I've got the "my babies are turning into toddlers" blues...

Parenting these boys is... exhausting, exhilarating, exciting.  They are talking, singing, playing, laughing, signing and interacting more every day. They are, in short, becoming toddlers.

 Today my mom taught them, "Who is your twin?" Logan answers, "Jack. Jack, twin." And Jack answers, "Logan. Logan, twin." It is the most precious thing I have ever heard.  It's like they already know how lucky they are to have each other. I am reminded how blessed I am by them when I see how much they love each other. To witness that, as a parent, makes it all worth it.

There's a lot going on right now, in terms of parenting, and it is wearing me out.  Today, for instance, we stopped by the WIC Office (where I get the vouchers for free food for the boys) to get them weighed and pick up our checks. The case manager, Tracy, God bless her, was so sweet. She weighed Jack first (31 lbs), and then plotted him on that weight/length/age chart.  Well, he has always sat snug on the 50% line, but between December and today, he jumped up to between the 75th %ile & the 90th %ile.  I lost it. I had been worrying about him because he just loves to eat, especially sweets, and he seems so much bigger than Logan. 

And I live in constant fear that he is going to grow up fat. So there I sat, with a woman I met seven minutes earlier, crying about how I work full time, I am so overwhelmed and I feel like a bad mom, and I didn't mean for them to end up getting dessert every day after dinner, it just happened, and I could not pull myself together. She said I'm not a bad mom, and this is just a good reminder to keep his foods healthy and keep pushing those fruits, veggies and protein foods.

Then she weighed Logan (27lbs) and said he has also jumped over his growth curve, but far less drastically.  He's such a picky eater, he just doesn't pack it in like Jack does. 

We left and I cried the whole way home; a little more when I talked to Josh; and more still when I talked to my mom. I just hate that I am worried about feeding him right. I should have been feeding him right all along, but it's just hard to always be paying attention when I have so much going on.

Things like them sleeping in "big boy beds" instead of cribs. Things like it taking a half hour to an hour and a half to get them to sleep at nap or bed time.  Things like trying to decide if they're ready for big kid pillows or if SIDS is still a concern.  Things like they've been waking up at 5:30am for days on end and we are both EXHAUSTED from it.  Stuff like that.

That's right. These are their "big boy beds" (AKA cribs minus one wall) and they LOVE them.  

Sunday night I woke up to the sound of toddlers at play (at 11:30pm) so I opened my bedroom door, planning to go in their room to reprimand them. I didn't quite get there. 

Jack was on the computer in the living room and Logan was in the bathroom.  Uh-oh.  The inmates had escaped!  It was my own fault, I hadn't closed their bedroom door all the way because of the loud, obnoxious CLICK that it makes, but I still couldn't believe they were up!

I immediately (the next day) sent Josh to buy chains for the front and back doors. And we decided that if they were able to climb out of their cribs and play, we may as well accept the change, embrace the change, be the change... and I asked him to remove the fourth wall of their cribs. They were falling (as they climbed out) and also, couldn't get back in the cribs once they were out.  So we prepared ourselves for change and bought them big boy pillows. (Turns out they don't really like them, so they're in a closet for the time being.) 

I just can't believe that the tiny four and six pound babies that I brought home from the hospital two short years ago are sleeping in big boy beds.  

Josh had a good point recently. He said that this age is difficult because of all the independence and choices they can make, but it's totally worth it when they (out of nowhere) run up to hug or kiss you.  Or when they say, "Hi, Daddy. I love you." Totally makes up for all most of it.

Meanwhile, I am crazy busy planning their second birthday-- a day that is bittersweet for me. I am trying (desperately) to feel joyful to have made it this far, but honestly, I am feeling sad. Sad for all the moments I've missed being a working mommy. Sad for the toddlers they've become because of the babies they no longer are.  Sad for my lack of patience with them as I am navigating this new freedom that their big boy beds provide.  

I think celebrating their first birthday was 100% joyful because there were honestly moments where I wasn't sure we would make it. Nights when, while home alone with two crying babies, I wondered how I would make it to Friday, let alone how I would make it to June 6th.  

Now it's a different kind of hard. It's more about how much time or attention I can give the boys, not how much energy. Or at least not the same kind of energy they required that first year. Now that they are interacting and needing more from me that way, I feel like I am so lacking.

 And I hate to be one who rags on the weather, but OMG. The rain around here, is unbelievable. Buckets and buckets of it. The boys have been wearing their frog rain boots for days on end!  

 If only there was one single ray of sunshine that could speak through it's brightness as a beacon of hope for me. That could tell me it will get better, that I will feel better, that it will all be over soon... that summer is around the corner, and it will be a summer filled with swimming, popsicles, sprinklers, camping, laughing and memories. If only...

Until then I will have to look back on memories of last summer and get planning. Pull myself out of my "babies are growing up" funk and get on with it! There is fun to be had!