take my pain away

{Completely random picture of how I found Logan sleeping one night when I went in to say my evening prayers.  His father also sleeps like this on occasion, which I find endearing.} 

-

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. 

Exhaustion & Excitement. 

Hello's & Good-bye's.  

Heartbreak & Acceptance.

Day One was terrible.  Day Two was better- the kids were there on day two, and I do love my students. Day Three was okay, but ended with a tension headache. And today (Day 4) ended with smiles at work, and smiles at home.  After four days at work, I believe I have arrived at acceptance.  It's not my time to be home with my boys, but that doesn't mean I can't have quality time with them. My bestest-friend-ever at work, Lisa D, who is my sidekick, my support, my very heart, told me the day before we headed back that time with my kids was not about quantity, but about quality. And all week I have repeated that mantra to myself. "Quality not quantity.  Quality not quantity."  So instead of loading the dishwasher or preparing for the next day when I get home, I just sit. I sit on the couch and hold my babies. We snuggle, read and tickle. We hug, kiss & say, "I missed you" over & over & over.  And that is the best way to spend my afternoons. Even if it means I go to bed later and wake up tired from doing all of it after they are in bed.

They are worth every effort I am putting into our life right now. They are worth the struggles.  They are worth my pain.  And if I have to be at work, at least I am in a place where I have such amazing support and love.  I can't tell you how many people have told me they are so sorry Josh didn't get a job, but are so happy to see me back at Lincoln.  And I know they mean it.  And it means a lot to me.

Josh said tonight that he believes there must be a reason that he's the one home with them.  He is really trying to connect, bond & enjoy this time with our beautiful boys.  He said that maybe God wants him to really appreciate a job when he gets one. Or maybe he is home so that when he's the one working he will really appreciate how much work it will be for me to be home with the boys.  He, too believes there is a reason.

I do believe {still} that God has amazing plans for our lives.  I have always believed.  Doubt has occasionally crept in, but when I am able to breathe and trust, I know. I know He has our best interest at heart. I know that He will take care of us. I know that in our dark times, He will carry us. He has carried us.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, 
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. 
Plans to give you hope and a good future." 
Jeremiah 29:11

And so I am going to breathe. I am going to trust. I am going to enjoy my time at home, and my time at work. I am going to find joy in whatever I am doing.  Because what kind of life is it, to be miserable? To view myself as a victim? I have to choose joy. God knows that where He leads, we will follow.  Until then, I am going to slow down.  I have been feeling so frantic. Desperate. But why?  In 27 years on this planet, He has yet to let me down.  His time is not my time. And that is hard to accept, but I must accept it.

I just want to thank you all.
For the support, love & prayers you have offered to me.
Our situation is not ideal, it's not what we pictured,
but God has graced me with acceptance.  

{I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away...}

{I know you hate to see my cry,

One day You will set all things right.}