some deep thoughts on my thirty eighth birthday

Today is my thirty eighth birthday. 

For a few months leading up to this day, I thought, 

"I can't believe I'm going to be 38. I don't feel 38!"  

But as the days and weeks continued passing,  I began to feel more and more ready for this age. I think I am feeling a little more confident in who I am, a little more confident in where I'm at in life, and a little more settled into what life looks like in 2020. 

This is thirty eight:

• wearing a mask
• teaching my children at home
• seeing only a handful of family members (and one friend) who are in my circle
• doing everything via Zoom, from book club to doctor appointments
• finding my first grey hairs
• taking Prozac for my anxiety
• taking propranolol for my migraines (+ sumatriptan when they break through) 
• weighing more than I ever have
• doing my best to balance taking care of everyone* (& the house) and keeping my sanity
• deciding we are DONE having children
• giving myself grace (so much grace) when what I'm doing doesn't seem like enough

* with "everyone" including: 

two seventh graders, a fourth grader, a teacher husband, an enthusiastic four year old, two cats and a gigantic dog.

Tonight Josh surprised me with the gift of a brand new laptop. Just for me. He knows I love blogging wherever I want (the couch, my reading chair, the patio, the front porch) and I've missed that freedom since our old laptop died. So he shocked my socks off with a new one. It's so beautiful, and I am so inspired to share more on here, and spend more of my time recording my thoughts and our sweet little family life. 

The twins have started reading the blog during their down time, and it makes my heart so happy to see them remember old times and reminisce with each other (and me) about all the adventures we've had. So I would really like to make sure I'm putting as much of our life on here as I want to so that they can have all these memories to look back on. 

I am so grateful that I have as much of our life on here as I do. It's such a source of joy- to look back, to remember, to wax nostalgic- scrolling through pictures of different times.  I have been blogging here for a little over twelve years, and I can't believe all the growth that has happened (in me, and our family) in that decade. 

Our family has grown: more kids... more cats... and a dog! Our family has loved & lost: family friends, grandparents, a beloved student and two little Babyhams that never got to join our family here on earth. Our family has moved: from the rainy pacific Northwest to a village in snowy Alaska to the dry desert of Central Washington.  

The more changes we face as a family, the more we grow together. 

2020 has provided plenty of opportunities for growth, 

and with this crew (+ Josh) by my side, I am here for the challenge. 

When I closed my eyes to blow out my candles?

I will admit that all I wished for, 

was more of this. 

***

Around Here: Week 43 2020

 {October 18-24th}

{My mom & my older brother Dalton}

{My grandpa getting his chemo}

{note the high heels}

Welcoming... Josh home after he was gone all weekend working at my grandparent's house. It was so kind of him and his brother to do all that work for Grandma Pansy & Grandpa Jerry, and I really appreciated him being my hands while I am able to do so little to help them. 

Grateful... that Grandpa's second chemo treatment went really well, and he isn't suffering any side effects or anything other than tiredness.  It's such a blessing. Also a blessing that they can get the treatment in a neighboring town. They don't have to go all the way to Portland to get it each week. 

Enduring... Carly waking every night at least once a night. It is just exhausting. But it's also bittersweet because I know that this phase won't last forever, and soon I won't have any kids waking me up at night regularly.  So while I wears me out, I am also trying to cherish it. I feel like that balancing act in itself sums up motherhood.  Trying to enjoy it while not letting it kill you.

Washing... dishes for dayssssss when I didn't do them the entire weekend Josh was gone. A lot of people asked why the kids don't help with the dishes, and please don't worry, they do.  But that weekend we were on the go and then just relaxing, so we just never got to them.  And by the time I needed to face them, it was a bit overwhelming of a task to lay on the boys, so I did them myself. But the twins do dishes a lot, and Josh cooks or does the dishes pretty much every single night. I am very lucky!  (But I do need to get better at adding paper plates to my regular grocery list. Hah!)

Laughing... when Carly showed up downstairs in a dress up dress and crown and demanded that I "bow at her".  (For those wondering, I for sure bowed at her... I was a little afraid of what might happen if I didn't.)

Swearing... at the twins when they lost their shit over a zoom meeting I made them attend and wanting to just disappear Monday... They weren't listening; I had no patience; and together, we made school at home feel like hell on earth.  We are six weeks in, and still I am struggling.  They want to set the agenda for the day, or only do what the teacher says... but I am the adult in charge here, and reminding them of that constantly is getting quite old.  

So...

Grounding... the twins from their game consoles and all screens for the foreseeable future until they can say, "Okay mom" to whatever I ask without arguing or losing their minds.  While Josh was home, it was much less of a struggle to get them to listen, but now that he's at work everyday, I am feeling very on my own, and we had a bit of a "Come to Jesus".  All the things they have here in this house, are a privilege, and one they have to earn by doing their jobs- both chores around here and school.  So until they shape up, screens are out. 

Trading... screens for chores on Tuesday.  
The twins cleaned out the garage, weeded the yard and did multiple jobs in the house during what would normally have been their screen time. I am hopeful this motivates them to be more respectful of me.

Watching... When Calls The Heart, season by season, working my way toward the new seasons (6 & 7) that I bought on Amazon Prime.  I can't wait to see what the new seasons hold. 

Feeling... proud of the twins for pouring themselves into their NWEA testing (reading) on Thursday.  They both took their time and got scores that were right where they should be.  I'm always glad when their test scores reflect what they actually know.

Suffering... a migraine Friday and letting myself stay in bed. It meant the kids got more screen time than I would have liked (the twins earned theirs back with their good job/focus on the NWEA) but when I have a migraine, it's about survival. 

Removing... Carly's pink booster seat from her kitchen table chair.  I don't know what it is, that she's my last, or maybe that I only have a few things left from her infancy & toddlerhood, but moving on from those baby items is super hard for my heart.  

We sold her bike trailer because she can ride a bike with training wheels now.  We gave her tricycle to my niece.  She no longer wears diapers or bibs, never took a bottle or a binky, and I have her stroller, but I know that I won't ever use it again. I just haven't bit the bullet and gotten rid of it yet. 

So unbuckling that tiny chair from her seat before dinner this week felt monumental.  

She will be five in two months. Five. I can't even believe it. 

And even though it's going too fast, and I want to slow time down, I also wouldn't trade it for anything. Watching her grow up is my greatest joy. 

So very bittersweet. 

Enjoying... book club which met via Zoom this week to discuss our book, Lila by Marilynne Robinson. The discussion went from distance learning to the book to our value as women, and what impacts our self esteem and our self worth. It is just so good for my soul to spend time with those women.  They all understand my role as wife and mother, and they understand the demands placed on my shoulders.  They are so kind and good to me (and each other) and they have been a super bright spot throughout quarantine.  I love you Legenda Ladies!!!

Reading... The Body Keeps Score (which is a slow read that I want to fully absorb before rushing to the next chapter) and Leave The World Behind, which is a page turner from Book of the Month.  Seriously, I was dying to find out what happens in Leave The World Behind. (But, semi-spoiler-alert, I was not pleased with the ending of LTWB at all!)

Seeing... the pic of my older brother and my mom sharing one last dinner before she moves away (from him, but closer to me & my sister!) made me tear up. I am so grateful that they were able to do that, and I just love my brother. 

Falling... head over heels for the tree in front of our house. It is the most beautiful color in October, and it feels like a gift.  It always makes me think of Anne of Green Gables saying, "I'm so glad I live in a world with Octobers." 

***

Around Here: Week 42 2020

My mom, my dad and I, circa 1986

What school at home looks like everyday

Carly's princesses on her Barbie couch

They're watching TV, naturally

I swear every week someone breaks a pair of glasses
(Notice the missing lens...)

I need this mug (to replace the one Molly broke) Ha!

When Carly got ready for Romy's birthday party
and was carrying her present and lunch bag, she said,
"I look like I'm going on vacation!"

Isn't my sister is so beautiful?

Following... what has become our routine the last few months, and cleaning house on Sunday to prepare for the week.  The boys clean the bathrooms and their bedrooms, and I take care of the downstairs.  We also watched the Seahawks game, which my boys enjoy with their dad.

Worrying... about my grandparents as my grandpa was diagnosed with lymphoma and was advised to undergo chemotherapy to fight it.  He had a biopsy Monday to give the oncologist more information about what they're fighting, and he started chemo (at a smaller dose) on Friday.  I love my grandparents so much and wish I was closer (they live 6+ hours away at the coast) to help them through grandpa's treatments. 

Grateful... beyond words that Josh was willing to be my hands this weekend.  He and his brother agreed to go and get some projects done at my grandparents house before the real chemo treatments start up. They were able to get so many things done for them, including trimming the hedge; putting up a new fence and re-siding one side of their house.  Thanks, guys. I know Grandma appreciates it, and so do I. 

Surviving... Week 5 of school at home. The boys grades are improving and we're really in a good routine now.  Josh saved us all by buying a tripod for my phone so I can mirror my camera onto the TV, which makes it 100x easier for the twins to copy my notes as we work together through their English and Science lessons. 

Listening... to the rain on the windshield of the van as we drove Carly out to grandma & Papa's land on Tuesday.  Carly made us all pause when she said, "I love the sound of the rain when it hits the windows." 
Same, Carly.  Same.

Enduring... Logan breaking his glasses.  It seems like every week we have a pair broken. Usually from rough housing. #boymom Thankfully Amy, our glasses guru, at our local vision clinic, is amazing at fixing what she can, and patient as can be when it comes to ordering more glasses or working with our insurance on our behalf. Thank goodness for her!

Chatting... for the first time with a psychiatrist I found on DoctoronDemand. My insurance covers meeting virtually through this app, which is the coolest.  I wanted to meet with a psychiatrist to make sure that I am on the best medication for my anxiety, OCD tendencies and migraines.  

She suggested upping my Prozac and trying a blood pressure medication for my migraines before jumping to the monthly shot my PC doc wants to try. So we will give it a whirl.

She also mentioned that my miscarriages counted as trauma and that digging into that and feeling those feelings might be a good idea.  This advice was timely as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day was this week. 

Visiting... with my bestie for a few hours Thursday.  Time with her is like a breath of fresh air every week. Thank goodness for enduring friendships and laughter.

Suffering... a migraine so bad on Friday that we didn't do school and I stayed in bed most of the morning.  My bestie sent her husband to get the twins (they work for her sometimes, which they love) and when she brought them home again when they were done, she had brought pizza for us for dinner.  So, so kind & thoughtful since Josh was out of town and unable to take care of me.

Letting... the boys take turns sleeping with me since Josh was gone to the coast.  Wyatt was probably the most excited. Gosh, I love that little boy so much.

Celebrating... my niece Romy's third birthday with my sister & her kids on Saturday. We had the best day, with the best weather. It was perfect. Carly helped me choose her present, which was a pair of Minnie Mouse high heels. (They are so adorable!) I also brought Ferris' birthday gift (random fact: all my sister's kids' birthdays are in October!) which was a BOX of computer paper. Haha! He always wants computer paper to draw on, and when I saw that the box wasn't that much more than a ream, I just had to get it for him.  That, plus some new markers, and he was one happy kid! I love being an aunt. It's so much fun!

Ordering... Christmas cards (from Shutterfly at 50% off!) for our family and feeling so excited!  My sister took our family pictures a few weeks back and I'm so grateful for them. I also want to get one of the whole family put on a canvas. 

Starting... to work out and losing two pounds this week.  I was happy to see the scale go down because I'm not at a healthy weight, but the workouts are also really good for my anxiety.  Per instructions from my psychiatrist, I am working on loving my tummy by stopping and telling it that I appreciate it as often as I am in front of a mirror. It feels a little silly, but I definitely HATE it less than I did when I started this experiment. 

Reading... Lila for book club and enjoying her back story so much. I read Gilead, then skipped Home and jumped right into Lila.  So I will go back and read Home (and then Jack, which was just released!) sometime in the near future. I have enjoyed Marillynne Robinson's books... but they are a slow read (I can't devour them... I have to savor them) so I need a break from them for a bit. 

Sending... the kids out to jump on the trampoline whenever we need a break from school, and feeling so happy Josh bought it. These boys' energy levels are off the charts.  If only I could have half of it!

***

"It is the 

bright shine 

of all the 

endured 

sorrow 

that will 

make us 

glow."

-Tyler Knott Gregson 

Remembering... our lost babies on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, October 15th.  I gave our lost babies names recently (they came after Wyatt & before Carly) and it has helped me to better mourn them.  

I am beyond grateful for our sweet rainbow baby girl, and I am so sad for any mother who didn't get to have that redeeming rainbow baby experience. Everyday I am thankful that God gave us Carly May.  What a ray of sunshine she is. 

(At the bottom of the list of our kids names, I have listed all our pets. Sukie & Margilo were cats we had before the twins, and most of you know George, (& Ramona, who passed in May), Grady & Molly. 
Also, some of you may not know that my name is actually Rochelle.  Shelly is just my nickname.)

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