With many deep breaths and reminders that "this too shall pass" {thank you for all the well wishes & support recently} I have almost survived this week. But barely.
Josh and I are finally doing better; talking, laughing and trying to figure out our future. Meanwhile, everything else is falling apart. He did get a few leads from his career fair, but the one who wanted him most??? Alaska. Well, let me be more specific... The Northwest Arctic Borough in Alaska, where chips cost $9.00 a bag, and the school district information packet has a page and a half on how to place a "bush order". (Where the nearest grocery store "shops" for you and sends it to you... on a PLANE.) Yeah, that kind of "bush order". We seriously considered it, but decided that with two 1 year olds it was likely not smart to live in a village with no hospital. There were a few other schools interested, but no one has contacted him yet.
We are feeling led to the Oregon Coast currently, and I have a feeling that is where we will end up. My grandparents are there and I'm quite familiar with the area. There are quite a few jobs available and we're excited to have an adventure a little bit closer to home.
Josh and I are finally doing better; talking, laughing and trying to figure out our future. Meanwhile, everything else is falling apart. He did get a few leads from his career fair, but the one who wanted him most??? Alaska. Well, let me be more specific... The Northwest Arctic Borough in Alaska, where chips cost $9.00 a bag, and the school district information packet has a page and a half on how to place a "bush order". (Where the nearest grocery store "shops" for you and sends it to you... on a PLANE.) Yeah, that kind of "bush order". We seriously considered it, but decided that with two 1 year olds it was likely not smart to live in a village with no hospital. There were a few other schools interested, but no one has contacted him yet.
We are feeling led to the Oregon Coast currently, and I have a feeling that is where we will end up. My grandparents are there and I'm quite familiar with the area. There are quite a few jobs available and we're excited to have an adventure a little bit closer to home.Things at my job have become incredibly stressful as well. Mostly communication/teamwork issues that make heading to work every morning even harder. If that's possible.
I ache for the boys each day, and then when I get home, I am so exhausted/stressed/worn out that my patience is short. Poor Logan (as Roxanne pointed out) is my barometer. You know the saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Well, that is my dear son Logan. If I am stressed, he is stressed. If I am angry, he is angry. So while I am crying myself to sleep each night, he is tantruming, head banging and biting with the best of them. It's killing me.
Tonight I was playing peek-a-boo with him after a horrible tantrum and when he stopped laughing he walked over to me and said, "Hug." Then he hugged me. It's like once I relaxed enough to play with him, he found his joy again. I feel so guilty.
This parenting stuff is so heavy. Every decision I make is not for myself or Josh, but for Jack & Logan. I have never suffered such severe self doubt! I want to provide the best life for them, but what exactly will that look like? Where will that be?
It's exhausting.
I ache for the boys each day, and then when I get home, I am so exhausted/stressed/worn out that my patience is short. Poor Logan (as Roxanne pointed out) is my barometer. You know the saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Well, that is my dear son Logan. If I am stressed, he is stressed. If I am angry, he is angry. So while I am crying myself to sleep each night, he is tantruming, head banging and biting with the best of them. It's killing me.
Tonight I was playing peek-a-boo with him after a horrible tantrum and when he stopped laughing he walked over to me and said, "Hug." Then he hugged me. It's like once I relaxed enough to play with him, he found his joy again. I feel so guilty.
This parenting stuff is so heavy. Every decision I make is not for myself or Josh, but for Jack & Logan. I have never suffered such severe self doubt! I want to provide the best life for them, but what exactly will that look like? Where will that be?It's exhausting.
2 comments:
"It's exhausting..." Amen.
The beach would be super great! It would give you a chance to make it on your own, but not so far away that you wouldn't have family support if you needed it.
Oh Shelly...I hear you. I am only working part-time and come home exhausted and short on patience. I can relate with so much that you are saying. I will be praying that Josh finds the best job and you can stay home with your babies! We have decided that I am going to stay home with the kids next year for many of the same reasons you stated. I love teaching but it will always be there. Hang in there...God is Faithful. Carissa
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