around here: week 22 2020

[Wyatt & Carly checking out the garden}

{first glimpse of our baby girl}

{see Grady behind her?}

{Can you find Molly?}

Feeling... inspired by this Hugh Laurie quote to stop eating my feelings (I hate you Coronavirus) and take control of my body again.  I am at my highest weight. 210 pounds which is hard to even type.  But I am done gaining weight. I am going to drink water and sleep more, cut out soda & caffeine, walk daily and wear my fitbit, and hopefully I will start to resemble a human more than a beach ball. Hah.

Learning... my uncle also has COVID-19 (this in addition to my aunt who caught it at work) and isn't doing well.  It's super scary and makes all of this feel so real, just after it was all starting to feel kind of far away and fading. Masks and hand washing and praying, oh my.

Spending... time here blogging & playing Jenga with the kids while Josh had the twins at the land Sunday.  It was a nice, calm day.

Watching... Carly host a tea party one morning with her favorite bubbas (what she calls stuffed animals) and Jack.  It was the cutest thing I have ever seen.  What a dream come true. 
My favorite part was when she told Jack the room needed to be more dazzling. I just can't even.

Enjoying... the progress that George & Grady are making in getting along.  George still growls and Grady occasionally barks... but I can see a marked improvement in their friendship. I'm taking it as a good sign.

Loving... my little mini-me who wants to dress like me, wear make up like me and jewelry like me.  Having a daughter just never gets old. Highly recommend.

Doing... much better emotionally now that I am on 40mg of Prozac daily.  It's crazy how much of a difference I can feel in my internal chatter (less) and happiness (more).  I'm so glad that I asked the doctor about increasing and that I tried the Buspar.  The Buspar was the not the answer (it made me crazy dizzy), but so far the extra 10mg of Prozac has been perfect. 
The medication along with more sleep and walking with Josh has helped a ton. 

Grateful... for friends checking on me while I was feeling down.  Shana, Brittany, Susan and Theresa: thank you.  They called, sent love, notes, quotes and Susan even sent me some oils to try.  My village is so, so good to me.

Playing... Pie Face with the kids on Memorial Day when we had Josh's parents over for a small BBQ & firepit time.  It was fun to make smores with the kids and visit with Carol & Carl.  And the kids loved Pie Face, although I think they would love eating whip cream even if it hadn't been smacked into their faces first. Hah!

Closing... up Josh's classroom for the year and having some feels about it.  It was a strange year for all of us- him as a teacher, our kids as students and me as a wife & mom.  It was sad to see the pictures of his classroom all ready for summer knowing he didn't get the closure he normally does at the end of the year.  It was weird to know that my kids will move on to seventh and fourth grade without having the feeling that they really completed sixth and third grades... What a strange year this has been indeed. (Not to mention I am SO curious what next year will hold...)

Attending... book club for The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek this month and loving the girls & the book.  I am so grateful for those ladies, now more than ever, because we really are in this together.  We all have bunches of kids that we are suddenly home with 24/7 and teaching digitally via "distance learning" and let me tell you, it has been a wild ride.  To have them to confide in and laugh with has made all the difference.  Gosh, I love you, ladies!!!

Testing... Carly with the recent "treat test" going around where you leave your kid with a treat in the room for a few minutes while you go out and see if they will wait until you come back to eat them.  I was surprised that Carly actually waited. And then she even offered to share her chocolate chips with me! What a good girl!! (You can see the video on my Instagram.)

Getting... a new kitten!!!  It was like serendipity the way this little one fell into our laps.  Josh's brother's girlfriend happened to have one kitten left from her litter (that I didn't even know she had!) that was ready to go home, and when Josh mentioned to Samuel that I might be wanting a kitten he mentioned the one Makayla had and the rest is history!
We got a picture of the little sweetheart that night, I said yes, and we picked her up a few days later. The kids had no idea that was what we were doing and were overjoyed that the little pumpkin was ours to keep.

Falling... head over heels in love with Molly, which is what we named our new kitten.  It's a name that was on Carly's "possible names" list when I was pregnant, and one that my sister-in-law loved for a daughter for herself (but she only had sons) so it is special to me. 
Molly is just the sweetest little baby you ever did meet, and we are all in love with her.  Grady was super sweet when he met her, and they play with each other everyday.  We have to watch Grady because he is a little big... but I think they are going to grow up to be best buddies.
George, our other cat, is not sure what to think of Molly.  Her kitten energy scares him and he's a little confused by her, but I think he will come around.
The kids and I fight over who gets to hold Molly when she's sleeping and when she's playful we all love to laugh at her antics.  She may be the most beloved kitten that ever was.

Reading... The House on the Cerulean Sea and The Call of the Wild.  The Call of the Wild has the boys interest for sure, and we can't wait to watch the movie for movie night.  The House on the Cerulean Sea is so good, I know I'll be sad when it ends.  I'm not normally one for fantasy reads, but this one is really well written and I am super invested in the characters.  It reminds me a little of Sweep by Jonathan Auxier, and also of Harry's Trees.  Just a really good story line, plus a little magic.

Talking... Wyatt through his emotions about Ramona dying.  He has had two dreams now where Ramona is alive and then he wakes up and realizes it was just a dream and he is crushed.  His poor little heart can hardly take it.  He is very worried about how George is coping and where George thinks his sister went.  I assure him that he knew his sister was suffering and that George knows she is gone and no longer in pain, but I'm not sure he believes me. 
Then one night (before we got Molly) he wrote this every complicated emotional pet graph on Carly's white board.  (You can see it above) He said Ramona is dead and that makes him and George both sad, but George and Grady are alive and that makes him happy.  I am really glad he is processing Ramona's death, but to be honest, I had no idea it would hit him this hard.
We did read a book I had been saving for a death experience called When Dinosaurs Die and it was really helpful for conversations and questions he had. It's kid friendly, but also matter of fact, which I like, but might not be for everyone. 

Collecting... heart shaped rocks (or really noticing heart shaped anything) and feeling my heart swell when my grandma told me my grandpa has started looking for heart shaped rocks as well.  Gosh I love him so much it hurts sometimes.

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 This:

Thoughts on Motherhood

My Mother's Day gift was a break from mothering.
Well, mostly. ;)

Josh took the three boys to Vancouver to see his mom over the weekend, which left me with only Carly for three glorious days.  At first we weren't sure Wyatt was going to be able to join him, but after his appointment Friday morning confirmed that his lungs were clear and his oxygen levels were good, we both felt comfortable with him going.  (Plus, Josh's truck has a plug in, so Wyatt could nebulize on the go if need be.)
And let's be honest, I needed the break. Desperately.

Friday afternoon I gathered up the kids, met Josh at work, and sent them off on a road trip to Grandma's.  Then the fun began for Carly and I.  I rented a movie from Redbox, made myself some egg rolls, put pajamas on before 7 and was in bed by 8:30pm. 
Sleep was the priority this weekend, followed closely by having fun and cleaning house.  Both nights I went to bed early, slept as much as possible, more than eight hours both nights, and felt great because of it.  Saturday was my day for fun.  I woke up and worked out, then watched another movie, blogged, gave Carly a bath and told her I wanted to paint her toenails. She was so excited, it was adorable. I told her she could choose a color and she immediately said pink.  When she was out of the tub, true to her word, she chose the pinkest pink I have, and I painted it on her toes.  All day when she would notice the, she would tell me how cute they are.
While I was painting her toes, I thought to myself, "This is my Mother's Day gift. Her. Being with her. Being her mother. She is my gift."  I am so grateful God knew to save her for last.  I know I wouldn't cherish her the way I do if I hadn't had three boys first. But since I did, I do. And I know what a gift she is.
Saturday night I made us pizza and after Carly went to bed I took a bath and did a face mask.  Then I meditated and went to bed.
I woke up today, on Mother's Day, rejuvenated and ready to give back to my family.  I woke up naturally at 6:00am, so I got right to work organizing and cleaning our house that has been sorely neglected since Wyatt first got sick over a month ago.  It felt so good to be back in my element, taking care of our home. 
Carly slept until 8:00am, so I got a lot done. It was awesome.  Once she was up, she played and I just kept on working. I vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned, organized and did laundry.  I changed sheets, put in new smell goods, bleached around the toilets, clorox wiped the light switches and dusted every surface in the house. The house looks great and I feel amazing.

I feel blessed to be (finally) feeling better both physically (the cold I had the last two weeks is finally gone!) and emotionally (my anxiety seems to have lessened), and I really had some time over the last three days, especially because it's Mother's Day weekend, to consider how motherhood is my calling.  While it is exhausting taking care of Wyatt and Logan with their medical issues, there is literally nowhere else I would rather be.  Having that thought this weekend changed my mental attitude about it. I know this is where God wants me.  He gave me these children because he trusts me to care for them.  I was made to be these four children's mother.  And He will continue to see me through the hard days. 

Another thought I had this weekend that made me really excited was about the two babies I lost.  Someday I am going to get to meet them. Two more children that I haven't met yet. A little boy or girl, like Logan or Carly, or Jack or Wyatt, that was made of love, exists in heaven, just waiting for me to meet them.  And that's a pretty sweet thought on this Mother's Day. 

What I love the most about this weekend is that all my friends who heard about my weekend off gave me no shame.  They were all so happy for me, proud of me for taking time off, for asking for what I needed, for taking a break before I reached the end of my rope.  They recognized that I was struggling, drowning, and applauded me for my self care.  They didn't make me feel like a bad mom for having needs.  They assured me I was normal, and that my husband was capable.  My sister texted me that she'd trust my husband with every single one of her kids. Another girlfriend said she'd love a weekend off and that I was smart to take this time to regroup after all we've been through the last two months.  What a blessing to have those kind of friends around me.

As I close out this last day of just me & Carly, I feel so blessed to have a husband who supports me, who is capable of caring for our children just as well as I can; to have four beautiful children who call me mom; to have twin sons, a single son, and a beautiful daughter to call my own; and for the village that surrounds us and makes this parenting journey easier when the road gets rough.

Happy Mother's Day

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