Coping

{Josh & Wyatt on Sunday}

 So, he left. Sunday. Five days ago. His brother Samuel drove our whole family to the airport to see him off.  Just typing about it brings tears to my eyes.  We pulled up and pulled over. We said good-bye on the road outside the Alaska Airlines entrance.  I let the boys get out to hug Josh.  He told them to be good for me and that he loved them.  Then he held the baby.  Watching how he squeezed Wyatt's tiny body, trying to memorize how he felt in his arms, nearly broke my heart.  Then I hugged him.  And I didn't want to let him go.  I sobbed into his neck, asking him to hug me just a little bit longer.  Then he unloaded his things and stepped up onto the sidewalk.  As Samuel pulled the car away from the curb, it took all my willpower to stay in the car.  What I wanted to do was run to him, hold him, and tell him not to go.  I felt physically sick leaving him there.  My chest felt as though someone were standing on it.  I cried most of the way home.

My little sweethearts are also working hard to cope with Daddy's absence. I can see them mulling it over, taking it in, trying to understand it. Heck, I am still trying to understand it.  Sometimes they are able to actually talk about what's going on in their minds, and other times they are just more emotional than usual.

 We were driving home from my mom's Monday night and Logan asked if Daddy was at home. I said no.  And then I asked him where Daddy was. And he told me Alaska.  Then he said, "But, he left for-out me."  (The boys both say for-out instead of without.) I told him no, that daddy didn't leave without him. That we had to wait for our Alaska house to be built.  He insisted that Josh had left for-out him and that only Jack was going to stay with me.  Then today on the way to Target, out of nowhere, he asked me if our Alaska house was ready yet.  He misses his Daddy so much.

And when he is not talking directly about Josh, he's more angry than usual. He has a really short fuse and has had quite a few raging tantrums that are unlike anything I have ever seen.  I've been trying to use the "time-in", where we go take a break together, in his room, rocking him in there.  That seems to diffuse it.  Thank God.

As for Jack, he is more sad, more sensitive. He has cried more easily, and gets really upset when I cry.  Wednesday when we had our first Skype session with Josh, it didn't go well. His face was all distorted and it was chopping up his sentences. It was a huge exercise in frustration.  The technology wasn't working, the boys were being naughty, Wyatt was crying and Josh had overslept and was running behind.  I had been really looking forward to seeing his face and getting the boys to talk with him, so when it all went awry I got upset.  I cried for a good ten minutes when it was over.  Jack just hugged me the whole time.  Then when I was done he asked if I was okay.  And later, at the park, he picked me a flower and told me I needed it.

I've been trying to do that- just feel my feelings as they come.  I let the tears and sadness wash over me as they will, and pretty soon I am okay again.

 I will say that I am finding within myself strength I never knew I had.  And I am also finding more reasons to never leave Josh. Last night I had to take out the trash (to the curb), which I have never done before, and it's heavy & stinky as all get out. Yuck! Then today I had to haul them back into the yard again.  Also yesterday the gas light came on in the car, and this morning I had to fill up the Pilot.  I have only put gas in the Pilot twice. TWICE.  Josh always (always!) fills up my car for me.  It's one thing I loved.  It felt so luxurious to never have to put gas in my own car.  Now I'm gassing up my own car like the rest of the population. And hating it.

While at the gas station we saw a Porsche filling up. Jack said, "That guy is a spaz, his car is loud! But I like it." Reminded me of Josh so much.  He was also giving me pointers on filling up the car. He told me that when it was done I should shake it to get the extra gas out.  Pretty sad my three year old knows more about it than I do!

Those are just two things I miss Josh doing. I also miss him giving the boys baths. And making dinner. And helping me load them all in the car.

Despite missing him (and I do) I am doing better than I thought I would.  I don't cry all the time.  And I am doing much better at bed time than I had imagined.  I am able to feed the baby and fall right to sleep. I think this is because of all the people praying for me.  Bedtime was something I thought I would dread & really struggle with, but it has been nothing but smooth sailing. Sure, it's lonely in there, but I feel peace.  And that is priceless.

 I am also feeling a lot more peace about all of us being together in Marshall.  Josh said the new housing is like condo's (two story) and there are some that have three bedroom/two bath!!! I would just DIE to have 2 bathrooms!  I would also adore living in a brand new place.  We did once, for six months, and it was lovely.

My mom talked to my Grandpa Harold (her dad) this week, and he is super excited for us.  He said that this decision is something we will never regret.  I don't know why, but his excitement touched me.  I am feeling more positive about it everyday.  Josh is making friends with other teachers at orientation, and has been getting to the know the principal.  He just sounds so positive every time I talk to him.  And on top of the housing & Josh being so happy, I can't wait for our family to be together again.

Meanwhile, I am doing what I can to get through the days.  We have had a lot of play dates, which help so much, and I also made these neat calendars for the boys.  Each day they put a sticker on their Daddy Calendar to mark another day completed in his absence.  And we have been making art work to send him in Alaska.

{Logan enjoyed finger painting a picture for Daddy}

{As did Jack}

I have also learned a few tricks about single parenting.  I've been working on lowering my expectations of myself. I simply can't get it all done, and that's okay. I gotta cut myself some slack.  I also have discovered that if I sit and play with the boys, just long enough to get them involved in what I'm doing, I can then step away to get something checked off my to do list. It's what my mom always said. Five minutes will get you ten.  It's so true.  I have also been accepting any and all offers of help.  My nieces came Wednesday to help with dinner & bedtime, my girlfriend is coming Monday, and I have more help lined up for next week.  Just knowing an extra set of hands will be here sporadically helps me.  So that's how we're coping.  Here's hoping Week Two is even better than Week One has been.