Baby Shout Outs

Today in the car the boys were talking to each other. Jack said, "I like Papa." Logan replied, "I like Papa, too.  I like Papa and Isaiah."  Then we drove past "Blake's car!!!"  and Jack said, "Blake's in there. Ferris in there, too."  Then a while later he said, "I love Blake. I love Ferris, too. And I love Roxanne."

Then I asked, "Who else do you love?" And he said, "Nanny. And Papa.  And Roxanne." 

Baby Love!

take my pain away

{Completely random picture of how I found Logan sleeping one night when I went in to say my evening prayers.  His father also sleeps like this on occasion, which I find endearing.} 

-

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. 

Exhaustion & Excitement. 

Hello's & Good-bye's.  

Heartbreak & Acceptance.

Day One was terrible.  Day Two was better- the kids were there on day two, and I do love my students. Day Three was okay, but ended with a tension headache. And today (Day 4) ended with smiles at work, and smiles at home.  After four days at work, I believe I have arrived at acceptance.  It's not my time to be home with my boys, but that doesn't mean I can't have quality time with them. My bestest-friend-ever at work, Lisa D, who is my sidekick, my support, my very heart, told me the day before we headed back that time with my kids was not about quantity, but about quality. And all week I have repeated that mantra to myself. "Quality not quantity.  Quality not quantity."  So instead of loading the dishwasher or preparing for the next day when I get home, I just sit. I sit on the couch and hold my babies. We snuggle, read and tickle. We hug, kiss & say, "I missed you" over & over & over.  And that is the best way to spend my afternoons. Even if it means I go to bed later and wake up tired from doing all of it after they are in bed.

They are worth every effort I am putting into our life right now. They are worth the struggles.  They are worth my pain.  And if I have to be at work, at least I am in a place where I have such amazing support and love.  I can't tell you how many people have told me they are so sorry Josh didn't get a job, but are so happy to see me back at Lincoln.  And I know they mean it.  And it means a lot to me.

Josh said tonight that he believes there must be a reason that he's the one home with them.  He is really trying to connect, bond & enjoy this time with our beautiful boys.  He said that maybe God wants him to really appreciate a job when he gets one. Or maybe he is home so that when he's the one working he will really appreciate how much work it will be for me to be home with the boys.  He, too believes there is a reason.

I do believe {still} that God has amazing plans for our lives.  I have always believed.  Doubt has occasionally crept in, but when I am able to breathe and trust, I know. I know He has our best interest at heart. I know that He will take care of us. I know that in our dark times, He will carry us. He has carried us.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, 
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. 
Plans to give you hope and a good future." 
Jeremiah 29:11

And so I am going to breathe. I am going to trust. I am going to enjoy my time at home, and my time at work. I am going to find joy in whatever I am doing.  Because what kind of life is it, to be miserable? To view myself as a victim? I have to choose joy. God knows that where He leads, we will follow.  Until then, I am going to slow down.  I have been feeling so frantic. Desperate. But why?  In 27 years on this planet, He has yet to let me down.  His time is not my time. And that is hard to accept, but I must accept it.

I just want to thank you all.
For the support, love & prayers you have offered to me.
Our situation is not ideal, it's not what we pictured,
but God has graced me with acceptance.  

{I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away...}

{I know you hate to see my cry,

One day You will set all things right.}

*sigh*

 Well, I did it. I completed my first day back.  It's over. And I feel quite proud of myself for surviving it.  I was a roller coaster of emotions most of the day.  I spent last night crying over my mayonnaise as I made my sandwich. Then this morning I was happy to snuggle Logan on the couch, but bummed that Jack kept sleeping. I was happy that Josh made them eggs (their favorite!) for breakfast, but sad that I couldn't sit down & eat with them.  I was happy to see my friends at work, but so disappointed that after all we sacrificed the last two years, our dreams are yet to come true.

Once I got into the swing of things at work, though, I held it together pretty well. And I didn't shed a single tear. (No small feat!)  I must say I work with some of the most amazing, supportive people.  I know that it would have been a million times more difficult if it weren't for all of them.  

Then when I got home, Josh had made the bed (my favorite thing!), done the dishes, taken out all the trash, lit some candles & hung the artwork the boys had made on the fridge for me to see.  It made my heart happy to know they had fun with Daddy while I was at work.  I also found this picture on the camera of Jack wearing my flip flops, pushing his baby around in the stroller. You know what they say, "Like mother, like son..." or something like that!  How cute is he?

And how great is Josh? He really came through for me.  Making the house so nice to come home to and making sure the boys had fun today.

I arrived home to the boys in underwear & t-shirts, jumping up and down ecstatically on the scrapbook table, screaming, "Mommy! Mommy!"  I came in and we put in a movie, got out their blankets & bubbas and had ourselves a good snuggle.  Then I got dinner going while carrying Jack around like a hip-monkey, hugging his chubby wrists around my neck saying, "I missed you, Mommy. I missed you." 

We had dinner as a family ("together") and the boys were so cute, telling me about using truck stickers to make their art with Daddy.  They are both sick with runny noses, so after dinner I gave them a warm, soapy bath, playing and talking, and just generally enjoying them.  Before jammies, I rubbed Vicks all over their chests and put vaseline on their noses.  Then I read them "I Love Trucks" and "Kiss Kiss", tucked them into their cozy beds & kissed them each about fifteen times.

I just love them so much. 

And they love me.

Life is good.

my very heart

 Here is what the boys looked like last year when I headed back to work...

{Jack}

{Logan}

And here is what my boys look like this year as I head back...

{Logan & Jack}

This is exactly why it kills me to head back to work.  I know just how quickly time passes.  How fast they are growing up.  And when I have to work, I feel like I missing too much. Missing too many moments.  

...when my heart is breaking,

I never leave your hands...

Growing right on Up

 Last week while at Babies R Us in addition to the potty chairs, we also picked up a pair of booster seats so that as fall sets in we can start having dinners together, at our table, with our little boys.

{Logan}

{Jack}

The boys were so excited to try out their new seats for the first time. We had homemade macaroni & cheese and hot dogs, all seated together at the table, and the boys were simply ecstatic.

While we were sitting at the table I told the boys we were eating "together" and taught them the sign for "together." Ever since then they want to eat every meal "together". If they are having snack, they want both Josh & I to pull up chairs & grab ourselves some yogurt as well.  

They tell everyone we see that we eat "together" at the "table".

And even though this is the mess I am left with after our meals together, my heart is full.

peter pan

The boys lately have become aware of shadows.
It's been fun to watch them experiment with their own shadows.
Here Jack is waving to his shadow.
He then knelt in the sand and tried to dig his shadow off the beach.
Unfortunately, it seems to be sewn on...

Oh, how I wish I could climb inside their minds 
to see what's going on up there as they learn the mysteries of life.

What I'll Miss

Boys being boys...

 Making even my chores more fun...

I'll miss having them constantly underfoot as I go about the business of running this house.

I'll miss their spontaneous hugs.

I'll miss their post-nap snuggles.

 I'll just miss them.

So much.

brothers

I absolutely LOVE this picture that Josh took of the boys.

They are so sweet to each other.

For example, Logan hurt his hand today and Jack said, "Logan owie? You okay? Feel better, Logan."  Then he brought Logan his bubba's to hug. Melted my very heart.

Pregnancy Progress

My adorable friend Lori put a slideshow on her blog,
showing her progress from Week 5 to Week 39 of her pregnancy.
It made me want to do the same, so here it is:

The last picture (Week 37) was taken before we left for the hospital.

The boys were delivered a few hours later.

Andrea & Taylor's Wedding

{August 28, 2010}

Last weekend Josh's sister Andrea & her boyfriend Taylor finally tied the knot! The wedding was beautiful, the weather was perfect and our boys were well behaved. It was a great excuse to get dressed up & spend some time with family.  With Josh as a groomsmen and me as a bridesmaid, we had to call in the troops to help us with the boys. My parents & sister rose the occasion and {miraculously} kept the boys quiet during the service, except for Jack occasionally asking, "I see Daddy?" 

 

The Cunningham Family

{est. 2003}

I was loving every second of the boys being all dressed up in their new suits & shoes.  They just looked so handsome.  And I particularly love this picture because they are holding hands. Sigh. 
(Funny story: during these pictures we got them to cooperate by telling them they could have cupcakes when we were done, so when they saw these pictures framed on our living room wall this morning, they both pointed and said, "Cupcakes!!!")

There is no love like the love for a brother.

There is no love like the love from a brother.

-Astrid Alauda

Priceless.

Jack

Logan

Logan & Gustav having a very serious discussion.

I love this picture. They just look like little men discussing stocks or real estate.

Shelly & Logan

Shelly & Jack

Jack after selecting said cupcake.

Looks like it might have been worth suffering the photo op!

Logan and his reward: a cupcake!!!

Mr. & Mrs. Seidel cutting the cake

Jack busting a move!

{So cute!!!}

I could seriously EAT HIM UP!

Logan, also busting a move!

He's such a stud!

Mommy & Jack getting ready for a one serious kiss!

(I think we look a lot alike in this one)

I just love this kid.

He cracks me up.

Having the two of them there, at the wedding, shortly following our own {seven year} wedding anniversary made me realize just how quickly time goes by. And it made me thankful for my husband, who loves me so much. And for my children, who I was wishing for all my life.

I may forget sometimes, but I am blessed.

Truly blessed.