When I had my first miscarriage in October of 2014, I remember so distinctly the people who sent cards & gifts, and who were willing to talk about my lost baby and my subsequent lost dreams in the weeks after. My Uncle Steve sent a card to let me know he was thinking of me; my friend Katie sent a care package with pajamas and slippers, and my sister & friend Kari texted constantly, telling me not to lose hope. Those messages of love & support after my loss meant the world to me.
Thinking back on the village that surrounded me during that time has inspired me to create a new line of cards in my Etsy shop specifically for pregnancy loss & miscarriage. It's such a taboo topic that many women go through this heartbreaking life experience not only feeling empty from the lost life that once warmed their wombs, but also from the lack of love & understanding they receive from those around them.
Let me say this, I know it's hard to know what to say.
But let me also tell you this,
it's not so much what you say as it is the heart behind it.
For instance, when my friend told me "Maybe it just wasn't the right time", I felt the love behind those words and took them as comfort. When my counselor told me, "Maybe mama just wasn't ready for another baby", I felt angry and frustrated that she didn't understand. The difference was that my friend was trying to comfort me whereas the counselor was giving me platitudes in hopes of making me move on.
So my advice to you? Say something. Anything. Even a simple, "I'm thinking of you" can mean so much as a mama traverses the rocky road of miscarriage. Reach out and feel free to talk about the pregnancy, the baby and would-have-been future. Sharing our grief lightens our load. Also don't be afraid to talk about the future. I had a hard time imagining future pregnancies after my initial loss (I had two subsequent pregnancies-- one that ended in another miscarriage and one that ended with Carly!) so hearing other people talk about the future reminded me that these feelings, this sense of loss, would not last forever. There was hope on the horizon. (Thank you, Kari, for all those talks!)
In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month, I will be sharing one miscarriage post every day this week. These are posts I've written over time in the three years since my loss. Every woman's journey is different and I think it's important that we know we aren't alone as we experience the loss of our babies.
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2 comments:
I had two miscarriages between my boys and had never heard of a rainbow baby until the last few years. I just say that second child was destined to be a holiday baby because I was essentially due on Halloween, then Valentine's Day, and then he was born on St. Patrick's Day (2 1/2 weeks early).
Mine were very early and I didn't feel so heartbroken as I know some people do. I guess I just process things differently. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being more sad over them. The second one was harder, it's a long story, but personally I believe it was God stopping me from getting Lasik and also allowing me to fully enjoy a trip to Disney with some girlfriends. And I say Noah gets his daredevil spirit from the fact that I rode ALL the rides and had no idea I was pregnant with him.
And I guess there's a part of me that can't imagine life without him, and he wouldn't be here if either of the other two were.
I really had NO idea how common miscarriages were until I became a mom and then other moms feel more comfortable talking about it I guess.
I know my best friend when I was little was an only child and I vaguely remember when I was 5 or 6, her mom cried a LOT. I believe she must have had multiple miscarriage and was never able to have another child.
(I guess I have more thoughts on this than I thought. ;) )
Hugs, Shelly! It is hard to know what to say to someone who is hurting. I remember all your babies though and know you will see them again someday. My best friend has had 4 miscarriages and I do struggle with being supportive but not annoying? Like you said though, just saying anything is a good start!
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