{Your Hands}

 Take a moment, and listen to this song.

It spoke to me.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yeah, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...
 

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

-

A fellow blogger posted this song on her page, along with an inspirational thought about letting God make the choices in our lives.  It totally hit home for me with where I am right now. The song is so light, and beautiful. And true. God is there. In our darkest times. He is there. He is faithful.

Today I may have sat on the couch when Josh took the boys to the park and bawled my eyes out.  I may have begged, out loud, with my cat looking at my like I was a crazy person, for the Lord to have His hand in our family. To lead us. To allow me to stay home with our boys. To spare me the heartache of leaving them in seven days. 

I may have cried until I was hiccuping, like a child. And then I might have had some ice cream with extra chocolate syrup on top to make myself feel better.

And that might have felt cathartic.

I might have felt a lot lighter after giving that to the Lord.

Just maybe.

-

And after my {possible} couch crying episode, I know for sure I read an article through which the Lord spoke to me. He has a way of doing that that never ceases to amaze me.  It was a Good Housekeeping article on Mariska Hargitay (who plays Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU). Every quote from her jumped off the page at me.

"Your realize when you become a mom that everyone you look at is someone's kid."

"I realize now that you have to show up for you life."

"The one rule we follow is: Always stick up for the other parent no matter what. And if you disagree, you talk it over in private, not in front of your child."

"I get jealous that other people get to take August to school and pick him up... I can't always be a part of that. You can't have everything."

"When you love your kid, there's a string that attaches you, and you are always connected even when you are doing other things."

And the most poetic & true:

"Religion has caused a lot of war, and also a lot of pain, and I don't think that's what God intended. I find faith to be a more private thing. For me, it's about my personal relationship with God. I think God has a plan, a big one. I try to live in gratitude and awe and to get to know Him better and pray that He helps guide me in the decisions I make."

Amen, Mariska, amen.

-

And again while blog-hopping (following blog to blog to blog) the Lord spoke to me. There was a quote on one blogs' side bar that read:  "Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it."

I don't know if this is true, but if it is, then I have more control over things than I originally thought. It means that I may have to work, but I can choose (to some extent) how I feel about that. Last night I lay in bed repeating the mantra, "Let go & let God," so that I could stop thinking about leaving the boys and missing out on snuggles, laughs & memories while at work and fall asleep. I am, at moments, strong. And I am, at other times, not so strong. Leaving them (be it with their father or grandmothers) tears at my heartstrings. Breaks my very heart, really.  But when I read a quote like that, or come across a blog about loss, like Tuesday's, then I choke down that dose of reality and return to a place of gratitude.  Where I am thankful that Jack & Logan are both alive. Where I am thankful that my husband & I love each other. Where I am thankful to be well enough to work, to have a job, to provide for my family.

I can only pray that God will help me stay in this place of gratitude.

 Because next week, I will be leaving those bubs.

When my world is shaking

Heaven Stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

I never leave your hands