babies don't keep...

This afternoon I was feeling nostalgic about all my boys, 

but particularly Wyatt, 

so I looked back through his baby photos. 

I love this one. It's the first time I really held him... studied him... said hello.

I look wrecked. I was wrecked.

24 hours of labor ending in a c-section will do that to a girl.

I love this one.
I love this man. I love him as a daddy, and as a partner.

I love him as my best friend.

And I love how he's holding Wyatt like he's a present.

I love how big my grandma is smiling, meeting her fifth great grandson.

I love how, in his defense, she told me not to name him Wyatt Nathanial Cunningham because he will be stuck with that ever-so-long name for the rest of his ever-so-long life.  I named him that anyway, but I love that she knew it would be annoying for him, and cared.

I love this one of Jack checking out our new baby.

Last night we were talking about Madeline's appendix scar (from the book) and he said, 

"Mommy, you have a scar from when the doctors took us out of your tummy." 

I told him, "Yes, I do."

He goes, "Well, was there blood everywhere?"

I said, "Yeah, kind of."

"Well, what did the doctor do?"

I told him, "He sewed me up."

"Like Nanny's sewing machine?" he questioned with wide eyes.

"Yeah, kind of, but with their hands."

He thought about that for a minute.

"Maybe if we have another baby I could see that," then he contemplated some more. "No, no, maybe if you have another baby I will stay with Nanny again.  Yeah, I think that will be better." 

I asked him about when he came to see Wyatt at the hospital (pictured above) and he said that he was just really excited to see his baby and he still couldn't believe they got it out of my stomach.

 I like this one of me holding Logan and Wyatt because I had been so scared (for most of my pregnancy) that Wyatt's arrival would ruin our family.  I was worried about how I would handle three kids, and  I was scared for any change because I loved our boys and our life together so much.  

Luckily I found that it's true what they say, you really do grow more room in your heart as soon as the next baby is born.  And as for the twins, Wyatt has only enhanced their lives, making them better brothers, friends and people.  They are so good to him it makes my heart happy.

This week I have had to make some tough decisions.  I have decided to stop rocking Wyatt to sleep.  After nearly twenty months, it's time to change things up a bit. I have also decided to start limiting his time with his binky and taggie. These were decisions that were made in the best interest of Wyatt, not me.  I would love to keep rocking him for every nap and bedtime. I would love for him to keep walking around, talking through his binky and dragging his taggie (a little blankie with ribbons attached) everywhere he goes, because that means he is still my baby... that keeps him a baby.  But I can't. 

He has been waking up in the night, not wanting to go back to sleep, exerting a bit of a power struggle over Josh and I, and he's been winning big time. So now we sing one (or maybe two or three...) songs in the rocking chair, but I make sure that I lay him down in his crib awake so he is learning to soothe himself to sleep. Only three days in and already it's paying off. He's been up only once each night ever since I started.  

So I know it's better for him.

It's just hard for me. 

I think with the extended breastfeeding (we nearly hit the 18 month mark) and the rocking and coddling, I have been attempting to make up with Wyatt some of what I missed with the twins. Unfortunately it doesn't really work that way.  I can't go back, and I can't change how things happened with the twins. And it's not fair to hold Wyatt back from growing up, sprouting his wings and having his own experience so I can re-live what I missed with his brothers.  I have poured my heart and soul into this kid for nearly two years, and he is such a happy, well adjusted guy because of it.  But now is that time when I have to say goodbye to the mommy of Wyatt-the-baby and step into the mommy of Wyatt-the-toddler role.  It's tough, but it must be done.

So don't mind me while I peruse the June 2011 photo file on my desktop, 

crying and wishing time would slow down  a whole lot just a little bit for me.