Around Here: Week 16 {2018}

Peak Flow: Wyatt's "normal" is 250
His yellow zone: below 200
Hospitalization: 125

Going... to see my new counselor for the first time.  He provided a lot of insight considering we only talked for an hour (and most of that was me pouring my heart out, while crying).  He validated that what I've been through with Logan and Wyatt has been traumatic (both getting the phone call from the school that Logan had been seizing and witnessing the seizure at our house in third grade; as well as going through Wyatt's hospitalization for his lungs not working back in December) and he said I may be working through a bit of PTSD and that those experiences may be leading to my own physical health anxiety. Like my mind may be trying to predict the next big thing, and that's why when something hurts, I freak out like I do.
He also said that life has always been vulnerable- I've never had the ability to save my kids or loved ones- but we build up walls and safeties to protect ourselves from that truths, and I had mine ripped away in a pretty traumatic way in December when Wyatt was in a  hospital bed unable to breath, with a doctor in our hometown telling me there was nothing else he could do. (Thankfully, another medical team was on the way to transport us to Spokane where the children's hospital could do more, but it was a scary time nonetheless).
So my work with him will be on accepting the truth that life is unexpected and fragile.  Along with some other things.  I'm looking forward to getting to the bottom of some of my issues.

Feeling... better, bit by bit.  I am working on sleeping enough and exercising (walking the kids to school as much as possible, which is my favorite exercise) and taking my Prozac.  I haven't been feeding my body well this week, and I'm hoping to improve that next week, cause I can tell it's impacting how I feel. I crave comfort food, but it doesn't actually make me feel better, if that makes any sense.

Appreciating... all the love & support I've received after sharing about my (sort of) breakdown in my last "Around Here" post.  You all are amazing, and I'm so glad to have such an awesome village of mama's who have been where I'm at and rally around (and don't judge) when I am going through a rough spot. I have seriously felt nothing but love all week, and it means so much to me. Thank you.

Remembering... that recovery from anxiety is an up and down process.  I'll have two days where I feel pretty darn good, and then the third day I wake up feeling like I have been chased by a bear and downed two dozen cups of coffee.  It's frustrating, especially when I'm doing the same thing everyday for my recovery... but I just breathe, and know the scared feelings will pass, and especially remember that (for me) the mornings are the worst.  I move about my routine at a normal pace and trust that with time I will return to my old self.  I am also trying to watch my thoughts- staying in the moment helps me be assured that my thoughts aren't contributing the anxiety.  If I "hang out" in the future ("Is Logan going to have a bad reaction to his medication?" "Will I have more migraines next month?" "Will Josh get in a car accident on the way to work?") I tend to have more physical symptoms. It's a vicious cycle.  Staying I the moment, where I am, really helps.

Watching... Jack receive the Roaring Reader award at his school (Go Jack!) and getting all the boys' report cards.  They were all pretty darn good, and I'm proud of them for their hard work.  Wyatt especially is an amazing student, and I can't wait to see where the future takes that kid.  He's in first grade and already completed all the first grade reading curriculum, and first & second grade spelling words.  Little smarty!

Enjoying... date night with Josh (last week and this week) with some homemade pizza (Hawaiian, our current fav) after the kids went to bed Friday night and dreaming of getting away together.  Life has been heavy lately, and the thought of going away somewhere just the two of us is a dream I often indulge!

Reading... Marcelo in the Real World by Francisco X. Stork (who also wrote The Memory of Light, which I loved) which was such a good story about a boy with Aspergers trying to make it in "the real world".  I listened to it, and really enjoyed it. I want to read all his books now.
I am also still working on Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood: A Guide for Parents.  I am learning a lot about how Logan's seizures changed and what that means for him.  I am hopeful that at his follow up appointment in three months, I'll be able to ask more intelligent questions and understand more fully what is happening in his brain.
And lastly, I am listening to the second half of The Untethered Soul, which I started in March, but my library checkout ended before I finished it.  It is full of life changing advice.  I'm hoping to do a post devoted to its advice soon!

Taking... the twins to the dentist, and hearing "No cavities!" which makes me so happy!

Meeting... Josh for lunch one day last week with Carly in tow.  It was so nice to squeeze in some extra time with him, and to show Carly where daddy goes when he's "at work".  His students (he teaches fourth grade) thought Carly was the cutest, and it was so sweet.

Attending... baseball games Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights this week.  It was a crazy-busy week at the start, and so freaking windy and cold! I can't even describe the cold. It was miserable!  But it was also awesome because Josh got a chance to come to one of Wyatt's games finally, and I was able to go to one of the twins' games. (So far, we have missed each others' games because of overlapping game schedules!)  Josh was so proud of little Wyatt hitting the ball and running his heart out to first base, and I was SO proud of Jack pitching and SO proud of Logan (our leftie!) playing first base.  They both got multiple players out, hit like champs, slid into some bases and just played super awesome.  Seeing them out there in their uniforms also confirmed for me that the changes we've made have definitely made a difference in their bodies.  I know they have lost weight (at least ten pounds each) since the new year, but seeing their bodies from the bleachers, I can really see it.  It makes me so proud of us.

Grateful... Logan is adjusting well to the secondary anti-seizure medication so far.  We are on week three, and he's taking a small dose, twice a day.  By week five, we will be upping the evening dose (-it's a very specific titration schedule that we have posted in the bathroom, so that we increase his doses very slowly so he is less likely to develop the very rare, but super-scary, possibly life threatening rash that can occur with this and other epilepsy medications.  Deep breath, Shelly.  Deeeep breath!)

Caring... for Wyatt as he went from playing in a baseball game with a slight runny nose Wednesday night (and blowing a 250 on his peak flow meter) to coughing all night long and not being able to get off the couch Thursday morning (and barely blowing a 200 on his peak flow).  A drop of 50 peak flow points is unheard of for Wyatt thus far, and it had me thoroughly freaked out.  I managed to get him a same day appointment with our doctor, who put him on oral steroids (a 5 day course) as well as albuterol and inhaled steroids for his nebulizer (a 3 week course) and also found a double ear infection (Wyatt's third in three months!) and prescribed a course of 10-day antibiotics, as well as gave us a referral to see the Ear, Nose & Throat specialist to talk about getting tubes put in once he's healed up.
Thursday his peak flow number dipped down to 195, and he spent much of the day coughing on the couch moaning with flushed cheeks.  After just one dose of oral steroids, we could see a difference, and by yesterday (Friday) night his numbers had jumped back up 225 after albuterol treatments every four hours and while he's still coughing and we are not at all in the clear, I am far less scared.  This sickness took him down so fast, just like the one back in December did, and it's been an exercise in faith to walk it with him.
The truly crazy thing is that Carly has the same cold, and other than some snot, she's perfectly fine. Wyatt's asthma just kicks in as soon as he gets a cold.  So while he has an "asthma" diagnosis, "Reactive Airway Disease" is a far more fitting explanation of what happens to him when he gets sick.

***

A note of encouragement for everyone fighting their battles:

Keep going!

Around Here: Week 15 {2018} In Which I Reach My Breaking Point

100% accurate

Wyatt spelling his name in Pretzel

{Logan pitching}

Wrapping... up spring break with a mellow weekend, which was just what we needed.  Lots of sleep and cleaning and preparation for the week ahead.  Josh also made more progress on our white picket fence for the front & side yard, which is making all my house dreams come true.  It's going to be SO cute!!!

Reading... To Kill A Mockingbird and my Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood book to better understand what the neurologist was talking about at Logan's appointment last Thursday. 

Stopping... in to let the office know of the changes to Logan's seizures and the new protocol for his seizures, including not calling 911 unless his seizures are more than five minutes long.  It feels so scary to be the one "in charge" of his seizures.  I'm hoping as I continue learning more, I'll feel more confident in this role.

Baseballin'... with all three of our boys this week.  Jack was starting pitcher at their first game (so so proud of him!) and Logan played first base (he's our leftie!).  At their second game, Logan played pitcher and Jack got his first pop fly.  Wyatt is doing an amazing job, hitting almost every time he's up to bat, and playing with an amazing attitude, which is a huge change from last year.  It's so fun to see them growing up in the game, and seeing their skills improve so much over time.  Josh loves the game, and I love watching the boys and their dad bond over it.

Getting... used to the twins' new transition lenses.  They have begged for years for transition lenses, and this year we finally got them.  They LOVE having the shades during baseball and when playing outside, and they are keeping their glasses on so much more.  It was definitely worth it (less than $70 each) and will be so good for their eye health.  We didn't get them for Wyatt because his glasses prescription is so small, he can just take off his glasses and wear shades if he wants to, without losing much sight.

Attending... MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) this week, which was great. We had a guest speaker who spoke about creating (and maintaining) strong marriages.  He gave some great nuggets of wisdom- including the idea that every husband desires being "wanted" more; that every husband needs your desires laid out clearly; and that husbands will likely respond well to an apology if you do it right. (And if you do it right, your relationship is more likely to move on past a hiccup instead of staying stuck.)  It made me want to put a little more effort into "us" and make sure that Josh is getting the BEST of me, not the REST of me, after the kids and life!

Grateful... for spring(ish) weather and walking to school everyday this week.  There's been some clouds and wind which haven't been strictly spring (and sunny) weather but it's been close enough that I walked everyday and I'm so grateful for that daily exercise for me and the boys, even if we did get sprinkled on a little bit a few times.  Clocking those three miles (it's 3/4 of a mile, there and back, there and back) everyday day feels so good!!!

Experiencing... a lot of anxiety and panic the last few days, and with it, all different sorts of health anxiety & worries.  Between Logan & Wyatt's health issues (the asthma and epilepsy which require constant monitoring); my hormones; the normal exhaustion that comes from caring for four kids and my early morning work schedule (which requires waking at 3:30am 3x a week); I am just suddenly worn out.  Fried.  I woke up five days in a row, in a complete PANIC this last week.  Heart pounding, arms shaking, dizzy, terrified, shaking, like the feeling when you almost get into an accident...

Deciding... that enough is enough and going to the doctor for my worries & accompanying panic.  He put me on Prozac, starting me on a low dose to see how I do, and he also suggested I increase my migraine medication in hopes of bringing my number of migraines down.  (I'm currently having about six per month, which has me feeling trapped and kind of depressed because they make me such a miserable person to live with.  I hate suffering so, and making those who live with me suffer.)  The Prozac should help with any depression from the migraines, the anxiety & panic, any OCD tendencies I have (which manifest themselves when I'm having health concerns) as well as reducing headaches.

Calling... a therapist as well, and hoping that the mix of medication and therapy will help me get back on my feet.  I just want to stop feeling scared all the time.  I want to stop thinking I have cancer or some other deadly disease everyday.  I want to stop living in fear.

Telling... myself that it's okay that I don't have the strength to fight this on my own.  It's okay to need help.  It's okay that carrying the weight of Logan & Wyatt's diagnoses became too much.  It's okay that some days it feels unfair. And some days I cry. A lot.  It's okay that other people can carry on just fine without help, and I can't.  It's okay.  It's okay.  It's okay.  {deep breath}

***

On Firing My Therapist

So two weeks after the miscarriage, I kind of lost my shit. (That's also when I started calling it the miscarriage. Before that, the word felt foreign in my mouth, and I refused to say it. I would just say, "Before I lost the baby."  Now I have had a bit of acceptance, and I can refer to the loss as a miscarriage, even though it feels inadequate at describing the loss.)

The day after I lost it (my shit, not the baby), sobbing in hysterics to my poor, under appreciated husband, I got an email from that sweet guy of mine, informing me of a program his employer offers that will pay for six sessions of counseling.  That very day I called and set up my first appointment.

I believe very much in being proactive about your mental health.  I believe in self help books, and therapy and, if necessary, pills.  I believe in knowing what you're facing and in doing so head on.

When I had my first counseling appointment, it didn't start well.  I called in at the appropriate time and was asked if I could be called back. Ten minutes later my phone finally rang and I was beyond irritated. Do you know how much work it is to settle and occupy three kids in three different spaces (cause we all know they can't be quiet together for an hour) and prepare them for leaving me alone?  It's a lot of work. And actually, it's impossible, because no matter how much prep work you do, they will inevitably need you and find you during that hour.  Hell, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. 

But I digress.

She called me back and we started talking.  Before our session I had jotted down some goals I had for our time together.  I had also made a list of issues I wanted to discuss.  This is not my first rodeo, people. I was prepared.

One of my goals is to no longer fear death.  That sounds a bit extreme, but fearing death is exhausting, and I think of it multiple times a day. I blame this fear on my being a mother and feeling irreplaceable in the lives of my children.  I have realized with time that my fearing death does not change its inevitability, so I would really love to be able to think of death (mine or someone else's) and not freak out and go into panic mode.  When I discussed this with my counselor, she told me that maybe I should write out a will and talk to my kids about my death. It felt like odd advice, but I was like, "Okayyy..."

Then we moved on to talking about the miscarriage and she said to me, and I quote, "Maybe mommy wasn't ready for a baby just yet."  What? Seriously? You're putting this on me? {sigh}  I didn't know what to say.  I just sat on the other end slack jawed, disbelieving that a person would actually say that to someone.

At the end of the phone call I didn't feel any better, and as we made my second appointment, I could tell the therapist was scattered.  She had put me on hold twice so she could help the guy who was fixing her computer, and when she confirmed the appointment, I had a feeling she wouldn't remember it. 

Fast forward to yesterday, and sure enough, when I called in for my second session, neither phone call was answered.  I left messages on both her office phone and her cell phone.  She called me back four.hours.later and asked what I needed.

I was like, "Well, actually, we had a session booked for this afternoon."  She mumbled something about her calendar not working and an apology. Then she asked to rebook. I told her no. That I would be going with another counselor. 

I am not a confrontational type of person, so it was really hard to tell this person, who seemed genuinely nice, that I would no longer be needing her services. But it was worth it, because when all is said and done, she just wasn't a good fit.  She was not understanding about my fear of death as a mother, she was not understanding of my need to talk about the loss of our baby without coming up with some "reason" for why it happened. And she was not respectful of my time. I am busy. Yes, I am stay-at-home mom, and our sessions were over the phone instead of in person, but that should not have made me any less of a priority to her. 

But it did.

That one hour a week is the one time that I need to be put first. It's my time to be heard, to feel the feelings I am too busy to feel the rest of the time, and to make progress toward my emotional well being. 

I am happy to report that I called the program coordinators to seek out a different counselor and my counselor that I used last year is "in network", meaning I can "see" (talk on the phone) to him.  I am so relieved to know that next week when the time comes for my appointment that I will be speaking to someone who will make me a priority and will respect my time.  Bonus? He does evening appointments, so I won't have to worry over the kids as Josh will be home to take care of them.

*

whats on my mind + sledding + recent inspiration

This week we had some gorgeous days.

Two afternoons in a row, we had 28 degrees & sunshine.

 So naturally, we went sledding!

 The big boys can do it completely independently, which is awesome!

 And this time even Wyatt got in on the fun!

 He would hike up the hill in the sunshine and his brothers, dad or I would take his sled.

Then down he'd go, squealing.

 He went once with Jack, too.

 It was such a great way to spend a few afternoons.

 It felt so great to be out in the sunlight.

---

 The past two days for me have been really good days. And I'm so grateful.  Everyday I woke up this week facing my anxiety head on.  Thursday I "met" (we speak on the phone) with my counselor, and he is just amazing.

 He helped me this week looking at my dreams in a new light. I tend to wake up from bad dreams and it starts my days off on the wrong foot.  Now instead of thinking my bad dreams are fortune telling, I am trying to see what my dreams are showing me about what scares me.  What am I worrying about?  

Then my job is to address the concern, and let it go.

In the last two weeks I have dreamed:

That I had cancer

That Josh died

That I was in an airport that was going to get bombed

That I was pregnant with triplets

Pretty intense.

 In addition to changing my perspective of my dreams, I am also focusing very much on gratitude.  Every morning I am writing down three things I'm grateful for, and every evening I am writing down one happy memory of the day.  

My doctor has me on a Vitamin D treatment course to increase my levels which were low when she tested my blood back in January.  I am anxious to see if that will make a difference.

 Happy music, plenty of sleep & exercise are also helping.

 As is getting outside, talking with friends, and staying in the moment with my kids.

 Reading to the three of them at naptime is a new favorite past time.  The boys love to snuggle with me on the couch in my bedroom. Then the twins do silent reading while I rock Wyatt to sleep for his nap.

School is also going swimmingly.  We are four weeks into  our routine, and the boys' reading is amazing!  We are on Lesson 67 of our 100 Lesson book, and everyday they're sounding out new words.

Wyatt has adjusted to playing independently while we work, and we are all enjoying our morning routine of cartoons, followed by school, followed by lunch.

 During nap time I am trying to spend focused time with the twins, expanding on what we learned during school and just bonding together.

Afternoons are spent playing, doing crafts or getting out if the weather allows.

Personally I am doing a lot of organizing to celebrate the new year-- sorting through drawers, clothes and the like.  I am hoping to do more of it as I continue to feel better. 

 Right now just getting through the day with laundry going, dishes done and children fed feels like a small miracle. So I'm being gentle with myself.  But it's exciting to think that the better/happier I feel, the more energy I have.  And the more energy I have, the more I can get done.

 I finished A Week in Winter by Maeve Binchy.  It wasn't a fabulous book.  It was alright.  I am super excited to start the next few in my pile.  

Namely:

Me Before You by JoJo Moyes

Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

 I also have a huge stack of magazines I'm hoping to get to.  And I'd like to work next week on some correspondence with my poor, neglected pen pals!

 In this season of motherhood, I am finding that I have to be very particular about where I spend my bits of free time.  For me the priority right now is pleasure reading and blogging. Which means house cleaning and the like are on hold.

Thankfully my husband is completely understanding about this, and doesn't mind if I blog instead of scrubbing toilets. I think we both know that this time will soon pass and we'll not be so bogged down in parenting and sleeplessness.

 Wyatt's been sleeping through the night like a champ, but that Logan of mine. He's up and in my room two or three times a night. I've tried bribing, threatening... anything & everything. Nothing seems to work. So now my approach is to spend plenty of time with him during his waking hours, talking about everything on his mind so he feels loved and cared for, and doesn't feel the need to seek me out in the midnight hour.

So far it's not changing things, but I have a good feeling that it will soon.

---

 Josh is off Monday, so I have asked him to please plan an activity with the boys so I can have a few hours to clean the house. Doing it without him around is just a nuisance, so I want to take advantage of his time at home and start the week with a clean slate, so to speak!

I can't wait to have sparkling toilets and toothpaste-free sinks!

Even if it does only last one day!

---

 Other than the mundane dealings of my own life as a stay-at-home mom homeschooling while struggling with anxiety, I have been continually thinking of this article since I read it.  It is heartbreaking and accurate and makes me wish I could snap my fingers and change some of those shocking statistics.

Nunam Iqua is another village in the Lower Yukon School District (LYSD) and one of 75 villages in rural Alaska that has no police force.  Marshall is one of those villages, so many of the facts presented in the article are true where we live as well.

---

 I am being inspired by these posts:

This one about "lingering"

This one about "real life" as a mom of littles

This one about the passage of time

This one about living simply, even in your closet

And this one about what life looks like as a stay-at-home-mumma

---

 Well, it's Saturday night,

so that means I have three little boys in jammies waiting for family movie night to start.

And I wouldn't miss it for the world.

So I will bid you adieu my sweet blog reading friends.

And I will wish for you a happy, restful weekend.

*

One final thought:

"Life shrinks or expands

in proportion to one's courage."

-Anais Nin