Boyfriends & Girlfriends

I've written here about my leaving the church for a boy, about my talking to the twins about sex, and about a million other things in between.  So I thought I'd pop in to also share my recent thoughts on fourth grade dating.

From the time the twins were born, I had planned on letting them date when they turned sixteen, which was how Josh was raised.  He was not allowed to have girlfriends until then.  That was my plan.  Then the twins started the fourth grade and I was constantly hearing talk of girlfriends and boyfriends and crushes and heartbreak among all the 8 & 9 year olds and I started to have a feeling that my stance on dating was not right.

I don't know why I felt that way.  I don't know why it wasn't right, but I knew that my rule wasn't how I really felt, it was what I thought was the right answer.  It's not what I really wanted for my kids.  So I had a heart to heart with Josh, telling him that I wanted to let our boys date now and have open communication with us about it, as opposed to saving it for later or having them hide it.  He agreed that that seemed like the right thing for our family and we told the boys.

Since then, the twins have each had a couple of girlfriends and different crushes, and both have individually confided in me about handholding, which I would have missed out on if I had forbidden them.  We have even had one situation where one twin wanted to date a girl that the other brother *adored* and we let it ride knowing the boys would figure it out.  Sure enough, they did, and Josh and I discussed how grateful we were that they are figuring this out now, so that at sixteen, when there is so much more on the line, these are waters they've already navigated together. 

Them being twins muddies the waters in so many ways.  Dating, birthday parties, playdates... And the struggle is, I don't always know what the answer is.  Do I forbid them from hurting each other? From dating someone their brother likes? Do I call parents and request that the uninvited twin be invited to a party? Do I force the twin who invited a friend over to let their brother play with their friend? Some answers are obvious (only the twin whose name is on the invite gets to go to the birthday party) but other things (like playdates at our house) are less obvious.  So a lot of it, I'm making up as I go along.

But this dating thing is something I feel really good about.  I am happy to be walking our boys through all this slowly, naturally, as it happens, and without shame.  I will admit that I am probably overthinking it, because I had so many restrictions placed on me by my church when it came to dating relationships when I was a young woman, but I want to approach this part of parenting very thoughtfully.  So I'm okay with that. 

This morning on the drive to school I was talking to Jack about a girl that he was dating, but is no longer dating but he said that they were still friends.  I told him that was good because the cool thing about friends is you don't have to break up.  He said, "Well, that's not exactly true, mom."  I asked what he meant and he said matter of factly, "You kind of break up... if you end up on my "Dead To Me" list." Then he burst out laughing.

Oh man!

These kids keep me on my toes, that's for sure.

 Hah!

***

14 years {the Coke anniversary}

Yesterday was our (unofficial, doesn't really count) dating anniversary.  April 11th was the day I told Josh I wanted to officially be his girlfriend.  The rest, as they say, is history.  

Three short years later we were married, and five years after that we became parents.

Now fourteen years in, there are things in our life we still can't believe:

We have identical twins.

We have three children.

We live in rural Alaska.

... And perhaps most shocking, Josh spent $31.00 on a 24 pack of Coke for me at the gas station yesterday afternoon!  Nearly three times what it would have cost back in Washington.

What can I say? He still loves me.

A Time (or two) I Screwed Up

Write about a time you screwed up- a mistake you made.

Is he mormon?

I look back and think, "Really? That was my question?" There were so many other important questions to ask. Questions that would have been important, should have been important, to me as I fell in love with him and imagined a future together.

Is he a good guy?
Does he smoke weed?
Is he a partier?
Does he value family?
Is he a hard worker?
Can he love me wholly?

Thankfully God had my back on this one.  He hand picked Josh for me.  So of course, he was a good guy, a hard worker with family values.  He wasn't a partier, never so much as touched a joint, and most importantly, he was able, is able, to love me wholly.

As I look back on my life, I see mostly good decisions.  I see mostly well thought out and executed plans that have gotten me where I am today.  But that, my inability to see past his religion, past my religion, that haunts me.  (To read the whole story, see Part Two of my Life Story.)

---

Church has been heavy on my heart lately.  Or rather what happened with my church.  And why church sometimes doesn't work.  And today I remembered the most disturbing evening I shared with a friend ten years ago.

We had met at work in 2003 and instantly clicked. We were besties. In the end, our friendship was short lived once we were both let go after the holiday season, but those few brief months together, sitting back to back, placing flower orders, we were overjoyed to have each other.  

We were both in the newlywed part of our marriage and not doing much but enjoying life.  One evening the four of us (she & her husband, and me & mine) went to a Christian event sponsored by her church.  Josh ended up leaving, he didn't feel well and wasn't able to shake it, but I stayed on, flanking my friend on one side, her husband on the other.

After some worship music and a brief message from a highly respected professor at Multnomah Bible College, the floor came open for questions.  My friend, who had suffered a miscarriage because of lymphoma and the following treatment a year earlier, asked the man if God had been punishing her (with the cancer and the loss of her baby) for having pre-marital sex.

"No. No. No," I was silently willing him to say the words I knew were true.  "No, our God is not a vindictive God. No, God would never purposefully hurt you because of sin you have since repented.  No, you are wonderful and He loves you."  

Instead he sat, thinking for an uncomfortable amount of time, then launched into this hell & brimstone talk about how sin dominates our world and all that ugliness comes back on us. Basically, he said to her, "Yes. Yes, God was punishing you for getting carried away with your emotions when you were eighteen by killing your baby and putting your life in jeopardy."

I was stunned. So stunned in fact that I didn't talk about it with my friend.  This powerful, heartless man moved on to other questions and by the time we got in the car to go home, our conversation had drifted on to something else.  

I have since lost contact with this friend.  And I will forever regret not telling her, "No. No way that the God I know, who loves me like I love my babies, would ever, ever purposefully crush your dreams by giving you cancer and taking away your baby.  He would never. Oh, and also, I love you."

---

I am thankful to be where I am now. Open and accepting of others' beliefs, able to know what I believe is true and not shove it down anyone's throats.  To know that God is love, and if you love someone, God is there.  Just like he was when Josh and I  met. And just like he was there when my friend & her husband suffered like they did.

"Faith is a knowledge within the heart,

beyond the reach of proof."

-Kahlil Gibran

Memories

A memory you would love to relive.

I have pondered this for days. 

If I could go back in time to any point in my life, where would I go? 

What would I do? What moments would I like to relive?

It's impossible to decide.

• I would go back to Josh and I dating, the very beginning when everything was new & exciting, and I was all butterflies.

• I would go back to the moment we found out we were expecting twins.

{34 weeks with twins}

• I would go back to those first few crazy weeks with the twins and make sure I squished them up properly.

• I would go back to being pregnant (with the twins or Wyatt) and I would feel those tiny legs squirming inside me.  I would feel those first faint flutters of amazing and revel in it.  I would go back to that moment in time when my body housed three, and I would marvel at the miracle of it.

{32 weeks with the twins}

• I would go back to those four days in the hospital with Wyatt, when Josh and I got to pretend we were a family of three (which we never had been) and cherish every moment.

~

But really, if I'm being honest, I don't feel the need to travel back in time.  

I am content right here & now.  

And that feels good.

A Decade of Marriage

It began when we were sixteen & seventeen years old.

Two high schoolers with the world at our fingertips.

I knew, within a month of meeting him, that I would marry him.

He was my other half.

So August 8, 2002, when he proposed after two years of dating, I said "Yes."

And one year after that, August 8, 2003, I said "I do."

---

We have made it through some rough patches.

College. 

Unemployment.

Moving.

Pregnancy Pregnancies.

Infant twins.

Relocating to rural Alaska.

...things like that.

Yet here we are, ten years, four degrees and three babies later, better than ever.

We live a charmed life.

Our secret? Laughter.

Just when it's getting crazy with work, the house, the kids... we laugh.

I have Josh to thank for that.

He is my laughter.

"In the sweetness of friendship,

let there be laughter,

and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things

the heart finds its morning,

and is refreshed."

-Kahlil Gibran