rough to be back

I am struggling with being at work this week.
The last two weeks I only had to work three day workweeks. And that was awesome. I felt like I got so much quality time with the boys.
This week I am at Wednesday and drowning with no end in sight.
I took the boys grocery shopping tonight (by myself at Winco!!!) and I saw more than one mom with a single toddler in her cart (and none on her back). I couldn't help but feel envious. Imagine... one baby to push, one baby's hands to watch (for "helpful" baby shopping fingers), one baby to coo at, talk to, or console. I'm grabbing food off the shelves (while trying to comparison shop), chucking it in the cart, feeding goldfish to hollering, 27 lb. Jack (who is on my back because Logan always rides in the backpack, and I am trying to take turns) and trying to keep curious Logan from emptying my purse on the pasta aisle.
By the time we got home I had to feed them, bathe them, and put them to bed. We had no play time. No quality time together. It breaks my heart. And it makes me panicky. I am not the one spending the most time with my kids anymore. They have to go to bed so early that I hardly get three good hours with them in the afternoons. And it's just not enough to satisfy my need for them. At work I am just counting the hours until I lay eyes on those glowing blonde heads again. Four more hours... two and a half more hours... Just the fifteen minute drive, then I'll be there.
Just when I feel like maybe it's getting easier to work, or easier to have Josh gone each night, I take a few steps back in my progress.
But maybe it's not supposed to be easy.
Maybe it will never be okay for me to leave my kids.
Maybe I will always (no matter their age) want to be home to be there for them.
I think that's just the person I am.
The mother I am.

In that case,
where are you Friday?


Julie said...

I feel you, but in a different way. I hate the week too, because I never get to see my kids. They spend most of their day being influenced (mostly negatively!) by those at school. By the time they finally get home we don't get to play and have fun, they have to sit at the table until nearly bedtime doing homework. I feel so helpless. I want to homeschool, but I want to do what's best for them. It maybe doesn't get easier, just different hard. (Though as you well know I'd rather be dealing with homework than two little boys at WINCO!! You're every woman!!)

Andrea said...

Shelly you're so brave!! We saw you & your boys at WinCo yesterday. Gustav was very upset when you guys left. Gustav was screaming his head off. I told Taylor that I wouldn't be surprised if you heard Gustav. Hahah! Anyway, only 2 months to go till Christmas vacation... I am already counting down the days till Christmas vacation! Whoohoo. :)

Lynnette said...

Andrea is right, Christmas vacation will be here soon! And you are brave, I haven't taken Norah to winco yet, just quick trips at Fred Meyer. Let me know if you want to get together and vent about work, or give me some mommy wisdom :) Hope your week goes quickly!

Elizabeth said...

I think I'm a bit like you in that I don't like to leave my children. Mine are older and each year I think - next year I will be better at "letting go". haha it hasn't happened yet. I hope you realise that loving them as much as you do when you are with them is the most important thing.
Thanks for sharing