This is it... Is this it?

Is it hard for anyone else to get rid of baby stuff? I was so sad to sell the twins' nursery furniture three years ago.  Now we're selling Wyatt's high chair, and even though he doesn't fit in it anymore, I am sad to see it go.  He's nearly done with diapers, and I've already weeded through the playroom to get rid of toys that are for babies under two...

We're still not sure if we'll have more. 

But if I were a betting woman, I'd bet we're done. 

Which surprises me. 

The emotions about that are so conflicting. I feel relief coupled with deep grief whenever I imagine our future with just the three boys.  I ache for a girl. To have a daughter, a mini-me.  Tiny fingernails painted, tutu on, sparkly Dorothy shoes, twirling for me in the living room.  To have a sister for these boys, someone to soften the rowdiness.  A little princess for Josh to adore.

On the other hand, I am so blessed.  Being these boys' mom is better than anything I ever imagined.  Curling up on our bed with them after a long day, reading Mercer Mayer books, smelling just-washed heads, is a dream come true.  Spontaneous hugs and I love you's along with the hilarious things they say (Jack the other day said, "Mom, if we had a pet spider, it wouldn't have to be hairy, it would eat all the flies in our house and would never go hungry") make all the hard work worth it.

It almost feels greedy to wish for a girl.  To desire a daughter when we have three healthy sons.  

I guess only time will tell.  God only knows what's in store for our future.  But for now, I am trying to enjoy the three I was blessed with, even if they won't wear pink ruffles for me!

One of Those Days

 Oh man. Do you ever just have one of those days?

(Insert friendly nodding as we all collectively lift our coffee mugs for a sip.)

Today was that day.

My Tuesdays tend to be long, even if they're good days.  Daddy's gone from morning till night-- school followed by class followed by homework-- and this mama's on her own for all of it.  

But today wasn't a good day. It wasn't even an okay day. It was a bad day.  

Now that it's over, it's okay to admit that. It's okay to admit defeat.  

It started last night. At one a.m. Logan came in complaining about his ear hurting.  Then again at two a.m I was awakened by Logan & Jack, together, complaining about not feeling well.  At 4:30am Logan was up again about his ear, and finally at 5:45am I got up and climbed into Logan's bed, barking occasionally at the boys when they would talk or try to get out of bed.

Finally at 6:30am the light turned green and I gave up on the sweet dream of sleep.  Instead we got up, got dressed, made beds and started our day.  Josh, who had been up all night coughing himself, got in the shower and then let me have a turn.  

Before I knew it, the day was in full swing.  

We did school, which takes forever lately. Between the boys' extra long reading lessons, which I (obviously) have to do twice, and potty training Wyatt ("Are you pooping? Do you need to poop? Where does poop go?") we're lucky to get school finished by lunch time!  Today was no exception.  

Then after snack Logan was playing in their tent, which we set up in the living room, and he tripped coming out of it. He smacked his poor little eye/glasses on the bottom step of the stairs, smashing his glasses and splitting his eyebrow.  It was bleeding so much at first that I called Josh in a panic, worrying he'd need stitches.  Josh flew home, leaving class in the middle, to check on us.  He assured me that it was just some small cuts and he'd be okay.  

During all of this, Jack, crying hysterically, had fled upstairs, and lay sobbing on his bed while we tended to Logan. Once Logan had stopped crying, and we'd made sure he was going to be okay, I followed up with Jack.  He said Logan had been crying so hard, it scared him.  He was shook up all afternoon.  Sweet boy.

Josh was able to go back to class and the boys and I carried on about our evening.  I made lasagna, tickled Wyatt and emptied the upstairs trash.  I asked Logan, just before the lasagna was done, to take the garbage into the arctic entry for me. Instead of doing that, he thought it'd be fun to play dodgeball with Jack with it.  Well, Jack's got a knack for dodgeball, so he naturally ducked... And instead the flying bag of trash hit my Scentsy warmer, splashing warm, blue Luna wax all over my curtain, wall, heater and flooring.  

I took a deep breath (it smells delightful), and walked away. 

In fact, it's still there. I'm not ready yet.

It's still too soon.

Instead I retrieved the lasagna from the oven and set the table.  Then while the boys ate, I attempted warming the metal on Logan's glasses with my blow dryer, and bending them back into shape with Josh's needle nose pliers.  Instead, I busted them.  I was nearly in tears.  I called Josh to apologize.  We just spent $331 on Jack's new pair of glasses (after his lens got lost in the snow), so breaking Logan's pair feels like adding insult to injury.  Josh assured me it was okay, and thankfully he agrees that glasses are imperative so we will see about fixing this pair, but if that doesn't work, we'll do whatever it takes to get him another pair as quickly as possible.

My day ended more peacefully than it began.  The kids, being sick, all fell asleep very quickly, and I really enjoyed watching the newest episode of The Little Couple, where they picked up their absolutely adorable baby girl in India.  

And the best news?

Tomorrow's another day.

Thank goodness!

Let's Chat

Good morning!

Happy Friday!

It's been a while, so this hodge-podge post, with bits & pieces of everything should catch us up.  Grab your morning coffee, I'll slice you a piece of apple cake & let's chat!

Tuesday we spent two and a half hours at the clinic getting Logan, Wyatt and myself checked out.  We have all had coughs, Wyatt's being the worst, for about two weeks.  Logan and my lungs were clear, but Wyatt's are super junky, so he was given albuterol nebulizer treatments. 

Thankfully our friends Joe & Krista, who have four kiddos of their own, have a nebulizer on hand that they don't mind loaning out.

Wyatt has been really good about his treatments, and slowly he's getting better.

We are in full swing with homeschool, working into our seventh week back from Christmas break.  The twins' focus is back and their skills are constantly amazing Josh and I.

Reading in particular is going great.  They are sounding out words all over the place, on TV, in magazines and of course in our bedtime stories.  I am so proud of them.

 Their ability to read more has reignited their love for their Tag readers, and I love finding them listening and reading along all over the house.

We have so much more sunlight these days. It's very exciting. 

When Josh leaves for work in the mornings, I can see the sunlight peeking, barely, over the mountain out front, and it is so happy to me!  Our sunrise is at 9:14am and the sunset is at 6:50pm.  

The boys have been enjoying two new shows as of late. 

Wallykazaam

and

Sheriff Callie's Wild West

I particularly love Wallykazaam, pictured above, which teaches rhyming words, sounding out and other reading skills. The boys sit, shouting answers at the TV, Wyatt mimicking them, and it's so adorable.

My anxiety was bad Sunday, Monday & Tuesday.  But the rest of the week has been looking up, and this morning I feel more like myself than I have in months. I attribute this to a myriad of things, primarily exercising, counseling, and using my gratitude journal.

Having a few really good days gets me excited for a future that is anxiety-free, or at least less anxiety-filled!

This week I have been very focused on organizing the house.  Primarily I think I have been doing this to avoid doing the dishes... But whatever motivates us, right?!?

Jack and I worked very hard on the pantry and I was pleased with the results. It's much more user friendly, plus I have a better idea of what inventory I have.

Part of what spurred my kitchen organizing was placing a Span Alaska grocery order.  The school is placing an order, and if we place one at the same time, we can save on shipping, which is normal $1.63 per pound. (That adds up quick when you are ordering two 50lb. bags of flour, plus other groceries!)

So I needed an idea of what we had and what we needed, and the only way to do that was to jump in the deep end.  It's a painful process, but I am always so happy to have it done.

In addition to organizing the house, I've been working on re-reading Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham.  Peaceful Parenting has been so good for our family, but is a challenge to my old ways, so I have to constantly remind myself how to better handle situations.  

The three basic tenets of the book are:

1. Regulate Yourself as a Parent

2. Foster a Connection with Your Child

3. Coach, don't Control

The hardest part for me is to slow down when I'm overwhelmed and take the time to listen to the boys, hear what they're saying (feeling) and acknowledge that.  It's also hard for me to keep my own temper in check and be the example they need.  Remembering to "breathe" and "choose love" also helps.

We also talk a lot, the boys and I, about how making mistakes simply means we get to try again. That's been as important for them as it has been for me.  Every morning we talk about our goals for the day- no hitting, no yelling, better listening, etc. -and we promise we're going to try our best to meet our goals and help each other remember.  We haven't "arrived" yet, but we're getting there!

If you remember, a while back, Jack's glasses lost a lens in the snow. Well, his new pair came this week, and I am overjoyed! We ordered him a different pair because we'd been so unhappy with his, and we made the right choice.  These ones stay on his face, right where they should be, and I can tell already his reading has improved with his eyesight.

In addition to organizing and peaceful parenting, we've also been potty training the last two weeks.  It's going pretty well, if slow, but I am confident Wyatt will catch on quickly.  His brothers are a huge help, asking constantly if he needs to go, and cheering when he does.

When he goes potty on his potty chair, he gets a candy corn, and let me tell you-- he loves those things! They are very motivating!

Josh is over half way done with his master's degree (he'll graduate in June) and I think we're both in shock that it's going so quickly!

This week someone from the district came in and recorded him teaching, so I got to see him in action. It was really fun to watch him, in his element, interacting with his students. It made me swell with pride.  He's so good at what he does.

This weekend he's hoping to go moose hunting.  The weather is supposed to be nice, and we'd really like some more moose meat in the freezer.  I'm hoping it's gorgeous so that while he's gone, the boys and I can play out.

Yesterday was a super productive day for me.  I gave the big boys haircuts and made apple cake with caramel frosting, both with great results!

I'm hoping today is productive as well. I have these piles on my computer desk that are driving me crazy, and I'd also like to write a few of my pen pals.

Lately, this little one wants a cat.  When we were skyping with Josh's mom earlier this week, she held her cat Wilbur so Wyatt could see it, and he goes, "Aww, look at that sweet cat! Can I have it?" We aren't interested in having pets out here, so his little beanie baby, named Angel, is going to have to do for now.

And finally, volume. Holy loudness!  My children are so incredibly loud. I am constantly amazed by the decibels reached during playtime.  Wyatt is into screaming lately, particularly screaming at his brothers.  I'm hoping it's just a phase... but with twin brothers, perhaps he's always going to need to be extra loud to be heard.

***

I hope your Friday is full of happy loudness, as I know mine will be!

Thanks for stopping by!

Life Lately

I am so glad, this dreary Monday morning, that you could come over so we could catch up.  Thanks to my oh-so-thoughtful Illinois farm-living friend Kristina, my kitchen table has a bowl that is used to be full of apples. It's about half full now, because last night I made apple cake with  my mom's recipe.

I will tell you that when I gave myself a taste of the frosting, I teared up because the taste made me physically ache, missing her.  But other than the emotional outburst that it's awesomeness caused, it's pretty much the most delicious thing I've tasted since I got here.

So, let me get you a piece to go with your coffee, and we'll sit down & chat.

---

{moonrise}

 If I seem a little extra chipper this morning, it's because I actually slept last night! I went upstairs for bed at 9:30pm, not bad considering my goal was 9pm. And I was asleep by 10pm.  I set a small goal this week to wake up everyday before the kids.  So my alarm went off at 5:30am.  It was hard to get up. I may have laid there for 15 minutes deciding if I was really going to get up or not... But once I did, I was so glad I did.  That quiet time is priceless.

It lasted about fifteen minutes, and then Jack was up. But he was pretty good, letting me finish up what I was doing without interrupting, which I appreciated.

---

Our weeks have been really crazy. And by crazy, I mean, Josh has been gone more often than not in the evenings.  Feeling overwhelmed about it last Monday, I decided I needed a game plan to get through each day. So I jotted down the days, picked out meals (dinners & lunches) and decided what I would do during my free time in the evenings once the boys were down.  Having a daily plan, plus knowing what fun thing I'd get to do once I got the boys down, really helped me get through the long days.

We are in full swing with Homeschooling, which also helps us get through because it give our days such great structure.  Working toward my September Goals has kept me going each day, too.

I have started some October goals, which I will share next week.

---

I took an afternoon this week to hang new pictures in the house.  

I am especially happy with how it looks above my sink.  

Nice to have something happy to look at while I'm doing all these dishes.

---

Something that's been heavy on my heart this month is my new goal of "No Yelling."  I knew I couldn't tackle this beast on my own. So I did a little research and found this book: 

Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham

I will be doing a post all about the book (which I am not even half way through), but today I want to share that Saturday I went an entire day with no yelling! Hooray for success!

---

Another biggie in "Life Lately" has been food.  A few weeks ago all the teachers came together to place a Span Alaska grocery order for both dry & frozen/refrigerated goods.  While waiting for our order to come, we ran out of both flour & milk, which are key ingredients in nearly every food we cook.  Finally, after about two weeks, we found flour at the co op, which made me happy beyond belief! (This five pound bag was $7.00!)

And our neighbor came to borrow batteries and "paid" us in shelf milk!  Then Joe (the principal) was in Anchorage and brought us back a big box of powdered milk.  He was our hero!

Then last night, after dinner, the call came in:

Our Span order had come!

We got about 3/4 of our order yesterday. Hopefully the rest will come today or tomorrow.  I can't remember if I shared with you, but our Span order was $2100.00. Ouch!  But man, let me tell you, knowing I have enough food to feed my family, and seeing that freezer full of goods, it's totally worth it!

---

The temperatures here are dropping.  

This frosty tundra greeted me one morning last week.  

The boys are already having to wear gloves and hats when we go out, and this girl is pulling out the wool socks!  Brr!

Josh took this picture of his phone Thursday.  

It was calling for snow Tuesday.  This was a little bit breaking our hearts.  

Well, we didn't have to wait until Tuesday. Instead it snowed yesterday.  First day of fall and it's snowing in Marshall. That's life in rural Alaska for you!

---

The last "Life Lately" update is that Wyatt is finally getting his two year molars.  I have been kind of waiting for them to come, and when he was tantruming & crying, completely out of character, on Saturday morning, I knew I should check his gums. Sure enough, I can feel one poking through on the upper right.  He's been more emotional, needy & just plain grouchy.  Knowing the cause makes it easier for me to scoop him up & love on him because I know he's just hurting. Poor guy!

~

I hope you have a good Monday & a great week, friend.

Thanks for coming by.

hello friend

Let's have a cup of coffee together.  Come in, kick off your shoes and curl up on the opposite end of the couch with me. It's getting cold here, so be sure to wear your wool socks.  I'll pour us each a cup, and we can catch up.

I feel like the blog has been a whirlwind of activity the last month, 

so I'm happy to have the chance to finally really sit down and chat.

Wanna come in the playroom for a sec, actually? 
I got the new rug I ordered from Target and I am so in love with it!  
Isn't it cute?

Moving back to the couch... 

I have been working on some goals for September, the ones I posted on the blog, remember?  They're going really well.  I am down to four books.  I finished the boys' reading curriculum and just today finished Falling Together by Marisa de los Santos.  I liked it, but I have to say Belong To Me was better.  

Now I am working to finish How Children Learn by John Holt.  I am determined after that to finish The Great Influenza, which I am half way through, and which is, I must say, the biggest novel I have read since college!

The reading has helped with going to bed on time. The first week, I was going to bed really well. Upstairs at 9, asleep by 10pm.  The kids have been sleeping through the night, which is a miracle, and bedtime has been really smooth for them, too.  I am so grateful to have them sleeping.  It's been years since I slept through the night.  

But this weekend I slipped back into my old habits and went to bed too late.  But I'm not letting a little backsliding get me down. I am determined to keep going to bed early.  Getting enough sleep makes me such a pleasant mom and human being.  

Lately I have been having really intense dreams.  Last week I dreamed I lived in a halfway house with other women.  They were all struggling to pull their lives together, and the worst part was we all six had to share one bathroom!  

Then last night I dreamed that I couldn't sit in a row with the twins and hold Wyatt in my lap on the airplane.  He had to sit with a stranger, far away from me.  I was so upset. I just wanted him in.my.arms.

School for the twins has been going really well. I can't believe it's only been one week. We are in such a great groove, it feels like we've been at it forever.  They are loving the reading and the math.  I am enjoying Calendar time and read-aloud.  Wyatt joins us for calendar and I say "Criss cross applesauce, hands in your lap" to encourage the boys to have a seat.  He goes, "Applesauce, mom!" all proud of himself for sitting right.  

I have also been reading the twins chapter books during Wyatt's nap, which all three of us love.  Right now we're working our way through our collection of Junie B. Jones books. She is hilarious and they are right up the boys' alley.

I am really happy with how everything came together when I organized all our school stuff.  The new bookshelves make access to all of it so convenient.  I feel like when I ask the boys to do quiet activities, choosing is a lot easier now than it used to be for them.  Anything that makes quiet activity time simpler makes this mama happy!

Even though things are going really well (school... the house... sleep...) I must admit that I am still reeling from that awful bout of anxiety I just survived.  I find myself talking back to my thoughts a lot. 

 Logan had a fever today.  No other symptoms.  He has cancer, my internal voice whispered this morning. No. Nope. We're not going there, I said back.  That's how it is. One minute I am fine, the next a completely unreasonable thought enters my head. It's my job to talk back. To shut the fear down. It is exhausting.

But I do find that it's working. I am having less negative thoughts.  Less panic.  No heart palpitations.  And no tears.  I feel so grateful.  I am euphoric in the absence of it.  Feeding my kids, bathing them, putting them bed. Doing these ordinary, everyday things feels so good.  I am so happy.

We've been home a month now and while I am mourning summer's end, I am excited about fall and the coming holidays.  This little guy has grown so much in the last month. Everyday he is losing more of his baby chubs, and while I know I'm lucky they stuck around as long as they did, I am still sad about it!  He is looking more and more like a big boy, with an attitude to match.  "I do it myself, mom," he tells me.  I both love and hate it.

Well, it's 8:57am, and school starts at 9am, so I better let you go start your day.  
I hope it's a good one.
Thanks for the chat.  
{hugs}