Around Here: Week 34 2020

{August 16-22}

 

Growing... our little kitty right up. She is getting so big, so orange, and somehow less fluffy.  Her tail is at least 3x as long as it used to be, and while that is still fluffy, the rest of her hair is much shorter than it used to be.  When we got her she was more of a "peaches and cream" color, but as she has gotten older, she just keeps getting darker.  Some of her stripes are super dark orange and so gorgeous.  She is getting really tall, too, and can even get herself up on the boys' bunk beds, which delights them!
She likes to nurse on our sherpa blanket when we hold her and it's my favorite. 

Reading... The Two Lives of Lydia Bird; The Power of Vulnerability; Men, Women and Worthiness; Fierce, Free and Full of Fire; and The Princess Bride.  Whew! Big reading week!! 
The two by Brene Brown (Vulnerability & Worthiness) were so incredible and eye opening. The Power of Vulnerability covered a lot on shame, and talked about how we live in a culture of scarcity.  We wake up in the morning saying, "I didn't get enough sleep" and go bed saying, "I didn't get enough done." That really resonated with me and I am determined to change that mindset within myself. No wonder I constantly feel like a failure if that is how I am waking up and going to sleep.

Meeting... with my book club girls on Zoom and discussing The Giver of Stars.  I gave the book three stars, and I liked it okay, but it was a slow book, and I felt that The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek (which was also about the PackHorse Library) was so much better.

Feeling... shame about my weight that is not helping me with my emotional eating. When I took that face mask selfie in the bathroom mirror (see above) I couldn't believe how large I was. sigh.
I am going to be working on some self love mantras so I can appreciate this body for all she does for me and work on loving her, not loathing her.

Suffering... terrible anxiety.  Fear, terror, shaking, heart pounding, crying.  It has been miserable.  Josh heading back to work might have something to do with it, but I think mostly it is from not having control of anything lately, namely the boys' school experiences. I mean, yes, I could choose to send them back to school full time, but I don't feel like that's a good option for us, so it really isn't something I feel is a real choice.
I used to feel like I could do anything, but lately I don't have that "Wonder Woman" attitude.  I need a cape!!

Sharing... my struggle with anxiety on Facebook and Instagram and getting so much love. I am so grateful for my social media village who cheer me on from the sidelines when life gets hard.  And in my real life, I am grateful for my sister who came to visit and brought me a (decaf) caramel frappacino, and my sister-in-law who dropped a bag of humongous chocolate chip M&M cookies at my door one morning. She said hilariously, "I can't help you feel better, but I can help you eat those feelings." Haha! She gets me. I love her.

Remembering... to #seethegood (my goal for 2020) and trying to just enjoy small moments.  Bedtime with Carly is probably the easiest time for me to do this.  We read books together, sing songs and snuggle.  But I am also trying to enjoy little moments of peace throughout the day- watching a praying mantis in the yard with the kids, swimming in the pool with them, eating our dinner out front, etc. Staying in those moments and cherishing them helps keep the anxiety at bay.

Trying... to turn my anxiety and fear into gratitude as Brene Brown suggests.  When I get that tremor of terror as a thought of fear enters my mind, I instead use that moment to list all the things I am grateful for.  Example: I am checking Carly before I go to bed, making sure she's under the covers, all cozy and I suddenly think, "What if I lost her?!?" 
Instead of "going there", I think, "I am just so grateful she is here. I love when she hugs me with her arms tight around my neck and kisses me over and over and over.  I love how she says, "Mama love" when we're snuggling. I am so grateful I didn't give up hope after my miscarriages."
I try to replace the fear with gratitude.
I am retraining my brain. 

Aiming... to read 11 books in August.  I have only four more to go.  I have that as my goal because then I will be at 76 books so far in 2020, leaving me with 24 to read in four months, which averages out to six books per month, which feels doable with doing the whole distance learning/homeschooling four kids thing. Wish me luck. I really, really, really want to hit my 100 books in 2020 goal. 

Surviving... lots of migraines this week.  Thank God for my medicine.  For reals.

Grateful... for Tuesday & Wednesday when half the kids (alternating) went to Grandma's house.  Those days are so calm here (with only two kids) and we all enjoy a very chill day.  I usually blog or watch Grey's Anatomy. 

Sending... the twins off to work for my friend Shana, helping her organize her garage.  They were so excited for their first job making money, and I was so proud of them. And I'll be honest, it was great for me because I had the entire house to myself for a few hours.  The peace and calm I felt in those hours were unmatched.  I took a nap and it was the best sleep I've gotten in months. (Thanks Carol! Thanks Shana!)

Happy... that Carly is wearing her pink glasses again. They are so cute I can't stand it.

Enjoying... a break from the boys on Saturday while Josh took them to the land.  When he told me he was going to take them, though, my first thought was, "I don't deserve him.  Why is he so good to me?" Luckily I knew those weren't accurate thoughts, so I pushed them away and enjoyed the day with my girl.  We painted our nails and snuggled on the couch.  We read books and had lunch together.  It was the best day, and a much needed day off from full-on parenting where I could reset my spirit.

Asking... Carly who she loves the most in the whole world and melting into a puddle when she answered me before I had even finished asking the question: "Uncle Samuel. Because he holds me and reads to me and hugs me and loves me." Gah. To be loved by that girl is to experience the world at its best.

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around here: week 31 2020

{July 26-August 1}

{reading to Molly}

 

{Phoenix & Mrs. Cunningham}

{my boy}

{Carly's porcupine drawing}

Sending... the boys off with Josh to go shooting while Carly had a playdate with Liesel and Andrea.  They had so much fun and I really enjoyed the house to myself. (Time alone is my love language.)

Spending... time with cousins, swimming, talking, laughing, and making memories in the last few days Josh's sister was in town with her kids before they left.  I am so grateful for these days we had together (after our talk-which I shared last week), for us and for our kids.  So much magic.

Learning... that Josh's district has changed from in-person to online.  I'm glad this decision was made because I think it's safe based on the number of cases their county is still seeing, but I am disappointed for Josh who would (in a perfect world) rather teach in person.  It's such a different experience trying to reach kids through a screen.

Surviving... with Josh off in meetings all day Tuesday, starting with a consultation with a urologist for a vasectomy (we are so done having kids- quarantine confirmed this. hah!) and followed by a meeting with his fourth grade teaching team while the twins were off at the land with Grandma, Papa & Alvin.

Attending... book club to choose our next six months of books.  We ended up deciding on Prairie Lotus, The Giver of Stars, The Princess Bride, Lila, Mindset and Grace Where You Are.  I'm especially excited for Lila, which is part of a trilogy (Gilead, Home & Lila) I ordered used from Powell's and have heard about from multiple people I follow on Bookstagram & in the blogging world.  I can't wait to dive in!

Grateful... that Josh took Molly to the vet for me after his meeting with his student teacher so I could stay & play with Shana and her kids.  She is good on shots and appointments until she is old enough to get spayed. It's nice to have that done.

Enjoying... a pool playdate with  my bestie & her kids on Wednesday.  She brought pizza for lunch and then we let the kids swim.  They had a lot of fun together, and I love her kids.  They're so cute!

Doing... laundry like a madwoman while Carly & Wyatt were at the land Thursday.  Between loads I also managed to get a nap and some downtime, which was lovely.

Feeling... proud of Carly as she worked through her emotions about a dead porcupine she saw in the parking lot at Dollar Tree with Grandma Carol this week.  When she saw it she asked, "Why is it out of nature?" She's so smart and curious.  When I chatted with her about it, she was adamant that it was not dead, just seemed dead, so we concluded that the woman "helping" it was taking it to the vet.  She's so tenderhearted.

Hearing... the devastating news that one of my students from my days as a staff assistant (pre-kids) has passed away.  Phoenix was my boy.  He was the one who made me come in on days when I didn't want to.  He is the one who made me want to do a better job, be a better person, make the world a better place.  I truly cannot believe he is dead. I feel awful for his mom and his brothers.
His loss has hit me harder than I could have ever imagined.  I am so grateful his mom thought to reach out and find me (thank you, Facebook) to let me know that he's gone, and to let me know the impact I had on him.  Because he certainly had an impact on me.

Packing... for our trip to Vancouver Friday amidst reading journals of my time with Phoenix back in 2006.  My favorite was finding an entry about him (in first grade) informing the teacher that George Washington had wooden teeth during his presidency... you know, back when the dinosaurs were alive. Haha! He was such a joy. Always making me laugh or think deep thoughts.

Quietly... enjoying chicken bacon pizza Josh made with tomatoes and onion from our garden while we watched The Martian, a lovely reprieve from my thoughts and sadness about Phoenix.

Leaving... for Vancouver and looking forward to a lovely visit with my parents.

Starting... an Instagram reading account and feeling so happy about it. I feel like such a nerd for the amount of joy it brings me. Please check it out if you enjoy reading or want recommendations. I'd love to talk books there with you! @shellyreadsbooks

Contemplating... getting a tattoo in honor of Phoenix.  I currently have no tattoos, and am the only one in my family of origin who doesn't have one.  My parents both have them, my sister and brother have them, and my youngest brother is actually a tattoo artist. It's funny... but not having a tattoo (in my family)  makes me the black sheep. Hah!
I was telling Josh that I just feel like I want to do something permanent to show that Phoenix had an impact on me.  I'm not sure if I will go through with it. And I don't know what I would get it, but it's something I'm considering. I am thinking of either a black phoenix like I have posted above (below the pictures of him) or his name in tiny cursive somewhere.

(His family has a gofundme to help with funeral costs & getting his body from Florida, where he died from complications of heat stroke, back home to Washington. If you want to donate, I've included the link.)

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2006 Baby Name List

While reading through my old journals to find nuggets of time with Phoenix I had recorded, I found this list of names.  I didn't know or remember that Carly was a name I liked before I was pregnant with her.  That made me smile.

When I was pregnant with the twins, their names would have been Bailey Renee (or Bailey Kate) and Claire Ariella if they had been girls. And Logan would have been Landon, but I knew of a girl whose baby Landon had died traumatically, so that name made me think of him, and I switched to Logan, after Mary Ann's boyfriend in The Baby-Sitter's Club.  And Josh said he didn't want a "junior" so we just named Jack Jack, no junior.  But I did use Sawyer and Henry as middle names for the twins.

So fun to look at.

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