Around Here: Week Six {2018}

Xtra Math time!

Leading... the first week of Happier at Home with The Inspired Readers book club.  It's got me thinking more about my possessions and the role they play in my happiness, as well as how I can better organize them.

Reading... Purple Hibiscus currently.  This week I finished Turtles All The Way Down and Grief Cottage, both of which I enjoyed.  (They both had endings that tied up nicely, which I love!)  I would say I loved Turtles All The Way Down, and enjoyed Grief Cottage.  Up next is The Five Love Languages for my local Book Club. I have heard so much about it, I'm pretty excited to read it.

Celebrating... movie night with my sister & her three kids for a fun change up this weekend.  The boys played outside alllll day Saturday and we got to visit while working through a huge project.  I loved seeing the twins love on Roxanne's baby girl.  When she was fussing while Roxanne was eating, Jack just scooped her up, like an old pro, hushing her and making her happy.  It was such a proud mommy moment.

Organizing... all the hand-me-down clothes I had for Carly! I was so grateful to have my sister's help!  After two years of a terrible system of bins and totes in the shed in the backyard, the sorting got out of control.  Something had to give.  So I perused the organization aisles at Walmart earlier this week and found these see-through bins that look like drawers that zip shut and slide under a bed to use under the twin bed Carly's room so I will no longer have to go to the shed to sort clothes for her.  It's a game changer.  My sister helped me sort through not only the clothes that Carly will grow into, but also what I am saving for her and the boys from their babyhood.  I feel amazing!!!

Cherishing... Wyatt's big heart.  He had himself in tears on Saturday trying to decide between helping me with rolling out tortillas (which I had asked him to do) and going to run errands with Josh (which is what he wanted to do).  I told him to go with his dad, that I'd save him some tortillas to roll.  I know he doesn't get to spend as much time with Josh as he does with me, so I always encourage him to go with Josh on little errands here and there when he can.  He's such a tender little heart, though, that he didn't want to let me down. I just love that sweetheart. Luckily, in the end, he was able to do both.
I am also cherishing Carly's little cherub voice playing all over the house, with all sorts of toys.  She plays Legos, Paw Patrol, guys, or cars, making them talk to each other, expressing sadness, excitement, happiness and hurt.  It's adorable.

Loving... a weekend at home after three weekends of Josh and I either being apart or traveling out of town together. It was nice to just be at home together, with our kids. We grocery shopped, had movie night, enjoyed some down time, and got some stuff on our to-do lists tackled. It was great. 

Increasing... Logan's meds after he had an absent seizure on the trampoline Sunday morning.  He had been jumping on the trampoline with his brothers when they crashed each other (Wyatt & Jack), so they were all sitting, taking a break.  I was outside, too, playing with Carly.  I looked up as Logan was climbing off the trampoline. He was pale and his eyes didn't look right.  He said he'd had one of his headaches.  Then Wyatt & Jack said that Logan had told them, "I'm going to go see my mommy" which isn't how Logan normally talks.  Afterwards, he got really sleepy and laid on the couch, and that night he slept 13 hours.  After a call to the neurologist, we were instructed to increase his dose again, for the second time since October.  Logan took the news really well.  I did not. I am scared that his seizures are changing, and I am scared that we keep having to change his dose.  It's just really overwhelming.  Prayers are welcome that this adjustment to his increase goes as well as the last time.

Having... healthy kids (no more colds or staying home from school) and a sick mama mid-week.  My migraines are finally gone (I have now gone eight days without one.  Hallelujah!), but I injured my stomach (I think pushing Carly in the stroller one handed) which lead me down a rabbit hole of medical googling, which given my hypochondria, was a very, very bad idea and now I am digging my way out of a very serious bout of anxiety, where I wake up with a horrific feeling of dread, paying too much attention to every bodily sensation and hating being alone.  I can't trust my own instincts and don't know what's real and what's not.  I have started reading Phantom Illness, a book about recognizing, understanding and overcoming hypochondria, which I have (honestly) placed all my hope in, but I am still in a very vulnerable, scared place right now and I hate it.  Losing our secondary insurance a week ago didn't help, knowing that any medical care I do require could set us back thousands of dollars (that we don't have) is very real and very scary and I am feeling utterly terrified about all of it.
I also just wish I could talk more openly about my hypochondria without sounding like I am a) crazy or b) exaggerating.  Even though the logical part of my brain knows that my pain is most likely muscular, the hypochondriac part of my brain says, "Yes, but it could be liver failure, therefore, we must research all the symptoms of liver failure and watch for them vigilantly." It's hard to explain.  It's like I know better, but I can't do better.

Enjoying... MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) a local group of moms that gets together here in town twice a month.  I love those ladies so much.  They buoy me up so much in times of trials.  I was so happy to show up there Thursday after spending Tuesday & Wednesday dealing with an injured stomach and sick mind.

Sending... the kids to play outside a TON this week as we have had unseasonably warm weather that we are all loving!  Lots of riding to school, trampoline jumping and bike riding!  Even Carly, who is loving her new pink trike from Nanny & Papa.

Carrying... on with Xtra Math for all three of our boys and loving how it has improved their math skills across the board. Every morning they take turns going into Carly's room (for quiet) and sitting in her rocking chair to work on their math skills on the tablet for ten minutes.

Surprising... Wyatt at school for lunch so Carly could eat with him.  They were so cute together, those two.  We also stayed to play at recess with him, and they had so much fun together.  This is the stuff I always dreamed of when I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.

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Health Anxiety (Hypochondria)

So, I feel like I try really hard to be honest with you guys. (I mean, I told you when I was swearing and screaming at my children, and that's pretty real, right?) But I don't feel like I've been 100% honest about my anxiety.  I will mention it here & there, and I feel like you know I am a worrier, but the truth is that I have severe health anxiety.  I am constantly monitoring my body for symptoms and self diagnosing life threatening diseases.

I don't flippantly think I have cancer, I convince myself that the chills and exhaustion I'm feeling, coupled with my itchiness are from non-hodgkins lymphoma, which I discovered via medical googling.  Most of the time, I am strong enough to combat the desire to medical google.  When I feel like medical googling, I will call my mom instead.  But other times (like last weekend) I medical google until I am lost in cancer forums, convincing myself that my shortness of breath (a sure sign of a panic attack) is from the swollen lymph nodes in my chest, thanks to the rapidly expanding cancer cells that are overtaking my body.

There will be periods of time where I live normally, dismissing everyday aches and pains, and those times are pure bliss.  I find the absence of panic to be so very soothing.  Especially after a bad episode.  But it's always lurking under the surface. 

After dealing with hypochondria (defined as "abnormal anxiety about one's health, especially with an unwarranted fear that one has a serious disease") for the last four years, I have learned a lot about the disorder. For me, a bad health anxiety episode usually follows a traumatic or stressful event.  After moving back to Alaska one summer post-wisdom-tooth-removal, I convinced myself I had C.diff (don't medical google it, just know it's awful); following our move to central Washington last year & the purchasing of our first home, I convinced myself I had breast cancer; and this last bout was preceded by Logan's most recent seizure.  Basically when life gets out of control, my body responds by super-focusing on physical symptoms, which leads to medical googling, self diagnosing and a belief in my imminent demise.

Knowing these are the steps allows me to shorten the length of time a usual episode lasts, which is a huge relief, but I would like to avoid an episode altogether. 

So today I ordered two books that I found on Amazon during a "hypochondria treatment" search.  The first is called Phantom Illness by Carla Cantor, and the second is called Stop Worrying About Your Health by James Umber.  In the past, books have helped me come to better understand depression, panic and OCD. (*afilliate links) So I am hopeful that these new books will help me better understand my issues and will enable me to fight them more successfully.

I don't know if this is true, but I feel like my health anxiety is also related to a sense of guilt I have for being healthy.  I know that so many moms die and leave their children, and between my utter fear of it happening to me, and my overwhelming guilt that it hasn't happened to me, I end up thinking I am going to die after all.

A new connection I learned from this last episode thinking I have lymphoma is that I can't help that other people have bad circumstances, but I can be grateful for my truly good and blessed circumstances.  Gratitude is the difference between living a full life, and living a fearful life. 

This quote from One Thousand Gifts sums up my thoughts perfectly:

"The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest light to all the world." 

-Ann Voskamp

***

And then today I happened upon Oprah's Super Soul Conversations on my Apple Podcasts app, and I listened to the one she had with Nate Berkus, who lost his partner in the tsunami in 2004.  The entire discussion (which is only 30 minutes) is full of aha moments, but what stuck out for me were these three (summarized) quotes from Oprah & Nate:

"When the soul gets what it came for, it goes."

Which for me is comfort that I won't go until it's my time to go.

"All death is a reminder to turn up the volume on life."

Which goes hand in hand with what I kind of figured out on Sunday after days of freaking out about my body and death: how do you beat death? You live. Every moment, making it the best you can. 

And finally,

"Why you survived is every little moment stitched together."

There doesn't have to be a BIG reason why I'm living and other moms aren't.  It can simply mean I get to carry on.  I have that privilege.  It can just be the little things, the way I love my family and my friends, that make my life monumental.  (I am doing a terrible job at explaining what those quotes meant, but if you go listen to the podcast, I know you'll walk away enlightened, too!)

So in addition to reading those books, and being brutally honest with Josh about my mental health status, I am going to really focus on gratitude and living this one life I've been given to the fullest. 

Thanks for listening.

Hugs.