The last few days I have felt aggravated. On edge. Bitchy. Unkind. Not to anyone in particular, but just inside. I haven't felt like myself. As I reflected on these feelings, I found a few instances where I was feeling frustrated and out of control.
1) Daylight Savings:
-I'm not getting any sleep.
-The kids are up at 5:30am now instead of 6:30am.
-We are all tired & cranky.
-And the kids are emotional. Jack nearly refused his flu shot, which is totally out of character, and Wyatt cried at school drop off for the first time in a month and a half.
2) Feeling nervous about Logan's upcoming EEG:
-It's in another city, two hours from here.
-With no family in town, we have to haul all four kids with us there cause I don't want to drive alone.
-Even if I could leave the kids here with someone, I can't leave Carly that long since she doesn't take a bottle.
-Logan is only allowed four hours of sleep the night before, which means I am only going to get four hours of sleep the night before. And one of us adults has to make sure he stays awake on the long drive to the test.
-I don't want the results unless they are good news, which is ridiculous, but that's how I feel.
3) The election:
-I wasn't fully happy with either candidate.
-It feels scary and beyond my control.
-I wish things were different regarding the electoral college but feel like there's nothing I can do to change that.
4) Wyatt crying at school:
-My heart wants to scoop him up and take him home.
-But my head knows that leaving him there assures him he's safe and that I trust everyone who cares for him there.
-I hate that he started crying again, all because of daylight savings stealing his normal sleep routine.
And from there, we loop back to #1 again.
As I looked at all the issues that were causing me stress and angst, I realized that truly there is not a thing I can do about any of them. I can't change daylight savings unless I want to show up an hour late to everything until spring. I can't take Logan's seizure away, and I can't in good conscience avoid this necessary doctor appointment. I can't change who was chosen as our candidates and I can't change how the votes went down in America last night. And lastly, I can't control Wyatt crying at school. Some days are harder than others, and crying is how he deals with that.
Basically, it's all out of my control and my resistance to accepting that it is what it is, is only making everything harder. Daylight savings exists. Logan had a seizure. Trump is president elect. Wyatt cries at school sometimes. Those are facts. Resisting those facts, wishing things were different than they are, is a waste of energy. I can't control a lot of those outcomes. The future looks daunting because of some of them. But that doesn't mean we've lost all hope. And I certainly don't need to borrow trouble imagining all the what-if's.
Instead I need to remember this perfect, succinct quote from Anne Lamott:
"Whoever is present
are the right people.
Whenever it begins
is the right time.
Whatever happens is the only
thing that could have happened."
My calm acceptance and the choice to respond in the best way I know how is the only way to get through these rough times. I can't take away the fact that Logan needs an EEG and is going to be sleep deprived and maybe scared, but I can make sure he has his bubba and the comfort of a parent who loves him. I can't change that Trump is going to be president, but I can pray for him and hope that he has exciting plans for America that may surprise me. I can't change daylight savings (unless it shows up on my ballot! in which case I am voting to throw it out!) but I can make sure those kids are in bed on time and encourage them to sleep a little longer each morning so they can adjust their internal clocks and stop waking me up! I can also choose to take it one step further by noticing the good things in the same way I am noticing the annoying/concerning things.
- Wyatt reading his first full book (hooray for BOB books!)
- Ramona curling up in my lap (I love a purring kitty!)
- Carly clapping with her brothers (she seriously lights up!)
- Morning snuggles with Wyatt (he couldn't be sweeter!)
- Reading My Side of the Mountain with the twins at night (this book is right up their alley!)
Here's to having faith & accepting that it is what it is.