my thoughts

 "He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

 I have a lot of thoughts to think.  My mind is swirling from the moment my eyes pop open in the morning, until I am laying in bed at night, exhausted from my day chasing our three kids & attempting to prepare for our departure.  Most of my thoughts include lists. Lists of things to buy here, things to buy in Anchorage; lists of things I've yet to do, and things I need to journal about; lists of activities for our time in Marshall, and lists of blogs to write & post.

Yesterday I cried a bit. Those are the first tears I've cried in a while. I cried as I left a playdate with my girls Rachel & Jolene.  And I cried as I pulled into lunch at the Heathman.  I cried as I left our playdate because I know how much I am going to miss having the support that my friends offer.  And the lovely way that being with other moms makes what I do easier.  I cried on the way to lunch because it hit me that Vancouver holds all my memories. As I drive down just about any road, I can search my memory and find a snippet stored away.  I remember going to the Heathman restaurant for senior prom with Josh. Where he ordered a salad & I got steak.  And I remember driving there after our wedding, windows rolled down, the hot August air blowing in, and walking in to the hotel in my wedding dress to get our key.

And last night I cried because I am overwhelmed. I don't think all the clothes we have here will fit into the luggage we have, and I don't know what to keep, what to ship. I need to put more stuff into storage. And I am nervous about feeding my family while in Alaska.  Ordering & storing enough groceries, not to mention learning to cook (really cook) and bake.

But in my moments of clarity when the noise in my head quiets for a stretch, I have to say I am excited.  Sure, all the unknowns are a bit scary for me, but the thought of a slower pace excites me. The thought of my three boys with their daddy each night excites me. The thought of being able to focus solely on my immediate family & their needs excites me.  As well as the fifteen pounds Josh swears I will lose from a lack of fried fast food options & the extreme price of soda.  Oh, and setting up house in a brand new place! I can't wait to decorate & put my own touch on everything.

Despite the excitement bubbling inside me, I still get a dropping sensation in the pit of my stomach every time I look at my countdown clicker- 4 days!?!  Only four days until I take my one husband & three kids to ride on four planes over the course of two days to travel over two thousand miles to the new place I am going to call home.