October Goals

 I have had the sudden realization that my birthday is in about six weeks.
I'll be turning thirty-six.  I kind of cannot believe that I will be thirty-six.

So far this year (since January) I have gotten on Prozac (an anti-depressant used to combat anxiety), started seeing a counselor (to learn strategies for living with stress & keeping my health worries at bay), began walking everyday (for both my mental and physical health) and tried meditating, as well as lost 33 pounds from eating healthier (real food, less processed junk & less sugar). 

This month I am wanting to give a little extra punch to my normal routine of counseling, walking & eating right, so I'm adding on a few goals.  To get myself ready for the big THREE-SIX.

1) No Social Media
You know when you hear something over and over (and over) again and you think, "Okay God. I hear you!"!?!
Well that was me about social media the last two weeks.  I found myself continuously thinking about how much time I was wasting on my phone, how distracted I was as a mother & wife, and how I wasn't getting done the things I wanted to be spending my time on. (ie home projects, blogging and reading books)
Then I listened to this podcast with Jen Hatmaker and Glennon Doyle, and that was a final straw.  I was done.  I deleted Facebook and Instagram off my phone, and the weirdest thing happened, you guys.
I felt FREE. Just, free.  Like, untethered.  Set loose.  It's been the most bizarre feeling.  I thought I would miss it, or ache for it, or pine for it. But I don't.  I just feel like I'm suddenly allowed to live. Really live.
The goal is to continue with none for the rest of October and then reassess at the end of the month and go from there.

2) Push Up Challenge
While I am super happy with how strong my body is now, and how I have shrunk since January, I would like to tighten my arms up, so I am going to do a daily push up challenge.
I started today with 10 push ups and I will do 1 additional push up each day through the end of the month. I sure hope I can do that many by the end of the month. Hah!!!

3) Blogtober
One time, when we lived in Alaska, I participated in a monthlong blog challenge called "Blogtober", where we blogged everyday in the month of October.  I remember really enjoying it, and getting caught up on all the drafts in my dashboard, so I am going to do the same thing this month.  It'll be the perfect opportunity to catch up on all the fun events I missed blogging over summer, and I think it'll be a really fun creative outlet since I've stepped away from Instagram and Facebook where I usually post daily thoughts & pictures.

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A fresh month just feels like a great time to make a list of goals and try to make them come true.  Also, October is notoriously hard for me because October is when I miscarried for the first time back in 2014, and it's like my body knows, so I get kind of down.  I have found having goals and shaking things up a bit tends to help me.

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And in case my list of goals, idyllic picture with my daughter or the fact that I am going off social media is making you feel bad about yourself, here's an outtake from our photo shoot.

That is my actual face (please double click on it. I'll wait...) while screaming "Jack Sawyer" because he was throwing his little brother down in the wet grass in his fancy "picture" clothes while I was doing pictures with his sister further up the path.

Oh parenting. You just never get dull. ;)

Around Here: Week Twelve {2018}

Reading... The Immortalists and finishing Station Eleven.  Station Eleven was so good.  It was intriguing and I could not stop listening.  I had my head phones on constantly, just to listen for ten more minutes here, ten more minutes there.  The way the story was woven together, all the characters eventually linking to each other, was like magic.  The Immortalists is also really intriguing, although, I will warn you that I was surprised by the colorful descriptions of one of the characters sexual exploits in part one. Despite the very graphic nature of some parts of those chapters, the book is just so well written.  I am constantly highlighting beautiful lines that make me stop and take a deep breath.  I can't wait to keep reading and see what comes of these four siblings.

Feeling... really tense.  As I keep eating healthier, I am turning to food less as a means of dealing with my emotions.  But the negative side of that is that I am finding myself more tense in my body since my old way of dealing with stress is no longer working. (Goodbye cookies & ice cream.  Farewell stacks of Ritz crackers.)  I am making goals for April and they include working out each day, which I am hoping will help tackle the tension that is building in my body each day as I parent and deal with life's stresses.

Managing... four sick kids who were home on rotation, and one day all together (what the actual heck!?!) this week.  Runny noses and coughs, even a little vomiting from Wyatt who ended up with (another) ear infection.  He was a wreck!  Every time he sneezes, he just bursts into tears. It hurts so bad. I am praying the antibiotics start working quick so he can have some relief, poor buddy.  Even Carly got sick with a little runny nose, and she is just the cutest ever wiping her own nose with a kleenex.

Back to...  no yelling, with only two days this month where I've lost my temper. It feels good to be back on track.

Enjoying... Josh's parentings visiting this weekend.  They hung out Friday night and then took the three boys all day Saturday out to their land.  Josh and I enjoyed the break, Josh working in the garage and me in the house with Carly toddling around and me reading to my heart's content.  It was a blissful break and one I didn't realize I desperately needed.  (Thank you, Carol!)

Eating... all the crab I wanted at the crab feed Saturday night.  My girlfriends from book club (along with their significant others) went to a crab feed fundraiser here in town (one of them bought our tickets in kindness!) and oh my goodness did we have a good time!  So much laughter and good food.  Thanks for the laughs, as always, ladies.  I'm so glad you're in my life!

Grateful... my sister was willing to drive an hour and a half both ways to watch the kids so Josh and I could enjoy that date with my book club friends.  We don't get out often, so it was super special to go on a real date.  And it was a double bonus that he got to meet my friends!

Coaching... a few of my new friends as they navigate the interview the process with VIPkid.  It's a lengthy process (an application, followed by an interview followed by a Mock Class) with lots of questions, but I'm more than happy to help you along if you're struggling.  Click here if you'd like to apply, and please reach out if you have any questions about teaching with VIPkid. (Before, after or during the process!)

Helping... Wyatt process some emotions as he played "ambulance" with Carly's Paw Patrol firetruck, pretending the bunny on the "stretcher" couldn't breathe and needed to be taken to Spokane to a different hospital.  I just happened to be at the picnic table as he played, listening to the scenario play out.  Later we talked about how he felt when he was in the ER and then transferred to the PICU at the children's hospital an hour and a half away.  Funny enough, he says he had no fear. He felt excited to go in an ambulance and calm because he really liked the EMT's (so did I) and he thought it was a longer drive than I said it was because he slept so good.  It was nice to talk it through with him and hear that although the ordeal was, honestly, traumatizing for me, he was far less concerned.

Ordering... a new summer swimsuit while dreaming of days spent poolside with my kiddos!

Gearing up... for baseball season for our three boys.  Josh is helping coach the twins, while Carly and I will shuttle Wyatt back and forth to his practices and games.  Here's hoping it all goes smooth and that somehow we can still get family dinners on the table!

Eye appointments... for four of us this week (the three boys and me) and hearing good news for all three boys! The twins eyes in particular have improved from this time last year, but even Wyatt's are better than they were. (His prescription is the smallest, barely necessary.)  It was nice to hear that!  It was also nice to choose all new glasses, and to be able to find glasses that fit their growing faces.  We also opted to get transition lenses for the twins because they often take off their prescription lenses to wear sunglasses, and that's really not safe (especially for Logan, whose prescription is over 5.0) Plus they spend so much time outdoors!

Feeling... not quite like myself after an exhausting week worrying about my kids.  I thought maybe I was starting to get depressed, or that anxiety was digging her claws into me, but a good talk with my mom and a look back at the week I had and I realized I am just wiped out.  I think a relaxing weekend with some down time (I took Saturday night off from teaching) and some extra sleep will help get me back to feeling like myself.

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I'M NOT YELLING!!!

(This post was started about two weeks ago):

I went an entire week without yelling, you guys! (Actually, even more than that. It's been like nine days!) The funny thing is, I wasn't even that focused on it. Like I didn't stop each morning and think, "Don't be a crazy beast, today, okay mama?"

Ha!

I have been, however, much more aware of my time constraints and what I want to get done. So I've been writing a lot of lists and prioritizing ruthlessly.  And my priorities have been: get the Christmas cards/shopping done; spend time with the kids; keep the house running smoothly.  Anything that fell outside of those three goals was pushed to the wayside and will wait for January.

I have read so much on Not Yelling, that I can't remember what tips came from where, but one of the tips I came across was to spend at least a week watching when & why you yell before you start changing things.  That way you can try to problem solve some of the causes, and can know at what point you are most likely to lose it.  It's also important to know why you want to quit yelling.

So here are the basics: 

Yelling makes me feel shitty about myself. 

I am the one making me yell.  I relinquish control when I yell.

I want to quit yelling because:

a) I want to feel like a good mom

b) I want to model self control for my children.

What makes me yell?

• Wasting my time or running late
• Wasting money (the kids being wasteful or careless)
• The boys fighting (hitting or being unkind)
• Feeling out of control (particularly when the house is a giant mess)

I have noticed that I yell the most on Sundays. How weird is that? I assume it's because I am preparing for a big week ahead, and we clean house on Sunday. So stress is a big factor.

In terms of time of day, I yell most in the mornings on our way out the door or when they fight (particularly when I'm in the shower).

I have also noticed I do not yell in public. Only at home.  

Many times I'm yelling because I have unreasonable expectations, or because the expectations I have are unclear.  Solving the unclear expectations was easy- I just made sure I told the kids what I expected.  

Adjusting my expectations to be more realistic was much harder.  I honestly feel like my kids should be able to get along for six minutes while I shower and ten more minutes while I do my hair & makeup.  But they have proven time and again that they cannot.  

"Should" is a dangerous word when it comes to parenting, and if you find yourself using it, proceed with caution. I decided to let go of that expectation, and now I only shower twice during the school week, and use dry shampoo the other days.  This minimizes the amount of time they are left to their own devices, and makes for much smoother mornings.  I also introduced a half hour of TV time on the days I do shower.  We used to adhere to a strict "no screens" rule during the school week, but for my sanity, I have added that little bit of TV time so I can shower and get ready in peace.

My point in telling you all of this?

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!  It's okay to bend (or completely change!) the rules so that what you're doing works for you.  That half hour of TV time makes all the difference on the mornings I shower.  I also make sure that I eat every day before school drop off so I'm not hangry (hungry+angry).  Make sure you take care of you so you can better take care of them.

Something Ralphie (from Simply on Purpose) says is to try looking for the good.  Whatever you look for, you will see.  So I've been trying to really stop and relish (or even praise) the behavior I see that thrills me as a mom.  (A good spelling test, a kindness for their sibling, random hugs...)

The last thing I've been doing is watching the stories I tell myself about the situation (thank you, Eckhart Tolle!), meaning when Logan doesn't want to vacuum, it doesn't mean he is a lazy human who will live on my couch until he's 42.  When Wyatt is whining about putting his laundry away, it doesn't mean he will be an unruly, ungrateful teenager.  In that same vein, I need to stay in this moment.  Don't look forward, don't project, just do the next right thing in my current situation, and that will get me all the way through this crazy adventure we call parenting. 

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I Believe In You

Oh man, you guys.  On Monday I lost it. Like, lost it BIG TIME.  Like crazy person yelling & swearing before school all because Logan closed out my tab on the computer and lost something I'd spent Sunday night working on. I was frustrated to be sure, but that's no excuse.  

My children didn't make me lose my temper.  I let myself lose my temper.  My children are not in control of my body, I am in control of my body.  And I know that how I react when I'm angry is teaching them how to react when they're angry. 

And Monday I screwed up. 

Big. 

And when I could (should) have taken a deep breath, apologized and stopped my tirade, I carried on because yelling felt good in that moment.  That's the truth --when I'm mad, yelling and being mad at whoever made me mad feels good.  Yelling feels justified and makes me feel vindicated.  But about ten seconds later, I feel sick.  Physically and emotionally.  I spent the rest of  Monday trying to move on.

I apologized to the kids before drop off, promising that just because I screwed up & fell off the no-yelling wagon didn't mean I was giving up.  I also texted Josh for support and I prayed for forgiveness for treating my kids like that.  But the only thing that got me through the day was knowing that Tuesday I was going to have a do over, a blank slate, a fresh chance to do better.  Thank God for that, right?

The other thing that got me through is the note Logan wrote to encourage me.
He handed it to me in the hallway just before dinner. 

"I know it is a habit.  

It takes time and it is hard for everyone to break a habit.

I believe in you."

That last line is the one that gets me.  I cannot believe how many times it has popped into my mind over the last three days.  It makes me want to tell all my people how much I believe in them, because those four words have inspired me so much this week.  

So for all you mama's out there trying to be better, 

I believe in you.

Let's not give up in our pursuit of becoming amazing moms.

We can do this.

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Around Here: Week 42

 

Reeling... from Logan having a seizure this weekend, and the corresponding news from his neurologist that he is due for a medication increase.  When we were first putting him on meds back in January, it was a long (long) road as his body adjusted.  He suffered stomach aches, headaches, dizziness and lots of anxiety.  So increasing his meds is making me nervous to say the least.  Prayers for an easy adjustment are welcome.

Visiting... my sister & her family this weekend while Josh worked on his parents land building a pump house.  We let the kids go wild in their costumes at a park near her house and they had so much fun. It was a great way to spend a Saturday in October.

Sharing... a new post, as well as some older posts, about miscarriage as we celebrated Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15th.  I'll post all the links here so you can read them more easily.

• Pregnancy Loss Awareness
• Every Feeling
• Life After Miscarriage
• Extending Grace
• Hope After Miscarriage
• Not Allowed

Created... more cards for my Etsy shop this week during nap time and uploaded them this morning.  So many cute cards-- check them out!!!

Not yelling... and sharing an update on the blog.  Basically I haven't been yelling in three weeks, and it feels so good.  I am still occasionally sending the boys to their room for a minute while I calm down, but for the most part I am able to keep my cool, which is a huge change from September.

Reading... nothing this week except for The Magician's Elephant which I am reading to the boys at bedtime.  Up next is How Will You Measure Your Life by Clayton Christensen, which Ralphie from @simplyonpurpose recommended.

Surviving... seven days (in.a.row) of migraines.  What a nightmare that was.  Thank goodness for Sumatriptan.  It makes me feel like garbage for about two hours, but then the side effects (and the headache) are gone for good!

Enjoying... meeting for coffee & playdates with my friends here.  They are such a blessing to me as I navigate October, which is a notoriously hard month for me.  October 2013 I suffered terrible depression & anxiety while living in rural Alaska, October 2014 I suffered my first miscarriage, also in rural Alaska.  October 2015 I was pregnant with Carly & living without Josh (because he was gone teaching in rural Alaska). And last October, I was adjusting to the boys in school and living in our new hometown, which was hard as summer ended.  I had been doing well this month, but Logan's seizure along with a few other stressors have thrown me for a bit of a loop, so I'm allowing myself to do whatever it takes to get through the days.  If that means I have coffee & playdates four days a week, so be it!  I know that I have to be functioning for this family to keep functioning, so I am going to take care of myself as much as possible.

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Three Weeks of No Yelling

When I made the decision to quit yelling, I happened upon a blog that I follow (that I love & that makes me laugh, but be forewarned about the swearing!) and saw that she had a banner at the top of her page (click that link and you'll see it along the top) about quitting yelling.  So I clicked on it and was sent an email asking me questions about my yelling.  

Answering those questions was super helpful, and I found these things about myself:

I yell when the kids are:

• wasting my time
• wasting my money (by being wasteful or careless)
• fighting with each other (hitting or being unkind with their words)

It's often when we are running late or heading out the door, or when the house is a mess & I feel out of control.  

It is absolutely ridiculous how much just knowing WHEN I am likely to yell reduced my yelling behavior.  Like recognizing it took away some of its power.  Knowing when I yell was also helpful because now I have been able to make some changes to those times (mostly to our morning routine).

I have also been more purposeful with setting expectations (a trick I learned from Josh's awesome classroom management) and letting the kids know exactly what I am looking for before a situation presents itself.  

Aside from Susie and Josh's inspiration, my friend Emily told me about SimplyOnPurpose's Instagram, and I am seriously in love.  Everyday she is inspiring me (in simple ways) to be a better mom.  She says our goals in parenting should be:

1) teaching

2) modeling happiness

3) being purposeful (through reflection & redirection) 

4) looking for the good in our children

She recommends ignoring the junk behavior & instead praising the good behavior, something Josh swears works wonders in his classroom, and I am on board.  It's hard to switch gears from looking for misbehavior to looking for good behavior, but I am convinced it will be worth the effort. 

Any other advice on not yelling? 

When do you most yell? 

I'd love to hear from other mama's in the trenches! 

We got this, girls!!!

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Around Here: Week 41

 

{one of my new Etsy miscarriage cards}

{Baby Shelly, two years old}

Receiving... flowers from Josh for no reason. Which is, of course, my favorite reason of all.  He walked in the door and I saw his arm full of fall flowers, and I felt like a teenager again.  Swoon!

Cleaning... house for guests this weekend.  I ran out of time Thursday since Carly didn't nap and two of the three boys came home early not feeling good, so I blasted through cleaning in a little under two hours after school let out, and was shocked at how much I got done!  Along with cleaning, I did a lot of random, spur of the moment purging, which felt amazing, and which I hope to continue when the boys go back to school next week.  I was inspired by Not-Your-Average-Mom.com's recent posts on decluttering.  She is inspiring me to get rid of ALL THE THINGS in the tiny room our three boys share. I started yesterday with baby toys, and if you know me, you know that I really (really) struggle getting rid of things that are from my babies.  So I was super proud of myself.
I am also enjoying a few new additions to the bathroom I cleaned (seen above), including a new super fluffy rug I found for $9 at Ross and a garbage with a lid that closes.  It's ridiculous how much those two little improvements have brought me joy, and spruced up that room.

Realizing... that Carly is my mini-me.  I was looking at pictures from my second birthday party (on this post), and it was like looking at my daughter who had gone back in time to 1984.  Ha!  Josh's genes are STRONG in our boys, so I am especially grateful that Carly looks like me!

Reading... The Elite & The Heir (books 2 & 3 in The Selection series) and really enjoying them.  They are light hearted and fun to listen to as I do chores around the house.   I am also reading The Shakeress.  And with the boys I'm reading The Magician's Elephant.

Reflecting... on my miscarriages and working on a post that will go live Sunday (which is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day).  Then all next week I will be sharing miscarriage posts I've written.  As time has passed since my loss, I have come to see what a different journey pregnancy loss is for every woman, and I've been inspired recently to create a line of pregnancy loss cards for my Etsy shop so that we can let those losses be acknowledged & remembered.

Celebrating... every single sale in my shop as it helps put food on our table.  I am truly feeling so blessed to be bringing in a little money doing something that I love.

Accepting... that Carly is my last baby.  I simply know that I could not be sliced any further.  (Imagine I am a pie, cut into four pieces, one for each of my kids...) I am someone who could be pregnant all day long, and (barring the first six weeks postpartum) someone who enjoys the infant stage... but as Carly has gotten older, having four kids has only gotten harder.  Meeting all their needs is spreading me pretty thin, and I just know that one more baby would push me over the edge.

Painting... the molding around my new windows, and planning to paint the cabinets in both our bathrooms.  They have only been (barely) painted with primer, and look awful.  I told Josh that this can of trim paint he bought me is like "If you give a mouse a cookie" for adults.  "If you buy a girl some trim paint..."
... she might want to paint the bathroom cabinets.
... and then she'll want to paint the kitchen cabinets.
... and then she'll start dreaming of painting the interior trim & doors.
... and then she'll want to spray paint the baseboard heaters...
And on and on it goes!

Yelling... less often.  Also, I'm swearing less.  I feel really good about the changes I've made.  I am sad to say it has increased timeouts, because when I want to yell I tell the kids to go to their rooms so I can't yell at them.  But they all know I am trying not to yell, so they've been very compliant. I think it will keep improving.  Right now, I am working really hard at planning ahead the night before.  Every night before bed, I look at the following day and prepare as much as possible beforehand.  I have also been choosing what to worry about & what to let go.  Basically, choosing not to yell has made me much more deliberate in my parenting, which is a great side effect.

Visiting... the library this morning with my whole crew, as they had the day off for Teacher Inservice.  Wyatt checked out a bunch of books on money, which he has been fascinated about recently.  He wants to know who invented money and what other countries use for money.  So these books will be fun to read.  I also have been checking out board books for Carly, which I never did with my other kids.  She loves to read new books and I feel like it includes her more in our outing, and in the reading culture we're trying to create in our home.
There are a few ways I try to create excitement about reading with our kids.  One is reading every.single.night.  Josh reads them picture books, which I think is good for people of any age!!! And then the boys all go lay in their beds and read to themselves (chapter books) for twenty minutes.  Then I read aloud (from a chapter book) and tuck them in.  In addition to just making plenty of time for reading, I also have holiday/season books that I pull out as each holiday/season approaches.  I just pulled out all the fall/Halloween books, and now you can almost always find Wyatt on the floor in the living room, his nose in a book about trick or treating.  Makes my reading heart so dang happy!!!

 Today I'm closing with a question:

Do you have a favorite winter/holiday book?

Please share!!!

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