Anchorage Trip: Part Two

By the time I finally arrived in Anchorage, I was a hot mess. I had cried off and on for the entire hour-long flight, was nauseous from the turbulence and hated that I knew I was nearly 500 miles from my children.  As I made my way from the terminal to baggage claim I called my mom, bawling the whole way. I can't even really say now why I was crying.  Looking back I think I was exhausted from traveling.

My silver lining?

This girl!

She flew in to Anchorage from Seattle on Friday (when I was weathered in) to meet & take care of me while I was in town.  Saturday night she took the shuttle from the hotel to the airport and met me, emotional train wreck that I was, hugging away my tears and telling me she was so happy to see me.

Julie is the second oldest in Josh's family (Josh is fifth in birth order) and was for many years a homeschooling stay-at-home mom of three boys.  She is my son-raising guru and kindred spirit.  She is completely beautiful and stylish and selfless and I absolutely adore her.  

I think both my mom and I were disappointed that it didn't work for her to come to Anchorage, but we reached the conclusion that things turned out how they were meant to.  Julie needed this little getaway as much as I did, and together, we lived it up!

We talked and talked and talked.  We watched TV.  (No sports!)  We took our time getting ready each morning.  We took turns in the giant tub the hotel room had. We ate.

And we shopped.

We stayed at the Dimond Center Hotel which was perfectly located for our purposes.  We were able to walk to the Dimond Center Mall as well as Walmart.  We perused Old Navy, Claire's, Forever 21, and a bunch of stores in between.  I found some great winter things-- hats, a knit headband and some adorable scarves.

I got a lot of cute tops at Old Navy which has inspired me to organize my closet now that I'm home.  I also got myself an arrow ring (Julie got a matching one!), a pair of beige earrings that I love, and an airplane necklace that Julie and I agreed is my new "brave" talisman.

At Walmart the shopping was slightly less fun, but I was happy to be able to place a Bush Order.  I had a huge list of things we needed, as well as some things we wanted.  The items that couldn't wait got shipped by yours truly, but the majority of it was wheeled back (in two carts) to the bush department where I filled our address in on the Bush Order Form and opted for COD (cash on delivery) which means we just write the post office a check when the boxes arrive in a few weeks.

In that order is a potty chair & big boy underwear for Wyatt (!!!) a large variety of tea and a plethora of snack items for my three voracious boys.  Not to mention 40 pounds of flour, countless cans of fruit, and a ton of other stuff.

It took me a while to get used to shopping without the kids. To be able to look at every thing in the store. To try things on at my leisure, not while feeling like I am running a marathon.

Once I adjusted, I must say it was quite lovely!

We also rented a car and traversed Anchorage with my GPS and Julie's insane sense of direction.  It was a huge fear that I conquered.  Trusting the GPS,  driving in the snow & ice, trusting my ability to face challenges that might crop up...  I think aside from leaving the boys, driving was my biggest fear.

We ate out:

pretzels at Auntie Ann's,

salad, breadsticks and chicken marsala at Olive Garden,

and I had Subway (3x!)

We also had pizza,

I ate way too many cookies from Mrs. Fields,

and I ate an entire bag of white powdered donuts while shopping at Walmart.

I also really enjoyed the English muffins at the hotel breakfast bar.

We got manicures & pedicures, pink for my toes and french tip on my fingers, and the massage chair they had me in for my pedicure was awesome!  I felt like I was in heaven.  I felt so relaxed and pampered.

At the end of each day, our room looked like a tornado hit from all the shopping bags and our own luggage slowly unpacking itself.  It makes me happy to look at this picture.  We just had so much fun!

In addition to all the fun things we did, I managed to see the dentist & the doctor while Julie was there.  The dentist fixed a tooth that had a filling which had fallen out.  They also did a cleaning for me while I was there.

At the doctor I had an entire notebook page full of questions and concerns to go over.  We agreed that we needed to run a full blood panel to check my thyroid, my iron and vitamin D levels. I am still awaiting the results of that.  We also discussed my anxiety & depression, and she feels that I have been on the right medication, I just need a little more time.  She also mentioned that IUD's (which is what I have been using for birth control since Wyatt was born) have been linked to depression & anxiety.  She suggested I do a little research myself online and talk with Josh.

I decided that I did want my IUD out, just to eliminate the chance that it was contributing to my situation.  So we removed it.  She found me a birth control prescription for only $9 a month at Walmart, since my health insurance doesn't cover birth control.  She also suggested I exercise everyday, which is something I had planned on, and that I try to get outside, even for ten minutes, in the sunlight, each day if at all possible.

She said my lungs sounded clear (pneumonia & bronchitis are all gone!) and gave me a recommendation for some antacid pills to help with my reflux. 

She was really nice, and told me that she homeschooled her daughter, which I fully love; and I super loved her nurse as well.

Everyone I talked to while I was in Anchorage expressed shock at my ability to raise three young boys in the bush.  It was good affirmation for me that what I do is difficult.  Sometimes I forget that raising kids is supposed to be challenging.  Sometimes I forget that doing so out here is even more so.

Throughout our stay in Anchorage, we enjoyed gorgeous weather.  

It was in the twenties or thirties each day, with clear skies.

We were grateful!

While in town, I also got a new phone, which was exciting.  It's an iPhone 5s, which I traded with Josh. So he has the new iPhone, and I have his old iPhone. It's been a bit of an adjustment, but overall I am really happy with it. Especially the quality of the camera & recorder. Now I can upload adorable videos of Wyatt onto Facebook, which brings me such joy!

One night while we were at the mall, we saw these tiny kids playing hockey on the ice.  Some of them were so little, I thought their helmets would tip them over. They were absolutely adorable!

***

I am so grateful that I had Julie there with me.  To listen as I cried, to accompany me to the dentist & doctor, and to fall asleep next to.  It was so happy to spend nearly four days together, laughing and making memories.  It was a great couple of days.

...more to come...

Anchorage Trip: Part One

Friday night, when we discovered I would not, in fact, be leaving Marshall (flights out of Bethel were on a weather hold) Josh and I went about our normal Friday night.  I put the kids to bed while he made pizza.  Then while the pizza cooked, we undid Christmas.

I snuck back in the boys' room later, once they were asleep, to take pictures of them sleeping. Even at age five, there is something magical about watching the twins sleep.  They look so innocent and beautiful. I could watch them sleep for hours.

That night I wrote them little notes telling them how I loved them and how I would miss them and hoped they would be good little boys for Daddy while I was gone.

I felt really peaceful about the fact that I was stuck in Marshall. At some point, I had let go of worrying about it and knew God was in control.  That I would get where I was going exactly when I was meant to.

Saturday morning we awoke refreshed with renewed hope that I would catch a flight out.  At morning snack Wyatt requested accompanying me to Anchorage. "Can I go on the plane with you, mom?" he asked, his big blue eyes serious.  "No, honey. You can't," I said gently.  "Why not?" he asked, "Please? Please?"  Every fiber of my being wanted to say, "Yes! Sure you can! Of course!"  But instead Josh came to the rescue and reminded Wyatt that they would be having Boys-Only Movie Night with pizza & dessert, which was enough to make Wyatt okay with staying home without mommy.

The morning weather was clear, so I was hopeful a plane would come.

We listened all morning on the VHF (village radio) for ERA to call that my flight was coming in. I also called every hour to see if flights were on weather hold or not.

Finally around 10am we heard a flight was coming in.

So we headed out to the airport.

I was really excited on the ride out there, and even as we watched our plane land,

but when I had to get out of the truck, and walk away from those boys...

It got hard.

I kissed them and hugged them and told them I loved them.  Then I hugged & kissed their father and thanked him for being so wonderful.  And I climbed on the plane with tears in my eyes.

Once seated, I waved, bleary eyed, at the three boys waving frantically from the windows of the truck.  I watched as Josh climbed behind the wheel and we all started blowing kisses.  And that's when it happened.

Logan.

He crumpled. Just physically folded in half, sobbing into Josh's side that he didn't want me to go.  Josh, God bless him, held Logan and let him feel his feelings.

I had already been crying, but watching Logan, who is normally my most reserved emotionally, break down at the thought of my departure made me cry even harder.

I took pictures until I could no longer see that white truck where the four things most important to me on this planet were seated.

Then I just closed my eyes and let the tears slide down my cheeks.

I got some pictures of Marshall from the air-- that dark spot on the river is the spot that is open, not frozen, and to the right (I know it's blurry!) is the village.

I seriously did not stop crying the entire flight from Marshall to Bethel, which is about thirty minutes. 

I think it was a mix of emotions.  Both relief that I was finally able to take off after waiting all day Friday to catch a flight, and sadness that I was actually leaving my boys, which I have never done for so many days, and certainly have never been so many miles from them.

Thankfully the flight itself was very smooth, with good visibility and beautiful take off and landing.

As we slowed for our arrival in Bethel, I fished some Kleenex out of my pocket, dried my eyes, and decided crying was done. It was time to be brave. 

When I landed and called Josh he told me that Logan had remained sad until lunch time.  He had marched himself right upstairs when they got home and laid on his bed, holding his (current) favorite stuffed lion.  He told Josh he just wished I didn't have to go to Anchorage.

Josh was able to convince him to come down for lunch, and later when I talked to Logan, he said his peanut butter and jelly sandwich made him all better.  I was so glad he was able to work through his sadness and be okay.  

---

I arrived on the ERA tarmac, walking quickly into the building to find my luggage, hoping if I hurried I could make the afternoon flight with Alaska Airlines.  Once I had my bags, I walked out of the building, slipping this way and that on the sheet of ice out front.  I wasn't sure exactly how to get from the ERA terminal to the Alaska Airlines building, a few blocks away.  In the past, there were always shuttle vans parked out front.

I asked a state trooper as he walked by how I could get from Point A to Point B.  He said he could give me a ride, "Hop in."  He was so nice.  He, too, is living here in the Yukon, raising three small children ages five and under.  His wife is a stay-at-home mom as well.  I was grateful for safe transportation to Alaska Airlines, and enjoyed visiting with him on the drive.

When I arrived at Alaska I discovered I had missed the flight by nine minutes!!! I was disappointed, but relieved that there were plenty of seats on the evening flight, which was scheduled to depart nearly nine hours later.

With so much time to kill, I decided to brave the elements (not too cold, but plenty of blowing snow) and walk myself to Brothers, a restaurant not too far from Alaska's terminal.

There I paid $20 for this meal.

Bacon cheeseburger, fries & a coke.

Worth.every.penny.

It was seriously awesome.

Not only because it was delicious, but because someone else made it for me!

While I ate, I got to watch planes take off and land.

And I did some reading.

When I was leaving I saw these pizza prices, and thought I'd share them.

$37.50 for a large all meat?!? That's crazy talk!!!

When I finished at Brother's, I headed back to Alaska to wait for my flight.  This was the view out my window in the terminal.  I was the only one there for a few hours.  Soon I was joined by a couple with the cutest daughter & son. Something about native babies make me want to scoop them up and squeeze their cheeks.  Their babies were no exception. They had a 9 month old son, and a nearly two year old daughter. Oh man, were they cute!  But watching them chase the little girl, and attempt to appease the baby boy made me grateful I wasn't stuck there with my own kids.  Traveling with littles is so much work!

I did my best to enjoy the peace of sitting in one place with no demands placed on me.  I put on my headphones, read my magazines, and ate the yummy snacks I had packed.

I will admit I started to get worried about the weather.  It was cold and snowing, and super windy.  But Josh assured me the larger jets were much more likely to land in bad conditions than the smaller planes we take to and from the village.

Finally the time came when they called us to head through security and board the plane.  I was overjoyed.  One hour and I would be in Anchorage with Julie. 

What I didn't account for during my joyful trek through TSA was sixty full minutes of the worst turbulence of my life, and the fact that traveling alone (sans Josh to hold my hand) is really lonely & kind of scary under those circumstances.

What also didn't help was the fact that I knew, every moment, I was getting further from my kids, and at the time it felt like my heart was breaking.

... to be continued...

Change of Plans

 So yesterday morning everything, all my plans, got thrown in the air, tossed around like a tornado and then slowly the dust settled and now things look good again.  But in the moment-- it was stressful!

My mom had planned to fly standby to Anchorage, and as the date approached, things booked up to the point where her friend at the airlines told her there was nothing.  Everything was overbooked.  She called yesterday morning to break the news to me, and I went into a frenzy.

First I thought, Okay, I can do this. I can go to Anchorage alone. But then I remembered how I have been feeling lately and realized that wasn't the greatest idea.  So Josh and I went to work, talking first with his parents, then with his sister (my best friend) Julie and before we knew it, we had a flight booked for her to meet me in Anchorage tonight.

As I type this, we are currently on a weather hold, so no planes are flying from Bethel, which means I am still in Marshall. But I am hopeful that something will clear up this afternoon so I can get to Bethel and make my late evening flight to Anchorage.

Yesterday and this morning were really hard. I was sad. Very sad.  Hating the idea of leaving the boys, and feeling guilty for going.

But this afternoon I am better.  I feel excited for my trip, anxious to spend time with Julie, and relieved at the idea of having a doctor and counselor here in Alaska.

 I spent all of yesterday packing, writing on my to do list, and hugging my boys. They would walk by and I was reach out, grab them, and squish them up!  I wrote them love notes for Josh to give them while I'm gone, and printed photos of me with them to put on their picture boards.

 After watching movies on my bed as I packed, we fed the boys chicken nuggets & pizza pockets, which brought them such joy, and then we did bedtime.  We read stories, snuggled & prayed and once those boys were asleep, Josh made us a pizza and we enjoyed some time together.

***

I hope I can hop on a plane this afternoon and meet Julie as planned this evening. But all of that is out of my control, so I am just trusting God to make it happen like it's supposed to!

the shadow of you & me

With my departure for Anchorage looming in the near future, 

I am finding myself feeling particularly sentimental about my parenting.

Tonight at bedtime I was telling Logan I need to go to Anchorage to see the doctor and that Nanny (my mom) will be meeting me there to take care of me, and then when he said his bedtime prayer he prayed that I would come back from Anchorage all better.  Totally made me cry.

Then when I was tucking Jack in, I was telling him how many days until I leave, and how many days I will be gone.  He said he would miss me and call me everyday.  He admitted, "I'm a little nervous. But not really."  It was sweet.

And finally when I was rocking Wyatt to sleep, he asked why I needed to go to Anchorage. He wanted me to just go to the clinic. I told him I needed to go to Anchorage because the doctor there will be able to help me.  He said, "Because your heart still hurts?"  I said yes. Then he said, "I will kiss it mommy." And he leaned forward and kissed me, then asked, "Does that feel better, mommy?"  

Oh, just beyond precious.

And when we were done rocking, he sat up to snuggle me one last time and saw our shadows (from the nightlight) behind us.  He looked at me, then looked behind us and said, "That's the shadow of you and me, mom.  It's special."

Oh how I love that sweet little munchkin. And his big brothers. 

I am very excited to go to Anchorage. To eat out, to sleep in, to shop and to spend time with my mom... but when I think of missing my boys for so many days, I get a little verklempt!  Thankfully Josh is very positive about the whole thing. He's excited for me to get out, to see the doctor, to spend some much needed time with my mom.  And he's not worried about his days with the boys at all. And that makes my leaving so much easier.

***

Today was a rough day emotionally up until bedtime. It got better when I slowed down and spent some time with my boys.  I am still not feeling 100%. I have a toothache, my stomach hurts, I'm dizzy... It's hard to know what is a real symptom and what is a symptom of the anxiety. At this point it all feels jumbled together. So getting through the day was hard. Plus I had to pay bills, which required actual focus (something that's hard to come by lately!) and I am feeling exhausted.

Thankfully I have a good friend & my mom, both of whom I talked to while I was feeling low, and we made a few plans.  The first one is that I am going to exercise each day. Just get that heart rate up in the hopes that it will relieve a little stress and lead to me feeling better.  The other is to write down my emotions/thoughts/feelings when I'm having a panic attack so later I can study them for clues or triggers.  Just having a plan makes me feel more in control of the situation.

I read two awesome blog posts today that spoke to me about the beauty of the fresh start of a new year.

15 Fresh Starts For The New Year

2014 by C Jane

My personal favorite thought for the new year is this one:

"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,

whispering, 'it will be happier'..."

-Alfred Tennyson

I have already started organizing and sorting through the house, something I love doing in the new year, and I am hoping tomorrow I will feel even better so I can tackle the playroom, which is currently a post-Christmas disaster!

I also ordered myself two new books to start the new year off right:

The Happiness Project
and

Happier at Home

I can't wait for them to arrive!!!

Happy New Year!