around here: week 36 2020

"It is a serious thing 

just to be alive

on this fresh morning

in this broken world."

-Mary Oliver

Giving up... Grey's Anatomy as I found myself pondering whether it's a good show for me to watch given my health anxiety.  I love the show... but I love my sanity more. So for now, I am shelving it. I am going to rewatch all of When Calls the Heart so that I can watch Seasons 6 & 7, which are new to me!

Reading... Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, The Perfect Couple and Forget Me Not.  The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting was a good read, but the Power of Vulnerability was better.  The Perfect Couple has been a great Hilderbrand summer read (of course!) and Forget Me Not I read in one day! It was a super good YA that I enjoyed. 

Cultivating... art in the kids, per Brene Brown's advice.  Trying to let them paint and draw (despite the mess!) to their little heart's content! 

Loving... the boys playing Brawlhalla together on the PS4. There was so much laughter coming from that room. Mama heart full. 

Suffering... bad anxiety.  Thankfully my sister helped me through, encouraging me to call my doctor to increase my Prozac and get a refill of my as-needed meds. (I take Ativan) The doctor approved both (thank goodness!) and I was able to start them right away. I am proud of how quickly I respond to my mental health needs now. Years ago (when we lived in Alaska) it would take me a long time to acknowledge how bad things were or that I needed help.  Now I am much more likely to reach out and to try things to get better faster. 

Scheduling... Josh's vasectomy for the beginning of November. My IUD will hit Year #5 in February and need to come out, so we are going for the permanence of a vasectomy. In some ways it's hard to believe my baby-bearing days are over, but in other ways, I am loving this stage of life so much, I can't imagine it any other way. So I feel confident that we are done and that this is the right choice. Thanks for taking one for the team, Josh!

Picking... flowers from our yard with Carly and feeling blown away by the variety of color and beauty we have grown in this yard in only one year. I can't wait to see what next year holds!!

Doing... load after load of laundry.  Whooo! Getting the boys to do their own laundry is definitely up next on the list of things to teach them. They throw their own loads in occasionally, but rarely switch it and don't know exactly how to put in soap and start it up. I think that will be one of my fall goals. 

Packing... for Vancouver and feeling blown away by how much the kids are able to help now compared to years past. Even Carly can go run little errands and grab things for me as I'm packing. It's basically awesome. 

Grateful... that Samuel showed up to help load the car and drive us to Othello to meet Josh after work, and that our subsequent drive to Vancouver was so smooth and fast.  We only stopped once for dinner and to use the bathroom (the same stop!) and we were back on the road so quick!! We did, however notice lots of smoke throughout the gorge from fires in and around Washington and Oregon. Made the sun look super orange.

Enjoying... a day to myself while Josh took the kids to play with their cousins at his sister's house. I spent some time visiting with my parents; journaling and reading.  It was really good to take some time to write, spilling all my feelings onto those pages and catching up.  The quiet time does wonders for my anxiety.  I also made some lists of how I want the fall to look, for both myself and the kids, and I feel a lot more prepared for what's to come. 

Thankful... that my mom took Logan for some one on one time to the Nike Outlet and out for dinner at Red Lobster (and even bought me shoes!!) and that the rest of us had fun while they were gone. Dallas and Bri stopped by, spoiling us with art supplies for the boys and a new sequin stuffed animal for Carly; and Isaiah stopped by with a surprise gift for Wyatt- he gave him his old xbox! Wyatt was literally speechless! It was so sweet!

Comforting... Carly as she was sad that I'm still reading the boys their chapter book. (Josh and I take turns putting Carly to bed and putting the boys to bed.  Right now he is putting Carly to bed and I am putting the boys to bed after I read to them from our readaloud chapter book- The Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus) We are really enjoying the book, but I will be glad when it's my turn to sing Carly to sleep again. She's such a sweetheart. 

***

"She was powerful,

not because she wasn't scared,

but because she went on so strongly

despite the fear."

-Harper Lee

***

around here: week 10 2020

Enjoying... our last morning in Cannon Beach.  We had delicious breakfast on Day Two, then packed up & headed home to our crew.

Driving... home in under six hours, which felt miraculous.  Also, the drive felt super fast, which was unexpected.  It's crazy how much less stressful driving long distances is without children. I realize as I write that it sounds really stupid (duh! Traveling without kids is easy!) but I haven't traveled without kids for a long time, and I forgot that it can kind of be enjoyable.  Hah!

Getting... some great hugs when we arrived home Sunday.  Carly especially was overjoyed to see us.

Prepping... for Monday and the week ahead by cleaning house and unpacking from our trip.

Dealing.... with unhappy children come Monday morning and enduring a never ending eye twitch as the week progressed.  Really missing the beach...

Taking... Carly to her four year appointment and getting her vaccines (she was due for two) and then taking Logan to his neurologist appointment in Spokane on Tuesday.  I was crazy-nervous to go to Spokane and meet with his neurologist because Spokane is where they are housing some of the people with Coronavirus (in an isolation unit) at the same hospital where he sees his specialist.
I was able to overcome my anxiety about it, though, knowing that the few cases present were in isolation and that we needed to meet with her to discuss his medication levels (we are going to lower them a little to bring them to a safer level) and they wouldn't have us come if it weren't safe.
On the drive home we stopped at Love's (a huge truck stop) for a potty break and Carly fell in love with a huge bubba (what my kids call stuffed animals) and I, being a pushover, bought it for her. ;) She was so brave for her shots, and was such a good girl during Logan's appointment, I couldn't say no. She named her "Kiki" and is in love.

Wanting... to just BE lately.  So much so that on the drive home from Spokane, I didn't even listen to a story like I usually do.  I just drove and thought and prayed, and enjoyed the peaceful feeling of Carly sleeping in the back seat.

Worrying... over many things and feeling that it's the whole "straw that broke the camel's back" situation.  No one thing is HUGE and overwhelming, but all the things together feels like a LOT.  I'm worrying about sleep, finances, the kids' anxiety, my own rising anxiety, some extended family situations I can't go into, Coronavirus, having no stockpile and how we are so woefully unprepared.

Stocking up... with Jack's help after school one evening.  I feel so much better now that I know we have some food in our cupboards & pantry.  It's not perfect, but it's something.

Letting... Wyatt attend a mid-week birthday party for a classmate at the bowling alley.  He had SO much fun and even won a light up yo-yo and a real Lava Lamp!  Josh used to have a Lava Lamp collection. They were his favorite.

Changing... days for Carly to go with Grandma from Thursday to Tuesday since she's heading out of town, and taking a much needed nap.  I know that whenever my anxiety is rising, the best thing I can do for myself is sleep.  That feels counterintuitive, as crossing things off my to-do list seems like it would be more anxiety-reducing, but years of experience have taught me that if I am well rested, I am better able to talk myself down, which is a huge part of keeping my panic at bay.

Reading... I am I am I am on audio, Miramar Bay for book club and starting Red, White & Royal Blue from Book of the Month. I am I am I am was a fun listen, and reminded me of all the ways our lives are miracles. I especially related to her miscarriages.  Miramar Bay was a fine story, but the characters weren't super well developed and the story line didn't hold my interest. Just an "okay" story for me.  I am only a few pages into Red, White & Royal Blue, so I will have to report back!

Attending... book club Tuesday night, which was lovely, as always. I adore those ladies so much.  Unfortunately for me, the book was "meh"... but that's alright.

Washing... load after load of laundry, and thinking I'm going to join a few of my friends who have been keeping track of how many loads they do every month in April. I truly have no idea, I just know I always have some going and it.never.ends. I wonder if it's 40? 60?

Watching... Babies on Netflix and legit taking notes like the absolute nerd I am.  So much fascinating research being done on hormones and breastmilk and bonding and brains... I think every parent should watch it!

Laughing... as Carly continually sings "Old Town Road" while mounting the couch, table or her siblings and pretending they're all horses. She's so hilarious.

Sending... the twins off to Vancouver to see my parents while Josh picks up his new car with his brother this weekend.  The four of them took off Friday afternoon and I took Carly & Wyatt to Lego time at the library.  They had a blast. 

Making... homemade play dough on Saturday and hosting a sleepover in my bed (I actually ended up sleeping in Carly's bed #momlife) after movie night.  The kids loved it.  We rented two movies for the weekend since it was just the three of us.  We watched Frozen II and Playing with Fire. The kids enjoyed both.  I was also thrilled this weekend to find colored chalk for $1 at Dollar Tree for Carly's chalk board! So fun!

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