. 

Enduring... Carly waking every night at least once a night. It is just exhausting. But it's also bittersweet because I know that this phase won't last forever, and soon I won't have any kids waking me up at night regularly.  So while I wears me out, I am also trying to cherish it. I feel like that balancing act in itself sums up motherhood.  Trying to enjoy it while not letting it kill you.

Washing... dishes for dayssssss when I didn't do them the entire weekend Josh was gone. A lot of people asked why the kids don't help with the dishes, and please don't worry, they do.  But that weekend we were on the go and then just relaxing, so we just never got to them.  And by the time I needed to face them, it was a bit overwhelming of a task to lay on the boys, so I did them myself. But the twins do dishes a lot, and Josh cooks or does the dishes pretty much every single night. I am very lucky!  (But I do need to get better at adding paper plates to my regular grocery list. Hah!)

Laughing... when Carly showed up downstairs in a dress up dress and crown and demanded that I "bow at her".  (For those wondering, I for sure bowed at her... I was a little afraid of what might happen if I didn't.)

Swearing... at the twins when they lost their shit over a zoom meeting I made them attend and wanting to just disappear Monday... They weren't listening; I had no patience; and together, we made school at home feel like hell on earth.  We are six weeks in, and still I am struggling.  They want to set the agenda for the day, or only do what the teacher says... but I am the adult in charge here, and reminding them of that constantly is getting quite old.  

So...

Grounding... the twins from their game consoles and all screens for the foreseeable future until they can say, "Okay mom" to whatever I ask without arguing or losing their minds.  While Josh was home, it was much less of a struggle to get them to listen, but now that he's at work everyday, I am feeling very on my own, and we had a bit of a "Come to Jesus".  All the things they have here in this house, are a privilege, and one they have to earn by doing their jobs- both chores around here and school.  So until they shape up, screens are out. 

Trading... screens for chores on Tuesday.  
The twins cleaned out the garage, weeded the yard and did multiple jobs in the house during what would normally have been their screen time. I am hopeful this motivates them to be more respectful of me.

Watching... When Calls The Heart, season by season, working my way toward the new seasons (6 & 7) that I bought on Amazon Prime.  I can't wait to see what the new seasons hold. 

Feeling... proud of the twins for pouring themselves into their NWEA testing (reading) on Thursday.  They both took their time and got scores that were right where they should be.  I'm always glad when their test scores reflect what they actually know.

Suffering... a migraine Friday and letting myself stay in bed. It meant the kids got more screen time than I would have liked (the twins earned theirs back with their good job/focus on the NWEA) but when I have a migraine, it's about survival. 

Removing... Carly's pink booster seat from her kitchen table chair.  I don't know what it is, that she's my last, or maybe that I only have a few things left from her infancy & toddlerhood, but moving on from those baby items is super hard for my heart.  

We sold her bike trailer because she can ride a bike with training wheels now.  We gave her tricycle to my niece.  She no longer wears diapers or bibs, never took a bottle or a binky, and I have her stroller, but I know that I won't ever use it again. I just haven't bit the bullet and gotten rid of it yet. 

So unbuckling that tiny chair from her seat before dinner this week felt monumental.  

She will be five in two months. Five. I can't even believe it. 

And even though it's going too fast, and I want to slow time down, I also wouldn't trade it for anything. Watching her grow up is my greatest joy. 

So very bittersweet. 

Enjoying... book club which met via Zoom this week to discuss our book, Lila by Marilynne Robinson. The discussion went from distance learning to the book to our value as women, and what impacts our self esteem and our self worth. It is just so good for my soul to spend time with those women.  They all understand my role as wife and mother, and they understand the demands placed on my shoulders.  They are so kind and good to me (and each other) and they have been a super bright spot throughout quarantine.  I love you Legenda Ladies!!!

Reading... The Body Keeps Score (which is a slow read that I want to fully absorb before rushing to the next chapter) and Leave The World Behind, which is a page turner from Book of the Month.  Seriously, I was dying to find out what happens in Leave The World Behind. (But, semi-spoiler-alert, I was not pleased with the ending of LTWB at all!)

Seeing... the pic of my older brother and my mom sharing one last dinner before she moves away (from him, but closer to me & my sister!) made me tear up. I am so grateful that they were able to do that, and I just love my brother. 

Falling... head over heels for the tree in front of our house. It is the most beautiful color in October, and it feels like a gift.  It always makes me think of Anne of Green Gables saying, "I'm so glad I live in a world with Octobers." 

***