Around Here: Week 34 2020

{August 16-22}

 

Growing... our little kitty right up. She is getting so big, so orange, and somehow less fluffy.  Her tail is at least 3x as long as it used to be, and while that is still fluffy, the rest of her hair is much shorter than it used to be.  When we got her she was more of a "peaches and cream" color, but as she has gotten older, she just keeps getting darker.  Some of her stripes are super dark orange and so gorgeous.  She is getting really tall, too, and can even get herself up on the boys' bunk beds, which delights them!
She likes to nurse on our sherpa blanket when we hold her and it's my favorite. 

Reading... The Two Lives of Lydia Bird; The Power of Vulnerability; Men, Women and Worthiness; Fierce, Free and Full of Fire; and The Princess Bride.  Whew! Big reading week!! 
The two by Brene Brown (Vulnerability & Worthiness) were so incredible and eye opening. The Power of Vulnerability covered a lot on shame, and talked about how we live in a culture of scarcity.  We wake up in the morning saying, "I didn't get enough sleep" and go bed saying, "I didn't get enough done." That really resonated with me and I am determined to change that mindset within myself. No wonder I constantly feel like a failure if that is how I am waking up and going to sleep.

Meeting... with my book club girls on Zoom and discussing The Giver of Stars.  I gave the book three stars, and I liked it okay, but it was a slow book, and I felt that The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek (which was also about the PackHorse Library) was so much better.

Feeling... shame about my weight that is not helping me with my emotional eating. When I took that face mask selfie in the bathroom mirror (see above) I couldn't believe how large I was. sigh.
I am going to be working on some self love mantras so I can appreciate this body for all she does for me and work on loving her, not loathing her.

Suffering... terrible anxiety.  Fear, terror, shaking, heart pounding, crying.  It has been miserable.  Josh heading back to work might have something to do with it, but I think mostly it is from not having control of anything lately, namely the boys' school experiences. I mean, yes, I could choose to send them back to school full time, but I don't feel like that's a good option for us, so it really isn't something I feel is a real choice.
I used to feel like I could do anything, but lately I don't have that "Wonder Woman" attitude.  I need a cape!!

Sharing... my struggle with anxiety on Facebook and Instagram and getting so much love. I am so grateful for my social media village who cheer me on from the sidelines when life gets hard.  And in my real life, I am grateful for my sister who came to visit and brought me a (decaf) caramel frappacino, and my sister-in-law who dropped a bag of humongous chocolate chip M&M cookies at my door one morning. She said hilariously, "I can't help you feel better, but I can help you eat those feelings." Haha! She gets me. I love her.

Remembering... to #seethegood (my goal for 2020) and trying to just enjoy small moments.  Bedtime with Carly is probably the easiest time for me to do this.  We read books together, sing songs and snuggle.  But I am also trying to enjoy little moments of peace throughout the day- watching a praying mantis in the yard with the kids, swimming in the pool with them, eating our dinner out front, etc. Staying in those moments and cherishing them helps keep the anxiety at bay.

Trying... to turn my anxiety and fear into gratitude as Brene Brown suggests.  When I get that tremor of terror as a thought of fear enters my mind, I instead use that moment to list all the things I am grateful for.  Example: I am checking Carly before I go to bed, making sure she's under the covers, all cozy and I suddenly think, "What if I lost her?!?" 
Instead of "going there", I think, "I am just so grateful she is here. I love when she hugs me with her arms tight around my neck and kisses me over and over and over.  I love how she says, "Mama love" when we're snuggling. I am so grateful I didn't give up hope after my miscarriages."
I try to replace the fear with gratitude.
I am retraining my brain. 

Aiming... to read 11 books in August.  I have only four more to go.  I have that as my goal because then I will be at 76 books so far in 2020, leaving me with 24 to read in four months, which averages out to six books per month, which feels doable with doing the whole distance learning/homeschooling four kids thing. Wish me luck. I really, really, really want to hit my 100 books in 2020 goal. 

Surviving... lots of migraines this week.  Thank God for my medicine.  For reals.

Grateful... for Tuesday & Wednesday when half the kids (alternating) went to Grandma's house.  Those days are so calm here (with only two kids) and we all enjoy a very chill day.  I usually blog or watch Grey's Anatomy. 

Sending... the twins off to work for my friend Shana, helping her organize her garage.  They were so excited for their first job making money, and I was so proud of them. And I'll be honest, it was great for me because I had the entire house to myself for a few hours.  The peace and calm I felt in those hours were unmatched.  I took a nap and it was the best sleep I've gotten in months. (Thanks Carol! Thanks Shana!)

Happy... that Carly is wearing her pink glasses again. They are so cute I can't stand it.

Enjoying... a break from the boys on Saturday while Josh took them to the land.  When he told me he was going to take them, though, my first thought was, "I don't deserve him.  Why is he so good to me?" Luckily I knew those weren't accurate thoughts, so I pushed them away and enjoyed the day with my girl.  We painted our nails and snuggled on the couch.  We read books and had lunch together.  It was the best day, and a much needed day off from full-on parenting where I could reset my spirit.

Asking... Carly who she loves the most in the whole world and melting into a puddle when she answered me before I had even finished asking the question: "Uncle Samuel. Because he holds me and reads to me and hugs me and loves me." Gah. To be loved by that girl is to experience the world at its best.

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