anxiety & a little bit of love

The last few days I have been feeling kind of blah. I'm not sure what to attribute this to entirely, but I have some ideas. For starters, we didn't have much of a weekend because Josh spent all day Saturday and Sunday working on submitting his work for the Alaska classes he had to take to renew his teaching license in Alaska.  While we are both relieved to have that crossed off his to-do list, it meant we started Monday still feeling like we needed a weekend!

Also, as I mentioned in the previous post, Logan hasn't been feeling well. This is the nastiest cold I've seen in a while. He is so congested and just plain miserable. It's so sad!

While the twins have been feeling cooped up (we haven't been outside in days) and Josh has been working his tail off working on his classes, Wyatt has been testing the depths of my patience.  He was finally (after ten days) going to sleep without his binky, then the last three nights, he's screaming again.  

And during the day, if I say "No" or "Not right now", particularly about reading to him, he screams at the top of his lungs. Actually screaming seems to be his preferred activity. He screams all the time. About anything.  So Josh and I had a powwow and decided that he needed consistent consequences for his incessant screaming.  We have begun Timer Timeouts. He gets one minute timeouts, then he has to apologize.

He will come to me when the timer beeps and say, "Sorry, mommy."  When I ask why he was in timeout, he will answer, "Picause."  So I remind him he's in trouble for screaming and that screaming is all done.  It is especially frustrating to me because he has such an extensive vocabulary, I know that he has the ability to verbalize what he wants or needs.

We have also been dealing with lots of tantrums because of Baby Einstein.  That's all he wants to do, is watch Baby Einstein. He asks for it probably fifty times a day. He used to get to watch one a day, sometimes two a day.  Now I have decided to eliminate it all together because he would rather do that than play.  

The Baby Einstein detox has been ugly.  He screams and cries, tantrums and melts down at every turn.  And the twins aren't helping.  Any time he cries they ask if he wants to watch it. I have had to remind them (over and over) not to say those words because all it does is make him upset.

I am hopeful that after a week of no Baby Einstein, he will stop asking for it, and that will stop the subsequent tantrums when I say no.  It's like all of a sudden my baby turned into a big kid, and disciplining him (plus the other two) is exhausting.

In addition to no weekend and issues with the kids (sickness, discipline, cabin fever), I have been struggling with anxiety.  I can't fall asleep at night, and just now, as I typed that last sentence, my heart started pounding in my throat, and I feel like I can't take a deep breath.

I am worried about so many things, it's starting to weigh on me.  I am worried about our debt, the cost of plane tickets, finding a place to stay in Vancouver, getting our house here in Alaska ready for our departure, who will replace the staff we are losing this year next year, and even when or if we should have another baby.  It's like once "worry" is set free in my brain, every single tiny thing I have been thinking about comes to the forefront to join the anxiety party.

Another thing on my mind is my weight.

It has crept up, up, up on the scale. 

To more than I weighed before I got here last January.

180 pounds to be exact. And it's killing me that just last summer I was down to 153.  The real issue is that I eat my emotions.  That, and food is one of the few things I look forward to here.

Last night I confided in both my mom and Josh's sister Julie about how I was feeling, and their kind words have buoyed me up from the depths of my despair.  

My mom said, "Honey, don't worry about your weight. You are so strong and healthy and beautiful. Love your body."

And Julie said, "You have children, a husband, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews, a sister in law and friends that love you and think you're a gorgeous, amazing, funny, sweet person at 155 or 180, but I know how hard it is to see that truth when society is constantly telling us we're worthless unless we're a six or less."

She is so right.

Then last night I read an article in Self magazine about a girl who lived her life avoiding situations because of her weight. And I don't want to be that girl. But to be honest about it, I often spend a great deal of time in social situations wondering how I look and if people are taking me seriously even though I am fat.

Last night as we fell asleep, Josh had his arm wrapped tight around me. He loves me. I am so lucky that he loves me. And this morning when I came downstairs after my shower, Wyatt curled up in my lap to hear a story. He loves me. My role as wife and mother has nothing to do with my size, and everything to do with my heart.

My job is to get to a healthy place where instead of eating my emotions, I am feeling them.  So that is my goal. No crazy diet, no insane workout plan, just a decision to pay attention to my core and see why I am wanting to eat when I am not, in fact, hungry.

And so today I feel better. I feel loved. I feel less alone. I feel able to battle this demon of mine (food) and I feel able to separate how I look (fat) from who I am (a good person.)

It's a start.

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 And yesterday, just when we needed it most, two surprise care packages came.  One from what I assume is a blog follower, Karen, and the other from the boys' Nanny.  It had a stuffed "Cubby" character for Wyatt, and a set of Jake & The Neverland Pirates for each of the twins.  Wyatt loves his Cubby, and the twins are loving playing with Tick Tock croc this morning.

 From Karen there was a bag FULL of cuties, which the twins promptly ripped open and began eating, much to my delight, as well as stamp sets and books, butter (!) and a rainbow set of pens for a certain mommy!  

We are so lucky to have such faithful followers who ship us "pick-me-ups" that never fail to arrive when we need them most.

Thank you, Karen!

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We ended Monday night with moose stir fry (much like beef stir fry, but more Alaskan) and lots of stories at bedtime.  I gave Logan a bath all by his lonesome to help him breathe better for bed, and then spent some one on one time with him, while Josh had the other two upstairs.

It was really nice to end such an emotional day on a positive note, 

focused on the family instead of existing only inside my crazy mind.

Hoping the rest of the week gets better from here.