Around Here: Week 35 2020

{August 23-29th}

Proud... of the twins who are working for my bestie Shana, being the "muscle" as she sorts through her house and garage.  I am so glad they can be helpful to her, and they are so glad to be earning some cash money!! I hope this instills in them a good work ethic and a desire to work hard.  Seeing what it can get you is very inspiring!

Enduring... game after game of "Floor is Lava".  Carly will often call out, "Three... two... one... FLOOR IS LAVA!" and then fling herself up onto the couch or a chair.  I am also constantly finding my couch pillows on the floor (as seen above) used as "stepping stones" to survive the lava floor that is constantly erupting randomly. #momlife

Buying... When Calls the Heart season 7 on accident after hearing from my brother's girlfriend how good it was and then deciding if I have season 7, I need season 6, too.  (Seasons 1-5 are on Netflix!) I plan on re-watching all of them once the boys start school, one episode or two each day during our lunch break, as something to look forward to. I love how wholesome the show is, and often the kids end up watching it with me. 

Experiencing... anxiety when Josh went back to work.  Just knowing that after six months of him home I was going to be on my own with the kids, I was quite overwhelmed.  I know that eventually we will get in a good routine and the anxiety will quell, but for the time being, it sucks. 

Blogging... our weekly Around Here posts to get caught up and feeling good that I'm not too far behind.

Reading... Mindset, The Power of Vulnerability and Men, Women and Worthiness, all on audio this week.  Mindset had an interesting basis, but the book was a bit repetitive. (Basic idea- have a flexible, not fixed, mindset.) The Power of Vulnerability was mind blowing. I think every human on earth should have to listen to it. And Men, Women, and Worthiness was an interesting listen, but not as amazing as The Power of Vulnerability. It's great, cause it's only like two hours, too. 

Catching... up on projects before school starts in two weeks.  It should start September 14th.  The numbers in our area are near 500 per 100,000 and it's recommended they be at 75 per 100,000 in order for schools to open. So I am quite curious how long they will be able to meet in person.  I also wonder if I'll choose to send my kids in person at all this year. (We have a chance to reassess after Christmas break if we'd like to do the hybrid model or send them full time instead of full time distance learning.)

Cleaning... the house and organizing, too, in an effort to get life together and feel like I'm controlling something.  We are deep cleaning and sorting and getting things together to drop at Goodwill.  It feels good to be crossing things off the list, and to have the boys helping while they are still on vacation. 

Having... hard conversations with Josh about work, school and parenting.  We have both been reading Brene Brown audio books and she is impacting us in the best ways.  She calls these conversations "rumbling", and it's quite accurate. You gotta really get to the meat of it, but after you do, it's so, so good. 

Adding... "thankful" to our "best and worst" conversations at the dinner table.  We really want to incorporate gratitude in our daily lives and make sure our kids are as well, so this is our solution to that. Every night we each share the best and worst of our day, and now we are also sharing the thing we were most grateful for.  It's been really sweet to hear what each person is grateful for, and how no one wants to be left out of the conversation or have their turn skipped over. 

Facetiming.... with Wyatt's friend which made him so happy.  They spent nearly the whole time showing each other Matchbox cars, and it certainly wasn't the same as actually playing, but it was something.

Wanting... to share Carly's mama cat and kittens with you.  I ordered this for her maybe a month ago? And I just love it so much.  She loves everything tiny, so I was searching for tiny cats and found it.  The kittens magnetize to the mama's nipples so they look like they're really nursing, and they are all so soft and sweet.  Carly adores them and loves to play with their little magnetic noses. 

Inviting... Alvin to come swim with us one sunny afternoon.  I love how Carly loves him and the boys rough house with him.  It makes me smile.

Mastering... front flips in the pool.  (Well, the kids, not me! Hah! I used to be able to do flips underwater, but now my brain feels too fuzzy afterward.)  And they are working on hand stands and back flips as well.  I love watching them try it. They're so persistent. 

Loving... when I came downstairs and found Logan brushing Carly's hair after a swim.  It was the sweetest.  He was amazed at how tough she is and how many tangles her hair had. #bestbrother

Sending... the kids to Grandma Carol's for the last time this summer and feeling so grateful we had that respite each week.  What a blessing.

Purchasing... bowls from Walmart that bring me ridiculous joy.  They are Pioneer Woman stoneware bowls and were on sale (in store only) for $1.55! They match my colorful Fiestaware plates & bowls and are so convenient for snacks for the kids. 

Thinking... thoughts about my body after listening to half of Jen Hatmaker's book Fierce, Free and Full of Fire.  These quotes really stood out to me:

"I do not apply the impossible rules to anyone but myself."

"You have your body to thank for every little thing that you have experienced."

I so identified with her when she said that the impossible rules she took from society (for example: be thin, but curvy) she applied only to herself. I am exactly the same way. I have so much grace for my friends.  When they screw up parenting or relationships, I am right there to lift them back up, saying, "Everyone makes mistakes. It's okay. Try again." But when I screw up parenting, or say the wrong thing to someone, I am most certainly not giving myself a pass. It's for sure something I need to work on. 

A little self compassion would go a long way.

Also, I loved her quote about having your body to thank for EVERYTHING you have experienced. I think I am going to put that one up on the mirror in my bathroom to remind me to be kind to her when I see her and want to point out all her flaws. 

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And lastly,

a closing thought that I found very comforting 

as I prepare for a school year of unknowns:

"It's dark because you are trying too hard.

Lightly, child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.

Yes, feel lightly, even though you're feeling deeply.

Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them."

-Aldous Huxley

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Around Here: Week 34 2020

{August 16-22}

 

Growing... our little kitty right up. She is getting so big, so orange, and somehow less fluffy.  Her tail is at least 3x as long as it used to be, and while that is still fluffy, the rest of her hair is much shorter than it used to be.  When we got her she was more of a "peaches and cream" color, but as she has gotten older, she just keeps getting darker.  Some of her stripes are super dark orange and so gorgeous.  She is getting really tall, too, and can even get herself up on the boys' bunk beds, which delights them!
She likes to nurse on our sherpa blanket when we hold her and it's my favorite. 

Reading... The Two Lives of Lydia Bird; The Power of Vulnerability; Men, Women and Worthiness; Fierce, Free and Full of Fire; and The Princess Bride.  Whew! Big reading week!! 
The two by Brene Brown (Vulnerability & Worthiness) were so incredible and eye opening. The Power of Vulnerability covered a lot on shame, and talked about how we live in a culture of scarcity.  We wake up in the morning saying, "I didn't get enough sleep" and go bed saying, "I didn't get enough done." That really resonated with me and I am determined to change that mindset within myself. No wonder I constantly feel like a failure if that is how I am waking up and going to sleep.

Meeting... with my book club girls on Zoom and discussing The Giver of Stars.  I gave the book three stars, and I liked it okay, but it was a slow book, and I felt that The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek (which was also about the PackHorse Library) was so much better.

Feeling... shame about my weight that is not helping me with my emotional eating. When I took that face mask selfie in the bathroom mirror (see above) I couldn't believe how large I was. sigh.
I am going to be working on some self love mantras so I can appreciate this body for all she does for me and work on loving her, not loathing her.

Suffering... terrible anxiety.  Fear, terror, shaking, heart pounding, crying.  It has been miserable.  Josh heading back to work might have something to do with it, but I think mostly it is from not having control of anything lately, namely the boys' school experiences. I mean, yes, I could choose to send them back to school full time, but I don't feel like that's a good option for us, so it really isn't something I feel is a real choice.
I used to feel like I could do anything, but lately I don't have that "Wonder Woman" attitude.  I need a cape!!

Sharing... my struggle with anxiety on Facebook and Instagram and getting so much love. I am so grateful for my social media village who cheer me on from the sidelines when life gets hard.  And in my real life, I am grateful for my sister who came to visit and brought me a (decaf) caramel frappacino, and my sister-in-law who dropped a bag of humongous chocolate chip M&M cookies at my door one morning. She said hilariously, "I can't help you feel better, but I can help you eat those feelings." Haha! She gets me. I love her.

Remembering... to #seethegood (my goal for 2020) and trying to just enjoy small moments.  Bedtime with Carly is probably the easiest time for me to do this.  We read books together, sing songs and snuggle.  But I am also trying to enjoy little moments of peace throughout the day- watching a praying mantis in the yard with the kids, swimming in the pool with them, eating our dinner out front, etc. Staying in those moments and cherishing them helps keep the anxiety at bay.

Trying... to turn my anxiety and fear into gratitude as Brene Brown suggests.  When I get that tremor of terror as a thought of fear enters my mind, I instead use that moment to list all the things I am grateful for.  Example: I am checking Carly before I go to bed, making sure she's under the covers, all cozy and I suddenly think, "What if I lost her?!?" 
Instead of "going there", I think, "I am just so grateful she is here. I love when she hugs me with her arms tight around my neck and kisses me over and over and over.  I love how she says, "Mama love" when we're snuggling. I am so grateful I didn't give up hope after my miscarriages."
I try to replace the fear with gratitude.
I am retraining my brain. 

Aiming... to read 11 books in August.  I have only four more to go.  I have that as my goal because then I will be at 76 books so far in 2020, leaving me with 24 to read in four months, which averages out to six books per month, which feels doable with doing the whole distance learning/homeschooling four kids thing. Wish me luck. I really, really, really want to hit my 100 books in 2020 goal. 

Surviving... lots of migraines this week.  Thank God for my medicine.  For reals.

Grateful... for Tuesday & Wednesday when half the kids (alternating) went to Grandma's house.  Those days are so calm here (with only two kids) and we all enjoy a very chill day.  I usually blog or watch Grey's Anatomy. 

Sending... the twins off to work for my friend Shana, helping her organize her garage.  They were so excited for their first job making money, and I was so proud of them. And I'll be honest, it was great for me because I had the entire house to myself for a few hours.  The peace and calm I felt in those hours were unmatched.  I took a nap and it was the best sleep I've gotten in months. (Thanks Carol! Thanks Shana!)

Happy... that Carly is wearing her pink glasses again. They are so cute I can't stand it.

Enjoying... a break from the boys on Saturday while Josh took them to the land.  When he told me he was going to take them, though, my first thought was, "I don't deserve him.  Why is he so good to me?" Luckily I knew those weren't accurate thoughts, so I pushed them away and enjoyed the day with my girl.  We painted our nails and snuggled on the couch.  We read books and had lunch together.  It was the best day, and a much needed day off from full-on parenting where I could reset my spirit.

Asking... Carly who she loves the most in the whole world and melting into a puddle when she answered me before I had even finished asking the question: "Uncle Samuel. Because he holds me and reads to me and hugs me and loves me." Gah. To be loved by that girl is to experience the world at its best.

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