Well, mostly. ;)
Josh took the three boys to Vancouver to see his mom over the weekend, which left me with only Carly for three glorious days. At first we weren't sure Wyatt was going to be able to join him, but after his appointment Friday morning confirmed that his lungs were clear and his oxygen levels were good, we both felt comfortable with him going. (Plus, Josh's truck has a plug in, so Wyatt could nebulize on the go if need be.)
And let's be honest, I needed the break. Desperately.
Friday afternoon I gathered up the kids, met Josh at work, and sent them off on a road trip to Grandma's. Then the fun began for Carly and I. I rented a movie from Redbox, made myself some egg rolls, put pajamas on before 7 and was in bed by 8:30pm.
Sleep was the priority this weekend, followed closely by having fun and cleaning house. Both nights I went to bed early, slept as much as possible, more than eight hours both nights, and felt great because of it. Saturday was my day for fun. I woke up and worked out, then watched another movie, blogged, gave Carly a bath and told her I wanted to paint her toenails. She was so excited, it was adorable. I told her she could choose a color and she immediately said pink. When she was out of the tub, true to her word, she chose the pinkest pink I have, and I painted it on her toes. All day when she would notice the, she would tell me how cute they are.
While I was painting her toes, I thought to myself, "This is my Mother's Day gift. Her. Being with her. Being her mother. She is my gift." I am so grateful God knew to save her for last. I know I wouldn't cherish her the way I do if I hadn't had three boys first. But since I did, I do. And I know what a gift she is.
Saturday night I made us pizza and after Carly went to bed I took a bath and did a face mask. Then I meditated and went to bed.
I woke up today, on Mother's Day, rejuvenated and ready to give back to my family. I woke up naturally at 6:00am, so I got right to work organizing and cleaning our house that has been sorely neglected since Wyatt first got sick over a month ago. It felt so good to be back in my element, taking care of our home.
Carly slept until 8:00am, so I got a lot done. It was awesome. Once she was up, she played and I just kept on working. I vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned, organized and did laundry. I changed sheets, put in new smell goods, bleached around the toilets, clorox wiped the light switches and dusted every surface in the house. The house looks great and I feel amazing.
I feel blessed to be (finally) feeling better both physically (the cold I had the last two weeks is finally gone!) and emotionally (my anxiety seems to have lessened), and I really had some time over the last three days, especially because it's Mother's Day weekend, to consider how motherhood is my calling. While it is exhausting taking care of Wyatt and Logan with their medical issues, there is literally nowhere else I would rather be. Having that thought this weekend changed my mental attitude about it. I know this is where God wants me. He gave me these children because he trusts me to care for them. I was made to be these four children's mother. And He will continue to see me through the hard days.
Another thought I had this weekend that made me really excited was about the two babies I lost. Someday I am going to get to meet them. Two more children that I haven't met yet. A little boy or girl, like Logan or Carly, or Jack or Wyatt, that was made of love, exists in heaven, just waiting for me to meet them. And that's a pretty sweet thought on this Mother's Day.
What I love the most about this weekend is that all my friends who heard about my weekend off gave me no shame. They were all so happy for me, proud of me for taking time off, for asking for what I needed, for taking a break before I reached the end of my rope. They recognized that I was struggling, drowning, and applauded me for my self care. They didn't make me feel like a bad mom for having needs. They assured me I was normal, and that my husband was capable. My sister texted me that she'd trust my husband with every single one of her kids. Another girlfriend said she'd love a weekend off and that I was smart to take this time to regroup after all we've been through the last two months. What a blessing to have those kind of friends around me.
As I close out this last day of just me & Carly, I feel so blessed to have a husband who supports me, who is capable of caring for our children just as well as I can; to have four beautiful children who call me mom; to have twin sons, a single son, and a beautiful daughter to call my own; and for the village that surrounds us and makes this parenting journey easier when the road gets rough.
Happy Mother's Day