I have had a tough two weeks. Feeling down and just not myself. Hence the absence here on the blog. I've been spending my days getting through, hour by hour, focusing on what I'm doing, not on how I'm feeling.
Last night I got to hear Ariel Tweto (from Flying Wild Alaska) speak about suicide prevention at our school, particularly finding something worth waking up for everyday. She encouraged us to set goals, find hobbies and reach out. It was inspirational, and so wonderful to meet her. It was very timely considering how low I've been feeling.
I am trying to stay busy, but the afternoons, I must admit, drag on forever. I am left with far too much time on my hands, and my mind goes on autopilot, thinking of awful, worrisome things. My hope this week is to pick up some hobbies I've set aside. Scrapbooking, for one, and cross stitching, for another. I also have a knitting kit, which I have yet to use to teach myself. To be honest, it's a bit overwhelming, but I think I am going to dive in regardless. I need the distraction.
Last week I found myself standing over Wyatt as he slept (in the bottom bunk-- he's joined the "big boys" on the bed rotation) and sobbing. Just wanting to know why.
Why did I have to lose the first baby?
Why did I have to lose the second pregnancy?
Why couldn't I have another?
Why didn't it work out?
After my temporary loss of perspective, I remembered what I learned at bible study last week. As she talked about the bad things that happen in our lives, the opportunities missed and the mistakes made, Beth Moore said, "Those things were meant to happen." For whatever reason, we can trust that God knows what he's doing. Even if we don't.
The truth is, Life Ain't Always Beautiful. But it is a beautiful ride.