around here: week 24 2021

 {June 6-12th}

{32 weeks pregnant/Spring 2008}

 

Finished... reading The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah.  I was disappointed majorly in this book.  I ended up giving it only two stars.  I was invested in the story, but certain parts of it were so rushed!! It was awful. Uncomfortable and unrealistic.

Reading... Meg & Jo by Virginia Kantra and rereading The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison.  Meg & Jo is a modern retelling of the sisters from Little Women, and I am reading it in preparation of Beth & Amy, which I preordered and have been looking forward to for a year. 
The Gift of an Ordinary Day is the most comforting book about motherhood, offering little insights & inspiration on every page. 

Starting... our next book club book, The Book of Lost Friends, and liking it more than I thought I would.  It's a huge book, so I'm going to have to read my heart out to get it finished before book club next week!!

Making... a hard phone call to address some big emotions and feeling proud of myself for doing it. I used to avoid confrontation at all costs, but my counselor brought it to my attention and said to me:
"So you avoid confrontation to keep other people from feeling uncomfortable, but then you feel uncomfortable?" I was like, Oh Em Gee. She's right. I am sacrificing my needs to keep others happy.  And that's no way to live.

Celebrating... Logan & Jack's 13th birthday with a family party at my mom's house and hosting a fight (Logan Paul and Floyd Mayweather) for the twins and some of the guys at our house.  We ordered chicken wings, and I made cupcakes.  They had a great time.  Logan got a punching bag for him and Jack and they were thrilled.  

Enjoying... a tea party with Carly one morning after I had told her I couldn't play because I was paying bills and she said, "I wish you were my sister," because I told her that moms have to work. It's just a fact of life. 
Clever girl.

Finding... Josh crawling into bed at 5:30am Sunday morning after working through the night on his car with his brother.  His car is done, it's fixed, and we are all so thrilled! Way to go, guys!

Taking... Carly to (drive through) kindergarten round up, where she got to meet her four (potential) kindergarten teachers, and was given a pack of activities for summer/school prep.  It got her so pumped.  As we drove home, she said, "I'm not going to be able to sleep a wink tonight! I'm too excited!" Gosh I love her enthusiasm.  

Experiencing... anxiety Tuesday & Wednesday about the future. Specifically about Carly starting kindergarten and whether Josh was going to expect me to go back to work or not.  I had to remind myself that I am safe with Josh, and asked him what his expectations were for the fall.  He was so kind, ever my soft place to land, and assured me that he does not expect me to return to the workforce.  He is worried that my anxiety or depression might get the best of me with no kids here to keep me on routine, so he wants me to be sure I'm taking care of myself, but otherwise, he is 100% fine with me continuing my role as a stay at home mom.  
The relief that came from having that conversation is immeasurable. 

Joining... my book club ladies in a health challenge.  Each week we are encouraged to workout, eat our fruits & veggies, drink plenty of water (along with some other things) and keep track of the points we have accumulated.  We each donated $20 to a pot, and whoever gets the most points, will win that!  I am not doing every thing I can to earn every single point, but instead am slowly building what healthy habits I'm doing each week.  64 ounces of water each day the first week, working out the second week, etc. 

Attending... Wyatt's last baseball practice where he got a pizza party and trophy.  While he palled around with his teammates, Carly and I played at the park and I got some super cute pictures of her. 

Hanging... out with Samuel & Josh on Thursday after the kids had gone to bed, and it was so fun.  Those guys are FUNNY and they make me feel relaxed, in the moment, and funny myself.  

Grateful... for Josh's last day this Friday.  What a year it has been!! Our kids, meanwhile, have another week left, and we are over it.  Because of that, I let Wyatt stay home Friday.  He took a mental health day, and it was much (MUCH) needed.  We are all OVER IT and I may be counting down to summer more enthusiastically than the kids are. 

Logging on... to Doctor on Demand to meet with my counselor, and talking about:

• the hard conversation I had this week
• my anxiety about Carly going to school & what it means for my future as a SAHM
• focusing on body positivity

She said speaking up for myself is a way of maintaining my own integrity, and that she was proud of me for having the hard phone convo.  She was also proud that I talked to Josh about his expectations for next year because it was bothering me so much to not know. 

We ended our session deciding that I needed to spend some time immersed in researching the value of stay-at-home-mothers since I tend to devalue what I do. 

In case you are a stay-at-home mom questioning your own value, I will cite what I found on verywellfamily.com

• My focus is 100% on my family
• I am able to spend time with my spouse
• Time invested raising kids
• Cleaning the house
• Running our life/calendar
• I make life easier for my spouse
• I make life smoother for my kids
• I don't miss out on milestones
• I am in charge of setting & keeping our family traditions
• I am there every step of the way
• I am my children's first, most influential teacher
• Duties included:
•     nurse
•     chauffeur
•     chef
•     teacher
•     playmate
•     housekeeper
•     school involvement/volunteering
•     laundry attendant
•     accountant
•     baby sitter
•     organizer
•     planner
•     grocery shopper
•     counselor
•     pet keeper
•     socializer
•     routine keeper
• What makes it hard includes:
•     No sick pay
•     No vacation
•     I am ALWAYS on duty, 24/7

In conclusion, the article said I do contribute to my family, I just don't contribute a paycheck.  If I were paid for my work as a SAHM, the website said I would make $143,102 per year for all that I do. 

(Please, please, please, if you are a working mom, do not take this to mean that any of this is not ALSO true for you. It is. You do all of this AND have a job outside the home on top of that.  I am impressed by you and am cheering for you! I just needed to dig into what it is I do here so I could feel a little better about what I am adding to our household. xoxo)

Walking... with my friend Becky and loving the time we share because it doesn't feel like exercise. It just feels like time with my girlfriend, chatting about life. It's awesome!

Planning... Wyatt's birthday pool party and feeling disbelief that he will be ten.

Dressing up... to go out with my bestie and her friends at Michael's on the Lake for her birthday.  We had the best time- great food, amazing dessert, and even better company.  Gosh, I am always so grateful for social time.

Writing... a post about rocking chairs, and what it's like to reach the end of that era of my life. It feels surreal that the part of my life I looked most forward to (having babies and raising toddlers) is already over.  Thankfully this stage is lots more fun than I would have imagined, but there is still a mourning in letting go of what has passed. 

Joining... my writing group (Mine To Tell) and writing about our bedroom in Alaska.  It was a great jumping off point for much of my story, which has me excited about what is to come. (Mine To Tell is a writing group with leaders Kathy & Ashmae, that meets on Tuesdays to write and gives you access to all sorts of writing courses they've made in the past. It's helping me get in touch with "Shelly", as opposed to "Logan, Jack, Wyatt & Carly's mom", and reminds me how much I love writing. I am loving it.)

Loving... the kids doing the dishes each day.  It's funny, but as they have gotten older, it's gotten harder for me (somehow) to keep up with the daily chores. I feel constantly behind on laundry and dishes, so having them jump into a rotation (Logan, Jack, Wyatt, repeat) of loading the dishwasher and unloading it, has relieved the burden on my shoulders a lot. 

***

{I needed this message this week!}

My kids have started guarding me from the other kids if I'm eating and they know I'm hangry.  It is equal parts sad and AWESOME. "No! Don't interrupt her. She needs to eat!" 

{Hate how accurate this is}

I bought myself this sweatshirt.
To remind myself:
"I'm doing THE BEST I can"

***

Week 25 Around Here {2019}

{My unread shelf}

{Time for a haircut!!!}

Waking up... and celebrating Wyatt's 8th birthday with a donut cake, which was the brilliant brain child of my sister, who wanted to make Wyatt's birthday special even though we had plans in Vancouver on his big day.  He loved the donut cake (... let's be honest, we ALL did!) and was thrilled to start the day celebrating.

Attending... my cousin Savanna's wedding shower, which was so lovely.  I was so happy to see her and her fiance, Deric, as well as her sister Alix.  I hadn't seen Alix's house yet, and really enjoyed seeing where she lives with her hubby and baby boy. 

Loving... getting ready for the shower with my mom and sister in the same bathroom.  It was just so fun to do our hair and make up together, asking opinions on clothes and jewelry... I have missed that since I got married so many years ago.  It makes me happy we still get the opportunity to do that once in a while.

Seeing... our beloved Annie & her brother James while visiting my mom.  She has grown so much, and it was so good for my heart to see her and hold her and play with her.  I bought her love with candy (like any good auntie would!) and loved seeing her laugh about our green tongues.  It was hard to say goodbye, but I love knowing my mom is in her life & such a loving presence for her and her sweet brother.

Road tripping... back home after nearly a week with our parents and two of our kiddos in Vancouver.  It ended up being such a lovely, lovely trip, and I am so glad Roxanne and Josh invited/encouraged me to go.  It was just what I needed to kick off the summer.

Trying... a new hair style with my new hair wand I got at Ulta.  I joked with my sister that my hair style has been "1990 soccer mom" style for my whole life (#butseriously) and it's time for a change.  I still need to get the hang of it, but I am determined to not get stagnant in the beauty department.  Repeat after me: Change is good. Change is good. Change is good.  Right???

Taking... Jack and Carly to the water park on Monday afternoon while Josh's mom had Logan and Wyatt.  It was a nice slow warm up to the summer spent there, and gave us a chance to see how Carly would do.  She LOVED it, and with her floaty life vest, we see her swimming in no time!

Getting... Wyatt to the orthodontist for an early morning appointment, and then taking him and Carly to my friend's house (thanks, Crystal!) so I could go to counseling since Josh worked and the twins were at the land with Grandma & Papa.

Suffering... a 36 hour migraine this week that was a DOOZY.  I get them with my cycle sometimes, and this one would.not.quit. It was seriously the worst.  But I took my meds as needed and pressed on, because life just keeps on a-going, and ain't no one got time for migraines.  Especially when Josh had to work Tuesday through Sunday this week!

Talking... about overeating at counseling, and seeing how I think of it as rewarding myself, but in actuality I am punishing myself by getting so stuffed that I feel gross and sort of hate myself.  It's a vicious cycle. 
I have seen some improvement when I am able to feel my feelings as they come, which requires a lot of staying present, but is totally worth the effort.
I'll get there.
Small steps.

Feeling... like a champion (seriously, I wanted a trophy & confetti) after getting the twins to their dentist appointment (hooray for no cavities!), running errands to three stores and the post office with all 4 kids, and putting away all the groceries while suffering the last bits of that 36 hour migraine.  I felt like Superwoman.  Or at least SuperMom.  Hah. 
But with my migraines it's like, I can suffer here on the couch, or I can suffer while I'm getting shit done. Sometimes I let myself loaf on the couch.  And that's fine.  But one can only loaf so much when there are mouths to feed and a birthday party to plan and teeth to get checked. So I bucked up, and took one for the team. #goshelly

Thankful... that the boys are all old enough to leave me alone during nap time when I need it.  After our crazy morning running errands with a migraine, I ate lunch with Carly, laid her down for a nap, and then went and took one myself.  I was exhausted. The boys were so good, letting me rest and taking care of each other.  It made me so proud and grateful.

Adoring... the way Carly and Wyatt watch the garden grow.  And really all the plants around our house.  They are so fascinated with the bugs and the bees and love to help water everything to make it grow.  They love to check the plants in the garden and see if any fruits or veggies are starting to sprout yet.  We have a few Zucchini starting and they are just pumped! It's so sweet! 

Reading... Harry's Trees, which is a great read about two widowed people whose lives end up entertwined in a kind of magical way, and listening to Before Green Gables (my new favorite!) and Love You Hard, which is also so good and very inspiring.  If you want to be grateful for your life, listen to Love You Hard.  The author's tenacity is incredible.  And if you love Anne of Green Gables, you simply HAVE to read Before Green Gables.  My friend Theresa recommended it, and I am so grateful.  It was such a fantastic book to start the summer with on audible loan from the library.

Giving... the boys their summer haircuts.  They hate me now (at least the twins do) but I can't stand their long hair in the summer, all full of sweat. So, summer haircuts it is! #sorrynotsorry

Throwing... a birthday party for Logan & Jack's 11th birthday with their friends, including batting practice with the pitching machine (thank you, Josh!) and a water fight, plus cupcakes.  Win-win-win.  The kids had a great time, and I really enjoyed watching them play ball together- it reminded me of The Sandlot, which made me smile; and Jack said it was his best birthday EVER.

Praying... for my bestie who had surgery this week.  She was in amazing shape post-surgery and now begins the long recovery process.  I am so proud of how brave she has been and am praying she will recover quickly.  I stayed with her one night in the hospital so her husband could get some rest, and I felt so blessed to be able to be there for her like that.  It's truly a gift when people let you in, and let you be there for them during hard & vulnerable times, and I am blessed to have a friendship like this one. I love you, girl!!!

Laughing... when Carly told me (vehemently) that she wanted to call and tell Grandma about "the Pocahontas" she had seen.  I was all, "What Pocahontas?" and she was all, "Not POKE-ahontas, HOKE-ahontas... you know! That we saw in the yard?"
Lately she's been talking a lot about ghosts and shadows and heaven and death, so when she started talking about seeing something in the yard she wanted to talk about with grandma and I didn't know what she was talking about, I was pretty freaked out.
Finally she said, SUPER exasperated with me, "You know! The HOKE-ahontas we saw on the window!!!" with her hands all emphatic and irritated.  And then it clicked! She was trying to say "Praying Mantis" hahahahahah!
Earlier in the week we had seen a teeny tiny praying mantis on the front window and we went out front and held it, and then set it free in this plant they seem to love in our front yard.
Oh that poor girl trying to get me to understand her.  No wonder she was so frustrated.

Shopping... with all four kids at Walmart Friday morning (against my better judgment) because they had birthday money burning holes in their pockets, and I brought my book, so I could read while they shopped. Ha!  Seriously, I just read Harry's Trees while they ran up and down the aisles at Walmart and finally decided what they wanted. It was the best thing ever.

Breaking... my book buying ban and getting We Are Okay for myself at Walmart.  It had been a long week, with my migraine, and my friends' surgery and just, life... so I rewarded myself with a book.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, but for now I am cutting myself some slack.  It's one book, and there are sure a lot of worse transgressions I could be worried about.

Playing... at the park after a picnic and really enjoying it.  I loved the simplicity of taking the kids to the park with bags of sandwiches & chips, and seeing how much fun we could make it.  It reminded me that having a fun summer isn't necessarily about doing anything big or fancy, but about doing small things each day with intention.
So I decided that each day I am going to try and do something FUN with the kids.  Some days that may just be pulling out the Play Doh and playing with them for ten minutes making 'cupcakes', and other days it may be going kayaking as a family, but if I have at least one FUN thing planned, I know that that Mom Guilt won't gnaw at me when we are busy doing NON-FUN things like cleaning out the garage or putting away laundry, because something fun is around the corner!

***

"I will rise up

And I will try again"

Yes, yes, yes.

***