Mama

This Mother's Day I am loving this post about motherhood

 that my friend Ashley tagged me in on Instagram 

that I think everyone should read.  

I've decided to share it here:

Mama, I see you ⁣
I see how you worry, Mama ⁣
I see how afraid you are of this big world ⁣
I know how you wonder, Mama⁣
Will she be safe, will he fit in⁣
I know how the fear can swirl ⁣
⁣
Mama, I see you⁣
how you feel alone ⁣
Isolated in your home ⁣
Or in your 9 to 5⁣
I see you working to the bone ⁣
⁣
⁣
Mama, I see you ⁣
Missing your baby ⁣
The one you couldn’t keep⁣
And oh, how you weep ⁣
I see you ⁣
Wrapped in the pain⁣
Tears falling like rain ⁣
⁣
Mama, I see you ⁣
The ache in your heart ⁣
the hurt and the scars ⁣
It tears you apart ⁣
no babes in your arms ⁣
The longing you feel ⁣
The waiting is real ⁣
Will it ever end? ⁣
I see you, my friend ⁣
⁣
I see you, Mama⁣
When you feel you’re too much ⁣
Or you’re never enough ⁣
When you try to find your tribe ⁣
And you only come up dry ⁣
⁣
⁣
Mama I see you ⁣
When you make a mistake ⁣
When you cause hurt and pain ⁣
When anxiety tells you it can’t be erased ⁣
⁣
I see you Mama⁣
in the yelling and rage ⁣
When you try to overcome ⁣
your own childhood shame ⁣
When you want to be good ⁣
But you feel like a fake ⁣
When you try to break the cycle ⁣
And you mess up again ⁣
⁣
Mama I see you ⁣
And you know what I see? ⁣
I see beauty and goodness ⁣
and someone like me ⁣
I see a valiant warrior ⁣
with a heart soft as mink ⁣
⁣
I see a woman showing up ⁣
who they cannot sink ⁣
I see your fire, your fury ⁣
Your refusal to shrink ⁣
⁣
And you are LOVED LOVED LOVED ⁣
And you shine and you shine ⁣
And Heaven looks down upon you ⁣
And says ⁣
“This girl is mine.”⁣
⁣
I love you, Mama. 
Wrote this for you

-Heather Schieder

Deep Thoughts Post-School Clothes Shopping

I made the decision to take each of my three boys school shopping alone.  First Wyatt, then Jack and finally Logan.  It's honestly the best decision I've made in a while.  

It was the perfect opportunity to spend a little extra time one on one with each of my boys, and to try and wrap my head around the idea of them going to public school and growing up right before my eyes.

As we tried on jeans after pair of jeans, Jack confided in me that he was worried about Logan worrying about him.  As Logan chose which shirt would best match his new basketball shorts, he told me that it was good he and Jack would be in separate classrooms because then they wouldn't fight.  And as Wyatt chose which underwear he wanted (bugs or arrows) we discussed all the things he had to look forward to in kindergarten... New friends, choice time, and the chance to learn to read like his big brothers.

Funny enough, Wyatt seems the least worried of the three.  He's excited for school and feels really positive about it.  Jack is a little anxious about bullies and how Logan will fare.  Logan is, hands down, the most worried.  He's concerned about Jack making good choices without him there to enforce it (ha!), he's very worried about how Wyatt will do, and is also very focused on a fear of bullies.  (And thinking he will need to beat them up.) 

I think TV shows puff up the reality of bullies and have made my kids think they are a bigger problem than they are (at least at the third grade level), and I find it ironic that the same could be said of twins in the media.  The representation of twins is rarely accurate, usually leaning too far to either side of the truth (ie twins that are secret-language-sharing super-close or twins that despise each other and wish each other dead) when reality is somewhere in the middle of those extremes.  I imagine the truth about bullies is also somewhere in the middle.  Sure, there might be a trouble maker in the boys' classrooms, but it's unlikely he's going to flush their heads in the toilet or start a fist fight after lunch.

I have been praying a lot about their school experience, and when I start to worry, I tell myself that if it doesn't work out, I can always go back to homeschooling.  Just knowing I have options helps me keep calm.  But if I'm being honest, I really think school is going to be good for them.  Challenging and trying at times, but really good.  They need to stretch and grow in new ways.  Wyatt needs to learn to take direction from someone other than his parents; and the twins need the opportunity to develop as individuals.

As much as it kills me for my kids to have experiences separate from me, I know that part of being a good mom is knowing when to let go.  This is, by far, the most challenging part of parenting for me.  Baths, bedtime, feeding... dealing with incessant whining, laundry, the messes... those I can deal with much easier than I can deal with letting them spread their wings.

But I'm hoping that if I step back for just a moment, I'll get to witness a beautiful flight.

Mom to Kid Questions: Wyatt Nathanial

What do you love about mommy?
I love that you snuggle me and rock me.

What do you hate about mommy?
That you're having baby girl.

What activities do you want to do?
Play

When you're mad, what should I/can I do to help?
Umm, hug me and stuff.

When you're sad, what should I/can I do to help?
Help me feel better, I guess.

What challenges you?
School.

What scares you?
That there's a monster behind me.

What makes you feel brave?
Staying with you.

What's your favorite activity?
Playing.

What makes you happy?
Umm, what makes me happy is staying with you.  And daddy.

What makes you mad?
That I don't get to play.

What makes you sad?
Not staying with you.

What could make you happier?
Let me play.

What chores are good?  
Cleaning?

Could you do more?
I don't think so.

What rules do you hate?
I hate when they change.  I hate that we look at the toys and we don't look at them again.

What rules do you love?
I love that I get to play.  And not going without you.

***

Mom to Kid Questions: Jack Sawyer

What do you love about mommy?
That you make us delicious dinners.  It's true.  And that you let us stay up late with you.

What do you hate about mommy?
That you yell sometimes.  When you yell.  And when you grab.

What do you like about our days?
That we do pretty much every single thing that's fun every single day. Including school that's sometimes fun.  I like swimming.  I like when we have waffles.  When you let us watch TV.

What do you hate about our days?
When I have a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot of school work to do.  When Logan attacks me or breaks my stuff.  Like when he broke my necklace yesterday.  I don't like to read books or do quiet activities in the mornings.  I don't like to read when I wake up first thing in the morning.

How would you change our routine?
That we would do school at 12 in the night.  And we would sleep in the day.  And then we'd stay up all night while you're sleeping and eat candy and watch TV. And make popcorn.  And we would go to G6 every single day.

What do you want more of?
I kinda want more like writing in my journal and coloring pictures.  I would like to do practice in the evenings and we would do school in the morning.  And games at 9 in the morning.  Our bedtime routine would be at 8 instead of 7.

What activities do you want to do?
More TV, more quiet activities, make collages at home.
I would like more baseball and to do like hockey.
I would like to go to Nanny's a little bit more cause we barely go there.  We only go once a week.
I'd like to go more hiking and hunting and looking and exploring.

What would you like bedtime to look like?
Bedtime would be a quiet time and we would get our beds ready for when we go to bed and we would go to bed at 8 and I would like to stay up to 8.  We would go in your room and stay up till 8 except Wyatt.  He would go to bed at 7 cause we are bigger and we don't need much sleep.  If we have a bad day, we should go to bed at 7.  The big boys would watch TV and eat a snack.  Then you would snuggle us and put us to sleep in our beds.

What would you like mornings to look like?
We would do a tablet until 7.  Then we would go downstairs and eat breakfast right at 7 and then we would go upstairs, brush, do our regular routine and then school, but play a little bit.  Then we would do school.

When you're mad what should I/can I do to help?
Tell the brothers to please stop.  Do nothing, really.  I don't know.  When you walk away when you're mad and I'm mad, it helps me calm down.  I want to calm down and come out of my break on my own.

When you're sad?
When I'm sad I like you when you give me a hug.

When you're hurt?
Give me a hug.

What challenges you?
School.  When I have a lot a lot a lot of work.  Sometimes when we're doing stuff like this (answering questions). Being a twin challenges me some of the times.  Like when Logan got in a water fight with Ethan and Ethan thought it was me, so he squirted me cause on the field we look a same.  It's very challenging to not yell at you when I'm angry.  Cause I'm so mad.

What scares you?
It scares me when people tell me stories that are kinda scary and they say it's real and I believe them, and they actually are telling a fish story.  That's what gives me nightmares.

What makes you feel brave?
When daddy's around.  And you're around.  When adults are around.  (Why do you think that is?) Cause adults are adults.  Cause they know more than me, cause I'm just a kid.  Then I feel safe.  When I'm scared at batting I tell myself I'm catcher and wearing all that gear even though I'm not and I feel more brave.

What's your favorite thing to do?
My favorite favorite favorite thing to do is stay up late.  And then play baseball.  And to hold dogs and take them on walks.

What makes you happy?
When I get to do something I really really want to do.  Like when we're going to go to carnival I feel so so so happy.  Staying up late, when we get to play with Ferris & Milo, Isaac, Ethan, Alvin, jump on Julie's trampoline, going to G6, family swimming, when we have awesome delicious cereal... There's nothing else.  Those are all the things I love to do.

What makes you mad?
When Logan & Wyatt break my stuff.  When Logan changes his mind about sharing.  When I want to do something really bad and you tell me I can't do it.  And you not letting me pick the clothes I want. But that's life sometimes.

What makes you sad?
Nothing really gets me sad.  Umm, when I get hurt.  Really really bad.  Like if I feel on the railing.  Daddy being gone makes me sad.  When you change your mind after you've said yes.

What could make you happier?
Not doing school for a week.  Which, that is going to come true!  When you tell me I can do something I want.  When you give me chocolate things.  Like Special K bars.

What chores are good?
My favorite chore would be doing no chores.

Could you do more?
If you ask me to.  I could do the laundry.  Fold the laundry.  Washing and drying the dishes.  Loading the dishwasher, starting it up.  Taking the laundry downstairs.  Turning on the laundry machine and dryer.

What rules do you hate?
That I have to do school.  I hate to do every single chore in the house, but if you ask me to do something I'll do it.  I don't like to share my little Legos.

What rules do you love?
My favorite rule would be whoever gets something first gets to play with it first.  And that we have to do the dishwasher once a day.

***

Mom to Kid Questions: Logan Henry

What do you love about mommy?
You give us treats.  And you take us swimming and to G6 and let us go to Nanny's.  And let us stay at grandma's house.

What do you hate about mommy?
Nothing.  Yelling and screaming and grabbing.  And I want you to tell me more stuff.  Like I don't like when you sign. (When Josh and I don't want the kids to know what we're talking about, we use sign language.)

***
L- Who are you sending these to?
me- Oh I'm just asking these so you can be happier.  So we can all be happier.
L- Oh you don't have to do that.  I think we're all good.  We're all the way we need to be.
***

What do you like about our days?
We go swimming.  And when there's something exciting to do besides school.  I hate school.  I also like baseball.

What do you hate about our days?
I hate when we have to stay at home. Especially with Nanny.  And I hate school.  And I hate wearing baseball pants.

How would you change our routine?
I would change it to 9 (our bedtime).  I want bedtime to be 8 and me and Jack's would be 9.  Can we do that?  But we'll sleep in longer. You can change the clock to 6:40.  I would have no school.

What do you want more of?
More going outside and other people's houses.  Like Ferris'.

What activities do you want to do?
I want to do soccer.  And football.  And do less school.  I want to get off earlier on Wednesdays so I can play with Gisele.  I want to do more swim lessons.

What would you like bedtime to look like?
I want us to go up and brush and stay up later and sleep in longer.  I want to watch TV.  And really nothing else.  And maybe play legos in there. Or play the Wii.

When you're mad, what should I/can I do to help?
I don't know.
(We talked and our plan when Logan is angry is to: either pet the cat downstairs or go in his bed with his blanket over his head until he calms down.)

When you're sad?
Snuggle me.  And put somebody in timeout cause it's not fair! They hit me and it's not fair cause I go in time out and they get to keep playing.

What challenges you?
Math.  Take away math. Not plus.  
Calming down when I'm angry.  
And leaving.  I hate leaving.  Like leaving someone's house.  I love going to someone's house I just hate leaving.

What scares you?
When you get crazy angry.  It feels scary cause I feel like you're going to break something.  Getting lost scares me.

What makes you feel brave?
When Wyatt and Jack are holding onto the cart.  And I don't like when there are lots of people in one place.  Like in the jumpy place.  It was tiny, but lots of kids.  (a little backtracking to what scares him)

I felt proud of myself when I climbed that whole tree.  But I worry about other kids climbing behind me.
I'm happy when I find you.
Nothing makes me feel brave, but I feel much braver when you're right next to me. And my brothers are next to me where I can see them.

What's your favorite activity?
TV.  Playing.  And puzzles.  Stickers.  And sticker books.  And mazes and word searches.  And connect the dots.

What makes you happy?
When you surprise me with fun things.  Going to somebody's house.  Daddy.  And when we do swim lessons.  When we go swimming.  Especially to Firstenburg.  And when we go to the park.

What makes you mad?
Probably when it's my turn with a toy and Jack doesn't share it.  Or I have to share a toy I had first.  I just talk too disrespectful.  When we're having so much fun and we have to leave and do something so boring.  I get so mad.

What makes you sad?
When Daddy had to leave.  I like to stay here.  In Washington. I don't want to go back in Marshall or Alaska anywhere.  I don't like to go in the snow.  I hate wearing so much gear.  I want to stay here with our family.

What could make you happier?
Going to people's houses makes me very happy.  Staying up late will make me happy.  Have special time with just me and Roxanne.  And Milo and Ferris.  I wanted to do that.  And more toys.

What chores are good?
Cleaning up.  That's my favorite chore.  Cause then it's not such a big fat mess.

Could you do more?
Put away the laundry.  I could do that.  That's another good one that I don't mind doing.  But I don't like it.  I already have enough chores.  Like brushing, making my bed, getting dressed, doing the dishes...

What rules do you hate?
I hate when we have to stay home.  I hate consequences.  Probably all the consequences.  Sentences is the worst.  I hate that we get grounded from stuff.  I don't want to get grounded from stuff.  I think I'd rather just come up here and be quiet.  I hate when you have to go somewhere and leave.  That's the worst rule.

What rules do you love?
That we have to share.  I'm like Jack, I hate to share my legos.  I like keeping a clean house.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?
I want to change the bedtime schedules.

***

To Be Needed...

These boys of mine... 

they are needing me lately, and I am so grateful.  The loss of the baby, whom I was so excited about having, made me feel quite useless when it came to parenting after my miscarriage.  That baby was going to need me in all the exhausting ways a newborn does.  Whereas my six & three year olds are nothing but more independent with each passing day.

{My Jack & me}

But the last two weeks, they have been gently reminding me that no matter their age, a boy always needs his mommy.

Jack asks to be tucked in at night and to be tickled daily.  I remind myself that even though he's big, he still needs to be held and hugged and loved.  Logan began requesting that I lay with him at bedtime and sing.  Then when I'm done laying with him, Wyatt has been asking to lay on my chest "Because it's cozy" he says.  Today he asked to sit in my lap during morning cartoons, and when I asked him why he said, "Because you are part of our family."  Well, you can't argue with that logic!

{Logan & Mommy}

In addition to daytime tickles & bedtime snuggles, I have become their go-to for bad dreams.  First it was Logan, dreaming that he had died and couldn't be with me anymore.  Then it was Jack, dreaming that Wyatt had stopped breathing in his sleep like Josh's baby sister Margaret did.  Both of them were seriously shook up by their dreams, and I happily slid out of bed and tucked them back in, whispering prayers in their ears as they drifted back off.

These moments, where my services (as it were) are needed have made me feel like a mommy again. 

{He hates kisses}

At bedtime I sing Dixie Chick's "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" and JJ Heller's "Keep You Safe" pretty much on repeat for them.  Their favorite is "Keep You Safe", which they call "Your Heart" and mine is "Godspeed", which lately reminds me of my baby in heaven.  

"Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams"

But laying there, as the sad feelings wash over me, I can't help but simultaneously feel incredibly blessed to have the three souls I do, in the room with me, peacefully tucked into their beds.

As I enjoy being mommy to these beautiful boys, 

another song I have been loving is 

Stand Still by Hilary Weeks.

"I've been taking pictures for a long, long time

Some are on paper, but most are in my mind

Snapshots and memories of the days when we were young

I plan to keep them

Long after you've grown and gone

I remember watching as you took your first step

Seems the clocks been running faster ever since

Every day a little taller, it says so on the wall

The days are passing

And they're not going to stop

And if I could

I would

Ask time to stand still

So I could hold you a little longer

I'd make the minutes stop

So we would always have today

I won't let the sun go down

Until you know how I feel

I love you so much

I wish time could stand still

Fingerprints all over the sliding glass door

And I can barely see underneath the toys on the floor

I have wished away the sleepless nights,

the noise and the messes made

But my heart reminds me

I'm gonna miss these days

So if I could

I would

Ask time to stand still

So I could hold you a little longer

I'd make the minutes stop

So we would always have today

I won't let the sun go down

Until you know how I feel

I love you so much

I wish time could stand still

***

Weekending!

Weekends around here consist of Date Night Friday,

where the husband and I watch a movie and eat the delicious pizza he makes 

once the children are in bed;

{This movie is hilarious!}

Saturday Social on Saturday morning, 

where the children run & play with their friends at the school,

and enjoy popcorn & slushees for snack in the cafeteria;

{New Seahawk inspired shoes for Wyatt from Nanny}

{Loves his kicks!}

Family Movie Night Saturday evening,

where the boys get more of daddy's amazing homemade pizza,

followed by dessert on the rug in the living room

while watching a movie all together;

and finally Sunday Football,

where we root and cheer our hearts out for the Seahawks,

while eating something yummy. 

Generally homemade chili & cornbread or homemade mac & cheese.

Weekends are my favorite.  

We have so many fun rituals that we all look forward to,

 and it's just nice to spend time together and recharge our batteries for the week ahead.

*

As an added bonus, some sweet moments of motherhood:

At bedtime the last few nights Logan has been really sweet & lovey.  One night he told me I am the prettiest mom.  The next night he told me he loves me to outer space.

When I am putting underwear back on Wyatt after he goes potty, our faces are cheek to cheek.  And he always says to me as I dress him, "You're our mom."

Jack drew a picture for me. I unrolled it (he delivers everything in scroll fashion) and then he pointed out everything in the picture.  He and Logan were in their beds, and I was in the corner rocking Wyatt in the rocking chair.