this & that

 I have been feeling depressed.  

Even writing it sucks.  The last month I have felt overwhelmed by every tiny thing, I have been obsessing in my worried thoughts, and I have found that things that once brought me joy don't bring me joy anymore.

I have also been an unreasonable wife & mother.  Don't question Josh about this, as he will plead the fifth, but it's the truth. I have been less understanding, more impatient and working ever closer to the edge of crazy that I skirt along.

I feel like I don't deserve to be depressed because of all the wonderful things I have in my life, 

but the truth is that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. 

It doesn't make me less than anyone else.  

It doesn't mean I don't appreciate all I have.  

I have done a little research and wonder if my depression is linked to my weaning Wyatt two months ago, or if it has anything to do with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is depression brought on by winter.  Who knows.  But I have to do all I can to try and get a grip on it before it grips me.  

I cry when I need to cry, call someone when I need a shoulder, and am trying to take care of myself in other ways as well, like eating right and going to bed on time.  I also need to lighten my personal load- set realistic goals, write reasonable to-do lists and stop being so hard on myself all the dang time.

There is good news:

Spring is coming, and we have been getting outside.  This brings me joy personally, just seeing the sights, breathing fresh air and feeling the sun on my face; but it also brings me joy as a mommy, to watch the boys experience the snow, run and scream and be outside these four walls.

I have found that reading is an amazing escape for me.  My  new rule is that I must have a book to escape into at all times. 

Josh is working on his Alaska classes to meet teaching requirements here, and in the fall he will start his masters.  This means that three times a week the television is off and I get to have some time to gather my thoughts, journal, blog or work on other projects that just don't get done when the TV is on.

We are getting our finances in order.  We have decided to go on a Spending Fast thanks to the advice of Anna (who is also an identical twin) over at And Then We Saved.  That website is a gold mine of information about paying down debt. She herself paid off $24,000 in debt in only fifteen months!  Total inspiration!

Our routine here is really good for me. Josh and I have the mornings down to a science; the twins have accepted that school is a daily occurrence and are blossoming there; and I have been making dinner each night for our family for a few weeks now, and it feels so great! {tonight is moose roast, complete with carrots & potatoes- yum}

 The hardest part, I think, was admitting (to both myself and Josh) that I was feeling this way. 

~

 Mid-week last week Josh came home bearing gifts from the store:

fresh tomatoes

and lettuce.

We immediately had tacos, and a few days later Josh remembered we had Fritos in the pantry and insisted we have taco salad. It did not disappoint. We thoroughly enjoyed every bite!

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 I, umm... Well, I sort of melted my other bread bowl on the stove top when I turned on the wrong burner... and so I needed a new one.  It truly was an accident, but  ruining the old one meant I could justify buying a new one, with nice rounded edges, which are much kinder on my knuckles when I'm punching dough on Sunday mornings!

I ordered it and it came with only one ding in it, which I was surprised about. I thought it'd be a little worse for wear!

 The other items in the box were a little worse for wear. The Idaho potatoes ripped open in transit, depositing tiny flakes of taters all over the inside the box, the Bisquick I ordered and the canned chicken.  It was such a nightmare to clean up.

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We hosted a Superbowl party. It was small, but really nice to have people over. The boys came and went, eating bites of this and that off the table, and it was a lovely laid back Sunday afternoon. I made bread while our guests were here, and with some of the dough I made fresh donuts with homemade maple frosting. Oh man, they were so good! 

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Saturday the weather was gorgeous, so after Wyatt's nap we bundled up and headed out.

 I was happy (as was Wyatt) to have another grown up {daddy} out with us!

 Wyatt got to go on his first sled ride with Jack, and he did great! 

(Even after it crashed at the end and he had a face full of snow!)

 The more he is out in the snow, the more I find he is getting his footing.

 It's tricky to walk in the snow anywhere, but here, we have four to six feet of it, and you can be walking along, only to suddenly sink up to your thigh!

But he's getting there!

 I just can't get enough of his sweet blue eyes peeking out of his scarf & hat at me.

He really loved having Daddy out there with us!

 He went on his own sled a few times, too.

 He wasn't sure what to think of that exciting adventure!

 Jack, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do,

and loved every minute!

I realized as I looked through these that I didn't have any pictures of Logan. He was off exploring (read: climbing and falling) on the mounds of snow that has been plowed and piled up by the side of our house.

It was really nice to be outside as a family. To let Wyatt get more practice in the snow, and to let Logan & Jack free of the house!

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On the left is Wyatt at nineteen months, and on the right is me on my first birthday.

Wyatt is my look-alike. 

If I never have a daughter, he is as close to a mini-me as I am ever going to get!

Wyatt loves the boys' stuffed animals and knows what they all are.

His favorite are monkeys, of course, and he goes, "Ooh, ooh! Ahh, ahh!" 

 He is taking one nap now, from noon to two usually, and when he wakes up, he is often still a bit sleepy and a lot cuddly.

 These pictures were taken right after he woke up.

 I love how sweet his sleepy cheeks are.

 And the hint of a smile in his eyes...

I just love him!

And he loves Daddy! He still says when I go in at nap time to get him up, "Daddy work? Daddy gotta work?"  And when Josh gets home from work? Oh my goodness! Fireworks! That boy flies from wherever he is to the front door and demands, "Pick up! Pick up!"

Josh happily obliges and then Wyatt generally asks for Josh's hat.

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I found out yesterday that we will be missing Daddy next week when he goes on a traditional moose hunt with a group from the school.  He will be going on a snow machine with a handful of grown ups and a collection of students on an overnight moose hunt. Yes. In this weather. (Can you tell I am a little bit freaked out?!?)

Logan assured me today, "Well, mom. He will be safe because he is brave with the animals." Obviously.  Okay, Logan. If you say so!

 Speaking of Josh, these little chefs making pizza remind me of Josh when he worked at Papa Murphey's in high school.

 They took their job very seriously.  And were quite proud of their creations.

random note:

 Jack always talks to me with his hands in his pockets. 

It cracks me up because he looks like such a little grown up.

 My mom mentioned that Jack has my hands, 

my little girl hands, not my grown up ones,

and I completely agree.

Does anyone else out there have a lefty?  Is cutting/handwriting more difficult for them?  I can't tell what is just Logan in comparison to Jack and what is a lefty compared to a righty.  Jack has amazing handwriting and can cut really well. Logan struggles with the letters more and cutting is very challenging for him.  

(Just to note, while Logan struggles more with fine motor, he was the first to memorize the entire alphabet. My point being? They each have their strengths.)

I was also wondering if anyone has a good homemade crouton recipe they really love?  When Josh gets the lettuce he occasionally does, I always wish I had croutons to throw on my salads.  I make my own bread, so I think that homemade croutons with that bread would be amazing, but don't have a recipe!

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Well, the kids are down, the house is quiet 

and book three (Mockingjay) of the Hunger Games is calling my name.  

Goodnight, my friends!