Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

1.16.2020

around here :: week 2 2020



























Enjoying... taco salad as a change for date night with Josh on Friday after the kids were in bed. It took me back to our date nights in Alaska when we would sometimes have that.  We both look back so lovingly on our time there.  It almost feels as if it were a dream. (Don't worry, I also remember that they rarely had eggs or sour cream at the co-op and that we thought "good weather" was when it was above zero and not windy. Hah!)

Blessed... with a day all to myself on Saturday when Josh took the kids to the park, out to lunch, and then to his parent's house.  That was on top of letting me sleep in until 11:30.  I honestly can't remember the last time I slept until 11:30am.  I'm certain it was before children. (So, circa 2006 or 2007) I am trying so hard to get over this cold, though, that I slept like the dead and could tell I so needed that rest!
During my day off I did a ton of reading for book club on Tuesday (we are reading A Severe Mercy) and a ton of laundry (so.many.loads!). 
Honestly, though, no matter what I was doing, I just soaked up the silence. There is nothing like the quiet of an empty house to bring my soul back to equilibrium.

Getting... the twins caught up on missing work from when they were sick before Christmas break as we prepared to head back to school Monday.  We also cleaned the house and the kids even vacuumed out my van, so we all felt totally ready to jump back into our routine by Sunday evening. 

Reading... A Severe Mercy and If Only I Could Tell You, and listening to Find the Good on audio.  I love break because it means I can spend a whole heck of a lot of time just sitting around reading.  And that's my favorite.
If Only I Could Tell You has been a real page turner and I've been surprised a few times already!  Find the Good is a feel good listen, and goes right along with my phrase for the new year ("See the good") and is really uplifting.
I also read this by Anne Lamott (or you can watch the video) and feeling really inspired by it. Especially this part:
"If you don't know where to start, remember that every single thing that happened to you is yours, and you get to tell it. If people wanted you to write more warmly about them, they should've behaved better.
You're going to feel like hell if you wake up someday and you never wrote the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart: your stories, memories, visions and songs -- your truth, your version of things -- in your own voice. That's really all you have to offer us, and that's also why you were born." Gah! It's just SO good!!!
{Thanks for sharing this with me, Debbie.  I needed to hear it.}  

Loving... the new football game the boys are playing on the trampoline. It is keeping them outside for hours, with very little fighting, which is unheard of.  I also love how when they are on the trampoline, Grady lays in the grass in front of it like a guard dog.  Even Carly has gotten out there with them a few times.

Understanding... that having a little sister is HARD sometimes.  Wyatt worked so diligently on two of his wooden puzzles, then left them unattended and Carly took them apart. He was so heartbroken and angry.  I encouraged him to try again, and to forgive her, but he was mad for quite some time.  #siblinglife

Enduring... a surprise withdrawal from our bank account that we thought wasn't due until February (because it said it wasn't due until February) and taking a deep breath while trying to regroup.  While we're getting our feet under us without falling back on credit cards, every little bill or unexpected expense has the ability to throw us off. 
I'm stretching our groceries a bit further to balance out the unexpected expense by making homemade bread (for making french toast for dinner one night this week & to eat with breakfast) and homemade tortillas (for tacos and quesadillas) and being as creative as possible with what is still in our pantry.  I am grateful for our time in Alaska during times like these because I got really good at working with what was in the pantry and cooking from scratch when needed. 

Sending... the kids back to school and making our new favorite family dinner Monday night.  We had meatloaf, made in my square muffin pan tin with little bacon strips on each tiny meatloaf along with corn, mashed potatoes and gravy.  Every one of the four kids ate everything on their plate. It felt like a back-to-school/New Year miracle! So yummy, we may just have it every week!

Watching... Season 3 of Anne with an E and wishing it would go on forever.

Comforting... Carly during her night time growing pains.  She has been waking up the past week in tears over the pain she has in her legs.  One night even her arms and her feet hurt.  When I'm in there, I rub them and rock her back to sleep after giving her some pain meds.  I try not to worry and think it's anything other than growing pains, but it's hard not to worry when your kid wakes from a dead sleep sobbing like Carly has been. The boys never did this at this age.

Frustrated... with Grady who ate one of Carly's {favorite} puppy dog toys, Skye, and one of my slippers while I wasn't paying attention the other day.  For the most part he is such a good dog, but if he gets bored, or we leave things on the floor (especially shoes!) he tends to get a little "chewy". sigh. Carly cried HYSTERICALLY when I showed her what he had done. I felt so bad, but I knew I had to show her.  She would wonder where Skye had gone, and she has to learn not to leave her toys on the floor. Poor girl.  Later, though, she hugged him and said, "I forgive you, Grady. I forgive you, boy."

Thankful... that the cats are coming downstairs more and more and seem to be adjusting to Grady's presence here.  He's only been here a month, so I'm still holding out hope that someday I will find him and Ramona or George curled up in a nap together on the couch. #bigdreams

Smiling... when I saw the message that Logan and Wyatt had put up using Carly's bath tub alphabet in their shower. "Love You Mom & Dad" Those boys can sure be sweet when they want to be.

Attending... our first book club meeting of the year and loving the opportunity to discuss A Severe Mercy, which was a great romantic book about grief, and also the meeting where we chose our books for the next six months. I am so excited for what we will read!!



Back... to wrestling for the boys, who enjoyed a two week respite over break, plus the two weeks they spent sick before that.  Now we're trying to decide who is going to continue on this next quarter.  Jack & Wyatt say they're pretty sure they want to, but Logan really doesn't. So Josh and I have a decision to make. 

Getting... basically no news (which is good news) from Wyatt's neurologist when we went to see her in Spokane on Thursday.  His EEG was clear- it showed no seizures and no abnormalities- which is great, but it still leaves us wondering what these staring spells are.  He hasn't had any in a while, so we are just going to watch and wait.  Dr. Eastman said that seizures will make themselves known (by increasing in severity or frequency) so if they are seizures, we will know eventually.  In the meantime we just have to keep Wyatt safe, which is pretty easy considering his staring spells/seizures only seem to be happening in the classroom or in bed and are very short in duration. 
I am so thankful Josh's mom was able to have Carly for the day Thursday so Wyatt and I could head to Spokane without her in tow, as she gets carsick and isn't the most patient girl at the doctor's office. (What three year old is?!?)
Every time I head to the children's hospital I get very anxious about finding parking, especially if my appointment is midday like it was today.  So as I drive into the parking garage, I say a little prayer that God would send someone out to their car as I am driving by, and every time it works.  I know it's a little thing, and it might seem silly to you, but for me, it alleviates so much stress, and I'm so grateful for God meeting that small request.

Tearing up... when I received my sister's adoption announcement in the mail.  It made it feel... I don't know... official? I was so excited, and so happy for my sister, and I loved seeing that sometimes there are happy endings.

Watching... the snow fall on Friday as I stayed home taking care of Logan who was home sick, sick, sick and reading my books. Logan's got a terrible sore throat and fever and chills, poor kid.  The only good thing was that I didn't have much going on so I was able to just sit with him on the couch and really snuggle him up good.

Sleeplessness... is leading to more worry than (my current) normal, which is crummy.  Normally I am able to tell myself, "Think horses not zebras" when it comes to me or the kids being sick... but with myself not sleeping, my thoughts are bit more chaotic than normal and it's hard to talk myself down.  Like with Carly's growing pains, I keep thinking it must be something worse. And with Logan's illness, I kept thinking it must be something to do with his seizure med levels... but really, it's probably just growing pains in Carly and some kind of flu in Logan.  But try telling that to my crazy, child-loving, fear-protecting, worst-case-scenario thinking, sleep deprived mind!

***



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10.15.2015

God Lifts Them Up


So today is apparently Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day, and the conversation I had with Jack at bedtime last night is totally appropriate to the day.

At bedtime we all say our prayers, taking turns until we are done.  They always say thank you for Daddy, Mommy, and their brothers, and occasionally will pray for the baby girl in my belly, asking God to keep her alive.  Last night, mid prayer, Jack turns to me and says, "I don't think God killed those babies you miscarried, mom."  I could tell by his tone that he'd put a lot of thought into it.  He continued, "I think when the babies in your tummy die, God lifts them up and puts them in another belly.  You know, like the belly of a mommy who has zero babies.  God thinks, 'You know, it's not really fair to give them [us] another baby when they already have three boys.' And then he gives the baby to someone without kids yet.  Do you think that mom?"

I shook my head in disbelief at this kid of mine, and told him that I hadn't thought of that before, but that I will totally believe that's the way it happens now.  

So here's to all the babies we've lost 
...or given to another mommy with zero babies. 

***

4.30.2015

Church

Every Tuesday evening I go to church for bible study.  It's one of my favorite times of the week.  A time for prayer and fellowship and learning.  I'm so grateful for those couple of hours away from my house, and in the presence of other ladies who understand life out here.

My last church experience ended badly, over a decade ago, and the pain for a long time was raw and unhealed; a wound.  But coming to this church and making time for me, has healed that wound into what is now a painless scar.  I still bear the marks of what happened, but the pain is gone.  And I am so grateful.




***

When I show up, the kids are still leaving Truth Seekers, and I love the opportunity to visit with them.  I adore these girls.


***

And on the walk home, I love contemplating how I'm going to apply all that I've learned to this life that I'm living.  The thought for this week:

"The most important aspects of our lives cannot be rushed.
We cannot love, think, eat, laugh or pray in a hurry."
-James Bryan Smith

4.14.2015

My Walk In Life

The last four days my anxiety has reared its head in ways that it hasn't since a year and a half ago.  I've had a bit of a cold.  Post nasal drip, sore ears, congested chest and utter exhaustion.  My mind, racing, overanalyzing every symptom, has convinced me that it is not simply a cold, but cancer.  The anxiety has an impressive ability to make me believe it.  And so for the last couple days I have been convinced of my imminent death.  It probably sounds like I am exaggerating, but I assure you, I am not.  Anxiety is powerful and can quickly take over the more reasonable parts of my mind.  As you can imagine, thinking of my ultimate demise has not made for the best days.  It's been scary, depressing and hopeless.

Yesterday I sat in Josh's easy chair during quiet time praying, begging God, to please release me from this constant fear.  I just want to live my life unafraid.  As I prayed, a bible location was whispered in my ear.  I assure you that I am not the type to know where certain things are in the bible.  I can tell you many a bible story, but not where they are located.

"Psalm 131," the voice whispered.
Psalm 131.

I wasn't even sure Psalm had 131 chapters.  But I opened my Precious Moments bible that I got as an 8 year old from my parents and flipped to Psalms.  I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

Psalm 131
Simple Trust in the LORD

... surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with his mother...


The antidote to my anxiety is trust.  
The cure for my fear is hope.

After my bible verse experience, I decided that I needed to admit that my anxiety was real, and likely here to stay for a while.  So as I prepared for bed, I lay in the sheets and re-read my favorite anxiety book.  (It's maybe sad that I have a favorite anxiety book... but I choose to look at it as great that I have such a tool in my arsenal.)  What struck me were these underlined passages:

"You are trying to find your way back to the person you used to be.  You can recover and enjoy life again."

"[Anxious] people have physical symptoms as a more or less constant background to their days."

Face // Accept // Float // Let Time Pass

"But it is not easy to face, accept and let time pass."

"Sleep is an excellent healer."

"Calm acceptance, despite delayed recovery, is your goal."

"In the meantime she must be occupied and let each day pass without watching her own reactions and analyzing her feelings."

"It is important only to realize that tomorrow is another day and could be the best yet, however upsetting yesterday or today may have been."

And finally, the third inspiration I had to make today a better day was this quote:


I only have today.

Hell is being somewhere when you wish you were somewhere else.  I have two months left here in the village.  Two months of homeschooling, caring for my family and being a wife.  I don't want every one of those days to be miserable.  Even though I am really excited to see my family, desperate to be in the city, surrounded by my people after the year of heartache I have had, I don't want to waste our days in the meantime.  So I woke up today, determined to make the best of my Tuesday.  And so far, I'm off to a great start.

I'm not sure why my walk in life has had to include anxiety.  Everyday I wish I didn't have it.  But the fact is, I do.  I pay too much attention to my body; I am terrified of dying; and I suffer panic attacks at the most inopportune times (like while going through security at the airport).  But I am grateful in this journey to have God; amazing professionals like my counselor, and Claire Weekes; as well as both friends & family who help see me through it.


***

4.07.2015

April Goals

"You'll never change your life until you change something you do daily.  
The secret of your success is found in your daily routine."
-John C. Maxwell

April Goals:

1.  Give up swearing
2.  Blog everyday
3.  Work out every weekday

This month I'm keeping it simple.  
Three goals, easy to track, easy to remember and hopefully easy to accomplish.  

The last week it has been heavy on my heart that I should give up swearing.  I used to drop the occasional "crap" or "pissed" into conversation... Now I am embarrassed to admit that even the "f" word is part of my vocabulary, along with some other unsavory words, and now that I feel free to use them-- because a) I am a grown up; and b) I have free will-- I don't actually want to use them.  Does that make any sense?

I am the three year old who doesn't want your phone to play Lego Juniors Quest unless you tell me I can't use your phone to play Lego Juniors Quest.  

Another recent tug on my heart has been toward my blog.  It's been a bit neglected as of late, and I want to rectify that.  I would love to get caught up to current (in terms of my pictures) and have it good to go when summer vacation starts in a few weeks.

Whenever I go to blog I feel this ridiculous desire for the post to be deep and perfect.  Some days this desire is good.  It inspires me to be real, to share parts of my heart with you, and to work hard at making everything "just so".  

But other days, it intimidates me, scaring me away from my own sacred space on the internet, and sets the bar so high, that I feel I can never meet the expectations.  So you may see a bit more "realistic" posts-- with spelling imperfections, bad grammar and light emotional content.  My thinking is that the more I write, the easier the writing will come to me.

And my final goal is to work out every weekday.  I've been doing this (for the most part) since January.  I missed a few days in January being sick and a few days in March, also being sick, but every time I've jumped right back in the saddle, and I'm so proud of myself!



The boys themselves are helping keep me true to my one other goal, which is my word of the year, "linger".  They are always wanting more time outside, more walks, more bike rides... more stories, more hugs, more snuggles.  It's easy to say yes, when this (see below) is the face I get for saying no.  

Thanks for keeping me on track, Wyatt!
I promise to keep "lingering", even when it means neglecting my to do list!

For you are my most important job!