Full

I stopped and put gas in the car today. 19 gallons. Over $70. As I stood in the rain (because of course it started raining when I pulled up to the pump) I thought about how good it feels when the gas tank is full. And since it was quiet (the twins are with Aunt Julie this afternoon) I started feeling somewhat philosophical about that.  I think I am like that. When my "gas tank" is on E, I feel awful. I am short tempered, cranky, moody.  When my "gas tank" is full, though, I feel happy, light, capable. It's a good feeling.

For me, a full tank means a good nights' rest, a full stomach & some moments of peace. Whether it's during bed/nap time or a moment I steal while they are busy, I need a little solitude.  

I miss journaling. 

Did you know I journal? I have kept a journal since I was 12 years old.  Sixth grade. That's a hilarious journal to read. It's all about Chuck Baker, my boyfriend, and Sherri Woodman, my best friend.  There are Lisa Frank stickers all over the front of it, and the running theme is how devastated I am that we are moving from the only childhood home I've ever known.  

I spent hours walking that house, shuffling my feet, so that I would have touched every square inch of flooring.  I buried a time capsule that still rests in the backyards' back flowerbed near the fence.  And once we moved, I would spend nights in my new bedroom trying to remember where we kept things at our old house. I was especially obsessed with what went in the hall closet & bathroom cupboards & drawers. It's like I thought forgetting those details would mean losing everything that house meant to me.

I am still this way. And I think this is why solitude is so important to me. It's important for me to take time for reflection.  Like what they say about history- if you don't know history, you are doomed to repeat it. That's what I love about journaling. Both writing what I am currently going through, and looking back at where I came from. 

I am addicted to recording my children's lives. I want every moment, sentence, expression captured. Which, of course is not realistic. I get kind of panicky about it. So I have the calendars I use to record daily happenings, as well as the blog. But I still long for more. I want to be writing in my journal every night before I go to bed (how I'm coping with Josh's absence... what parts of parenting delight me... what parts try my patience...) and I want to be taking more pictures everyday.

I have to balance my desire to capture it all with the need for me to be in the moment. It's a daily challenge, but one that I don't mind putting effort into because when I find that balance, when I am able to both play with the kids & get a few good shots of our day on film, I feel peace.  With Wyatt here now, I realize just how quickly time goes by. These are the days I know I will miss. Being a mom is all I ever wanted in my life, and the time will come all too soon that my nest is empty.  Then I will be grateful for the memories I've made today.

So this evening, while Julie has the boys, I am going to take a moment to reflect. To take stock of where I am, where I want to be and how far I've come. That way I know when they come back, telling me tales of adventures with their cousins, I'll be that capable, light, happy mom they deserve.